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Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Corporations Imitate Naming Strategy of Wholesale Shopping Club
The wholesale shopping club BJ's, with numerous stores located in sixteen states, has experienced substantial economic growth over the past several years. Multiple factors play into the success of BJ's: continual but cautious expansion keeps the company financially sound, while profits are sucked in from swarms of customers due to the wide variety of departments, the discount pieces, and the easy availability of freezer-burned, industrial-grade meat in bulk. However, the most important factor in the widespread success of BJ's has nothing to do with its finances or its filling a desperate consumer need for 400-gallon tubs of mayonnaise and Vaseline, but with its actual name.
"Market research showed that customers positively flock to a brand name that is sexually suggestive," says Tex Strong, BJ's Vice President of Consumer Relations. "Particularly when it's a blatant euphemism for oral sex. Everyone loves BJ's, right?"
BJ's has enjoyed years of acclaim due to its explicit name, but its uniqueness in the business world is coming to an end, as other companies seek to capitalize on the ability to sell their product through the use of implied head-giving. One famous example is the vehicle company formerly known as Environmentally Unsound Asshole-Mobiles Targeted Solely to Obnoxious Jerks With Tiny Limp Penises, which has seen a massive upswing in profits since its recent decision to rename itself "Hummer."
Among the other corporations that have announced new blowjob-friendly monikers over the past week have been The Knob Polishers (formerly Merry Maids), McMuff Dive (formerly McDonald's), and Skin Flutes & Rusty Trombones (formerly Sam Ash). But the most surprising oral-themed name change is the one undergone by what was known until today as Disney World.
Despite having a set of theme parks with what many experts describe as one of the most recognizable brand names in the history of the planet, Disney executives announced that the Florida entertainment empire will reopen tomorrow as Bone Yodel Land. The executives stated that the "chance to bring in a whole new crowd of passionate pleasure-seekers" was too good to pass up. Heading off any potential complaints from the Religious Right, the executives added that "nothing could possibly be more family friendly than steaming the carpets or churning some fresh man-butter."
In related news, Hooter's Restaurants and Dick's Sporting Goods issued a joint statement today indicating that both companies will also be considering name updates in the very near future, since neither currently has an appellation nearly suggestive enough to compete in the current economic climate. "Naming our businesses after dirty slang words for body parts was cutting edge in the 90's," the statement read in part, "but fellatio is clearly the wave of the future that we must embrace."
Monday, December 12, 2005
What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate
We recently received the following email, which we swear is reprinted precisely as we got it:
Subject: SECRET FILE
I AM YOUR SERVER...............................................PLEASE UPDATE APPROPRIATELY
SERVER IS HERE!
"Currently eating chicken from Knott's Not Nice Windjammer Factory poweredby Togo(the company,not the crappy country). Either way,they are both crappy.
Politically incorrect things over......................................
Tom Wielfenstein, Okaki Wenkayahu, Abigail Omerson, Mzai Onzimonga, Jade Killerson, Hendrik Von Wonderboot.
cUrReEnTlY pLaYiNg tHiS wAy
OPENING IN KNOEBELS!
250 Feet, 6 inversions, 6,777 feet,made by the American Coaster Company(grants provided by Carole Sanderson)
Opening in 20093,the meaning of life
SERVER IS DYING,DYING,DYING. ARNR GONE!
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We had no earthly idea how to respond to this email, since we assumed it was written in some sort of foreign language that none of the editorial staff speaks. We therefore forwarded the message to Miguel Fredrickson, our Executive Vice President of Foreign Language Foreign Support Technician Customer Servicing Help Pleasuring Lackey Enabling Services at the majestic AbsolutelyReliable Towers. After some delay, we received the following response:
Dear Sirs and Madams:
Greetings and salutations. The Foreign Language Foreign Support Technician Customer Servicing Help Pleasuring Lackey Enabling Services staff apologizes for the delay. Despite working around the clock for a week,and bringing in assistance from Dieter at the Quick Action Branch of the Semi-Literate Customer Inquiry Center, we still cannot tell in what language it is written. We have narrowed the likely choices down to Norwegian, Dutch, Afrikaans, and Quenya, but have gotten no further. Some of the staff believe it might also be some sort of beat poetry created in Sanskrit by a person who has never studied Sanskrit.
Dieter informs me that he is fairly certain that it's just the delusional rantings of some random cretin, and that it isn't written in any foreign language at all. I discount this theory, because I find it hard to believe any human is stupid enough to create this particular email if we are actually to interpret it as being written English. I feel a far more likely scenario involves the work being a short literary work of some sort in Punjabi or Finnish, and the words just happen to coincidentally line up into a series of simian scratchings and imbecilic nonsense if read, incorrectly, as English.
We shall continue to work our hardest on solving the mystery of this bizarre email.
Your Humble Employee,
Executive Vice President of Action Assistance Enabling Performance Supervisory Customer Pleasuring Happy Fun Directive Team Support Squad Services
A Proud Part of the Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Customer Service &
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.