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Friday, April 09, 2004
Geauga Lake Announces "Beaver Land"
With the purchase of the former Six Flags Worlds of Adventure, formerly Six Flags Ohio, formerly Geauga Lake, by Cedar Fair, park patrons and enthusiasts alike expected a substantial makeover to the park by the beginning of this season. Few, however, anticipated a new children's land themed to The Vagina.
"With the opening of our new Beaver Land, we have popped the proverbial cherry of family entertainment themed to the glories of the panty hamster," said park representative Dick N. Cider. "Our centerpiece ride for the new kiddie section, the Beaver Land Mine Ride, is an exciting roller coaster designed especially for youngsters who may not have experienced a coaster before. It will provide many of them with their first taste! And our additional rides are certain to thrust into the imagination of everyone who penetrates into the new section."
Cider's assistant, Mike Ocksmall, then came over to fill reporters up with information about the new attractions to open alongside Beaver Land Mine Ride. According to Ocksmall, a few of the attractions in Beaver Land require minimal retouching since they already have a name or theme that fits perfectly within the theme of the new land. For instance, Ocksmall notes that Happy Harbor, a set of kids' climbing mazes located "on the south side," already has a "completely acceptable name." And the former Dippy Divers will simply have its name changed to "Dippy Muff Divers," since the ride "already features a small submersible that goes down and plunges into a moist environment."
Other rides will include:
-The Missile Silo, an informative "hands-on" attraction where park guests tour a turgid metal shaft and the dark, tight tunnel in which it throbs and pulsates with barely-restrained power.
-The Birth Cannon, a small S&S Space Shot with water elements added.
-The Furry Turtle, a refurbished Traver Turtle ride with mild thematic additions.
-The Vagina Mono-Log, a themed O. D. Hopkins flume ride with cutomized one-person vehicles.
-And finally, the Eye of Sauron, a ride of as-yet-unspecified type based on what Ocksmall calls "really horny, desperate morons who are convinced that the lidless eye of the Dark Lord Sauron from Lord of the Rings is supposed to be a wang sharpener."
"Of course, it isn't just the new rides that will be themed to p**sy," added Cider. "There will also be an exciting new food court where patrons can munch away to their heart's content. The themed comestibles will include Sausage Wallets, Fortune Nookies, DNA Slurpees, Clamburgers, Fur Pies, and Whisker Biscuits. The large new games area will be featuring unique booths such as Garage of Love, The Foofy Bird, Round Mound of Repound, Otter's Pocket, and Jack-in-the-Box."
"Basically," Cider concluded, "this entire area will just totally immerse guests in poontang." However, the representative refused to comment on whether future children's sections of Geauga Lake would be themed to nipples, butts, scrotums, or manroots.
Thursday, April 08, 2004
Memo: Six Flags New Lost Property and Lost Children Policy
Editor's Note: We recently found this memorandum in a dumpster outside Six Flags America.
TO: Six Flags Park Managers
FROM: Associate Director of Guest Satisfaction, Six Flags Theme Parks
Six Flags is excited to welcome visitors for the 2004 Season as our parks open this spring! We are committed to providing a safe and secure environment for our guests, and we are proud to announce that we have hired security-consultant Mr. Nmeosowitz, formerly an Associate Deputy at the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), to further those efforts. After extensive study of TSA policies and how they can be applied to our park, we are proud to announce our new security policies.
Any unattended packages or children will be brought to Happy Village, next to Monkey Island. There, both children and packages will be tested for chemical residue and, if at the end of the day they remain unclaimed, they will be destroyed. We feel this new policy will encourage custodians of property and children to maintain control of their property at all times while at Six Flags Theme Parks.
Please inform your guests of this new policy in accordance with usual procedures and arrange for appropriate disposal of the packages and children.
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
Six Flags Restaurant Boss Won't Stop Believing
Tim Stooker feels like going into work "sucks" now more than ever. He earns his daily bread at the Pink Taco, a Mexican Restaurant in Six Flags St. Louis. Surprisingly, it isn't the mullet sporting, Wal-Mart shopping, child-beating patrons that bother him. It's his boss.
"Stan Hansen got promoted this year and his musical taste sucks," Stooker lamented in an interview with ARN&R. "It would be one thing if he brought in a variety of shitty CDs, but it is always the same one -- Journey's Greatest Hits. If I have to hear 'Open Arms' again I'm going to cut my balls off. I just can't take it anymore."
One of Stooker's co-workers, Allan Scott, agreed. "The dude just keeps pumping the same disc over and over. It is killing me. I never thought I would relish hearing Air Supply or Eddie Money, but I would kill to rock out to 'Two Tickets To Paradise' just once. That would be four minutes of musical bliss. Before, I just thought 'Any Way You Want It' was a good adult film. Now whenever I see Jenna going at it all I can hear is Steve Perry singing, 'Oh, she said, Any way you want it, That's the way you need it, Any way you want it.' That definitely took the fun out of porn for me."
Hansen hasn't caught onto the fact that the people under him don't enjoy the CD quite as much as he does.
"Everyone loves rockin' with Steve Perry, Neal, Jon, Ross and Steve Smith," said an obviously elated Stan. "I have heard 'Lights' countless times and that song still touches my heart, just like I am sure it touches each and every one of these guys who get to cut tomatoes and onions for eight hours a day with a twenty minute break...if we're not understaffed."
Stooker, Scott and others have done everything they can to make the CD "vanish." They admitted it had been stolen three times, but whenever it disappeared Hansen went out to his '85 Mustang, brought in his "Greatest Hits" cassette and bought a new copy of the disc that night.
His co-workers are just happy that he will be out of town for a few days to see Journey on tour at California's Del Mar Fairgrounds on June 13. "No they don't have Steve Perry," Hansen giggled, "but they will still be kicking ass on stage. I know I'll still enjoy listening to 'Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin' with my mom."
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
Disaster Transport Wins Best Dark Ride for Coasterbuzz's 2004 Coasters Choice Awards
Coaster forums are still buzzing over Disaster Transport's stunning upset over Islands of Adventure's The Amazing Adventures of Spider Man in the 2004 Coasters Choice awards. The awards, which show absolutely no bias toward Cedar Point or any other midwest located parks, are presented yearly via a live ceremony, webcast from owner Jeff Putz's mother's house. Cedar Point won 8 of the 11 total awards this year, with a Cedar Point fan site even beating out AR&R for "Coaster Site of the Year."
Putz claims the win by Disaster Transport does nothing to discredit the validity of the awards. "Disaster Transport is a very fun dark ride," said Putz, "plus lots of people like to ride it in the summer for the air conditioning. You have to remember that when considering the results. Myself, I found that Spider Man ride kind of boring."
"The Coasters Choice Awards represent the best of amusement parks and rides in America." Putz continued, "That is clear from year to year. I mean, it's not like something totally absurd happened like Kings Island beating Islands of Adventure for Best Theming, for example. Or Cedar Point's godawful food beating Knoebels and Busch Gardens for Best Food. Now THAT would prove my awards are biased."
Monday, April 05, 2004
If You Could Make Your Own Theme Park, What Stupid Things Would You Put in It?
This week's Site O' the Weak is the Young Writer's Club webpage devoted to theme parks. The writers are charged with describing the theme park of their dreams. Heeding the orders to "describe it all in detail," the Young Writers have come up with all sorts of gems, including, but hardly limited to, the following:
-Kandi217 is particularly informative, telling us not once, but twice, that the park should be FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN [edited for length and content].
-Dreama Fowler-Mitchell requests a really fun park that consists of nothing but "[s]hops, shops, and more shops."
-Keta 2005 thoughtfully triple posts no opinion of any sort.
-Nikolecoolkid has very specific ideas on what the park should cost, and has some really unusual park content ideas not at all stolen directly from the board game Candyland. As she would allow "no licking," oral sex is obviously not as welcome at her park as it is at Lake Compounce.
-Ambitious Darkangel, who probably is actually Billy Ray Cyrus or Sinead O' Conner or a member of The Cardigans or something, wants "a place where i could prefom [sic] my unheard music to thousands of fans."
-Billjo, presumbaly an ACE member, informs his readership that "I love going to them parks. My faviort one is kennywood. I go there every year. My faviort rollercoster is the steellphonon. I love there food"
-Treeteen comes up with an idea so spectacular it has to be triple posted: name a thrill ride "YUP...YOUR DEAD....?!!!?"
-Soccerboy has no need to come up with a dream park of his own; it's already been made: "I'm going to talk about six flags of America. It is very fun i'v been thier"
-Bookguy's concept is so stupendous, he posts it nine times: "If i could make my own thrme park i would put the biggest bestest rides in it because i love big rides like the steelphantom i lov that ride so it would diffenetlly be in my theme park. i would have a serf shopp in it i would have icecream stans and lots of other food stands.the cost would be 1.00$ to just get in but it would cost 1.00$ to get on a ride.It would be in my back yard0."
And of course there's more. So much more. Read and enjoy.
Sunday, April 04, 2004
The Geauga Lake Re-Interview Revealed
When it was recently announced that employees of the former Six Flags Worlds of Spectacular Adventure and Wacky Hijinks, Shenanigans, and Merry Galivanting About Town (SFWOAAWHSAMGAT) would all have to undergo a "re-interview" to keep their jobs after the takeover of the park by rival chain Cedar Fair, we at ARN&R felt mixed emotions. After all, it is most unfortunate in today's world that there are so many giant corporate mergers, so many people laid off in the name of a handful of execs getting richer. But, then again, lots of the people working at SFWOAAWHSAMGT seemed to be lazy pricks who actively hated every guest in their park, and it's sort of neat to think of some of them getting fired.
In any case, we have managed to procure an exclusive copy of the re-interview from a spy inside Geauga Lake, and reprint it here for your edification:
Please Answer All Questions to the Best of Your Ability. If You Do Well You Don't Get Fired! Don't Choke!
1) How many Lemon Chill Guys does it take to start an internet rumor?
2) Which ride do you wish to be operating five years from now?
3) What is your most recent level of education not completed?
4) If you were a ride op for Villain, and the queue area developed a line of over four hours, would you add another f**king train, continue with the one-train operation, or hoot and yell sexually explicit things to underage girls in line?
5) Would you prefer to have Snoopy hump your leg or a Loony Tunes mascot jam his hands down your pants?
6) Honestly, now - have you ever peed in a waterpark's wave pool?
7) On an average work day as a ride operator, are you asleep at your station 100% of the time, or more?
8) Did it really take you fifteen minutes to load one damn X-Flight train?
9) How many hectares of raw human sewage would you allow to back up out of the restrooms onto park paths before you asked someone where the Swiffers were?
10) Please tell your test proctor that the Mind Eraser and Serial Thriller, or whatever the hell they're going to be called, are exciting, original, and unique coasters that don't suck and don't remotely resemble 5000 other crummy cloned Vekoma coasters all over the world. Your score on this quesiton will be based on how much of this you are able to say while maintaining a straight face.
11) How much Thunderbird did you drink during your last work shift?
12) Please describe, in five-paragraph essay form, just how much you would enjoy wearing your new Camp Snoopy outfit to work every day. Extra credit: Would you be able to tolerate never ever getting laid ever again after women see you in your new Camp Snoopy uniform?
13) If a customer approached you at the Guest Services counter, would you politely help them with their complaint, spit in their faces, have security rough them up, or instruct an orangutan "borrowed" from the Wild Life section to hurl handfuls of its own feces at them?
14) How little would you be willing to earn this season at Geauga Lake?
15) What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.