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Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Study: Majority Of SFGAmWorld Forum Posts Written At Second Grade Reading Level Or Below After conducting his latest study of various amusement park fan site forums, noted psychologist Don Petersen announced this week that 79% of the posts in the SFGAmWorld forums are written at or near a second grade level of comprehension. The site eclipses the previous benchmark held by the forums at Theme Park Critic by a full three grade levels. “SFGAmWorld’s forums are a wasteland of poor grammar and atrocious spelling,” said Petersen in a phone interview with ARN&R, “and repeat offenders are commonplace. The boards are populated by enthusiasts who misspell “enthusiast” in their signatures, overly smug moderators with a deity complex, and people who engage in discussion about Tom Cruise-themed attractions.” Normally, Petersen’s conclusions are primarily based on the Flesch Kincaid Readability Test, but in this particular case, special conditions were factored in. “Most park forums are littered with hebetudinous gibberish, and one should almost expect subpar fundaments.” said Petersen. “But in this case, the absurd subjects of most of the forum topics were taken into consideration. Multiple examples of idiocy can be easily found, such as topics discussing Mr. Six merchandise being marked down, fantasy musings about if Marriott still owned the park, and a thread about an insecure poster desperately yearning for attention.” Petersen is currently planning a 2007 Fright Fest trip to the Gurnee, IL park for his University of Iowa psychology doctoral students. “It’ll be a fascinating experience, getting to see some of these forum members in the wild, so to speak.” Petersen said. “I’m sure I’ll be reading many dissertations about how much smarter they are than the general public and their unhealthy obsession with park performers.” --CMV (Hey! Look! Send the hate mail directly to the author!) Posted at 7:30 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Enthusiast Disappointed With Halloween Experience A Georgia coaster enthusiast is considering giving up on Halloween after this year’s costume choice failed to go over like gangbusters. 27-year old Locust Grove native Nick Selack explained his disenchantment in an exclusive interview with ARN&R. “I just got so sick of seeing people dressed up in stupid costumes,” said a despondent Selack. “Every year, there’s like a thousand pirates or ghosts. Nobody’s got any originality. So this year, I decided to try something cool.” After spending countless hours scrutinizing Discovery Channel coaster specials, Selack dressed up as Park World editor Paul Reuben, complete with grey wig, glasses, and a custom-created copy of Reuben’s pseudo-magazine Park World. Selack headed out to a costume contest at a local bar with high hopes for an evening of admiration -- hopes which were dashed quickly. “Nobody understood who I was supposed to be,” said Selack. “Most of the people thought I was dressed up as Dick Cheney, and some thought I was former Illinois governor George Ryan. I kept holding up the magazine, and saying ‘Park World! Park World! Don’t you get it?’ And then they kicked me out for causing a disturbance.” Things didn’t get better for Selack after knocking on a few doors in his neighborhood. “Man, you’d think nobody ever watched a coaster special before! I even tried to drop a few subtle hints, telling people that their front door had the best themeing I’d ever seen, or that walking up their sidewalk was an exhilarating experience like none other in the world. Nothing worked. What a bunch of rubes.” Susan Callahan, who lives four doors down from Selack, chimed in on the confusion. “He seems like an okay guy, but he got the Paul Reuben costume all wrong,” she said. “For one, he wasn’t wearing the grey suit with the red bow tie. And he just glared at me when I asked him what the word of the day was. I was about to ask if he still kept in touch with Laurence Fishburne, or if he’d punched his clown in a movie theatre recently, but he’d already stalked off by that point.” --CMV Posted at 1:43 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Six Flags St. Louis Rethemed to Violent Crime Six Flags (SIX) announced today that it will institute park enhancements for the 2007 season that will make it "much more appealing to local guests." "The family is always the focus of our new marketing initiatives," explained Mark Shapiro, Six Flags President and CEO. "But in a community where even comic-book supervillians would roll up their windows, lock their doors and run red lights in sheer terror, a few adjustments were necessary." Six-Guns Blazin' over St. Louis will be the first park to completely eliminate queue rails from their attractions. "Really, what's the point? If you don't have a Q-Bot, at least 27 of your homies or a lil' somethin' somethin' in your hip pocket, why are you here? Frankly, in this town, HOW did you get here?" While the Vekoma-designed Ninja and Gerstlauer-equipped Boss coasters have always delivered gang initiation-quality beatings, family offerings will be increased as well. "Kids will love lying in the chalk outlines of their favorite DC Cartoon heroes," quipped Shapiro. "And the new 'What's Up BEEEEE-YOTCH?' revue? With Yosemite Sam, Elmer Fudd and other classically packin' Warner Brother characters delivering street justice, drive-by style? We just can't miss." The chains will be hangin' low on the coasters beginning May 2007. Look for 'hop the fence' discount coupons on yo' favorite 40s this Spring. --CO Posted at 11:15 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Monday, October 30, 2006
Enthusiasts Disappointed in Name Change for Sky Princess When a Dutch Wonderland internal memo leaked to Screamscape debating the renaming of its signature wooden roller coaster, the enthusiast community was shocked. “I couldn’t believe it,” said local enthusiast Richard Scheissbaugh. “I mean, I love the Sky Princess. On my days off from working at the buffet down the street, I loved to ride her all day long. There are few things I like more than riding my Princess. I mean, look at her beautiful curves...” Mr. Scheissbaugh then settled into a trance, drooling while making only soft, guttural noises for several minutes. Upon inquiry, Dutch Wonderland declined to comment, but a source that refused to be named stated, “For crying out loud, it’s just a ride. I mean, we really shouldn’t have all these enthusiasts all over the park in the first place. Most of the tourists see them and think that our park has been overrun by pedophiles, since most of the enthusiasts haven’t understood the concept of ‘bathing’, and look that they have neither shaved nor exercised in years. That’s bad for business.” Upon returning to consciousness, Scheissbaugh stated, “It wouldn’t be the same if I told my co-workers that I was leaving work to go ride my Dragon woodie the rest of the evening. That, that’s disturbing." --ETB Posted at 5:46 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Enthusiast Becomes One Millionth Online Poster With “316” After Name Rick Bognar of Terre Haute, Indiana, officially became the one millionth enthusiast whose online screen name contains the numbers “316," a milestone celebrated wildly by Absolutely Reliable News and Rumors. ARN&R supercomputers had been scanning the web ceaselessly for the occurrence, which finally occurred on October 27, when Bognar adopted the moniker “Bognar316” on the Thrillnetwork forums. The “316” phenomenon began in 1996, when WWF pro wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin adopted the catchphrase “Austin 3:16”. Each enthusiast inserting the number into their screen name undoubtedly believed themselves to be cool and unique, leading to almost every coaster forum in existence to be populated by scores of such au courant and hip individuals. When the bank of Cray supercomputers in the sublevels of AbsolutelyReliable Towers alerted to this event, ARN&R staff sprung into action. Correspondents from all corners of the globe immediately converged on Indianapolis, and traveled in a 14 vehicle caravan to Bognar’s home in Terre Haute. “What the hell is all this?” asked a disheveled Bognar upon finding over 250 ARN&R staff members and media representatives on his front lawn. After being informed of his place in enthusiast history, Bognar demanded to know how the hell ARN&R managed to find out his real name and location mere hours after his signup. “This is a proud day, not only for the enthusiast community, but the entire world,” said the ARN&R Supreme Dictator For All Eternity/Grand Poobah, as numerous cameras rolled. “The fact that the '316' craze has been unfashionable for nearly six years should in no way tarnish Mr. Bognar’s moment in the sun.” The Grand Poobah then presented the sputtering Bognar with an ARN&R Penultimate Gift Pack, which included a fifty dollar gift certificate to Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe, a fourth-generation photocopy of a 1979 Astroworld park map, an incomplete collection of Drachen Fire postcards, and a lifetime membership in the AbsolutelyReliableClub. Bognar appeared extremely nervous, asking anyone in earshot if all of his online activities were so easily traceable. The party then began in earnest, despite Bognar’s threats to call the police if everyone didn’t get off his property. “This is the first time I ever recall being happy to be in Indiana,” said ARN&R ink-slinger CMV, taking a long pull off a tumbler that may or may not have contained moonshine. “We should get loaded, head over to Holiday World, and see if Will Koch will let us run the Scarecrow Scrambler.” FMB, meanwhile, was last seen vomiting out the window of a rented Camaro, just outside the Santa Claus post office. "Postmark this!" he yelled, peeling out of the parking lot. --CMV Posted at 8:09 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
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