Still here. But mostly in 140 characters.
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Friday, June 25, 2004
 
Occasional Lapses In Absolutely Reliable Coverage in Days to Come

We're relocating world headquarters of ARN&R in the coming weeks, so we'll be (more) inconsistent than usual about posting. Don't you worry your pretty little collective head, though, it's a temporary thing. Promise.

Posted at 8:21 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Wednesday, June 23, 2004
 
Coming Next: USOC to be Petitioned to Recognize Lazer Tag as Olympic Sport

One of our legion of spies has been thoughtful enough to forward us a link to a website so pathetic, it jumped over about twelve other deserving candidates already waiting in line to be acknowledged as the ARN&R Site o' the Weak. Apparently, a few people have come up with the really incredible idea that Dance Dance Revolution, the obnoxious game featured in arcades, home game systems, and almost ubiquitously in amusement parks, should be an Olympic sport.

Judging from the number of enthusiastic, legible, and thought-provoking signatures already placed on the petition, we are quite certain the U.S. Olympic Committee will, unfortunately, be seriously considering making DDR a sport at the 2008 Olympic Games.

At ARN&R, we have already made it quite clear that, not only do we not support DDR becoming an Olympic sport, we would actually prefer to see the game banned entirely. If the federal government is really going to target Howard Stern for obscenity offenses, then it seems only fair that they protect the poor, innocent children from the possiblity of seeing gruesome, pasty mounds of coaster enthusiast flab gyrating off-tempo to terrible music at their local theme park.

--JCK

Posted at 2:17 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Tuesday, June 22, 2004
 
New Homoerotic Lord of the Rings Simulator Hits the Market

The Wacky Funtime Rides Corporation has just released a Lord of the Rings-themed simulator. Touted for the high level of thrills it provides within its very small footprint, the film takes riders on an epic journey through Middle Earth.

The unusual twist to this particular ride is that it is the first overtly gay-friendly attraction based on a major movie franchise. Passengers pay a fee for the ride, and are then allowed to select from a large array of possible homoerotic scenes they wish to experience. Due to the large number of man-love scenarios available to passengers, there should be nearly an infinite number of possible different ride experiences, say company reps.

Much like the rollercoaster-themed small simulators that began appearing a number of years back, the LOTR-themed rides feature a cabin with room for two passengers. Three different scenes demonstrating Middle Earth-dwellers in hot man-on-man, or Hobbit-on-Hobbit, or Elf-on-Orc, action are selected by the riders; a film based on the three scenes is shown in 3D while the cabin rotates along with it.

"We've had a limited release in the past week to test the market for this type of attraction," said one Wacky Fun representative, appearing at a trial run for the new ride at a Jackson, Mississippi mall. "For instance, we've had amazing success testing the ride out in places like Dollywood, Visionland, and Six Flags Over Texas. We expect hundreds of these babies to be shipping to malls, fun centers, and other amusement parks within the next couple months."

The rep noted that the three most popular scenes being chosen thus far were Sam and Frodo: Distraction, Boromir/Pippin, and Legolas+Gimli, but that Hobbits was rapidly coming from behind.

Those who rode the new attraction at the Wacky Fun demonstration in Jackson certainly seemed pleased. One particularly excited young man, leaping out of the pod after his completed ride, even cried out "this ride is totally gay!"

--JCK

Posted at 2:30 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Monday, June 21, 2004
 
Every Month is National Masturbation Month, Says Coaster Zombie

For the past nine years, the Good Vibrations group has began celebrating May as National Masturbation Month. Upon discovering this fact, however, one member of the Coaster Zombies stands defiant against any one month being singled out to glorify the joys of self-pleasure.

"I protest this decision by anyone to celebrate the art of bologna bopping for only one twelfth of the entire year!" said Zombie Jack Meoff, 41. "Any self-respecting coaster enthusiast would tell you that he likes to jack it at least five or six times a day, maybe even more if their mom is out shopping while VH1's 100 Hottest Hotties is on. These Good Vibrations jerk-offs can claim May is when we're supposed to be Jocelyn Eldering ourselves, but they can't stop me from buttering my corn whenever I feel like it, whether it's June, July, or even February!"

"For a coaster enthusiast, every month is National Masturbation Month," he added, slipping his belt off.

--JCK

Posted at 12:26 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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