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Thursday, April 14, 2005
Ohio Child Protective Services Clamps Down at PKI
The enthusiast world's eyes have been focused on Paramount's Kings Island's new coaster, The Italian Job: Stunt Track, featuring special effects that will make riders virtually certain they are watching an absolutely genuine replica of a plastic helicopter on a large pneumatic lift. Additionally, loud noises and flashing lights will convince riders that they are hearing and seeing loud noises and flashing lights that might in some vague way resemble gunshots.
But across the park, ARN&R has learned that Ohio's Department of Job and Family Services has stepped in to protect children from serious abuse and neglect. To that end, department employees have installed what they call "Comfort Cages" on the platform of Son of Beast.
Children being protected from Son of Beast
"We saw it more and more -- kids coming into our offices complaining of the shuffling, the lack of pacing, the sheer abuse of the ride," says Martha Hobner, ODJFS spokesperson. "Over time, we recognized a pattern: they'd all ridden that RCCA/Premier atrocity at Kings Island. We had to step in."
According to Hobner, ODJFS employees will be on hand at the end of the ride queue to spot parents attempting to impose the ride on their children. The parents will be arrested and the children placed in the comfort cages, pictured above. At least weekly, ODJFS drivers will transport the children to a nearby transfer facility, where their parents, after going through an extensive re-education program, will have the opportunity to be reunited with the children.
"But sometimes it doesn't quite work," says Hobner. "That's why we have that 'Not responsible for lost items' sign up."
Reports indicate that ODJFS staffers are considering a similar program for Cedar Point's Mean Streak, citing the ride's tendency to dull children's senses through sheer dullness rather than brutality. Additionally, Congress is reportedly considering legislation that would declare any wooden coaster over 150 feet "totally lame and gimmicky."
--GP (with photojournalism from MOS)
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Disneyland Adds New Special Event Travel Package
Eager to please visitors who want to go that extra mile in pursuit of fun and whimsy, the Disneyland Resort in California has made available a number of exciting and heavily discounted travel packages to coincide with its "Celebrating 50 Years of Magical Memories" event, which runs from July 15-17. Among the cleverly themed offerings are Walt's Dream, which offers two nights at a Disney hotel, one day in the park, a handful of meals, trinkets, and seats at a few panel discussions for the insanely low cost of $1955.00 per person, and Roy's Plan, a very similar package that features a few less panel discussions and slightly fewer trinkets for the jaw-dropping bargain of $1750.00 per person.
Naturally, the incredible savings being offered by Disneyland for this once-in-a-millennium opportunity have made these limited travel packages sell briskly. With that in mind, Disney has generously announced that it will add another bargain travel package for its event. Although all property hotels are near capacity and most of the specific events mentioned in the other packages are booked solid, Disney promises that the customers who purchase "Goofy's Shaft" will have an incredibly fun time, all while being part of the big event and saving a ton of money over what they would pay just to visit the Disneyland Resort by normal methods.
Goofy's Shaft Will Include the Following:
- TWO (2) Nights Accommodation in Disney's Grand Californian Hotel parking lot (no cars, tents, campers, or sleeping bags, please).
- Continental breakfast at Downtown Disney's ESPN SportsZone (event attendees must pay for any food or drink consumed).
- Opportunity to shop at World of Disney superstore (no discounts available at this time).
- Exciting chance of a lifetime: "Be a Disney Food Service Worker." In this once-in-a-lifetime experience, event attendees will work preparing and serving food for twelve straight hours in a surprise restaurant in an actual Disney theme park.
- Opportunity to watch thousands of excited customers enter Disney's California Adventure from special reserved seating at back of theme park parking lot.
- Signed photographs of Disney movie stars. (Event attendees must provide photos, pen or pencil, and reasonably forged movie star signatures.)
- Disney Resort brochure and Disneyland park map.
- One (1) glass of warm tap water (night of 7/15 only).
- One (1) latex glove and one (1) scoop of vaseline (night of 7/16 only).
Tickets for the Goofy's Shaft event package are only $1,005.00, per person. Availability is limited to 500 Guests, so interested parties are encouraged to act quickly to reserve their place.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
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Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.