Inanimate Object Creates MySpace Account, Enthusiasts Crap Pants

Maverick, the Intamin coaster currently under construction at Cedar Point and expected to operate for upwards of fifteen minutes at a time without problems, has created its own MySpace profile, and coaster enthusiasts couldn’t be happier. For many, this may be their only opportunity to make a “friend” on the popular social networking website.

"I am sooo geeked about this!” said MySpace member KitFisto94. “Maverick accepted me right away, unlike most of the stuck-up webcam chicks I’ve contacted. I’m looking forward to a long and prosperous relationship with Maverick.”

IdoraDave agrees. “I’m checking in with Maverick every day. There’s nothing better than logging on to the internet to watch an erection getting bigger.” he said, oblivious to the fleeting look of disgust that passed across this reporter’s face.

Comments on Maverick’s profile have ranged from complimentary (Tyler is 1/4 BLACK: “Sick layout, Maverick”), to perplexing (Marissa: “I am wonder what going like a new roller coaster next year!!!!”), to the downright salacious (Koaster Kris: “Im hoping to make it back out to Ohio again especially next year to ride you! W00t!” and Jordan: “i've decided i will propose to you in the morning”). [Ed. note: We're not even going to try to use all of the [sic]s that would be necessary for this story.]

“This is not uncommon behavior, especially for such a traditionally unsociable group as coaster enthusiasts.” said noted psychologist Don Petersen. “It’s known as ‘personification’. Many of these people lead sad and sheltered lives, with very few real and enriching relationships. They begin to see this partially completed structure as a surrogate friend of sorts, and begin addressing it as if it were a corporeal being.

“Most of them probably don’t even realize that their comments to an inert hunk of metal make them sound like sexual deviants when taken out of context. Take James Crochford, for example, and his statement ‘Oh boy Maverick! Despite only being 105 feet tall I'm still excited to ride you.’. Most people reading this statement with no background information would assume that Mr. Crochford has some form of giantess fetish that isn’t being satisfied. Sadly, the truth that he’s actually speaking to a spiritless load of metal is far more shameful.

“People talking to roller coasters. This has got to be one of the most whacked-out things I’ve ever heard.” Petersen later muttered, in what he assumed was an off-the-record statement.

And as Maverick’s profile continues to fill with incomprehensible gibberish ((andrei geos to the mayer)**%: “i thought it was goin over the water then what explain all the cemet barges out ther to hold rollar coaster track out huh!!!!”), the world wonders; what’s next? We here at ARN&R predict that this signals the beginning of a new onslaught, as everything from Dippin' Dots stands ("MySpace Site of the Future," no doubt) to pieces of Six Flags Great America's Shockwave will carve out their niche on the MySpace site, finally allowing enthusiasts to brag that they have “hundreds” of friends.

--CMV

Posted at 4:23 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Tuesday, September 05, 2006

 

Powered Coasters Feel ACE Executive's Wrath

Henry Booker, an Executive Committee member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, as well as winner of this year's prestigious ACE Lifetime Tool Award, has finally, after years of debate among coaster enthusiasts, laid down the law on counting powered coasters in one's track record.

"The ACE Executive Committee has determined that no member shall be allowed to list these rides in his or her coaster count," said Booker in a recent exclusive interview with ARN&R. "You see, powered coasters can't be considered coasters because at no time, not even when going down a hill, is gravity ever used."

"And as much as I claim to like RCDB, I'm sorry to announce that from this point on, it is considered contraband to all ACE members," he noted. "Anyone who uses RCDB.com to determine what are coasters and can be counted in their track record will be executed. If you have ever used RCDB.com to determine your track record, or if you currently or have ever counted powered coasters in your track record, then you will meet your destiny."

"You will never convince me that a powered Dragon Wagon is a coaster," said Booker. "I've been on 534 coasters! I know what is and what isn't a coaster! And not only that, but the Kangaroo at Kennywood will no longer be referred to as a 'Flying Coaster.' It neither flies, nor coasts. We are hereby boycotting Kennywood as well, and any ACE member caught riding the Kangaroo will be summarily disemboweled."

Booker then cut the interview short, indicating that he needed to drive up to Dorney Park and make his 347th attempt to harass the ride operators into letting him ride the Little Laser.

--CB

Posted at 1:10 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Sunday, September 03, 2006

 

Don't Sign Us Up

It's been a while, but the Site O' the Weak is back with us in full force today, as we alert our faithful readers to their right to sign up here for a PKI Central-guided trip to various Ohio amusement parks. Whether anyone will exercise that God-given right, is, of course, a matter for some conjecture, seeing as the tour is apparently being conducted by young children.

Judging from the colorful and patriotic design of the tour sales website (because not giving PKI Central money is a slap in the face of all Americans and what this proud nation stands for), its informative nature, its abundance of exclamation points, and its creative spelling, we'll, of course, be happy to plunk down the vague 200 to 250 dollars to do...well, we aren't exactly sure what yet. Presumably it will involve a BIG SURPRISE. Or perhaps the BIG SURPRISE will be that we send two hundred bucks to people and never see it again? We'll know soon, of course, since the BIG SURPRISE is "comming soon." But not yet.

We're very certain we'll see you all there.

--JCK

Posted at 6:39 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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