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Friday, February 11, 2005
Plenty of weirdos have accidentally come across our website after typing in bizarre, freakish, or slightly grotesque searches at Google. And, although we don't have what these weirdos are looking for, we're certainly glad they dropped in on us anyway. Who doesn't like to read some amusement park industry satire when they're hot and horny to jerk it to some Jessica Simpson camel toe rumors? We don't have any pictures of Jessica Alba belching or Denise Richards scratching herself, and, sadly, seeing as we would probably be fairly wealthy by this point if we did, you will not find Paris Hilton crotch at ARN&R, either. But that doesn't mean we don't appreciate everyone's business, even if they came here by mistake.
Well, maybe not everyone. For instance, the person who came to ARN&R searching for "David Hasselhoff in speedo." Yes, you. Please go away and never come back. You frighten us.
People Take ARN&R Seriously Again
Every couple of months it happens. Despite every conceivable indication that our website is completely silly, ridiculous, and no sane person could believe a single dang word written on it, someone inevitably thinks ARN&R is a real source for news and posts a link to us.
One of our favorites (sadly, now offline) was when the Florida Historical Foundations, a group partly dedicated to saving the memory of Boardwalk and Baseball, linked to an absurd story of ours where the Cincinnati Bengals tried to visit the long-closed park after a losing season, were bitten by rabid dogs, and were seen visibly crying. The Florida Historical Foundations took it so seriously that they even quoted from our article. And, of course, our material frequently appears on various coaster message boards, where some dumbass inevitably believes and posts a link to such nonsense as the Garfield upgrade at Kennywood consisting of jet-propelled cat dander and an overwhelming odor of spraint. Come, people. Use those noggins.
Our latest victims are the members of the Houston Architecture Info Forum, who made the mistake of believing an ARN&R article regarding their local park, Six Flags Astroworld. At least they were properly chagrined when their error was pointed out, but the discussion before that point was pretty amusing. Amusing enough to make Site O' the Weak.
As always, please tune in to ARN&R, where only the most highly researched and utterly factual amusement park news and notes are reported.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
New Lent Themed Section to Debut at Six Flags Great America
In a surprising move today, Six Flags Great America announced an entirely new themed section that will debut at the beginning of the 2006 season: Lent. According to a park spokesman, this new area will be an "explosive smorgasbord of thrilling excitement devoted to rip-roarin' religious contemplation and fasting."
The new Lent themed area will be located right next to the recently opened Mardi Gras section of the Gurnee, Illinois, megapark, in order to "provide a realistic comparison and contrast of two of the most kick-ass holidays known to this planet," according to the rep.
Continuing, he noted that the general feel of solemnity and retrospection in the Lent land will be "just totally wicked awesome."
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
B&M Introduces Inverted Mini
Following the tremendously positive reaction to Apple's announcement of the new Mac mini low-price computer, famed coaster designers Bollinger & Mabillard announced today a new "Inverted mini" coaster.
"With this, patrons can live the inverted lifestyle in stylish simplicity!" enthused company spokesman Melinda McCloud. "The new Inverted mini stands nearly three feet tall and yet performs as a complete full-course coaster!"
When reporters pointed out to McCloud that the ride appeared to be a hastily-repainted model coaster from Coaster Dynamix, McCloud scoffed and ended the press conference, declaring the Inverted mini to be "everything you wanted, and nothing you don't need. Unless you are over five inches tall. Then you might want to buy a full-scale version."
Six Flags has reportedly ordered one for each of its parks, paying what it deemed to be a "bargain" at $2.3 million per installation.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.