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Friday, June 18, 2004
Horny Enthusiasts Flock to Girl's Rescue
According to sources close to ARN&R, approximately six trillion horny coaster enthusiasts (as well as approximately 19 googleplex other horny guys with no life who don't happen to be coaster enthusiasts) have discovered an online personal ad for a girl who appears to like roller coasters, but is incapable of correctly spelling the word "roller coaster." Experts report that a remarkable increase in worldwide bedsheet-staining can largely be traced to enthusiasts fondling themselves while imagining themselves swooping in and rescuing the young lass from her troubles by providing the correct spelling of the word, thereby earning her love and adulation forever, and presumably then getting to bone her a lot.
"I know I haven't seen a picture of SweetKylie19," said enthusiast Bob Fowler, 50, after he finished pleasuting himself for the fourth time in one hour thinking of the proper way to win the young lady's affection by informing her that she had spelled his favorite type of ride wrong. "But if she likes coasters, I'm sure she's a babe. That's why I'm going to register for this site she's on called 'So Would You Do Me,' and then I can be one of several billion horny bastards who can write in to tell her whether they would enjoy porking her or not, give her a rating, and of course tell her that I'm happy to meet her in person and coach her on the proper way to spell certain amusement park rides. I know she'll want me after that. Who doesn't want to meet a sexy coaster enthusiast?"
"I'm certainly turned on by this chick," noted ACE member Fred Schnauserkins, 46. "Okay, sure, I know she says she hates pop princesses yet calls Avril Lavigne her 'idol,' and then she says she doesn't drink and follows that up by saying she drinks socially, but she needs someone to 'sweet her off her feet,' so she obviously means me. And I've been waiting for a girl who says she enjoys roller coasters, even if she calls them 'rollor coasters.' In fact, it's better that she likes them but can't figure out how to spell them right. That way, I know I can be the teacher and she can be the padawan. Actually, I think most women would prefer it that way, since I know so much. There is much they can learn from me."
ARN&R was unable to ascertain whether all of the members of SWYDM were actually coaster enthusiasts or whether some were just big fat losers who have low enough self-esteem that they have to post their picture online and have complete strangers reassure them that they would be worth screwing.
KKK Members Protest Gay Days by Publicly F*cking Animals
Following a completely unsuccessful attempt, through on-site protest, to intimidate homosexuals into not attending the unofficial Gay Day at Dollywood park a few weeks back, the Ku Klux Klan is trying a new strategy in its quest to promote hatred and violence: f*cking barnyard animals.
"Whoo-weee!" shouted lifelong KKK member Billy Joe Pigsqueal, 38, as he sodomized a hapless goat outside of Six Flags Over Georgia, where the group was protesting a Gay Day being held at that park. "Take that! That'll show you homos we don' need yer kind at amusement parks!"
Pigsqueal was unable to inform ARN&R why, precisely, a bunch of inbred assholes giving some rough love to chickens and cows would have any effect on whether anyone decided to visit an amusement park.
"We're gonna keep on f*ckin' us some goats and pigs until the queers stop havin' their sinful Gay Days," noted Joe Don Bob “Strom” Thurmond, 95, a seventy-year KKK member famous for suing the makers of Deliverance for portraying him in an unfavorable light during the "Dueling Banjos" scene in that film. "We'll be protestin' just like this at every park that lets these homos in."
Thurmond was in the midst of a predictably idiotic rant about how white people are an oppressed minority in the US, when he was surprisingly thrown to the ground and raped by an angry steer that had broken loose from its holding pen. Despite this setback, the surviving hate club members assure ARN&R that they will continue having passionate sex with fowl and hogs until the world recognizes the supremacy of the Aryan race and/or gays stop going to theme parks.
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Nickelback Dumped From Rock 'n' Roller Coaster Retheme
In stunning news that shook both the pop music and amusement industries, the widely-beloved and influential band Nickelback was unceremoniously dumped from a planned revamp of the Rock 'n' Roller Coaster at Disney/MGM Studios Theme Park, due to an embarrassing scandal that has come to light recently.
The Rock 'n' Roller Coaster was a huge hit when it first opened, as the combination of a smooth, exciting roller coaster with great Aerosmith theming and onboard sound had excited park-goers getting back in line over and over. But, for the past year, the ride has seemed star-crossed. First, in April of 2003, the Aerosmith theme of the ride was replaced with one featuring obscure, widely disliked mid-twentieth-century classical composers. The stunning failure of this version of the Rock 'n' Roller led to yet another new version that featured the hard-rocking hits of Debbie Boone, Kenny G, and Michael Bolton. This version was even more unpopular with guests.
The Studios had been planning a more thorough reworking of the ride to reflect a more unique and original side of current pop music, and the announcement that Nickelback would be involved with the project had fans ecstatic. The ride was slated to be closed from late this September until November, when a new onboard soundtrack featuring popular hits such as "Too Bad" and "How You Remind Me" would debut. The band members would also film a new opening segment to be shown in the preshow area, although lead singer Chad Kroeger, described by Disney representatives as "more radio friendly than video friendly" and "moderately fugly," would only appear off screen.
That was before the Nickelback Scandal broke. When The Webshite published an audio file proving that "How You Remind Me" and "Someday" are exactly the same stupid song, Disney swiftly decided to drop its relationship with Nickelback, choosing to take the monetary losses associated with the termination of the contract rather than risk being heartily mocked alongside the beleaguered band.
A Disney rep who spoke on condition of anonymity indicated that, after the Nickelback scandal broke, the park had engaged in preliminary talks with David Hasselhoff in the hopes that he would lend his glorious voice and chest hair to the attraction's revamp, but talks were broken off after Hasselhoff's DUI arrest later the same day.
The Disney rep further stated that Disney still intended to move forward with the revamp, but to go about it in a different way: by soliciting the opinions of music experts at Theme Park Critic.
"These guys really know what they're talking about," said the rep. "We can glean so much from them, and then come up with a fruitful ride experience that everyone will enjoy. For instance, we certainly want to take advice both from people who confuse Jimmy Page with Ted Nugent, as well as those who think the best thing about Led Zeppelin was the 15 minute drum solos. And also those who offer for people to play their skin flutes, and those who think Canada is across the ocean somewhere. Oh, and we especially wish to draw from the talented minds who came up with the Favorite Bands discussion [Editor's Note: featured here, here, and here, for starters]. There are some simply amazing minds at work there, and the future of Rock 'n' Roller Coaster surely lies with them, not with punk-ass, no-talent bitches like Nickelback."
Fear the Boobie
We've already referenced this forum topic at Ultimate Rollercoaster as part of our Breaking News section ("Repressed Prudes Post on Coaster Forums, Say Experts"), but it's gotten so hysterical it just made our Site O' the Weak. From its humble beginnings as a mere outburst of prudishness by a deeply repressed poster who was miffed that a picture of the nude Nemesis Inferno ride photo made it into a signature line, observe how the topic degenerates (amazingly, it's possible) into plenty of random personal insults, the spewing of general hatred for all men, the trashing the social habits and beliefs of other countries, and, thankfully, the posting of more boobie pictures.
Please be aware that you will witness terrifying pictures of boobies, probably the first you've ever seen if you're a coaster enthusiast, if you actually link to the Site O' the Weak. You are a dirty, flithy pervert who will rot in the fiery pits of Hell (or perhaps Southern Mississippi) if you look at them. So you should probably just take our word for it that this topic is damn funny and not actually look at it, or else Satan will rip your still-beating heart from your chest and feed it to his Welsh Corgi.
[Editor's Note: Please stop sending us the hate mail. The author certainly did not mean to imply that Welsh Corgies are beasts of Hell, merely that Satan owns one. We apologize for any offense taken by owners of this magnificent breed.]
Monday, June 14, 2004
Boy Accidentally Defies ACE Code of Conduct
Gavin Darklighter, 16, is fearful that he will be kicked out of the American Coaster Enthusiasts due to an accidental breach of the ACE Code of Conduct.
"I can't believe I screwed up like that," said Darklighter. "I was hanging out at Hersheypark with some pals of mine. We'd had a good time riding the Comet and Great Bear and then Dan suggested we go to Sidewinder next. Well, I just naturally informed them that Sidewinder sucks c**k, like anyone with any common sense would. It just popped out."
He continued: "Well, that wouldn't have really been a problem, except Dan is the editor of my high school yearbook this year, and unfortunately that means I broke the rule where members of ACE aren't allowed to dislike any roller coaster, even if it chomps your ass and then comes back for seconds."
The rule to which Darklighter referred was Rule 4 of the ACE Code of Conduct, available on the ACE website snd sent by mail to ACErs each year when they receive their membership renewals three months late. In part, it states the following: "When interacting with the media, members are expected to speak enthusiastically about all parks and roller coasters."
"Damn," noted Darklighter. "I'm busted, ragging on a shitty coaster like that to the media. I'm positive I'll have my membership terminated."
In unrelated news, another ACE member, Wes Janson, 34, reported that he was also awaiting censure and possible expulsion from ACE, not to mention consideration for the dreaded Ban List, due to an article he posted on Coasterglobe two years ago where, in an otherwise positive review of Six Flags St. Louis, he opined that Mr. Freeze "licked."
Astroland to Theme Cyclone As "Ferlinghetti Lamborghini"
The management of Coney Island's Astroland announced yesterday that it would be closing the famed Coney Island Cyclone for an extended period to permit its retheming as the "Ferlinghetti Lamborghini," a combined coaster and dark ride.
"All the kids these days love that beat poetry of [Lawrence] Ferlinghetti and his contemporaries," said park spokesman Stephen Graham in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "They're constantly hanging around with their berets and their clove cigarettes flying off of our Break Dance. We've been trying for years to figure out how to exploit the massive modern appeal of beat poetry, and we've heard that Six Flags has been working on an Allen Ginsberg-themed walk-through attraction called "Howl," and we wanted to beat them to the punch. Then it came to us: Ferlinghetti wrote the classic anthology of poems Coney Island of the Mind! We knew we had the right approach once we remembered that."
The ride, to be designed and installed by Premier, will maintain the classic wooden coaster's structure while adding extensive dark ride elements. In one series of scenes, Billy Graham and Elvis Presley will exchange roles seriously; in another, an enormous father figure will be shown coming home with his pockets filled with irradiated silver dollars. In a special scene included only in evening "adult-only" rides, the American Boy will take off Beauty's clothes and get on top of her.
The new ride's dramatic finale will feature the rolling stock appearing to transform into a sweet desegregated chariot swinging low and carrying riders back to Ole Virginie.
Nathan's Hot Dogs is anticipated to be closed and replaced with a new location of City Lights Bookstore.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
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