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Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Bush Administration Launches "Leave No Coaster Behind" Program
Responding to allegations that the United States coaster system is in shambles and falling behind against the entire rest of the globe, President George W. Bush today formalized his administration's new tough policy: Leave No Coaster Behind.
"The United States is accustomed to being the best, and it is the best, so we must not allow other countries to overtake our coaster dominance," said the president in a media address, carefully and slowly forming difficult words such as "coaster" and "globe" with reasonable comprehensibility. He continued: "In the latest Mitch Hawker poll, foreign rides made up a substantial amount of the top twenty woodies, despite lower numbers of riders who had taken the poll. This is alarming. We will defeat other nations with our standardized polling!"
President Bush added that he was certain his new program would "work out great," but if, in a year's time or so, the U.S. still did not possess every spot in the Hawker top twenty, he would "bomb the shit out of Sweden and Germany" until they are less equipped with top-notch thrills than the USA.
Leave No Coaster Behind is a system whereby each of the country's amusement parks will be required to have all of its coasters submit to a number of yearly enthusiast polls. Parks with rides not meeting minimum national standards will lose funding, relegating them punitively to having even stupider coasters the next season. Parks with coasters scoring high marks in standardized test areas such as "laterals" and "abrupt airtime" will receive additional government funding and a slightly limp and damp (figurative) handshake from the president.
"This is absurd," said Fran Wellington, an employee of the impoverished backwoods Camden Park. "How can I compete with parks run by Disney and Universal? We barely have funding for outhouses, let alone textbooks!"
Wellington noted that "preparing Big Dipper for a standardized test all season" would actually greatly hurt the learning development of the woodie, which would be better served by learning new information each year and being encouraged to think for itself and solve problems instead of just reviewing multiple-choice answers over and over.
"This policy will teach a coaster how to place highly in a standardized poll," noted Wellington. "It won't show whether a ride actually kicks ass or sucks my balls."
The Leave No Coaster Behind program will commence with the regular 2005 spring and summer amusement park season.
Monday, January 03, 2005
Local Enthusiast Still Unaware that "Tsunami Relief Fund" is Not Referring to Clementon Park Sale
Local enthusiast Byron Mathews, who goes by the name "B&M4eVaH" on the local coaster fan forum "Scream Network," was until this morning unaware that the thread entitled "Tsunami Relief Fund" was referring to the deadly Tsunami waves that have killed more then 130,000 people, and not the "For Sale" listing of Clementon Park and their coaster, Tsunami, in the Wall Street Journal.
Apparently Mathews, 30, assumed that the thread appealing to enthusiasts to donate to their local Red Cross concerned Tsunami the roller coaster, and then never bothered to open the thread. "I just figured some enthusiasts were pooling some money together to save the coaster in case someone bought Clementon who wanted to put up condos or something," Byron explained to ARN&R.
How Mathews, however, has not actually heard of a news event that has captured global television and newspapers is a phenomenon known by sociologists as "Assburgia," where a human being's obsession with one particular hobby dwarfs their ability to be aware of any basic realities going on in the world around them.
When told of the massive disaster, Mathews was reported to exclaim, "Geesh!" and then inquired if any coasters were damaged in the disaster.
Yes, Faithful Minions...Articles are Coming
Greetings, readers. We know the updates have been a little slow here the past couple of weeks. The ARN&R staff has been a bit neglectful in presenting daily amusements for you due to travel, seeing family, having guests in town, and, in one case, drinking too much on New Year's Eve after a particularly wretched day of work.
Also, it was hard to tear ourselves away form the Absolutely Reliable Hot Tub, what with Jessica Alba splashing around in the nice warm water and all.
A return to normal operations is imminent. We thank you for your patience. We thank you even more for your slavish devotion, if applicable.
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Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
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