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Friday, October 15, 2004
Back to the Future
We noticed today that Six Flags has blamed the weather for bad performance for roughly the 453rd time, and it brought us back, over two years ago, to when Paramount blamed a really good run of Rockford Files episodes on TV Land for its lowered quarterly results.
So step into the ARN&R time machine and enjoy...
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Monkeys Carry Out Retribution
The scene was startling as coaster enthusiast Meredith Maxwell, 32, was recently chased about by angry monkeys at Lake Bobo Zoo in Tennessee. After the agile apes pursued Maxwell for several minutes, they caught up to her, hopped on her shoulders, hooted loudly, bared their teeth, and demanded a "full apology for Maxwell's insulting and degrading comments."
Monkeys Launch Their Surprise Attack
Apparently the Tennessee monkeys were attempting to enact vengeance for comments Maxwell made about their "simian brethren" at Busch Gardens Tampa three years ago. At a visit to BGT with her then-boyfriend, Maxwell allegedly noticed that the baboons in the Edge of Africa exhibit were busily picking nits from each other's back.
"Baby, look! Those monkeys are felching!" she reportedly told the stunned boyfriend, who promptly fell onto the park's pavement, laughing hysterically. To the boyfriend's delight, Maxwell continued to loudly insist that "felching" meant "picking nits," stunning both nearby park visitors and the baboons themselves.
The BGT baboons reportedly have never recovered from what they describe as Maxwell's "cruel and crude assumptions about the level of perversity involved in our sexual relationships." They further claim that "her accusations about the type of sexual practices we have was of course incorrect, but many park patrons continue to think we are deviants due solely to this woman's thinking 'felch' meant something besides what it actually means."
After being held hostage for several minutes, Maxwell arranged for her release by signing an apology for her accidentally harmful comments about the BGT baboons, and by providing a cookie to each of the Lake Bobo monkeys.
Human's Peace Overture to Monkey Accepted, Diffusing Situation
Zoo officials report that the monkeys would be sent to bed without their bananas for three straight nights as punishment for attacking a zoo guest.
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
ARN&R Writers Too Busy Having Actual Lives to Report on Everything
Recently, a mentally deranged coaster enthusiast accused ARN&R of failing to report on a number of topics of interest to him:
These guys claim to be reliable but can't even pick up on recent park news.
Who are we to believe anymore?
PKI Flyer Removal and the campaign to save it.
These guys suck, Boycott them.
Naturally, we take this kind of criticism very, very, very seriously. Of course, we apologize that paying attention to world events, maintaining healthy relationships with our families and friends, engaging in romantic activities with other people instead of our fists, and having jobs doesn't always enable us to keep on top of pressing and extremely important events in the world of amusement parks in our spare time.
However, we might as well address the specific topics Coasterfanatic claims we haven't reported on, as his tragic Flyer-less future has apparently made him even more delusional than usual.
PKI Flyer Removal and Useless Campaign to Save It: Check out the current headlines. You've been insulted already.
HW Additions: Um. Here it is.
PPP: Um. Right here.
Xanadu: Well, it's true that we haven't mentioned the stupid thing that will never actually be built in the Meadowlands. But one cannot dispute that we did extensively discuss Xanadu recently.
IAAPA: It's in November, at least the last time we checked.
Tsunami: Ooooh. We missed it. Call Mayor McCheese. Tsunami was amazingly rough and gave us a big headache. Sorry we didn't get around to reporting that scrumptious and amusing tidbit!
Coasterfanatic failed to mention that we also haven't been writing much lately about freakish enthusiasts falling into the PKI reflecting pool while fighting over who snaps their flyers better, but rest assured we'll get on it right away, too.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
Exclusive PPP Coverage
Just in time for you to use it at your corporate board meetings, our exclusive PPP PowerPoint presentation is available here.
Monday, October 11, 2004
We've received dozens of irate letters from people upset that our extensive and exclusive coverage of the Six Flags Great Adventure Fright Fest neglected to even so much as mention one of the main attractions. Circus Psycho, where the "Boardwalk section will be filled with carnival chaos, psycho freaks and demented clowns lurking around every corner," was not discussed in the article due to the fact that the situation described above is absolutely no different from what is seen in SFGRAD's Boardwalk section on any normal operating day. It was our intention to describe new attractions opened specifically for Fright Fest, not shill for a cheap renaming done in a blatant attempt to capitalize on the freakish and horrifying appearance of the park's clientele. Nevertheless, we apologize for the confusion this omission caused.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.