Still here. But mostly in 140 characters.
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Saturday, November 12, 2005
Trip Report: Dream Vacation With ARN&R

From July 30th through August 1st of this year marked the first-ever Dream Vacation With ARN&R. For three days, members of the ARN&R staff rode roller coasters at the Mall of America, Valleyfair!, and the Wisconsin Dells, and received absolutely no free perks or benefits from the parks whatsoever. The event was a rousing success, as exactly no one joined us who wasn't a close friend and/or affiliated with the site.

Following is a brief trip report about the event. And for those who complain that a trip report about an event is being posted almost three months late, first of all, go back to your massive multiplayer online game where you can pretend not to have tremendous amounts of B.O. and acne, and, second of all, send us a fat check so we don't have to work and can make more frequent updates to the site. Thank you.

Day One: Mall of America

Two coasters were ridden, a crepe was eaten, a massive LEGO sculpture was quasi-admired, and the Grand Poobah and JCK rapidly escaped the dreaded hellhole that is the Mall of America. That's about it.

Day Two: Valleyfair!

While driving to the park, JCK was shocked to discover that Lake Minnetonka was not the product of Prince's fevered imagination, but an actual body of water. Sadly, JCK's driving companions refused to allow him to purify himself in its waters, resulting in much bitterness throughout the remainder of the trip. Upon arriving at the park, some of the party went straight for the Steel Venom; when JCK told them that going backward on coasters made him ill and he'd sit this one out, the Grand Poobah tastefully and kindly referred to him as a "p*ssy." More bitterness ensued. Other coasters were ridden. The members of the group were particularly fortunate in that they only had to wait fifteen minutes to be bashed into a vegetative state by the Corkscrew, an Arrow looper.

Concluding the day, JCK and the Grand Poobah received a Wild Thing ride which did not have the brakes turned off. Since no one at the park had ever mentioned anything to anyone about getting brakeless rides, and since the ARN&R staff members generally avoid harassing park staffs like your typical enthusiass, said staff failed to give the slightest shit about not receiving a stupid brakeless ride on Wild Thing. Unlike certain people.

Day Three: Wisconsin Dells

The group's longest and most jam-packed day was at the Wisconsin Dells, a noted paradise of classical restraint and good taste. Intending to drive straight to Mt. Olympus, the Grand Poobah and JCK were struck dumb (more than usual, anyway) by a massive sign commanding them to FEED & PET THE DEER. As the tone of the sign implied an order more than a suggestion, the duo naturally had to stop.

After FEEDING & PETTING THE DEER, the ARN&R staff eventually made it into Mt. Olympus. There, despite being confronted by a bizarre sign in an ice cream shop requesting that patrons not put their feet on the wall, they engaged in a pleasant day of riding very good roller coasters and gawking at haphazard safety practices.

The ARN&R staff (with ranks swollen to four on this day) enjoyed non-ERT conditions on all the rides, meaning that wait times were minimal. Hades and Cyclops were outstanding, though the go-karts were annoying to JCK, as the staff of the park had blatantly conspired to give him shitty cars and everyone else really awesome ones. Zeus was alleged by some to be have been excellent at one point, though currently passengers are given machetes at the station in the hope that, during their trip, they can clear out some of the massive jungle growth reclaiming the ride.

Heated discussions took place over whether to count Dive to Atlantis as a roller coaster; although no one really thought it technically was one, all counted it on their lists so as to receive at least some small compensation for being bored completely out of their minds and then soaked to the bone. Time was also taken to photograph a deeply disturbing statue of what was clearly a giant penis slathering something gooey on its tip.

Later in the day, a water ski show was driven past and mocked heartily, Avalanche at Timber Falls was ridden, and vast handfuls of Motrin were ingested immediately thereafter. The day concluded with a visit to Riverview Park. JCK was interested in notching a cheap coaster credit on the Galaxi at the little park, largely because he is a pathetic coaster credit slut, but also because it looked for all the world as if a used diaper was hanging over one of the ride's supports.

Tragically, neither the Poobah nor JCK had any "ticets" on them and were too embarrassed to ask what they were; therefore, they were not able to ride the coaster, a disappointing end to an otherwise amusing day.

The flights home sucked balls, incidentally.


Posted at 1:00 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Friday, November 11, 2005
Site O' the Weak: An Obvious Choice

It probably seems unfair to list International Theme Park Services as our Site O' the Weak, seeing as we already revised their website to claim they would be marketing a ridiculous tourist attraction called the Purple People Bridge Cl!mb, and we already pointed it out in a taunting article.

Well, unfortunately, we aren't fair. Congratulations on the award.


Posted at 1:42 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Wednesday, November 09, 2005
ARN&R Takes Over Consultants' Site

In the boldest move yet by Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors, its extensive staff of web developers and hackers staged an enormous "happening" today by completely revising the website of International Theme Park Services. In a move of satirical genius, ARN&R made it appear that the consulting group had announced a tourist attraction based entirely on climbing an enormous bridge to see the supposed delights of Cincinnati, Ohio, from the air.

"We really decided to take this over the top," said the site's editors, known as the Grand Poobah and JCK, in a prepared statement. "So first, we came up with the utterly ridiculous name of The Purple People Bridge Climb, but then we decided that wasn't quite enough. So we pushed it further and made it so it was called the Purple People Bridge Cl!mb. Yes, that's right, an exclamation point right in the middle of the word climb! And we replaced virtually every 'i' on the entire site with an exclamation point!"

The editors also noted with pride an obviously insane paragraph they included in the purported steps leading up to a climb (sorry, cl!mb):

All indemnity forms will be signed. An alcohol breath test will be taken to ensure that each Cl!mber is fit to take the Cl!mb. Cl!mbers will receive their Cl!mbing gear, placing it over their personal clothing. Communication equipment will be distributed consisting of the newest in “BONE CONDUCTION COMMUNICATIONS TECHNOLOGY.”

"'Bone conduction communications technology!' What a great line! God, we rule!" said JCK in an interview.

Another outstanding part of the spoof site, according to the editors, is the logo, in which an enormous man appears to be contempating urinating on the bridge. They also point to the theme climbs, in particular to the theme climb that would include these delights: "Cl!mbers decked out as gangsters will cross the bridge and learn the details of the 'sin city' past of the area, once known as 'Little Mexico'." ARN&R's editors pointed out that anyone doing so would obviously be dragged from the bridge by any rational human coming upon them, and that the concept of charging for such a privilege was utterly ridiculous.

Inquiries to the staff of International Theme Park Services have been unanswered; they appear as yet to be unaware of the fact that their site has been hacked so thoroughly.

Posted at 5:19 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Monday, November 07, 2005
Hydra Being Watched by Wildlife Management Teams

According to industry experts, Hydra: The Revenge, a floorless roller coaster desiged by Bolliger & Mabillard, has been under near-constant clandestine surveillance at Dorney Park by wildlife management teams since it opened earlier in 2005. The team, which has managed to remain hidden in Dorney Park's dense jungle foliage and tall savanna grass so as not to disturb either Hydra or the park's large number of patrons, has been carefully tracking movements and behavior patterns of the new ride.

"New, young roller coasters are always on the prowl, looking for a new area to call home," says coaster behavioral specialist Dr. Harry Wang. "When they come across a pride already in place, they will generally challenge the incumbent coaster. The result of this challenge will be that either of the combatants is killed or driven off in defeat. The unusual, and somewhat disturbing part of this scenario is that, if the new coaster is victorious, it will almost always make a prompt move to kill any of the prior coaster's offspring."

Scientists are therefore watching Hydra with great interest. After defeating Hercules, a large wood coaster created by Summers & Dinn, many are concerned that the new looper will make a move to destroy any surviving younger relatives of Hercules. Accordingly, the wildlife team is in constant contact with the owners of rides like the Georgia Cyclone, Mean Streak, and the Texas Giant to keep them alert to any aggressive moves from Hydra.

"Any and all Summers & Dinn rides from after 1989 are at risk," said Wang. "But frankly, we're most concerned about Mean Streak. As lame and weak as that ride is, it presents an incredibly easy target and would be unlikely to survive an attack of any sort."


Posted at 4:40 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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