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Thursday, October 06, 2005
Bandwidth Thievery Clarification
We got to thinking today that perhaps the "bandwidth thievery" dispute is merely the result of a discrepancy in terminology between the US and England. See, in this country we think linking to other websites is perfectly normal and bandwidth stealing is the act of taking someone's pictures themselves and using them on your site while draining resources from the original source. Could it be that in England there's a semantic difference, that linking to any site is considered stealing? This seemed puzzling (because how would anyone ever get to a British site except by linking to it?) but one had to consider it a possibility.
It was an issue that required research, but fortunately we have a British correspondent who contributes an occasional bit of news to ARN&R. We contacted her in hopes of receiving a definitive answer on the troubling issue of what constitutes bandwidth thievery in what country. She stated that coaster enthusiasts are complete nerds, particularly ones who write for amusement park satire sites, and could we please not bother her at work.
Glad we could clear that up.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
All Amusement Parks: "F*ck This"
A massive consortium that consists of every single amusement park in North America has banded together to issue a brief statement to the coaster enthusiast community.
The statement reads, in full, "F*ck This."
Edwin Lee, an spokesman for the park group, elaborated on why those he had represented had taken the drastic step of making this pronouncement:
"We've really tried our best to embrace the enthusiast community," said the rep. "Our member parks have thrown enthusiast events, provided gravy and ham, and tolerated slightly crazed-looking people stalking park managers and demanding that they account for trim brakes and track shuffle. But lately, we've all just gotten tired of dealing with them."
"Many of our parks have gotten exasperated when they create a new ride and then enthusiasts immediately tear it a new asshole before they even ride it," said Lee. "One example is a B&M Hyper opening at Six Flags Over Georgia. Considering that these seemed to be coveted by enthusiasts, we were surprised when people complained that it looks bad, that nothing the park does makes any sense, and just generally whined a lot.
"Then when Six Flags Great Adventure announced Toro, enthusiasts set a new land speed record bitching about it. That was weird, since enthusiasts have generally been spending the last several years salivating all over their yellow-stained t-shirts at the very thought of ever getting to try out an Intamin woodie like they've had in Europe."
Quoting a poster who said "So it's a really tall coaster with not enough track for it's height...[t]ypical TPM," Lee added, "Oh really? Well, the park has decided not to build the thing after all, since you think it's going to suck so much. Does that make you happy? Jesus, for some reason we thought you people wanted us to build you fun new coasters or something. Our bad. Won't happen again. All parks in North America will refrain from building any more new coasters in the future, and construction will be halted on those currently planned for next season."
"It's gotten to the point where parks are afraid to even name their rides," noted Lee. If you announce that you're opening a huge new coaster named Robin The Fondling, it's just going to lead to an online reprimand by an ACE member when someone commits the heinous crime of referring to it as Robin: The Fondling or Robin, The Fondling or Robin - The Fondling. From now on, all parks will just call every single ride 'A Roller Coaster.' It might get confusing when there are ten at one park, but at least enthusiasts will be happy that they don't need to correct semantics."
"Then there's the behavior of individual enthusiasts," Lee said. "It's not enough that these poor parks have to submit to the will of Mantis Man, pay for expensive sauce-cleaning procedures, have someone yell "NOT A WORLD CLASS COASTER!" during an event, and view enthusiast slap fights, is it? No, it's gotten to the point where a Coasterbuzz member will claim he was made physically 'ill' and proudly state that he did not thank park workers after a Valleyfair event this summer because he did not receive brake-free ERT rides, despite freely acknowledging that no promise or even the slightest mention of such brake-free ERT rides was ever made by the park. No more perks, sorry, can't deal with it anymore."
"And don't even get me started on those Absolutely Reliable bastards!" he concluded, wiping away a tear and gently holding himself, even though no one had brought the website up.
"We just wish you enthusiasts would leave us alone!" he wailed, immediately before running out of the room.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
The kind folks at the ECC have declared us bandwidth thieves for linking directly to their pictures. Actually, we're using less bandwidth than their requested alternative -- linking to the full page, which will load every single one of the pictures for the day -- and we weren't including the images themselves in our stories (which would genuinely be bandwidth thieves).
In any event, we really don't want them to have to block all referrers, so we've changed the links below to those of the full report pages from the relevant days. ECC folks: we won't link direct to your pictures again, so you can unblock other referrers if you like.
Monday, October 03, 2005
Universal Puts Stop to Happy Endings
In news that has the erotic massage community reeling, Universal Studios Florida has put an end to all happy endings during the amusement venue's infamous Halloween Horror Nights event.
"This sucks," proclaimed massage fan Thomas Huckleberry, 24. "That was the best part about going to Halloween Horror Nights. You could ride Hulk and Spiderman, get your butt scared off in some mazes, and then get an awesome massage."
The news came in the form of advertisements produced for various radio and television stations that were holding promotions and contests related to the spooky event. The ads proclaimed the following:
The most terrifying haunted houses ever created, scare zones that make your skin crawl, and monstrous creatures from inside the demented mind of "The Storyteller".
There are no happy endings to her tale. When she gets to "The End"... you're FINISHED.
But this lack of a happy ending this year makes Huckleberry and others unwilling to shell out all that money for the event. "What's the point of a massage without a happy ending?" he asked. "Without the hand job at the end, it's just a back rub, right? I'm not paying extra unless Granny gets me off!"
A representative from Disney scoffed at Universal's No Happy Endings policy, pleasantly adding that Disney does have happy endings available at all times at the Cinderella's Royal Table Restaurant inside the Magic Kingdom.
[Update: It has been pointed out that HHN does still feature massages. We stand by our reporting that there is no happy ending.]
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.