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Thursday, January 27, 2005
Six Flags America to Follow Hersheypark Trend
Six Flags America made a shocking announcement today regarding park plans for the 2005 season. Taking after Hersheypark, which recently canceled this year's new coaster addition, Six Flags America has decided to cancel all park projects this year in order to maintain its hard-earned reputation of never adding anything.
Kieran Burke, CEO of Six Flags Incorporated, made a special trip to SFA in below freezing weather today to announce that this year’s planned expansion of sinks and water fountains would be canceled in order to prove know-it-all coaster enthusiasts wrong on all accounts, and sources close to the Six Flags camp say that this trend may last longer than one year.
“We had thought about adding a Standup roller coaster in the past few years, then a mouse, then a new water park back behind Superman, but some coaster idiot kept foiling our plans.” Burk stated. He then went on to explain, “So instead, we had decided not to add anything relevant to the park, but just add sinks and water fountains around the back of the park. But in response to this thread on CoasterBuzz, we’ve decided to take after Hersheypark and cancel all additions instead. Boy, that Hershey knows how to take care of customers!”
Rumor has it that Six Flags Darien Lake, Six Flags Astroworld, and Six Flags St. Louis will follow suit with similar announcements later this month.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Speaking of Sites O' the Weak
It's that time again, friends and enemies. And for this week's Site O' the Weak, we delve back a bit, into a Coasterbuzz topic that hasn't had a new post added since last summer. Normally, we try to pick on forum topics that are more current, but we only just stumbled across this beauty. We think you'll agree with us that the "grandur" of this topic makes it worthwhile to share.
In this excellent thread, a new poster brags about how his cousin's best friend's neighbor's cat once sprainted on some guy whose boss had a friend who used the same urinal a day after either Bolliger or Mabillard used it, or some such useless crap, as if anyone cares. The kind folk of Coasterbuzz react in their normal tolerant, patient way, with hilarity ensuing.
Our favorite part is when the poster says "it's okay to insult me, but please do it correctly," but that's hardly the only highlight. Read on.
Today's Lesson: How to Make a Coaster Site That Sucks Balls
We get thousands of letters every day asking "ARN&R, how can I get my website to be listed as the Site O' the Weak? Huh? Huh?"
Actually, we don't get that many letters saying that. Most of them have lots of words spelled wrong, as opposed to the example above. But indeed, it's a coveted title, one that gets your site all the right kind of recognition. However, webmasters are frequently confused as to how they might position themselves and their lame-ass, pathetic, coaster nerd sites for inclusion in our hall of shame.
Fortunately, someone finally created a website specifically designed to instruct people on how to make crappy sites that ARN&R writers can notice and subject to ridicule: How to Make an Annoying Web Page.
Okay, actually it isn't designed as a primer for how to be an SOW at all. But it sure comes in handy when you're looking to be mocked by ARN&R. Just follow some of the helpful hints on this website, throw in some stupid comments about your homemade coaster skid mark collection or how your 2002 CoasterCon ID badge you wear around to other parks is certain to get you some p*ssy, and you'll be well on your way to lining up with about three thousand similarly worthless sites and forum topics we'll get around to taking the piss out of some decade or another.
[Author's Note: Of course, about 90% of you coaster enthusiasts out there have no need whatsoever to peruse the Annoying Web Page site, as your site already sucks balls on its own and really doesn't need the help. But you might.]
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.