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Friday, April 01, 2005
Ultimate Rollercoaster Fires English Professor
As full-time Associate Professor of English at Ultimate Rollercoaster, Dr. James Wilton had a good job, benefits, and lots of time off in the summer. That all changed when he was unceremoniously fired for gross incompetence this week, just two years from achieving tenure. Now the formerly beloved teacher will be forced to seek work elsewhere, always carrying this blemish on his record.
"I did what I could," said a distraught Wilton, as he somehow packed all of his office belongings into one cardboard box. "I assumed that, with my dedicated help, many of these youngsters would eventually be able to spell and use English grammar in a way that made their posts somewhat comprehensible. I even thought I might get some of our problem cases to be able to write at a first or even second grade level within a year or two. But I failed. I failed miserably."
According to an administration official who asked not to be identified, there had been "ample evidence" of Wilton's failures as an English professor on display in thousands of illegible URC posts visible to the general public over the past year. However, the move to fire the teacher was only made when the particularly galling "Gwazi at Busch Gardens Tampa Florida" thread was recently discovered by URC officials.
Among the atrocities against the English language cited by URC administrators were the following actual quotes from the thread:
That ride is really cool best wooden rollercoaster I have ever rided on!!! Who has rided it and agrees with me?
Is it a Jeckel and Heide Coaster?
...one park KNOWS how to operate there ride & maitenance it...
the ride your talking about is no fun it is really dumb I like Gwazi
"I've never said this in two decades of teaching English," said Wilton. "But it just might be that there is no hope for some of these posters. The children may be our future, you may teach them well, but maybe you don't want them leading the way."
"If that Ultimate Rollercoaster thread is what got me fired, the least you can do is make it the Absolutely Reliable News and Rumors Site O' the Weak," added Wilton, just before leaving his office forever.
--JCK (From an Idea by WDL)
Thursday, March 31, 2005
ARN&R Tours Announced
Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors, inspired by the always-balanced Jim Hill and his recently-ended Disney tours, is pleased to announce The Unknown Enthusiast’s 2005 Amusement Park Tour schedule. These in-depth, no-holds-barred tours of your favorite attractions are chock full of details that could only be known to one man. Or woman. You know, the Unknown Enthusiast is all unknown.
During each two-hour walking* tour, the Unknown Enthusiast will lead you on a journey like no other you’ve experienced in your local park. See for yourself the sights that you may have only heard about in coaster enthusiast lore:
- Six Flags New England: See for yourself the exact spot in the S:ROS queue where people leave tampons as an offering to the gods and/or to Sandor Kernacs. Also see the secret pole showing the 100-year flood-of-feces record.
- Six Flags Great America: The U.E. explains all the messy details of the famed “Rumble in Mardi Gras Land” when ACE and CoasterBuzz collided over bragging rights to first rides on the wild mouse.
- Six Flags St. Louis/Paramount Kings Island: Find out why parks that host Scooby Doo shooting rides also seem to attract the ugliest people in the country!
- Knott’s Berry Farm: Follow in the steps of the famed “Mantis Man” and get the Unknown Enthusiast’s inside look into his world of Xcelerator Madness.
- Islands of Adventure: Witness the precise location of the "Guy Near Hulk" sighting.
- Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom: See the spot where, twenty years ago this year, SFKK officially became the White Trash Super-Park.
- In a very special side trip, tour participants will visit Six Flags headquarters in Oklahoma to see the very first dollar bill ever lost by management, as well as a framed and engraved copy of the first SEC filing to blame massive losses on bad weather.
ARN&R expect these tours to sell out very quickly, please reserve your spot today! More stops on the tours will be announced soon, if we remember.
*As this is a walking tour, please understand that you should be in general good health to participate. While efforts have been made to chart each tour’s course in a downhill slope, ACE members are warned that some uphill walking without a food destination may be required.
[Ed. Note: Several ARN&R contributors will in fact be visiting Coney Island next month on May 15. Drop a line (contact link over there to the left) if you might be there for what will henceforth be known as AbsolutelyReliableConeyCon! For reasons that we don't even fully understand ourselves, the event will be themed after Def Leppard's "Photograph," in particular the line, "You're all I want, my fantasy." How this theme will be implemented is still under discussion and negotiation with the original stars of the 1983 video.]
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Man Gleans Important Update on Starliner Status From Screamscape, Sort Of
According to coaster enthusiast Rolf Gleba, 43, he has learned from the website Screamscape that the endangered wood coaster Starliner, of the now-defunct Miracle Strip Amusement Park, may be saved and moved to a new location. As it looked nearly certain until recently that the underrated and entertaining John Allen ride would be torn down to make way for condominiums or shopping plazas, this news was met with great surprise and pleasure from Gleba. However, the enthusiast was unable to access any further details about the possible relocation.
"Well, I went to the front page to see what was new at Screamscape," said Gleba, "and after a half hour or so of my CPU dealing with the giant Shoot the Ninja animation, and a couple more ads, and a pop-up asking if I had spyware, I clicked on the Rumors page. Then I had another half-hour wait so my computer could process a giant animated Shoot and Get a Free Ipod ad, a giant blinking Who is This Celebrity ad, a tire commercial, and a Starbucks ad with a huge thing that bounced up and down. When I clicked on the link that said it would tell me about Starliner, my computer froze up after another pop-up and three blinky advertisements hit it at once. I think one of them had Paris Hilton in it, but I don't remember the rest. Anyway, I figured I could reboot and try it again, but then I thought, 'ah, screw it, I don't have time for this,' so I never found out anything more extensive about what was going to happen to Starliner."
"But someone bought it and wants to move it somewhere," he added. "You can quote me on it."
[Editor's Note: When asked for comment on the possible impending move of the Starliner, or on Gleba's inability to learn much about it, a representative of rec.roller-coaster said that its members didn't care one way or another about "some dumb coaster," and further added that Olive Garden and Red Lobster rule and family-owned restaurants suck.]
Monday, March 28, 2005
ARN&R: Minor Local Celebrity Gossip Clearing House
We recently received the following message at ARN&R's contact email from someone named Kaye Hard. We swear we have reprinted it verbatim below:
While watching the news tonight, John Tracy was teasing Meghan about being at the station 24 hours and she commented something about not much of a wife. Has she remarried? Thank you, a faithful listener.
Naturally, ARN&R makes it a point of pride to know all about the personal lives of obscure Alaskan news reporters. Of course we know whether or not Meghan has remarried. We just don't feel like telling you. Frankly, your deep interest in the subject is a little stalkerrific for our taste. So sorry. Thank you for playing, and please pick up your consolation surprises backstage.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.