Still here. But mostly in 140 characters.
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Friday, December 24, 2004
Last-Minute ARN&R Gift Guide

Merry Jesus Day loyal ARN&R readers! Yes it is FMB dropping the holidays like they are hot. If you have forgotten to buy something for that enthusiast who is special to you (or who is simply that nerdy neighbor that works on your computer in exchange for Hot Pockets) then the Fiftieth Annual Absolutely Reliable Gift Guide is right up your alley. Sit back, chill with some niz-og and watch as I spit my mad Christmas game.

5. Roller Coaster Clock

Your beloved enthusiast has everything coaster-related. But, I bet they don't have a clock put together by meth-lab entrepreneurs doing their work-release program. Nothing quite says class like having a beautiful coaster clock hanging next to that Magnum XL-200 poster and above that sink full of dirty dishes. Looking for an investment? A coaster wall clock will only going to appreciate in value.

4. Back Hair Trimmer- Perfect for the Coaster Bear in your life:

3. Subscription to Thrillride!

Sure, 2.7 cents per-day is a lot of money, especially when you are living in your parents' basement on food stamps. However, unlike other subscription-based coaster websites Thrillride! is important. With the in-depth Wild Rumors and up-to-date content you can be sure that your enthusiast will be happier than a pig in shit.

2. Lighted Disney Jackets

Coaster couples love to show that they love one-another by wearing matching neon Indiana Beach shirts, embroidered hot pants and delicious ARN&R thongs [Ed. Notes: No flavor included]. But no two people can consider to be a pair unless they pick up some sassy Disney jackets. These beautifully embroidered jackets utilize the same space-age lighting technology found on train sets. Guys, scrap the diamond this year. If you want to get into her pants pick up these great declarations of love.

1. Living with Coasters

Forget Citizen Kane, the real cinematic genius is found in Paul Greenwald's 2003 release Living with Coasters. This work of art traces the history of the American Coaster Enthusiasts (ACE) from its founding by a few dateless losers to the bloated bureaucracy of dateless losers it is today. We see intimate shots of Paul on all fours in his bedroom, marathoning on Rebel Yell and watch as Kennywood Park laughs at its insurance adjusters by allowing enthusiasts to walk Thunderbolt as the train speeds by. If you have ever wanted to see why enthusiasts are not understood by people who get laid on a regular basis, be sure to pick this up!


Photos courtesy of MSR

Posted at 1:26 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Wednesday, December 22, 2004
TSA Agents Culled From Park Ranks

With the holiday crunch upon us the Transportation Security Agency (TSA) has looked to new sources to fill the ranks of their incompetent workforce. Outgoing Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge said, “Traditionally we have pulled from a pool people not smart enough to work at Wal-Mart or McDonald’s. With the economy in the toilet and people staying at those jobs we have to branch out. Several amusement parks, notably Six Flags New England and Kentucky Kingdom, have just the kind of people we’re looking for.”

The official government term is “degree of sloth,” but in layman’s terms big brother is looking for slow, stupid people. Six Flags CEO Kieran Burke said he understands why the national government is turning to his employees. “When you need that unique combination of incompetence and slow-to-no movement one, with a healthy dollop of outright hostility, you’re hard-pressed to find anyone better than a Six Flags coaster crew. Our only concern is that they not forget some of our larger facilities like Magic Mountain. As we run everything at less than 50% capacity it is important to find new jobs for those ‘affected’ by cutbacks and government work is perfect for them.”

Steve Johansen, currently an X-ray specialist at Chicago’s O’Hare airport, spent a lot of time at some great training facilities. “Yup, I started out at Six Flags America, then moved to Busch Gardens’ Gwazi crew and ended up as Operations Director at Frontier City. I certainly know how to get things done quickly,” he laughed, with a small drop of drool slowly making its way down his chin.

There are many parallels between a career in parks and the TSA, such as low pay, long hours, irregular operating procedures and dealing with mullets on a regular basis, but the anti-literati take it all in stride. Standing under the TSA’s straight-out-of-the-Third-Reich logo of an eagle staring at nothing, Ridge proudly looked on at Washington’s Dulles airport. “Look at that line,” he exclaimed proudly, gesturing to a quarter-mile barely-moving line. “That’s what happens when you only hire the best.”

At that point Ridge excused himself to conduct a rectal exam.


Posted at 11:20 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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