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Friday, November 05, 2004
Paramount Official: "Actually, Combovers Do Make Our Decisions"
Late today a Paramount Parks insider, speaking on the condition of anonymity, revealed that, contrary to popular belief, most major corporate decisions are, in fact, made by the combovers of staff members and prominent guests.
Our exclusive source has revealed that not only was the decision to remove the Flying Eagles at Paramount's Kings Island influenced by long flaps of hair wiggling in the wind, but also the decisions to build Boomerang Bay at Paramount's Great America and Tomb Raider at Paramount Canada's Wonderland.
"We wanted to find something to help us make the most hideous decisions possible," our informant told us during a secret meeting at a top secret ARN&R branch news office located in Lebanon, Ohio. "The most disgusting fashion phenomenon since the ACE muumuu was clearly the perfect choice. Scientific research shows that guest feedback from our survey panel can be plotted directly onto a balding man's head, and the best decision to make will be the data points that remain covered during a particularly rough ride on PKD's Hypersonic XLC."
The controversial decision to move PKI's Flying Eagles was, apparently, made due to a question asked of the balding head of the webmaster of a popular roller coaster website.
"I understand that Cedar Fair is working on a similar system to make decisions at Cedar Point," our source went on to tell us. "Their system, though, relies on the elasticity of Dan Keller's suspenders. They're trying out the new system to determine which direction their new Huss Giant Frisbee should rotate. Oh, I wasn't supposed to tell you about that."
Nobody at Cedar Point was willing to comment, but Dan Keller's suspenders informed the ARN&R research team that Six Flags is also working on a similar system based upon where the bloody, mangled bodies tossed from Kingda Ka land. The Six Flags system is due to be implemented shortly after the first fatality on the new record-breaking ride, which is expected sometime the first week of May, 2005.
Kingda Ka may open in April, 2005.
--WCT (with special reporting by PD)
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Sweet, Sticky Dreams
Steve Hallinski had a problem. Well, to most people, he has several problems, but Hallinski doesn't consider "backne" or a penchant for Dirty Sanchezes things to take issue with. No, the recent trouble was that the ACEr didn't know how he would split his time at the "ACE Lost Weekend in Las Vegas." The issue was simple: Hallinski loves to ride coasters (he owns a "We Ride All Year Shirt" despite not being a member of the Florida Coaster Club), but he also likes to eat.
"The buffets call to me like sweet sirens of love," the fat man sighed. "I didn't know how I would be able to ride without them." Fortunately for members like Hallinski, ACE created a new solution just in time for the event.
"We call it the ACE Feedbag," said ACE Queen of Thunder Carole Sanderson. "They are cute and personalized. You can sew patches on, put your Disney pin collection on the side or even give it a mullet. I call mine Mr. Twinkles."
When the big day in Vegas came Hallinski was ready. At seven in the morning he had Cocoa Puffs and milk strapped into the bag while rolling back and forth on the Stratosphere's X-Scream attraction. The plump enthusiast had chosen to decorate his feedbag with patches of Kennyood's Phantom's Revenge because the logo was just "that f*cking cool." When talking about the Vegas event, Hallinski said the following with reverence: "There is nothing like looking out over the Vegas strip as sweet chocolaty goodness sloshes around in your mouth." Wiping back a tear he continued, "It is a beautiful thing, I owe Jesus one."
Monday, November 01, 2004
Welcome to Hell
Just in case you didn't get a good enough scare on Halloween this year, we strongly urge you to visit our Site O' the Weak, Boils the Clown's Fun House. Be sure to crank the volume and sit through the entirety of the perhaps most garish, Flash-crazed, obnoxious intro ever devised for a website. And then, if you haven't suffered a violent seizure, have a gander at the main page...if there were a monetary prize awarded for having the most annoying flashing gizmos, unnecessary sounds, animated cursors, and eye-searing color combinations, Boils would not only win hands down, but would likely have the award named after him, as well. And don't forget to waste a few precious moments of your life playing the site's games and riding its rides, all of which suck worse than you could possibly imagine.
Incidentally, studies have shown that viewing Boils the Clown's Fun House directly can actually cause retinal scarring, so we have found that it is best to treat the site as one would a solar eclipse...view it only indirectly, using incredibly expensive NASA-approved Mylar or aluminum-coasted safety goggles, or, as a cheaper alternative, projecting the images through a pinhole onto a sheet of paper.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.