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Friday, December 10, 2004
Dollywood Flat Ride Revealed
Word has rapidly spread throughout the enthusiast community that Dollywood would be adding new flat rides, but only ARN&R has the exclusive word on what one of the rides will be.
Based loosely on Epcot's TestTrack concept, Dolly herself has been heavily involved in planning their new "non-flat" flat ride, an innovative concept in 4-D renderings and taking make-up artistry to the next level. The ride concept is presently named "TestRack," though the park is reportedly considering other names, including "Melonriffic" and, perhaps least subtly, "Breasasaurus Rex."
According to sources, TestRack will be unveiled at the Grand Opening of the 2005 season, and will allow guests to experience for themselves what it's like for Dolly to carry her own specific weight distribution around daily.
Initially, there were concerns that Disney would sue. But after some tough negotiating with the lead mouse himself, Dolly and her supporters, er, lawyers have won over Mickey. Rumors suggest that a large block of cheese was delivered to the Magic Kingdom, but this reporter was unable to confirm or deny those claims. Nor was ARN&R able to confirm reports that Mickey was allowed an opportunity to roam free on the inspirations for the new ride.
In any event, the potential litigation is no longer on the horizon, and so we can confirm (assuming Interactive Rides isn't involved): Coming in '05 to the mountains of Tennessee....TestRack!
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
ARN&R willingly corrects factual errors, typographical mistakes, and any inaccuracies in our rumor reporting made on our website. If you think we have made an error in a story, and sincerely believe we give a shit, please email us promptly at email@example.com.
A recent ARN&R article described the new custom installation of a Vekoma Boomerang at Visionland. Numerous Southern readers indicated to us that they were insulted by our handling of this news. After intricately researching our information a second time, we are able to report that, indeed, we forgot to mention that, not only will the ride feature a porch and be put up on blocks, it will also feature several large hound dogs laying around on it. Additionally, the ride will feature a helpful banner detailing the proud history of the South. ARN&R regrets these omissions.
In another recent story, ARN&R broke the exciting news that the Voice of Kennywood would be creating the spoken role of General Grievous in the next Star Wars film. While we stand behind this information and the sources who reported it to us, we neglected to mention that "General Grievous" is one of the dumbest names a movie character has ever had. ARN&R apologizes for this error.
Finally, another ARN&R story suggested that ACE is full of morons who regularly piss off amusement parks with their loutish and rude behavior, unreasonable demands, and farting. This was just a typo. We regret the inconvenience.
Monday, December 06, 2004
Hey boys and girls, FMB spitting mad game as I share my IAAPA report with you. I had a great time this year as I big pimped at the Quality Inn, had some good eats at the Golden Corral and Western Sizzlin‚ buffets and got 50 rides on Hulk. Booyaa! Anyway, you industry types probably want to know what I found interesting on the show floor.
Premier Rides: Go-Karts and refurbishment, it was non-stop excitement here.
Intamin: Told to leave. Fuckers.
B&M: I made their trade show lackey my bitch and we talked about the B&M restraints for hours.
S&S: Stan handed out a lot of raw meat, but only if guests rode his new Screamin' Swing.
Pinfari: The size of their booth indicated that the mob is no longer financing their failures.
Vekoma: I hurt my head just walking by.
Zamperla: Disk'O - Guys, I rode this last year, bring me something new!
Gerstlauer: Learn how to speak our language, American.
Robocoaster: I am so glad they invest the time, money and effort to bring us concepts too impractical and expensive for anyone to buy.
ARM: Who knew a tower ride could be ghetto fab?
Sellner: I liked your new swing ride when Chance debuted it over 30 years ago.
Noble Romans, Dippin' Dots, Steak-Ums, Super Pretzel and Pepsi: The best booths on the floor!
Details on Visionland Boomerang Emerge
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.