Still here. But mostly in 140 characters.
- - -

Thursday, January 13, 2005
Burke Declares Six Flags Iraq Opening Date Will Not Be Postponed

Six Flags CEO Kieran Burke announced to the press yesterday that rumors of Six Flags Iraq's opening day being pushed back are false.

"Last year, I stood with President Bush, and we vowed together that by the beginning of next year, Iraq would hold a reasonably free and fair election, and that Iraq would have a Six Flags amusement park. Well, he's not backing down, and neither am I."

The opening date for the park, which is to replace the failed Six Flags Over Shiite-Controlled Iraq, is set for February 5th, the first Saturday after elections. Many feel the security concerns are so great that the park should never have been built, let alone opened.

The project, financed by federal money that the park is to pay back through future profits, has already spiraled to over 1 billion dollars. Overages have included replacing the Vekoma Boomerang, which has been destroyed or partially destroyed by bombs five times, replacing the Vekoma SLC, which has been damaged under similar circumstances twice, and, of course, the very costly siege of Frontiertown.

"Yes, taking Frontiertown back from the rebels was very costly, very bloody, and a very long proocess but one that was absolutely necessary," Burke stated when asked about the incident, "The two months Frontiertown was occupied was two months too long. Worse, we had heard rumors the rebels were gearing up to take Loony Tunes Square as well. We realized if we lost Loony Tunes Square, we were likely to lose Superhero Circle, and from Superhero Circle they could take the whole park. We needed to act aggressively."

Other cost overruns concern staff. Ever since the kidnapping and beheading of three seasonal Polish employees 3 days after their arrival, the park has been staffed by a South African company called "Warwick International," whose last freelance staffing assignment concerned the bloody crushing of the Nigerian rebellion in 2001. As opposed to typical Six Flags staff throughout the world, who make an average of $6 an hour, the Warlock staff make an average of $100 an hour.

Maybe more problematically, none of the staff, who patrol the park in short sleeve desert camouflage shirts sporting AK47s, have been trained to operate rides and refuse to clean the outhouses, saying only cryptically that "such labor is for the eastern Majors." Six Flags insiders point out, however, that this makes the Six Flags Iraq employees no different than the employees at the SF properties of Magic Mountain, Darien Lake, and Kentucky Kingdom.

The parks woes have not been limited to security. Last month, the Hurricane Harbor water park was shelved indefinitely when it was realized there would be no water in the region by opening day. Attempts to use a luminous jelly normally used for explosives as a water replacement on the log flume and water slides have had mixed, but largely disastrous, results.

None of this, however, has deterred Burke or the current administration, who has called the opening SFI "an important step forward in Iraqi freedom." Burke said that "he himself" would be on hand at the park's opening day "to show my confidence in how safe the park would be," and further declared that SFI's planning for SFoI would prove "every bit as successful as our massive debt-laden efforts domestically."

ARN&R promises to keep you up to date on this developing story.


Posted at 1:37 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

- - -

Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Name Changes Through History

Now that Dover Lake Park has decided to rename its "Tsunami" wave pool, ARN&R thought it would be a good time to take a look back in amusement park history at other times when rides and attractions had name changes due to sudden events and cultural shifts.

1929 - Coney Island, New York - Window Plunge of Doom rethemed to Parachutes

1930s - Riverview Park, Chicago - The Drunken Micks (an Old Mill float-through) changed to Temperance Time: Removing Satan's Elixir

1946 - Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk's "Whipping Wars With Our Friends the Russians" themed Whip renamed "Whipping the Godless Communists"

1946 - Sole surviving Russian ice slide renamed "Grand Victory Over Capitalism"

1963 - Disneyland, California - "It's a Small, Separate but Equal World" renamed

1969 - Silver Dollar City, Branson - Themed dark ride "Lynchin' the Darkies!" rethemed and retitled, reflecting contemporary poltical sensitivities, "Lynchin' the Hippies!"

1975 - Magic Kingdom, Orlando - On May 1, Magic Kingdom closes its exhibit of 6 years, "Vietnam - Why We Can't Lose," eventually retitling and retheming it to "Goofy & Mickey - A Lifetime of Laughs"

1986 - La Ronde, Montreal - Rotor ride "REAKTOR!" closes after Chernobyl

2005 - Magic Kingdom, Orlando - On January 1, Magic Kingdom closes its exhibit of 18 months, "Iraq - Why We Can't Lose," eventually retitling and retheming it to "Goofy & Mickey - Even More Laughs"


Posted at 3:28 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

- - -

Monday, January 10, 2005
Site O' the Weak Returns

Yes, we know it's been a little while since we added a new Site O' the Weak. But your suffering is at an end (or is it just beginning?), for we have a whole new series of the wondrously awful lined up for your emotional, and perhaps even physical, gratification. We'll start off with one that's been lying around a bit and we sort of forgot to make fun of before.

Back in November, we linked to an eye-searing website called Boils the Clown's Funhouse. The reference seemed to cause a great deal of stress to the webmaster, so much so that he apparently lost his mind. Specifically, he thought we had removed the article in response to a threatening email (it just scrolled off the main page into archives, something that happens to pretty much every article on every Blog ever written, and it's readily available to anyone bored or sick enough to bother reading the rest of ARN&R besides the front page), and then made the completely bizarre assumption that ARN&R is produced by the webmaster of Coasterbuzz (nope, try again).

A forum topic this insane can only deserve the rich reward that is the ARN&R SOW.


Posted at 3:37 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

- - -

Sunday, January 09, 2005
New Feature: Ask Rob Viands

ARN&R is proud to announce our latest feature, "Ask Rob Viands." As you know, some weeks ago, we asked you, our readers, to write in with your questions for the well-known, loved and respected ride and coaster enthusiast Rob Viands. Each week we'll be picking three lucky readers to have their questions answered by this noted amusement park expert! As always, this is an ARN&R exclusive. So without further ado, the first week's installment of "Ask Rob Viands."

Dear Rob Viands,

I've been saving up my pennies and dimes for some time now, and I think I have enough to take the family on a nice, big family vacation! As Mormons, we're interested in wholesome entertainment, and are considering Orlando. But here's the pickle we're facing:

Do you think we should go with Disney, or the Universal parks? While I know Disney is famous, lots of people say great things about the Universal parks. Plus, if we do Universal, we can also probably squeeze in Busch Gardens Tampa.

Which do you reccomend?


Confused Mormons in Utah

Dear CMIU:

I hope more laws are passed stopping bogus lawsuits so the lawyers can go out of business and become waiters. Most of them are Jewish. They used to be doctors, but that's stopped. Now the doctors are Pakistani and you don't see many Jewish doctors any more.

And don't get married. If people didn't get married, lawyers wouldn't have divorce cases to handle. They're just middle men dividing everything up instead of a judge. If you can't divide on your own, then you go see the judge. Forget that, if people didn't get married, the hos wouldn't cheat, and then they'd just leave. Instead they get to clean the clock of the guy and the lawyers get rich.

If Jews want to become doctors again, then I'll respect them. But right now they're only CEOs and Lawyers. Cheap bastards.

And I wasn't drunk when I wrote that one, the hate is always there when it comes to cheap Jew bastards.


Rob V

Dear Rob Viands,

Please help me with an arguement I have with my best friend. Which is better? Disneyland or Magic Kingdom?

Betting in Boise

Dear BIB:

You see, most CEOs are Jewish, and their job is to cut company budgets so thin, that people lose their job.

Just answer this question you Jew Bag.

Are you looking to be a doctor, or lawyer?

I know the answer. It's a lawyer. Jews are no longer doctors because of the malpractice insurance rates. If Jews stoped suing Jews then there would be more good doctors. Instead, it's turned into a freakin' minimum wage job held by Indians and Pakistanis.


Rob V

Dear Rob Viands,

My family and I will be in the Northeast next summer, and would like to take a trip to a nearby park. Which park would you reccomend that has attractions for both kids, teens, and even us adults?

Thanks in advance,

Curious in California

Dear CIC:

Family rides blow. Even Burke from SF admitted it. They didn't do anything last year and paid for it.

Bring back coaster wars.


Now shut up you family people. Shut up.

People, it's real easy.

Just drink BUD.

Support Busch Gardens so they can build more coasters.

When I walk down the beer aisle at my grocery store, I think, "Gee, I'll try an import." Then I think, "Naw, I'll drink BUD and help Busch Gardens build a new coaster." Then I think, "I'll drink a case."

No brainer.


Gawd damd it.

You f*ckers.


Rob V

--MOS (with help from Rob Viands's actual posts on the newsgroup RRC)

Posted at 4:34 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

- - -


[Powered by Blogger]

Copyright 2002-2009 Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors.

By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.

Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."

Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.

Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.

We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.