Still here. But mostly in 140 characters.
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Friday, November 19, 2004
 
Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom to Offer Free Goats

In what amusement industry insiders say is an attempt to compete against rival park Holiday World, Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom announced today that it would be offering free goats to any of its paying customers. This is believed to be a first for an American amusement park.

"Everone likes to get something for free, especially if they're accustomed to paying for it when they should not have to," said a SFKK spokesman. "We always like to look out for what's best for our customers. At any other amusement park, if a patron forgot their goat, they would be stuck. But here we will provide the free goats."

The spokesman noted that customers could actually get unlimited goats, but only the small ones. The full size and special souvenir goats would still be the usual price.

Holiday World, which offers free drinks, parking, and suntan lotion, but not free goats, refused to comment to ARN&R on the matter.

--JCK

Posted at 11:33 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Wednesday, November 17, 2004
 
Be Politically Active



You might not quite be able to read that, but it says "Don't blame me, I voted for Raven."

You can get the fancy organic two-sided one here (the back says "Vote Raven/Legend in 2008") or the cheapo one-sided one here ($9.99 -- hey, that's less than $10, so long as you ignore shipping!).

These shirts will be the must-have items next year. Heck, we've already gotten orders from America's Next Top Model.

Though we think they might have bought them to use to tie off before shooting up.

Posted at 9:23 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Absolutely Reliable Expands Business Empire

At a press conference today, executives from Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors, the world's premiere source of completely factual amusement industry information, announced an exciting business venture designed to expand the influence of the company across the world.

First it was an actual contact email, then the immensely successful Online Shoppe. Following that came the Site O' the Weak, the Atom Feed, and information on how to boycott ARN&R. Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors has always pushed the envelope and added new sections to its flagship website. Yet it has never branched out into any other business ventures, ones that would use the well-respected ARN&R name but have nothing to do with amusement park news. That time has finally come.

"Pet sitting," said ARN&R's Editor in Chief, Grand Poobah, and Hillary Duff Fan Club Secretary. When reporters stared blankly at him, and one allowed a trickle of drool to dribble from the corner of his mouth onto his shirt, the Editor in Chief repeated himself:

"Pet sitting. It's a major emerging global market. For an hourly fee, our editors, writers, and possibly Jessica Alba will drive to people's houses, where they will feed, water, play with, and walk cats and dogs. And since the domain of absolutelyreliable.net was still available, it made it exceptionally easy to reach a large number of people who might need this service, all the while keeping that ever-important ARN&R branding in the forefront of their minds. Naturally, we want to keep people happy by keeping their pets happy, but we surely wouldn't mind if they 'accidentally' browsed over to the original ARN&R amusement industry news blog and purchased a Beast thong or a shirt informing other enthusiasts that their favorite coaster sucks."

The Editor in Chief did note that handing over the design of the site to a group of actual dogs had not produced an award-winning site, what with front page links going to pages that say things such as:

Enter text here about yourself, your company, club or organization. Write as much detailed information as you can.

Enter text here about any relevant education, training, employment, practice philosophies, etc.. You may even want to add some personal qualities or information enabling your web site visitors to gain further insight.


However, he did add that "it's only in the Beta stage, so we're certain that, despite initial startup issues, our pet home care service will prove to a major player in the world business community."

And ARN&R is not expected to stop with their expansion. If the pet sitting business should prove as profitable as posting free articles about roller coasters, the head honchos have promised further expansion. Although the site executives were tight-lipped when queried about this, it is known that they have been agressively bidding for ownership of the absolutelyreliable.gov, absolutelyreliable.edu, and absolutelyreliable.org domains, so it goes without saying that huge events in the realm of ARN&R will be unfolding in the very near future.

Any major announcements will naturally be covered, as they happen, in excrutiating detail here at the ARN&R Non-Pet-Sitting Corporate Division.

--JCK

Posted at 1:50 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Monday, November 15, 2004
 
We're Still Here

As many as two or three of our valued readers out there may have noticed that the updates have not been as fast and furious at ARN&R as usual. Fear not, friends. We have not abandoned you. Nor have we run out of story ideas, and we haven't spent the last week absentmindedly plucking at our scrotums while looking at pictures of Thunderhead. Not much, anyway. The main reason for the slower schedule has been the relocation of one of the editors to a new apartment, where the combination of lugging boxes and cleaning while also not missing any work has occupied pretty much every minute of his free time.

Also he had to set his fantasy football lineups.

But don't fret, little campers, your trusty co-editor is sort of moved in, and is ready to provide you with all the juiciest true facts about your favorite amusement parks in the upcoming days. Assuming he's in the mood, anyway. He can get pretty ornery.

And keep your eyes peeled for an upcoming major announcement from ARN&R regarding an exciting new business venture for the website. We promise you'll love it.

--JCK

Posted at 1:55 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.

Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."

Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.

Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.

We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.