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Friday, August 27, 2004
Team USA Loses Focus, Loses Game
It was a dark day for American basketball fans as they watched their beloved Dream Team lose a semifinal Olympic match-up to the Argentine national team and lose all hope for gold. There has been much speculation in this tournament as to the nature of USA Basketball's struggles: Players that are no longer hungry for Olympic victory, a world catching up in skill level to match our own NBA greats, a gap between coaches and players that even Larry Brown could not overcome, and finally, the announcement of the 2004 Golden Ticket Awards.
In an exclusive post-game interview, ACE Regional Rep and Dream Team co-captain Allen Iverson (aka Coasterbuzz member BeastRida) had this to say: "Man, I don't know. I tried to stay in the game, but how could I stay focused when I know the Beast is goin' up against the Raven for number one? I mean, me and the Beast have been down since day one. That's my dawg. You knowhaimsayn'? It's war out there at Amusement Today. Just like it is out here on the court. Beast is a true soldier. And that just takes a lot outta you, man, when you hear that some New Jack like Thunderhead comes along and steals the Beast's shine like that. You know how much ERT the Beast pulls every year? C'mon, man."
A surprisingly sympathetic coach Brown offered some insight to his players' emotional state: "I could sit here and talk about lack of effort, lack of team chemistry, or lack of practice, but that's not it at all. Who would I be kidding? You can't imagine what it's like for a guy like Steph (Stephon Marbury, Team USA's starting point guard, aka Coneyfreak311 on Thrillnetwork) to grow up in Brooklyn and not see the Cyclone crack the top ten. How can I expect one hundred percent from a guy who just got that news? Really. And poor Timmy (Tim Duncan, aka Eelmaster from URC). He was just devastated by Steel Eel's performance. It totally took him out of his game. We all know that mid course break is on pretty hard, but these voters need to give us a call every once in a while. It's easier to get calls in Staples against the Lakers."
When asked for comment, Marbury had this to say: "What does Manu Ginobili know about a Golden Ticket? Do they even have a wood coaster in Argentina? Hell, no."
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Meet Up With Other Tools
It's not every day that you get a chance to rip into someone who advertises on certain coaster-related sites. But this rare and special opportunity comes to us by way of an ad that frequently appears on hypothetical coaster sites that use Google ads. Please have a look at our new Site O' the Weak, Roller Coasters Meetup, or, better yet, go visit them by clicking on any ad you happen to see for the meetup. In this way, you can support Google ad-supported sites while providing the valuable public service of helping others point and laugh at a really dorky website. Everyone wins!
If you're having trouble finding other coaster tools (which is surprising, since they always manage to find you and follow you around at any park you go to anyway), be sure to check out the list of members. Sadly, there are no photo pages yet. But don't forget to use those messageboards! If you didn't feel like those exciting conversations about deep-fry batter or which ride op you most enjoy pissing off by poaching seats and demanding rerides were fully explored at your last Coaster Meetup, then you can waste even more time posting follow-up comments.
Congratulations, Roller Coasters Meetup! May you long continue to earn money for entirely hypothetical coaster sites while we make fun of you.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
The New Fashion Season Arrives
Yes, that's right, ARN&R has new t-shirts. Share your considered and expert views with the world!
Not willing to go that far? How about this?
Order now and the drones at Cafe Press will presumably get them to you in plenty of time for PPP, CoasterMania, and so on. No promises as to whether these shirts comply with park policies, of course, but if that prick we saw a few weeks ago was allowed to wear a Confederate flag shirt at SFNE, we sure think this should be allowed in.
And there's still more, all over at Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe.
Ridge Fails to Amend Patriot Act to Ban Flyer-Snapping
Elysburg, PA: The latest attempt to curb the freedom of American Coaster and Flat Ride Enthusiasts has been successfully thwarted. Title X, Sec. 1017 of the Patriot Act, by which no sails could be legally whipped, was voted down by the House of Representatives after a massive grass roots protest started by the online enthusiast community.
Tom Ridge, Director of Homeland Security and former Governor of Pennsylvania, introduced the amendment after witnessing enthusiasts breaking the beloved flyers at Knoebel’s Groves in October 2003. "It is un-American to want to desecrate this symbol of freedom," said Ridge on C-SPAN23. "I will not sleep until the Patriot Act can protect these fragile instruments of our patriotism. Indeed, if enthusiasts are permitted to snap, then the terrorists will have won."
But Ridge was premature in his confidence that the amendment was a shoo-in, since early warning signs that the flyers would soon become un-snappable created a groundswell of heartfelt if sort of stupid enthusiast internet activity. CoasterBuzz, Thrillnetwork, ACEOnline, and Shoewee banded together to spread the word, and enthusiasts quickly began to Google, then e-mail, their Representatives to oppose this amendment, resulting in dozens of confused House staffers asking each other just what the hell these freaks are complaining about.
Our latest reports from the field indicate that the wings of the flyers have not been clipped as of yet. There has been no comment from the Office of Homeland Security since the amendment was rejected.
And one to grow on: Folks, to learn more about the Patriot Act and how it is affecting you as a US Citizen, visit the American Library Association.
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Enthusiast Not Nearly as Pathetic as Friends Tell Him
Coaster Enthusiast Chi Williams, 32, recently discovered that he is not nearly as pathetic as everyone tells him. Though his obsession with roller coasters has prevented him from learning how interact with others, engage in basic human sanitation, or avoid wearing his shorts pulled up past his nipples, Williams recently uncovered encouraging online evidence that there are many people who are far more pitiful and prone to receiving wedgies.
"Despite inability to converse about anything besides coasters, my sharing useless opinions about coasters with strangers in line who are trying to avoid me, and my nine hours per day spent posting to coaster message boards, I am amazingly attractive and cool," said Williams. "Relatively speaking, anyway."
Williams first directed ARN&R to a website for chain mail fetishists. "It's hard for me to believe my friends think I'm so lame when you look at Lord Randolph's Bristol Renaissance Festival pictorial. I look like Brad Pitt compared to those people! And I may never be able to have sex again...well, ever...after seeing the picture of the guy in the chain mail groin shroud."
"Those people are really stupid, too," noted the enthusiast. "Why are they calling it a Renaissance Festival and wearing armor? That should only be in a Medieval festival. They're in the wrong damn time period."
Williams then suddenly realized the room had gotten very quiet, and he nervously coughed.
"Anyway, there are even more ridiculous people out there than mere coaster enthusiasts," he continued. "Like, have you ever seen the people at Balticon? Man, I especially love the Manic Depressive, the Purple Wench, and the Operatic Courtesan. I don't even know what the hell this conference was, but I'm sure glad I blundered across its website so I can prove to everyone I know just how little of a tool I actually am!"
Finally, Williams proved once and for all that his utter fascination with coasters did not mark him as the most pathetic person in the world, as he called up the website for Knight Con 2004, a massive convention to celebrate all things Knight Rider. As the befuddled ARN&R staff perused the Knight Con's astounding list of activities, including a Miss Knight Contest, a Michael Knight Lookalike Contest, Knight Rider Star Autograph Sessions, Knight Rider Fanfic Awards, and, presumably, a chance to rub scented oils and unguents into David Hasselhoff's back hair, Williams contentedly smiled and pushed his duct taped-glass back into position.
Williams's friends are currently reviewing the evidence to determine if they are willing to alter their stance that Williams is the world's most complete dork.
--JCK (with research by FMB and the Grand Poobah)
Swift Boat Veterans Also Pretty Sure SFMM Is Cheating On Coaster Count
Adding to their controversial claims regarding John Kerry's service in Vietnam, "non-partisan" group Swift Boat Veterans for Truth today denounced Six Flags Magic Mountain for fraudulently inflating its coaster count. Specifically, the veterans' group contends that Superman: The Escape should not be counted as a roller coaster in the park's efforts to claim records.
"I know Six Flags is claiming Superman as a coaster, because I was there," says Jerome Corsi of the group in an advertisement being shown in swing states. "I was there on vacation. Last year. And that's no coaster."
Roy Hoffman, another member, declared, "Six Flags Magic Mountain is not fit to be a flagship park in this coaster chain, because it's lying about Superman. I was there, I saw it, and it doesn't do anything besides going up and then down again. Total one-trick pony. Plus, Flashback never runs so you shouldn't count that."
"Taer it down," he added in a written statement.
Sunday, August 22, 2004
Steeplechase Coaster Undergoes Makeover
Blackpool Pleasure Beach announced today that it will be giving a temporary makeover to its Steeplechase roller coaster, as the park seeks to capitalize on the Olympic spirit sweeping the planet during the current Athens Games. The revamp of the ride will only be for the remainder of the current season.
Currently, passengers at Blackpool ride "bareback" on individual horse-themed cars that provide a surprisingly peppy ride. But the temporary retheming will provide riders with a vastly different experience from the current brisk three-track racer. Indeed, the Steeplechase will now be called Equestrian Challenge: Xtreme Dressage.
After mounting their horses, riders will be treated to an exciting experience where they must make their "horse" dance gaily about and gallivant back and forth in markedly silly and unathletic fashion. The riders, say park reps, will definitely not need to worry about breaking a sweat, but those whose ride vehicles make the most prissy maneuvers on the course will receive medals.
Park reps also note that the Steeplechase ride will come to a complete stop midway through the ride. At this point NBC beach volleyball commentator Karch Kiraly will appear in person to reprise his astonishing Olympic comments such as "she loves to gobble those balls up" and "usually you can't go down like that, but the Czechs are slow."
Blackpool officials refused to comment on what the reasoning behind Kiraly's surrealistic presence on Xtreme Dressage could possibly be.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
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