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Saturday, May 08, 2004
Enthusiast Eager to Take Dump in New Animal Kingdom Bathroom
Coaster Enthusiast Richard Serpa, 46, grew very excited today. The reason for this burst of enthusiasm, according to the friendless and jobless amusement park fanboy, was the fact that he came across a Disney's Animal Kingdom tribute page; the website featured a large array of photos of the construction for a new themed bathroom near the future Everest coaster in Animal Kingdom.
"Woah," said Serpa. "I can't wait to take a dump in that bathroom. I bet it's themed really awesome. Who wouldn't want to obliterate the porcelain in a fine-looking bathroom themed like that?"
Serpa went on to state that he had enjoyed the clean, private, and thematically enhanced public restrooms at dozens of amusement parks, and loved them all, but that he anticipated this would be "the most coolest one yet." He also mentioned, without provocation, that he intended to fill himself to bursting with greasy fast food and Dave's Insanity Hot Sauce the night before visiting Animal Kingdom for the restroom's opening day, so as to "really experience the attraction to its fullest."
Friday, May 07, 2004
Superman: The Escape Still Closed Due to Weather
According to sources close to ARN&R, Six Flags Magic Mountain's Superman: The Escape is not able to operate this season due to weather conditions. Although baseless speculation has been made in the media that the ride is not operating due to safety problems, a catastrophic breakdown, or just to save money for the financially-suspicious Six Flags chain, ARN&R was recently assured by park reps that the sign in front of the attraction, the one that says "Current Weather Conditions Prohibit The Operation Of This Attraction," absolutely represents the truth.
Some observers, notably those troublemakers at Screamscape, have pointed out that the weather condition sign is suspect, considering that almost every day in Southern California the past two weeks has been warm and dry, with very little breeze and not a cloud in the sky. A quick chat at SFMM Guest Relations with "Trevor" and "Shaneequa" cleared the matter up once and for all. As they explained it to ARN&R, guests and the media alike have been reading too much into the sign, assuming the it actually refers to a specific type of weather that would keep a huge ride from operating, such as a thunderstorm, a blizzard, high winds, or massive tidal waves. In reality, the sign merely states that all weather conditions, of any sort whatsoever, prevent the ride from operating.
ARN&R calls on other media outlets to engage in responsible journalism, and to refrain from creating sensational stories where none exist.
Thursday, May 06, 2004
ACE Or The Hole?
ACE (The American Coaster Enthusiasts) has found themselves in court once again. No, this time it is not suing Six Flags over Georgia for not having enough food at Spring Fling or PTC for making its trains too small. The club is currently being sued by ACE -- The Association of Club Executives. The battle is over who controls a simple acronym. Strip clubs are collectively suing the coaster-riding groupies.
Angelina Spencer, the group's executive director, recently derided the coaster enthusiast community. "If they think we're going to let our good name be soiled by those fanny pack-toting tools they can forget about it. I didn't stop dancing when I was seven months pregnant, so what makes them think I will give up this fight?" she fumed.
ACE President Carole Sanderson didn't understand what all the fuss was all about. "Sure we have common lettering," Sanderson commented. "But I don't think our groups are mutually exclusive. I believe we can peacefully co-exist and learn from one-another. For instance, we can teach them how to sing along in the station for 'one more ride' and they can demonstrate how they go 'one more time' with a customer after he has just finished."
The vagina-related ACE, which has recently taken up voter registration, sees no reason why they can't win. Spencer said, "Let's face it -- our girls have the goods. Who is the judge going to side with? A group that consists of mostly overweight, ugly men or chicks with big racks that will give him a 'happy ending' for free? That's not much of a choice."
Bill Linkenheimer, aka Link Daddy in coaster circles and ACE Grand Wizard emeritus, said the group isn't worried about competing with fat tats and loose lips. "Sure, they can grind on a judge's crotch, but can strippers talk for hours about which Six Flags park is better, Kentucky Kingdom or Elitch Gardens? I think not," the "Daddy" waxed philosophically.
The battle of the ACEs will be heard in the Florida district court and a trial date has not been set.
The case is JUGGS V. NERDS 36 FL 692.
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
Rec.Roller-Coaster Considers Changing Its Name To Alt.Homosexuality-Discussion
Following the fourth time in as many months that a post concerning homosexuality has had far more responses than posts concerning more trivial topics like, say, roller coasters or amusement parks, the members of rec.roller-coaster are considering reforming the group under a new, more appropriate name.
"Our new roller coaster fan newsgroup alt.homosexuality-discussion will obviously focus on roller coasters." stated R.R-C posters Rastus O'Ginga and David H in a joint prepared statement, "but it's about time our new title dealt with a cold, hard fact: our newsgroup members are obsessed with homosexuality."
It has been rumored that rec.roller-coaster will also continue under its own name, but now with only 3 posters: Dave Althoff, Mark Rosenzweig and, of course, a rotating cast of people asking about cheap lodging near Cedar Point.
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Enthusiast Keeps Feet Warm
A clever coaster enthusiast was able to keep his feet warm this past weekend, despite all odds. According to Lawrence Mallett, 46, his feet were "absolutely freezing and dangerously numb" after the ACE member and Coaster Zombie spent an afternoon on numerous soaking water rides immediately prior to an evening marathon on the B&M floorless coaster Medusa. Although much of the day had gone swimmingly for the enthusiast, he realized his danger when an unseasonable chill began to seep into his waterlogged socks after sundown.
"It's then that fun turned to danger," said Mallett. "I realized that frostbite might be setting in, and I could potentially lose my toes. Maybe even my life, God forbid. But I knew I had a duty to myself and the American way of life, and I had to complete my mission of riding Medusa twenty straight times to finish my day, no matter how windy and frigid it was. That's when I started bravely fighting through the agony-crazed haze in my mind to concoct some survival schemes. Gutting a dog and using it as a blanket seemed impractical since there were none around, and the sheer volume of squirrels I'd have to kill to equal the mass of one poodle was more than I felt I could handle. Then I remembered that you can stave off the cold by cuddling tightly with someone while you're both naked, but since I haven't been naked around anyone in decades, I didn't think that would be too likely."
"That's when I came up with a brilliant concept to save my feet from certain permanent damage," said a beaming Mallett. "I peed on them."
Mallett added that "a hot stream of my own urine gave my frozen toes the warmth they needed to survive that long night in the cold. Plus, I was able just to do it right in the middle of the Immelman, so I didn't waste a single second of potential ride time, either!"
The enthusiast speculated that other riders might have also had the danger of deadly frostbite averted, due to the likelihood that plenty of his steaming urine had splashed over them, as well.
Ride operators for Medusa were less thrilled with Mallett's courageous survival tale than he, saying that the ride "had an unholy Palace Playland-like stench," and "smelled like Grandma."
Monday, May 03, 2004
When Dinosaurs Were Pets
An article in last weekend’s New York Times provided an interesting springboard for this reporter and his column. After reading what crazy leftist Abby Goodnough said in her article about Kent Hovind’s “Dinosaur Adventure Land,” I knew I had to get the real word out on this hip Jesus theme park. Since evolution has been so badly misrepresented as fact by the liberal media it is good to see people like Mr. Hovind and George Bush himself backing the word of my homeboy, God.
Since the travel budget at AbsolutelyReliable Towers has been cut back for the summer season I decided to simply piggyback on Goodnough’s story and hopped on a Florida-bound Greyhound. After my bus broke down several times we pulled into the beautiful Orlando Bus station and I hitched a ride to Pensacola. You know what they say, “Ass, grass or gas.” Seeing as how I don’t smoke weed and had no cash on me I had to give a hummer to some guy named Jeb (he said he worked in government) for a ride.
With smiles on our faces he dropped me off at “Dinosaur Adventure Land.” Like a kid in a candy store I looked at the millions of dollars the park had spent on specialized rides. Exciting creations like the Vine Climb and Rubberband Shooting all demonstrate that guests can really tell when you give them mind-blowing rides to experience. Rumor Alert: I heard on Screamscape that the park is getting two board games for '05!
After getting my fill of excitement I sat down with Mr. Hovind for an exclusive ARN&R interview with this scientific genius. We talked about when we were each saved, how glad we are that the war against the infidels in Iraq is going so well and that finally we have an administration that looks to 1905 for inspiration instead of 2005. He was also kind enough to show me the park’s professional promotional video that his grandson made on his computer.
Hovind then took me to the new science center under construction. Here he hopes to assist others proving evolution wrong. We both laughed about the fact that so many people still believe that nature can evolve over millions of years. We are smart enough to know that, as many learned people have pointed out, evolution leads to a police state and killings. We concluded our session by praying for hours that God would strike down those wicked IRS agents for raiding the Reverend Hovind's home and business after discovering he had, in good Christian fashion, failed to pay taxes on millions of dollars of earnings.
I thanked Kent for his time and on my way out spoke with his general manager, Tim Berskin. Together we came up with some great Christ-centric amusement concepts we hope to see at IAAPA:
- Inflatable Cross Slide: Children can enjoy a fun ride while appreciating the mind-numbing pain Jesus went through to save their souls. If a kid is injured tell them they need to believe a little more before they give their fun to God.
- The Holy High-Striker: This utilizes the traditional High-Striker game. But, all you have to do is lightly tap the mallet on the lever. If God loves you he will ring the bell, but if not you’re going to hell.
- Passion of the Christ in 4-D: This will pick up where Universal Studios’ Shrek attraction left off. Having fake blood splatter on you, seeing a man writhe for hours only inches from your face and getting to spit on those pesky Jews will make you understand His suffering a little better.
- Hell Gate: Reviving an old attraction from Coney Island, this would allow families to ride together in a “Pirates of the Caribbean”-style attraction. Guests could see blasphemers like Charles Darwin, Helen Keller, Eugene Debbs and others writhe in eternal damnation. It promotes family time and lets kids see what God does when they upset Him.
[Editor's Note: Shortly after our intrepid reporter's Christlike visit to Dinosaur Adventure Land, the park's website evolved into the ARN&R Site O' the Weak.
Six Flags Preemptively Blames 2004 Results on Weather at SFWoA
This morning, Six Flags Inc. held a hastily-scheduled conference call to provide guidance on its financial results for 2004. In addition to the usual rundown of capital expenditures and advertising plans, CEO Gary Story said that the anticipated massive losses were attributable primarily to inclement weather in the northeastern part of Ohio.
"We expect that the occasional rain and moderate wind will result in yet another year of our Worlds of Adventure property failing to achieve expectations," said Story. "Unfortunately, that means another year of massive losses for which we can accept no blame or responsibility whatsoever."
In a written statement, Six Flags also noted that the weather at its European parks division was expected to be unpleasant, and also noted that the presence of French and Swedish people on the European continent could materially affect earnings.
Sunday, May 02, 2004
Enthusiast Distraught Over Tragedy At SFNE
Local enthusiast Daniel Mekas was described this evening as "severely distraught" over the tragic accident that took place on the Superman: Ride of Steel roller coaster at Six Flags New England. Friends of Mekas describe his emotions as ranging from shock, denial, anger, fear and sadness.
"I was going to that park in two weeks!" cried a distraught Mekas. There is no way Superman is going to be reopened 2 weeks from now. No way in hell! The investigation is probably going to take like, months and then when they finally do reopen the great finale I've read so much about is probably gonna be trim braked to hell. Man, I can't believe this happened to me! I have to be the unluckiest person on earth today!" exclaimed Mekas, apparently unaware that the man flung from the restraints on the ride in question might in fact be less lucky.
When questioned about the ride accident victim, Mekas responded with "Who?" before debating whether there was any way he would be able to get a refund on his Priceline purchased plane tickets.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.