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Saturday, October 02, 2004
Fox News: Kerry "Really Likes Sky Princess, Scared of Hypers"
Following up on their amusing -- if completely fictional -- story suggesting that John Kerry declared himself a good candidate because, among other things, he gives manicures, Fox News also reported yesterday that Kerry is a "huge fan" of Sky Princess at Dutch Wonderland and that he is "pants-wettingly scared" of hypercoasters.
"In a speech given yesterday in central Pennsylvania, Kerry told the crowd that 'Sky Princess' at nearby Dutch Wonderland is as big a coaster as he can handle. He also stepped out from behind the podium and wet himself just thinking about riding Phantom's Revenge at Kennywood," wrote Fox's Carl "Honest, I'm Fair And Balanced Even Though I'm Parroting Republican Talking Points" Cameron. "Kerry then put on eyeliner and danced in a tutu before proposing to John Edwards," the story concluded.
Fox later retracted the story, reporting that Cameron "just got all fatigued again" and that "this time we told him it was a really bad thing." The Kerry campaign whimpered and accepted the apology.
Friday, October 01, 2004
Kingda Ka Name Removed From Six Flags Great Adventure Attraction
Following the storm of protest from various groups upset over the name of Six Flags Great Adventure's new roller coaster, the park has announced that the moniker "Kingda Ka" has been entirely eliminated from the ride. At an emergency meeting this morning, Six Flags Great Adventure and Six Flags corporate officials met to determine that the original name of the ride had proved unacceptable, as well as to discuss alternatives for renaming the record-setting one-trick pony. Following the meeting, Six Flags Great Adventure rep Joseph Stallworth gave ARN&R an exclusive interview detailing what had gone on behind closed doors.
"Naturally, the most important person from whom we desired input was that grubby little infant who came up with the original name of the ride," said Stallworth. "He just screamed and explosively soiled himself, which originally worried us since it seemed like that wasn't getting us anywhere. But then we remembered that if you do a Google search for "Kingda Ka" it asks you "Did you mean: king ka ka?" We combined that concept with the concept of the infant filling his pants with excrement, and decided to just go with King Caca, the world's first shit-themed launched ride. Man, that drooling baby is a serious genius!"
However, King Caca turned out to be a problematic name. "Basically, we all thought the name and theme of the ride were great, and certainly wouldn't tick anyone off," said Stallworth. "But financial nixed that one because they felt the cost of reworking the plumbing to produce three-hundred-foot jets of butt gravy would make the project too expensive. I told them that we could move the bathrooms right under the coaster, since we already regularly see substantial geysers of human waste spouting out of them and all over the floor, but they wouldn't budge."
"Once the Caca theme went out the window, we started to brainstorm again," said Stallworth. "I suggested King D' C*ck, which I thought was pretty clever since it would both play up the giant phallus appearance of the ride and also have no chance whatsoever of offending anyone. But that one was narrowly defeated, much to my disappointment."
"Finally," he said, "we had some discussions about calling the coaster Kunta Kente. But we weren't sure quite how to create an exciting themed experience that ties in to Roots, and we were also pretty sure that Geordi LaForge guy would cost us too much. After all, we'll have to keep about six hundred maintenance people on staff to handle this coaster breaking down every three minutes and flinging shards of metal around at 125 miles per hour, so we do have to pinch the occasional penny when it comes to incorporating star talent into our themed attractions."
"Oh yeah, and someone brought up calling it The Banshee, but I think there's some coaster already using that," he added. "So I guess that's probably out."
Although Six Flags has thus far failed to come up with a new name for the ride, Stallworth noted that there would be another round of meetings tonight, and that the park hoped to announce an exciting new title for the Coaster Formerly Known As Kingda Ka either tonight or tomorrow.
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Relentless Protests Greet Kingda Ka Announcement
According to Six Flags Great Adventure representatives, all they wanted for next season was to open a blatant copy of another ride that works about ten percent of the time, except make it a little higher and give it shoulder restraints to make it excrutiatingly painful. They thought they had found that with Intamin's Kingda Ka, but SFGRAD has been deluged with a monumental storm of protest over the ride's name.
"It's bad enough that all these stupid coaster enthusiasts are already bitching that our new coaster will cause foot-deep bruises in their collarbones," said park rep Joseph Stallworth. "Now we're getting all sorts of other complaints just about the name of the ride!"
Among the protestors are various religious and cultural groups. Hindus have made known their displeasure with the inclusion of the word "Ka" in the ride's name, as "Ka," aside from being a word one can use to describe what cannot be properly described or expressed, is also the name of the Hindu god Brahma in one of his forms.
"They also complained that the only restaurant we planned to have open anywhere near the ride was our new Hindu-themed beef-on-a-stick place," Stallworth added. "What's up with that?"
Ancient Egyptians have also stepped forward to announce their disapproval. "The ka is a spirit double inside each person from the time they are born," said noteworthy former pharaoh Maatkara Hatshepsut. "Gods could possess them and offerings were made to them after the death of their host bodies. An amusement park that cheapens the meaning of the term 'ka' is just asking for a deadly curse. Don't f*** with the pharaoh, bitches."
Additionally, a group called the Dayton Area Korean Association (DAKA) sent several members to complain that Six Flags had stolen the name of their organization's leader. "I don't know about that one," said Stallworth. "I strongly doubt that an elected office-holder for a small organization is known as 'King' DAKA to anyone. 'President' or 'Chairman' or 'Bob' all seem more likely."
DAKA noted that it would continue to feature a webpage with an irritating pink "Welcome" traveling cursor until their message was heard by Six Flags officials.
Finally, Jiangyan City Kingda Co., Ltd. sent a letter informing Six Flags of its intention to file suit over a trademark infringement on its name. In a statement clearly drawn up by the Kingda Company's employee responsible for creating its online advertisement (featuring such information as "[o]ur factory is product needle roller bearings series, our quatity control system is is o9002. We coprate with college and technologic unit, well equipped with superior production equipment, perfect checkup and testing method."), Kingda Company notes that "Sex Flug useing are nem ill eagley we willtak yo to curt unit!"
Stallworth admitted that officials from both Six Flags, Inc., as well as from Great Adventure itself, would be holding emergency discussions about Kingda Ka and the protests early tomorrow morning. Although Stallworth refused to comment directly on the matter to ARN&R , there has been some speculation that the park will seek to stave off the massive wave of bad publicity and possible legal action by changing the name of the ride, in spite of any costs this might incur. Please stay tuned to ARN&R, as we will report on any further breaking Kingda Ka news as it develops.
10 Month-Old Consultant Impresses Six Flags Board
In his tapioca-stained Elmo underoos, Chance Dixon, Jr. could pass for any other toddler. But when he crawls into the Six Flags boardroom...things are a little different.
Dixon’s capital expenditure choices continue to create waves. Widely credited for inspiring Hurricane Harbor by drooling on a Great America brochure, he seems to top himself with every move.
“Kingda Ka was the perfect name for our latest coaster!” raved Kieran Burke, pausing to check the tape on his own adult-sized diaper. “And the family attractions BlaLaLaa, Pfffffffft and Uh-oh Poopy will be sure-fire smash hits as well.”
“Hell, we don’t even know what rides they’ll be yet,” he continued, spoon-scraping strained peas from his own lower lip back into his mouth. “But we’ll toss a few manufacturer’s catalogs in front of him and uh, let the oddly moist Cheerios fall where they may.”
“Ooh!” continued Burke after grunting heavily. “I made a solid one this time!”
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
Enthusiast Suffers Nervous Breakdown
Jim Taney, an enthusiast for several years, was arrested and committed today after not being able to withstand the pressure of choosing between incessantly playing a half-functional demo of the newest version of Roller Coaster Tycoon and constantly refreshing the homepage of Six Flags Great Adventure to find out the speed and height of their newest coaster, announced today.
While Taney has already ridden Cedar Point's Top Thrill Dragster, a near-clone of the new ride, 223 times, family members recalled him frequently calculating track lengths required for various heights and speeds of rocket coasters, as well as writing and crossing out 420 repeatedly. Police found no evidence of drugs in Taney's possession.
"He kept muttering something about a track length not being long enough, and something about the end of the world if Six Flags takes Cedar Point's record," said Taney's brother, the star quarterback at the local high school. I really didn't understand any of it, or care. It's been sunny and 70 degrees for five days straight. I've been outside. I try to stay away from my brother as much as possible."
When the half-functional demo of Roller Coaster Tycoon 3 was released on Monday, Taney reportedly blew off work at Burger King, his mother's birthday and his first date in five years to play the game. On Wednesday morning at approximately 5:00 a.m., he was seen running around his neighborhood in underwear and a cape screaming "420! 3D! 450! Atari! 120! 140! I
don't know!" Police were able to catch up with Taney easily as his three-hundred pound frame was jammed in the gate of his neighbor's fence.
Taney's only written statement was destroyed by spilled gravy, his only request once incarcerated and calmed down.
Monday, September 27, 2004
Pinfari Begins New Ad Campaign
Inspired by the widely adored and supremely clever Coors "Cold Hard Facts" advertising blitz, roller coaster company Pinfari has begun a new campaign touting the frostiness of their company's products.
"Other companies heat pasteurize their kiddie coasters," bellows one ad. "But Pinfari frost brews their Big Apple ride at five degrees Kelvin to lock in whimsy and fun."
"Most companies ship their coasters in a warm truck or train," yells another. "But Pinfari refrigerates its trains and trucks to keep your RC-50 cold. Pinfari! The coolest coasters around."
"Much as Coors touts its supreme frostiness rather than its putrid, skunky taste and urine-like smell, Pinfari is seeking to highlight unusual and unimportant aspects of its coaster distribution process," noted one representative from Bolliger & Mabillard. "No one cares if Abita Turbodog, Newcastle, or Guinness are frost brewed because they don't taste like muskrat spraint. Similarly, no one cared whether Hulk was shipped in a giant tanker coated in ice. Real coaster companies don't need to come up with stupid gimmicks to push their product."
Six Flags Magic Mountain Reveals X-Treme Ride Update
Los Angeles, CA: "It's the Russian Roulette of thrill rides!" say the promotional materials sent to the media.
The X-Treme X-perience of Thrill Shot at Six Flags Magic Mountain is about to get scarier. In an effort to attract more hardcore thrill seekers, the ride is being re-designed and will be launched in January 2005 as "Kill Shot."
"Plummeting downwards toward earth made you think you were going to hit the ground," said a Six Flags PR person at an exclusive press conference. "But in the back of riders' minds, they knew they were safe. What kind of extreme ride experience is that? With the addition of the fifth "death cycle" there is now a one-in-five chance that people will actually hit the ground and die." At the end of the press conference, none of the attending media wished to ride the new cycle.
Said the PR staffer, "You guys are a bunch of pussies."
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