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Thursday, June 09, 2005
New Park Rumored to be Under Development
A source who asked to remain confidential has forwarded some intriguing information to ARN&R: a new U.S. park appears to be in the later planning stages. The source sent a number of corporate memos and some pre-production artwork from the amusement industry planning company Imaginatrix to support this news.
Groundbreaking should begin on Freelance Classical Musician Land as early as August of this year, with a targeted opening date of Spring, 2007. The information sent to us did not have the location of this planned park, but did provide some tantalizing hints at what it would hold. Amongst the attractions we know are slated for the park, subject to change, are the following:
Revenge of the Musicians: The Decimation
This appears to be a heavily themed Sally dark ride where patrons can shoot at annoying people. For example, killing a target that asks the rider when they plan to get a "real job" will be 100 points; killing one that sees the rider play an exceptionally difficult concerto the best they've ever played it and then says they think "Devil Went Down to Georgia" is harder will be 200 points; and killing one that says Josh Groban is a great musical artist will be 1,000,000,000 points.
Tax Time Stunt Show
In this exciting outdoor stunt venue, park visitors will experience the full fury of tax preparation by simulated classical musicians. Visitors will feel the thrilling agony of spending seventeen full days collecting 12 W-2's, 24 1099's, and bags of miscellaneous checks, teaching fees, and deductions; at the completion of this task, they will either owe money despite making 10,000 dollars the previous year, or, in certain versions of the show, receive a crisp refund check for one dollar from the State of Connecticut. Currently, the show is planned to run the entire seventeen days for "realism," but logistics may force it to a more manageable length.
Extreme Orchestra Management Anal Violator
In this motion simulation attraction, guests will feel what it is like to negotiate a new contract with the management of a regional orchestra. Among the thrills will be points where the management cuts the pay of the musicians while raising the salary of its chief executive by 20,000 dollars; insists on maintaining an attendance policy that allows no missed services, even in the case of repetitive stress injuries or car wrecks; not fixing a faulty door backstage that severed the finger of one musician and slashed another in the face; and telling the musicians, with a straight face, that their group, which pays about 3000 bucks a year and offers no benefits, should be the chief source of the musicians' income and primary place of loyalty, so they really shouldn't be performing with any other groups and wearing themselves out for this one. Practical concerns dictate that this simulator ride not last two full years as in reality, so an alternate plan has the park guests just sitting down and having a gigantic cattle prod rammed up their ass really hard.
Visitors will board a Toyota Corolla with far too many miles on it already. Simulating the life of a freelance musician, this attraction will force its riders to play 8 AM kiddie concerts in northern Vermont, drive to eastern Connecticut for night rehearsals, and then drive back for the next day's kiddie concerts, every day and night for exactly one week, all in a desperate effort to pay the electric bill on time. During one of the nights, selected at random, the car will be directed, for some unknown reason, by police straight into the exploded remains of a moose that someone else has just hit, spraying chunks of moose bones, brains, entrails, and scrotum all over the Corolla at speeds approaching 70 mph. The moose remains will be specially formulated to smell precisely as if Satan has taken a spicy burrito shit on the car, and several power washings will fail to remove all the red gore from the chassis. As with the previous attraction, the current plan calls for the entire seven-day experience to take place in real time, but it could eventually be scaled back to having patrons sit in a chair and then be beaten with baseball bats and have moose guts blasted into them via air cannon.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Message From the Dork Side
Ever bother to read the stuff at the bottom of our front page? In addition to alerting really stupid people that this is actually a satire site, instead of a source of actual hard-hitting news about things like Garfield's spraint being a thematic component of a Kennywood ride or Hersheypark opening a launched coaster called Misty of Chincoteague: The Xtreme Armageddon, the text down there contains the following handy warning:
"Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers."
That makes it all the more fun for us when people write to express their displeasure with our site. In this case, it's an Ultimate Roller Coaster poster named "Darthdino," who attempted to get people to go to the "Dark Side" instead of conforming to requests for the use of reasonably appropriate grammar at the site. We made fun of him in our Breaking News section by suggesting people "Come to the Dork Side." Sadly, the thread we referenced has already been deleted entirely, though its predecessor gives an equally superb glimpse into the mighty and profound intellect that is Darthdino.
Darthdino wrote to let us know what he thought. Here's the full text of his rant to us:
> On Jun 3, 2005, at 6:53 PM, Henry howards wrote:
>> You have made fun of me on your site i did not like that and neither
>> did URC. I....am w/ URC you are getting boycotted, you messed w/ the
>> wrong dark lord
We are unable to ascertain in what language this email was constructed. After an extensive meeting with the Absolutely Reliable Foreign And/Or Semi-Literate Customer Inquiry Center, the consensus was that it was probably either Norwegian, Punjabi, or Sanskrit, though there were also some votes for Flemish, Farsi, Swahili, and Moron. If anyone out there can provide us with a definitive translation, we'd appreciate it.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Enthusiast Seeks Vekoma's Wisdom
A coaster enthusiast recently put to rest the controversy over the inversion count for Vekoma's Flying Dutchmen-style rides by contacting Vekoma itself. The enthusiast, who admitted to being "awfully confused by inversion counts," went straight to the almighty temple of truth, wisdom, and justice- Vekoma itself- for an answer to her ills.
"Our Flying Dutchman (1018 meters) has 7 inversions," read the email response from the company, which experts say has no interest whatsoever in inflating anything about its rides in order to sell more of them.
"Thank God," said the enthusiast. "Vekoma really was the obvious place to check for honest information about their own rides. I have beheld the mighty fountain of truth that is emailed information from Vekoma, and it is wondrous. Thank goodness this wasn't a waste of my valuable time."
In other news, the American Coaster Enthusiasts have just announced that they have organized a seance to ask John Allen if PKI Racer should count as one or two coasters.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.