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Saturday, May 14, 2005
ConeyCon Tomorrow! (Or Today, if You're Reading This Sunday)
Just a reminder that 1st annual ARN&R ConeyCon will be tomorrow, rain or shine. It's either $10.99 or $12.99 for POP at Astroland from Noon to 4:00 p.m. and we've already bought the tickets so get your soggy ass there even if it rains. If it truly downpours all day (unlikely), then we are still meeting and everyone can expect to have fun anyway on our "ye olde historical bar-hopping tour" where we will curse the fact that nothing we are looking at in Coney will be around next year.
Now, on to more serious matters. It has come to our attention that there has been some confusion, and even controversy, over the ARN&R Code of Conduct, which will be strictly enforced at all present and future events. So, here are the rules again for clarification:
See you tomorrow!
Friday, May 13, 2005
Enthusiasts Placing Wagers on Kingda Ka Break-In
As the continually pushed-back opening date for Kingda Ka at Six Flags Great Adventure nears and is pushed back again, engineering experts (aka coaster enthusiasts) have been eagerly discussing the ride. Experts at CoasterBuzz, a popular online advertising website that reportedly still has coaster discussions on it, have been engaging in heated debates about what to expect from Kingda Ka during its first 3 years of operation. This early period is commonly referred to as the Break-In Period or Catastrophic Failure is Normal and Intamin is NOT at Fault for Unknown Factors Like Large Riders, Slight Winds, Engineering Flaws, and Unsecured Train Theming (CFNINFUFLLRSWEFUTT). The debate has become so intense that some casinos in Las Vegas have begun setting odds and taking wagers about which events will occur.
Vegas oddsmakers have been hard at work coming up with proxy bets of what will happen first during the normal CFNINFUFLLRSWEFUTT time.
Possible wagers, and their odds as of today, include:
In other news, Intamin is also in the running for Outstanding Achievement in Dull Train Design. A previous winner for the unstylish box with hyper seats bolted on wooden coaster trains, Intamin is facing stiff competition from Vekoma’s new Expedition Everest trains which managed to even make the boiler in the back look uninteresting, and upstart S&S’s entry for Powder Keg trains which could be the dark horse with a Time To Crate of 0.001 seconds.
Stay tuned for more coverage of Kingda Katastrophy 2005, as well as live web cam coverage of the 2005 coaster awards from JCK’s basement.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Tacky Wedding Contest Winners Revealed
Back in January, Better Weddings and Receptions magazine ran a survey to determine its Tackiest Wedding Ever contest winner. For the past several months, readers of the popular magazine have sent their responses in, and a champion is ready to be crowned. ARN&R will divulge the winner momentarily, but first, as a recap, we present the original Better Weddings and Receptions descriptions of the five finalists.
1) Tom and Katie host an outdoor wedding in North Carolina. The wedding ceremony is held at a location up in the mountains that has no running water, meaning that all wedding party members and the guests are forced to use an outhouse. Additionally, the groom admits during the ceremony that he purchased his bride's ring on layaway, so he expects he'll have it "pretty soon."
2) Brad and Angelina wisely decide on an outdoor wedding in Connecticut in early April, meaning that the temperature is a highly surprising 52 degrees Fahrenheit, with rain. The ceremony, hosted by a Justice of the Peace named "Vinnie," interrupts the heavy pre-wedding drinking of the entire wedding party, the majority (but not the entirety) of whom are convinced to at least put their drinks on the ground during the actual vows. Fortunately, the ceremony itself lasts only about a minute, so the bride is still able to down the rest of her screwdriver (her sixth) before any pesky ice melts and dilutes it.
3) Charles and Camilla have a coaster wedding. The wedding party members, including some relatives too old to walk without assistance, are strapped into Kraken. At some point during the ride, the minister conducts a ceremony that only the bride, groom, and best man can hear. After dismounting the ride, allowing paying customers back on it, the wedding party adjourns to the classy Shamu's Playhouse picnic area to shove cake in each others' faces and announce their decision to name their first child "Gwazi," regardless of the baby's gender.
4) Ben and Jennifer have their reception at a wedding factory, where wedding party members are announced NBA-style, complete with thumping booty music, strobe lights, and smoke. The bride and groom themselves are announced to the Rocky theme, whereupon they run into the reception room holding their hands up like someone anointed them champs, and then mock-box each other for their first dance. Wedding presents are opened at the wedding reception.
5) Kevin and Britney get hitched. During their ceremony, the bride and groom surprisingly unleash a duet of Meatloaf's Paradise by the Dashboard Light upon the guests. After this unusual maneuver, and following a great deal of hooting and cat-calling from the guests when they are asked if anyone has just cause to protest the wedding, the groom manages to up the class of the event even more by announcing, when told to kiss the bride, "we'll be with you in a minute." Reception follows in "Forge Room," which is filled with anvils and stuffed moose heads. More hooting and cat-calling follows, but, sadly, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad and I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That) do not.
The results of the survey, listed below as the percentage of the magazine's readership who voted for each entry as the Tackiest Wedding Ever, are quite interesting:
1) Meatloaf wedding (41%)
2) Outhouse wedding (40%)
3) Drunk wedding (11%)
4) NBA wedding (6%)
5) Coaster wedding (2%)
The narrow victory for Meatloaf over outhouses made for mildly compelling theater, but the most important story has to be the lack of votes for the coaster wedding. Apparently, when placed alongside these other trashfests, getting hitched on a coaster comes out looking pretty classy. This is certainly good news for coaster enthusiasts everywhere.
The three or four who managed to take a girl on a date last year, anyway.
ARN&R lovingly corrects errors. Indeed, it thrills us more than it likely should to correct errors.
It has come to our attention that this week's Site O' The Weak is not, in point of fact, a source of "warmed-over press releases." Rather, that function is achieved by ITPS's daily news e-mail. The ITPS blog is, rather, strictly a source for questionable-to-terrible spelling and grammar. And that horrible, horrible yellow.
ARN&R regrets the error, and will engage in even more self-flagellation than usual.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Severe Eye Hazard! Be Alert!
We have many gallons of horrible websites to which your attention will be directed in the coming weeks, but today, one jumped to the front of the line.
It's not the content, though we question the need for another source to see warmed-over press releases and questionable-to-terrible spelling and grammar ("Real TV with emotion , not the muck you see today like Fear Factor, andThe Batchelor, Batchelorette,Etc."). But it's that yellow.
That yellow that burns into your eyes, into your brain, into your very soul. How, if there is a just God, can there be HTML coding to permit such a yellow?
Please, make it stop.
But until it stops, or at least until next week, International Theme Park Services' new Blog will be our Site O' The Weak.
Monday, May 09, 2005
New Park Proposed
Doyle Lucia has a brilliant idea.
He's figured out the next huge market for an amusement park. He's done the research, he's done the planning, he's ready to go, once he finds the investors.
Lucia, 18, an ACE member living in Grangeville, Idaho, knows with certainty that his region of north central Idaho could easily support a new Six Flags or Paramount seasonal park, and quite possibly a full-fledged Disney or Universal resort.
"I've asked everyone I know in the North Idaho Coaster Enthusiasts group if they'd go, and they all totally said they would," said Lucia in a letter sent to every major amusement park company and, oddly, ARN&R. "I've been doing preliminary plans with my buddy Freddy [Glaros, another NICE member], and the park we have in mind would rock. We'd only have to charge $10 for admission, because we'd all work for free. And there are so many tourists who come through town every year -- last summer, I bet I saw at least fifty people I'd never seen before, and there are almost 15,000 people living here already! That should be plenty to support an Intamin hyper and a GCI twister."
Lucia's letter included what he called "preliminary architectual drawings" that were clearly screen-grabs of a Roller Coaster Tycoon scenario run with every cheat code possible active. He also noted that he had been in touch with the Coaster Preservation Organization (formerly Club) and was "really excited" about the possibilities of a collaboration with that group's Lee Coaster, whom he called a "visionary."
Six Flags CEO Kieran Burke was reportedly intending to invest $1 billion of investors' money in the park.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.