Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors.

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2010-03-06T12:32:00.001-05:00

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2009-08-10T20:43:00.003-04:00

Like the Stories, But Find All Those "Words" and "Paragraphs" Daunting?

Lucky you. You can now get ARN&R in 140 characters (or fewer!) at our Twitter feed.

2009-07-28T11:58:00.003-04:00

Leading Prick Website Calls For Boycott of Leading Hair Loss Website for Calling for Boycott of Theme Park

Miami, FL July 28, 2009 -- PrickCentralBook.com, the leading social network website dedicated to making strong and lasting connections among utter pricks, is calling for officials at HairLoss.com, to cease advocating a boycott of Freestyle Park or face a boycott from its tens of thousands of prick participants.

A few days ago, HairLoss.com announced its intention to call for a boycott of the Myrtle Beach theme park after one of its ads depicted a rider losing his toupee on the Time Machine roller coaster. "The officials at Freestyle Music Park should be ashamed and embarrassed for not only promoting this cheap, low-level and insulting ad, but then by defending it as 'fun'," said Michael Garcia, spokesman for HairLoss.com in its press release.

In response, PrickCentralBook.com's spokeswoman Janet Fleming-Reynolds, herself a total prick, said that HairLoss.com "should be ashamed and embarrassed for promoting a view of pricks that is even worse than we deserve." Fleming-Reynolds continued: "Upwards of 40% of our male prick members are bald or balding, and, being total pricks, most of them use a toupee -- oh, sorry, a 'hair system.' But not even they are sufficiently prickish to think that this ad is offensive. Yes, we know lots of people lose their hair due to cancer treatment and the like, and of course, no, we're not enough of pricks to make fun of them. But that's not what the park was doing."

Other similar sites, including MyAsshatBook.com and DickWeedSpace.com, are considering similar actions, according to reports.

--GP

2009-03-05T11:04:00.000-05:00

Writing Our Acceptance Speech Already...

Looking forward to winning this award. Thanks in advance to our tens and tens of fans for nominating us repeatedly.

--GP

2009-02-25T18:47:00.003-05:00

Our Question Is...

When will Flying Turns open?

We demand precision!

2009-01-22T22:49:00.005-05:00

Are You Ready?

Countdown To

That's how long until the next Theme Park Review Friday update at RRC if it appears as the same time as last week.

Update: OHMIGODOHMIGOD THEY POSTED EARLY!!!@!!!@! CHECK IT OUT PEEEPS!!!!!!!!1 And...go!

Get yer typing fingers ready! Get yer insane asshattery prepared!

--GP

2009-01-21T10:08:00.002-05:00

NYC: "Yes, We Would Like Coney Island to Look Just Like Your Mall."

In a surprising announcement, the New York City government acknowledged today that it does, in fact, want Coney Island ultimately to look like your regional mall. "In particular, we are seeking to emulate that classic and intensely missed mall, the Northland Shopping Center of Jennings, Missouri. But with new and similarly generic stores."

The press release continued: "Why have local and eclectic amusements, and historical buildings? Why have the original Nathan's? The answer is: No reason, when you can have a Gap, FYE, Abercrombie & Fitch, and, most critically, a One Potato Two and a Mrs. Fields Cookies."

Construction on the expected thirteen Starbucks will start immediately. Additionally, the press release notes that all current Coney Island residents will be replaced by white people from South Dakota.

--GP

2009-01-21T09:32:00.001-05:00

Royalty Comes Out in Full Force for Inauguration

What's that? All those drama queens are actually just responding to a TPR thread?

Huh.

--GP

2008-12-24T09:34:00.002-05:00

Fight! Fight! Fight!

It's a fight!

An incredibly lame, petty, pointless fight, one in which you just hope everyone beats the crap out of everyone else, but a fight!

Whoo!

--GP

P.S. to people who bring kids into a fight: you're idiots.

2008-12-22T12:28:00.003-05:00

Six Flags Again Does Our Job For Us

Really, Six Flags? You have so much extra money around that you think it makes sense to start a...wait a minute, we can't be reading this right. It's gotta be a typo. Just a second, let us go check on this.

[Sounds of rummaging through papers...]

Really? That's what it is?

A hair cutting store chain? Themed after a floundering amusement park chain?

WTF?

--GP

2008-10-24T09:30:00.002-04:00

Least Surprising News Ever

NoGodForYouNorWillThereBeUniversalThemeParksForYou.

--GP

2008-08-29T16:56:00.002-04:00

We apologize for the delay

This certainly does call for mockery, but we can't quite bring ourselves to do it. Too damn cute.

Clearly, we are losing it.

--GP

2008-08-27T09:09:00.002-04:00

Holiday World Announces Very Very Large Water Feature

In a highly-anticipated move, Holiday World recently announced a very very large water feature, easily eclipsing its Applause Hands fountain as the biggest non-passenger-carrying water feature in the park.

"We knew we needed a big attraction, but we didn't really want something that would carry passengers or, you know, function," said park president Will Koch. "For tall and non-functional engineering and construction, we knew there was only one company to turn to: Intamin. They've got a long and proud tradition of building enormous sculptures that don't actually run in the way you expect rides to operate, you know, with patrons or anything like that. So Pilgrims Plunge will join a long series of zero passengers-per-hour Intamin rides."

Holiday World issued a statement declaring that its decision was inspired by Six Flags's addition of the world's largest lawn ornament, Kingda Ka, at its New Jersey park. "That installation was so successful they were able to remove their other decoration, Batman & Robin: The Chiller. We're hoping that Pilgrims Plunge will sit, untouched by patrons actually riding, for many years, providing a great photo background."

--GP

2008-08-14T11:18:00.002-04:00

McCain "Very Impressed" by New "Up-Stop Wheel Technology"

U.S. Senator John McCain, republican nominee for president, sought today to demonstrate his interest in cutting-edge technology by visiting the Coney Island Cyclone in Brooklyn, New York, declaring himself "astonished" at the "space age engineering" involved.

"The brilliant engineers who saw the need for wheels on not just the top, but also the bottom, of the wheels, are to be commended!" declared McCain in an exclusive ARN&R interview that took place next to the waterboarding installation. "I love the Mauch Chunk Railway, don't get me wrong, but this here, with the up-stop wheels and the hills, this is the future! In a John McCain administration, the American people can rest assured that we will take a cue from the wondrous innovations and break all barriers!"

--GP

2008-07-22T11:35:00.002-04:00

Least Capable E-Mail User Ever Found

Here.

--GP

2008-07-17T16:50:00.003-04:00

For-Profit Company Amazes Investors By Making Profit

Six Flags Inc., a for-profit company, today enthralled, excited and, frankly disturbingly, aroused observers by forecasting that it would make a profit for the first time in its history -- a history during which it has always been formally denominated a for-profit corporation..

"We think we've got this thing figured out now," said CEO Mark Shapiro in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "When we spend less than we bring in, we make this previously mythical thing called a profit. We'd tried a bunch of other stuff, like spending more than we made and offering things that our customers didn't actually want. And the guys before us had what we thought was a great idea too, borrowing billions of dollars more than they could ever make back -- frankly, I'm still surprised that didn't work. But we've got it now! Just call us the pioneers of the amusement industry!"

--GP

2008-04-08T09:25:00.002-04:00

Kentucky to Mandate Minimum Teeth Count for Ride Operators

A little-noted provision in Kentucky's recent legislation to set a minimum age for ride operators is expected to wreak havoc on amusement facilities in the state: henceforth, every ride operator will be required to possess no fewer than ten of his or her original teeth.

"This is devastating," said Hank Cash, spokesman for Kentucky's amusement industry group and proud owner of nine original teeth. "It takes a lot of people to staff an amusement park, and fully three-fourths of our residents have fewer than ten teeth. I mean, it could be worse -- they could require basic literacy, which would just destroy us overnight -- but it's pretty awful."

State senator Joe Muller, also known as "Toothy McTeeth" to his friends, disagreed. "This is long overdue. We need ride operators with teeth."

--GP

2008-02-23T16:48:00.000-05:00

Tidbits From All Over

Late February means that it�s still the off-season for most parks. But until the usual tales of ridiculous enthusiast public behavior and Six Flags jacking up parking fees three times in one day begin to rear their ugly heads, we here at ARN&R still have some exciting news to report.

-Work still continues at Universal Studios Orlando on the Simpsons Ride, which will replace the park�s beloved Back To The Future Ride. A source which declined to be named tells ARN&R that the ride is still on target for a Spring opening, and will mirror the popular Fox animated show closely. He went on to say that the ride will be underwhelming the first three times guests ride it, will become wildly entertaining for rides 4 through 10, and then begin a slow but steady decline in amusement during subsequent experiences.

-Idaho�s Silverwood Theme Park continues to gear up for what park owner Gary Norton calls �the most exciting season in our history�. In addition to the well-publicized news that Silverwood has purchased Six Flags Great America�s Vekoma lawn ornament Deja Vu, the park plans to open a new food court in its Boulder Beach waterpark, and move forward with a botanical beautification project. Sliverwood has also been aggressively recruiting new employees through newspaper ads, internet postings, and job fairs, and has added nearly five hundred new hires. Norton denies the rumor that most of these new employees will be used to manually lift Deja Vu trains �tug of war� style up the lift towers during the coaster�s many mechanical failures.

--CMV

2008-01-17T17:49:00.000-05:00

Least Surprising Statement Ever

"I am a member of the American Roller [sic] Coaster Enthusiasts."

(And thousands of enthusiasts' acquaintances said, simultaneously, "Of course he is.")

--GP

2007-12-31T10:47:00.000-05:00

BREAKING: Bad Thing Might Eventually Happen! Sign a Petition to Have No Chance Whatsoever of Stopping It!

ARN&R has learned (must credit! exclusive!) that Cedar Point might eventually remove a coaster, maybe in 2010, and it might be steel! And we therefore ask -- nay, we implore you! -- to sign this petition to save it!

--GP

2007-12-21T10:49:00.000-05:00

In a Battle of Idiots, We All Win

Yes, we're a little obsessed with JL57 and the Show Statecase Funpark Royal Republic of Kazakhstan. When Jack is away, we're sad; when he quotes us as a source, we love it. And we are amazed at how persistently he engages all comers, continually responding to everyone.

Until now.

Yes, indeed, Jack has apparently met his match in a borderline illiterate drugstore employee from Minnesota, one Colleen.

Go and enjoy this thread, in which Jack claims, just a tad implausibly, that Dayton, Ohio, has 17,000 hotels. The barely coherent Colleen points out the obvious -- that all he's doing is citing to Google's search results, but even that the search results in fact only have 40 or so results.

Jack then flips out, starting to delete all of her messages, ranting about complaining to Google. We didn't see all of her messages that got deleted, but they included links to some government page that showed that there are only about 60,000 hotels in the entire country (odds that over a quarter of them are in Dayton, Ohio? Anyone?). She keeps writing 'em, he keeps deleting 'em. Good times.

It's not every day you get to see someone this delusional flip out. Enjoy! It's our Christmas present to you.

--GP

2007-12-03T16:23:00.000-05:00

Digital Camcorder Makes ARN&R Look Subdued, Mature

Behold: Here. You may want to turn down your sound. And perhaps turn off your monitor. Heck, consider just going for a walk while it plays.

That is all.

--GP

2007-11-21T13:35:00.000-05:00

Life Again Has Meaning

Because Jack's back, baby, and State Showcase Fun Ron Paul Peckerwood Super Park or whatever is coming in a mere, oh, well, okay, it's never opening but holy crap it's good to have you back in full-on insane rambling mode, Jack! Tell us about Firehawk and Phoenix, Jack!

Tale of two coasters which were disassembled and reassembled.

Rocket/Phoenix coaster traveled over 1,700 miles to its destination which cost in total of $1,500,000.

Firehawk coaster traveled just 225 miles to its destination which should not cost any more than the same $1,500,000.

Kaivac1 that means that the cost of the Dora and Boots costumes must be $8,500,000.

I cannot make it any simpler!

No, indeed, you can't.

--GP

2007-10-18T14:06:00.001-04:00

Medical Community Battles Sudden Endemic Amongst Enthusiasts

Emergency rooms, doctor�s offices, and free clinics around the world are dealing with a massive outbreak of priapism this week, almost exclusively afflicting roller coaster enthusiasts. Priapism is a dangerous medical condition where the erect penis will not return to a flaccid state, which can result in permanent damage to the organ�s blood vessels, and in rare cases, gangrene.

�I�ve never seen anything like this in my entire career.� said Dr. Don Petersen, practicing physician at the Aldrovani Institute For Erectile Dysfunction. �On average, we may see two cases of priapism a year, but I�ve treated sixty-one in the past week alone. Needless to say, we were quite concerned.�

As the number of afflicted nationwide soared to over five thousand, researchers began investigating the cause of this disorder. �The proliferation of patch-covered denim jackets, along with a general dearth of basic bodily hygiene, made it apparent that the ailment was localized within the coaster enthusiast community.� said Petersen. �Unfortunately, none of the victims were able to verbalize what triggered the malady. To a man, their vocabulary had been reduced to a series of near-feral grunts and groans. Naturally, we turned to Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors for assistance.�

Working in conjunction with Petersen, ARN&R identified several potential causes, including the recent releases of Halo 3 and the Transformers DVD, or the news that Britney Spears is flashing her cooter in public again. But in the end, it was the bank of supercomputers located in the sublevels of Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Towers that finally identified the common denominator.

�ARN&R�s computer system determined that all of the infirm had used their computers to access this press release from the Amusement Safety Organization.� Petersen said. �The offer contained in the release was apparently so enticing to most enthusiasts, they�ahem��got wood� that simply would not subside.

�How anyone of even the slightest mental capacity could take that seriously I�ll never understand. It�s like the old saying goes, there is one born every minute.�

Leaving the Aldrovani Institute after several hours of painful arm, throat, and penile injections, one enthusiast who declined to be named (Rick Bognar of 1993 Walnut Road, Terre Haute, Indiana, Thrillnetwork display name: Bognar316) stated �Ge ougha ma wai! I goga sahn up fo da fee tip u Kang Duminun ang Dorne Pahk!�

--CMV

2007-09-13T12:57:00.000-04:00

Six Flags Finally Gets Priorities Straight

We�ve been assailed for months now about how Mark Shapiro and company are going to turn the Six Flags company around, and make it a safe and pleasant entertainment destination for families, children, and people of all ages. And nothing illustrated that more than an incident this week, where Great America employees ignored scores of line jumpers and bands of foul-mouthed teenagers to forcibly eject a patron who was smoking outside of a designated area.

�This is a great day, not only for Great America, but for the Six Flags chain as a whole.� said Brooke Gabbert, a public relations spokeswoman for the park. �This will send a strong message to anyone who mistakenly lights up in a non-designated area. We hate you with the fire of a thousand suns, and we will eject you from the park with no questions asked.�

Teri Melendez, the ejected patron in question, claims that she was never given the option to extinguish the cigarette or move to a designated smoking area. But according to Gabbert, it wouldn�t have mattered anyway.

�We have zero tolerance for these kinds of �mistakes�.� Gabbert said. �She�s lucky that that our crack team of employees didn�t break her legs or rough her up a bit on the way to the parking lot. I�d say she got off easy.�

Gabbert, along with the entire workforce of the Gurnee, Illinois park, was present at a medal ceremony for the two employees in question, identified only as �Jerry� and �Tim�. When ARN&R asked who was actually manning the park at this time, Gabbert told our reporter to �mind his business� and insinuated that a crushed Marlboro Light could �conveniently� appear near our feet at any time.

As expected, the forums at the Great America fan site SFGAMWorld came out in full support of the company in this sycophantic thread, where one poster boasts to have �been known to take cigarettes out of people's hands in line for rides and put them out on the ground�, and another states that Melendez �deserve(d) to die� for her hideous transgression.

--CMV