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Friday, May 14, 2004
Fed up with being "deficated [sic] on" by the "hateful, vindictive bottomholes" at ARN&R, brave souls have stepped forward to boycott the trashy amusement park satire page, which, incidentally, is run entirely by people who have low self esteem and who "actually think they are Rumsfeld haters while they are so joined at the hip, well, maybe in ways we cannot explain, anyway thats TMI, well these people are sick." Or something.
We at ARN&R certainly support a boycott of our filthy product, as we really are complete bastards who Jumped the Shark ages ago, anyway. Of course, it will take a mighty show of force for us to really pay any attention to protestors, since we sell such astounding amounts of merchandise from the AbsolutelyReliable Online Boutique. Why, a recent count shows that we've sold almost twenty items in the last two years, including nearly four or five actually bought by someone who has never written for ARN&R! We hope that the boycotters are ready for a drawn-out battle as they attempt to impede our Trump-like revenue stream.
The real tragedy, aside from Coasterfanatic's drunken babbling, in the whole affair is the demand by boycott organizer WildOne that those who communicate with us or read our site be boycotted, as well. Ultimate Coaster participants such as Moosh, C-Screw, Adam, Al, "Guy Near Hulk" Rollergator, and the Reverend (whose name the Assistant Editor actually managed to spell right this time) have all been seen openly weeping, mewing, and casting upturned eyes toward God as one or two people on Ultimate Coaster have decided they "may not want to be fwiends" anymore after finding out that these individuals have dared to look upon our Satan-fueled website since the initiation of the boycott.
More on how ARN&R has been cowed into submission by our reduction in revenue from enthusiast boycotts as the story develops!
Enthusiast Grassroots Effort Leads to Zamperla Salesmen Retirement, End of Togo Comeback
An overpowering effort led by ACErs Jane Doldrum and Ernie "One Click" Raddish proved to be enough to stop a small group of Japanese investors from bringing Togo back from obscurity and into building high quality roller coasters, which they were well known for from the early 1980s through the mid 1990s.
Doldrum stated that the enthusiast community has had enough of roller coaster manufacturers building rides that they did not care for. In fact, just the week prior, her effort had led two salesmen from Zamperla to retire after they had received piles upon piles of hate mail, as a result of enthusiasts' bonding hatred over the Italian manufacturer's latest roller coaster model, "The Volare." Hate mail packages contained blood stained letters, rubber toy knives, and even an artist's rendering of Ron Toomer nailed to a crucifix made of bent wire hangers.
Officials at Zamperla refused comment while they work with their lawyers on collecting evidence, but we were able to get this comment from ACEr Doldrum: "We cannot go on any longer having parks buy rides like the Volare, when there are so many parks in need of a good airtime filled hyper coaster."
Honaguchi Mitusbishi and his group of investors were set to reintroduce Togo's extremely well received mega coaster line to the amusement industry. In a prepared statement, Mitsubishi stated that "Both Manhattan Express and Viper have proven to be two of the top rated steel coasters in the world, so we felt it only natural to pick up the ball where it was last dropped."
Viper, which debuted at Six Flags Great Adventure in June of 1995, has given millions of rides, but in recent years has only operated on a limited basis. "We have made an agreement with the park to only run the ride on days when we visited with potential clients to get feedback on the ride to see if investing in Togo was a worthwhile avenue to pursue," claimed Mitsubishi. He continued to add, "After getting off of the ride, most of our potential clients claimed to have really enjoyed the experience, but also claimed to have forgotten what they had eaten for lunch that day, or what their daughter's name was. We believed this short term amnesia might last just long enough to get their John Hancock on a contract, and a deposit in our pockets."
Upon hearing the news of Togo re-entering the coaster market with the mega coaster, Raddish came up with a creative and economical way to end the effort. "We simply used the same letterhead and hate mail message text that we sent to Zamperla, and simply changed the address." Over 2000 e-mails and hard copies were sent to Mitsubishi's office, which eventually led to their unconditional surrender and the official end of the Togo resurgence.
"This is a great day for enthusiasts everywhere!" claimed Raddish. "Rides like the Mega Coaster and Volare have no place in parks these days. We need more Terra Terra Terra."
Thursday, May 13, 2004
Broadway Reaches Out, Raises Record Sum for Ailing Club
In an unprecedented event, Tony Award winning stars joined forces with the Coaster Preservation Organization (formerly Club) for the first annual "Broadway Cares About Coasters" extravaganza, held at the American Airlines Theater last week.
“When Lee [Coaster] contacted me about the plight of abused roller coasters, I knew that I could do something positive to help,” said Stephen Sondheim in an exclusive ARN&R interview. “Through catchy hooks and peppy dance numbers, and with a dash of Bernadette Peters’s talent, we could raise money for this noble cause.”
After months of collaboration between some of today’s hottest Broadway composers, directors, choreographers and stars, “Oh, Knoebels!” was born. “To be honest, I really wanted something that would more accurately reflect Coaster Enthusiasm than last year’s Theme Park Diva.” said Marc Shaiman, who contributed to the score with the show-stopping number “Anything You Can Ride I can Ride Longer.” Nathan Lane, a longtime fan of the coasters found in his native New Jersey, added, “Finally, a show I can be proud of –- for a cause that affects the entire Broadway community -– or at least me, and that guy over there.”
The show, which was a one-night-only event, raised a total of $12.95 after the extravagant costs associated with the production, which included a working replica of the Phoenix Flyers designed by Tony nominated designer Eugene Lee for the Act I finale “Fugue for ACERs.” “It’s the most money we’ve ever walked away with,” said Lee Coaster, who plans to use the money to play some DDR later.
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
Bob Edwards New Station Voice At Quassy
After NPR forced Bob Edwards out of his decades-long post as anchor of Morning Edition, there was a great deal of speculation about what he would do next. NPR said he'd be on as a "senior correspondent," but many expected a book, or perhaps even a jump to network news commentary. Few expected this.
Quassy Amusement Park in Connecticut announced yesterday that Edwards's sonorous baritone will be the new station voice, sharing greetings and warnings to guests. Henceforth, guests can look forward to hearing this:
"From Quassy in Middlebury, Connecticut, this is the Mad Mouse; I'm Bob Edwards. Please step into the cars and fasten your seatbelts. Keep all parts of your body inside the car at all times. Samantha Mathis is 33 today, and Jason Biggs is 25. Barry Diller will be speaking at the National Press Club today, and SpongeBob Squarepants will be greeting guests at the entrance this afternoon."
Reports that Sports Illustrated senior correspondent Frank DeFord will be brought in to provide narration and sports anecdotes on the Quassy Queen II on Wednesday mornings could not be confirmed.
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
RCCGB Pickets British Medical Association Spokesman's Office
Yesterday, the Roller Coaster Club of Great Britain (RCCGB) began creating what observers claimed was "a veritable wall" in front of the main entrance to the office of Dr. Simon Minkoff, a representative of the British Medical Association's junior doctors' committee, in protest of recommendations Minkoff has recently made.
Minkoff has garnered international notoriety recently through his suggestion that Great Britain combat its high national obesity rate by mandating smaller doors for fast food establishments, apparently limiting the fattening, greasy comestibles only to those slim enough to be able to handle them, or perhaps to those clever enough to have a friend order and bring the food out for them. But the doctor's suggestions have met opposition from the coaster club.
"This is a threat to our way of life, yea verily, to our very existence," said RCCGB member Ian Carter, waving an illegible sign in the air. "These so-called doctors and scientists think they know what's best for us, but they don't. They obviously have not considered the possible impact on coaster enthusiasts when making this suggestion. If they reduce the door size of fast food places, how are we supposed to eat during our many cross-country coach trips? I daresay the British economy will feel a sting if we can't get in those doors, because then we won't be able to make our trips at all, and the restaurant and theme parks industries will take a heavy hit."
Another leader of the protest, who requested anonymity, told ARN&R that, if the measure is enacted, all members of future RCCGB coaster trips will each be provided with a fresh pork chop, which they can use to slather down both themselves and the door frame, thereby making access to yummy cheeseburgers and fried chicken far more likely.
We Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty
This isn't so much a Site O' The Weak as a Greatest Concept Ever. But we don't really have that category, so Theme Park Diva: The Musical is forced to be in our Site O' The Weak.
Thrill to the story, such as it is! Express mild interest and surprise at the huge proportion of the cast that has actually performed in theme park shows! Thank self for deciding not to go into show business so as to avoid ever having been in a theme park show! Recoil in terror at this guy! Or this one! Consider buying some of their crap, but then decide to buy some of our crap instead!
And, mostly, wish you were in Orlando a year ago to go see this at the Fringe Festival!
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.