Still here. But mostly in 140 characters.
- - -

Wednesday, January 11, 2006
 
Mall of America to Theme Indoor Park to Prince

In a stunning move widely seen as a bellweather for the theme park industry, Bloomington, Minnesota’s Camp Snoopy park has announced they will rename their seven-acre complex Paisley Park and theme it to the life and times of eclectic local has-been Prince.

"He was thrilled to lend his name to a park where he’s tall enough to ride everything," gasped Nader Ghermezian, representing Mall management. "And not only do we save licensing fees, but the costs of re-theming, too. We’ll just grab a crayon, scrawl ‘Slave’ on Snoopy’s right cheek and voila! We’re done!"

"People already yelp my signature high-pitched bitch-squeal on these rides every day," quipped His Purpleness, licking his fingers and touching himself in ways we won’t mention. "Now they can feel even more nauseous listening to my greatest hits in line or combing racks of oddly asexual size 3 clothes in the gift shop. Ahhhh-ooo-OOOOH!"

"Mommy, Mommy! Darling Nikki did WHAT with a magazine?" asked bewildered 7 year-old Josh Jorgensen, waiting for the Billy Jack Bitchsaw roller coaster (formerly known as the Pepsi Ripsaw). "I couldn’t hear the words through your fingers!"

The Park formerly known as Something Else before Being Named after the Artist formerly known as Prince But Now Kinda known as Prince Any Damn Way will start selling Purple tickets 4 U January 19th.

--CO

Posted at 12:12 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

- - -


Tuesday, January 10, 2006
 
Cedar Point to Debut Upscale Quick Service Food Stand

Cedar Point, an amusement park located near Sandusky, Ohio, has announced a partnership with renowned chef Jacques Saindoux to create an upscale fast food counter within the park. Saindoux received two Michelin stars for his former Paris bistro Accaparer des Cerveaux, and later achieved widespread critical acclaim and a rare Mobil Five-Star rating for his New York-based fusion restaurant Beurre d'Homme, and his hiring by Cedar Point is a seen by the park as "an absolute coup," according to Vice President of Food Service Development Lance Skula.

"At Cedar Point," said Skula, "we are always looking to improve the dining experience. We have full-service restaurants like Macaroni's and the Red Garter saloon, and of course we offer a massive selection of quick service establishments around every corner. But this year, we felt it might be time to cater to our upscale clientele. After all, if a pizza lover can get a great slice at the Hofbrau, shouldn't a caviar lover be able to get caviar, and get it fast?"

Saindoux and his staff will take over the former White Water Refreshments in Frontiertown, converting the food stand into the completely redesigned Jus de Bout in time for the start of the 2006 operating season. Among the delectable menu items, all prepared for busy customers within one minute of the order being placed, are the following:

-Five-spice sea scallops and seared foie gras, with port wine fig reduction over parsnip puree, on a stick.

-The finest raw Kobe beef carpaccio, pounded thin and served with arugula, parmigiano-reggiano shavings, and a drizzle of truffle oil, on a stick.

-Free-range, hand-slaughtered, Moroccan-spiced loin of lamb, served with creamy rosemary polenta and haricot vert, on a stick.

-Certified organic filet of beef, with caramelized shallots and roasted garlic smashed potatoes, topped with sauce of local Pinot Noir and gorgonzola, on a stick.

-Wild line-caught tuna steak, crusted in four types of peppercorns and Chinese black tea leaves, seared rare and served over saffron-lobster risotto, on a stick.

Saindoux himself will be serving Cedar Point visitors on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. On other days, he will be in New York supervising the staff at Beurre d'Homme, while his accomplished sous-chef Eric Podrido will head the Cedar Point stand.

--JCK

Posted at 4:25 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

- - -


Sunday, January 08, 2006
 
Six Flags Announces Further New Plans

In a press conference yesterday, Daniel Snyder announced future plans for Six Flags.

The plans included previously made statements, such as upping prices for tickets, focusing more on park atmosphere and cleanliness, and the removal of Mr. Six from all advertising campaigns.

However, Snyder announced a few more changes -- namely, the removal of all rides from Six Flags parks, the selling of all park land, and the addition of a new mascot, Mr. Safe:


Six Flags's New Mascot, Mr. Safe

When questioned about the changes, Snyder replied with the following:

"My original plan was to simply reduce ride construction, sell off all excess land so that we wouldn?t be tempted to spend money on expanding our parks, and remove the extremely offensive and unclean Mr. Six from marketing by replacing him with a new slogan -- 'Clean, safe, fun!' However, as my colleagues and I got to thinking, we realized that we could save even more money by cutting costs on our currently existing rides and facilities. We decided the best way to do this was to simply get rid of everything, sell all park land, and keep the parking lots so that we still make a profit! It was a win-win situation! Mr. Safe was also an excellent addition to our marketing team. We believe his style and look represent the new type of sterile fun we want our guests to have."

When asked about the fate of the currently existing rides, Snyder replied: "We will sell everything except the roller coasters, which will be melted down to make parking meters. Our lots aren't free, you know."

The reaction from the industry has been uproar. A reporter attempted to reach Robert Iger, CEO of Disney, for comment, but only managed to catch a glimpse of Iger, who was laughing maniacally and crossing ?Six Flags? off of a list entitled "To Kill."

A member of ACE attended the press conference and attempted to rush Snyder's podium upon hearing the new changes. He was quickly stopped by Snyder's bouncer, however, who distracted him with a donut.

--SPS

[Ed. Note: Our podcast's second episode features additional Six Flags plans.]

Posted at 4:29 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

- - -



Google
Web absolutelyreliable.com   

[Powered by Blogger]


Copyright 2002-2009 Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors.

By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.

Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."

Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.

Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.

We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.