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Saturday, April 03, 2004
Oakwood Adds Another Coaster You'll Never Ever Ride
Oakwood Leisure Park in Wales recently announced that it would add a new steel coaster that you will never ever ever even come close to riding. The new coaster reportedly is costing the park three million pounds to add to its lineup, presently featuring Megafobia, which you've never had a chance to come anywhere near.
"We're pleased to be able to announce the addition of this Gerstlauer Eurofighter two-inversion coaster. It's pretty much different than anything in the States, and so we're especially happy to be able to mock the U.S. enthusiasts," said spokesman Whitney Duffington. Duffington later called back to add, in what he described as a special message to ARN&R readers, "Neener neener neener."
Inside sources indicate that you will likely see outstanding photos of the coaster that will make you really want to ride it, but that the odds of you actually saving enough money to travel to Wales are approximately 0.0035. The same sources suggest that you are more likely to meet and marry Jessica Alba and/or Ashton Kutcher.
The new coaster will be added to the lengthy list of amazing rides you will never lay eyes on, including that one in South Africa, that CCI in France, and everything in England.
Friday, April 02, 2004
ACE Changing Direction
The Executive Committee for the American Coaster Enthusiasts today officially announced a new motto for the club: "Coasters are more fun when parts of them are in museums."
ACE President and Former Sandinista General Carole Sanderson elaborated: "For the past several years the ACE Executive Committee has fought long and hard to change the core direction of ACE. We feel that our members, who seem to be timid sheep, are ready for a change of direction for ACE."
Sanderson continued: "The entire executive committee has squealed with delight over the successful loss of many roller coasters over the past few years. The rides we are most pleased with losing forever are the Coney Thunderbolt, Clementon's Jack Rabbit, Wizard's Cavern in Seaside Heights, and the even Hercules at Dorney Park in Allentown. In fact, we proudly displayed the 2003 destruction of three of these rides on our latest cover of ACE News while barely even pretending to think it's a bad thing. We are giddy over the rapid speed of these losses."
"ACE is moving into the 21st century today. As many of you are aware, we are rapidly making progress for our National Roller Coaster Museum plans. This museum will be a wonderful experience for all to see small and generally unidentifiable parts of rides that the world has lost forever. We want to continue to further furnish our museum with star pieces and are advocating the continued and accelerated destruction of rollercoasters so that we will inherit a train, a piece of wood, an operator's control panel, a rusty bolt, etc., for placement in our museum. What better way to forever preserve rides for future generations than to place them in a museum dedicated to that endeavor? A true palace for the politics and new direction of ACE."
Sanderson concluded: "Leading us on this journey is former ACE President and Supreme Being Jan Kiser. We applaud her in spearheading our efforts to accelerate demolition of rides for our museum. Jan has already inspired us to make the Preservation Director a non-position and is taking on a new role of Museum Curator."
Pausing to briefly consider and immediately refuse to coordinate volunteers to paint Lakeside's classic Cyclone coaster, Sanderson continued: "Jan is aggressively working on several projects. The first is to place the final nail in the coffin of Whalom Park so we can put the lead car of Comet Flyer in our museum. After all, who would want to visit this little crap-hole park that was only open during warm months? With a part of it in our museum, visitors can enjoy seeing it year-round! Jan's most delightful love of the museum is further evident at ACE's aggressive campaign to finally get Conneaut Lake Park to die once and for all. ACE desperately wants not only the NAD train, but the mural of train status that adorns the station. We cannot help but to encourage the complete demolition of Conneaut Lake Park as last time I was there I thought the place sucked ass and they didn't let me in for free even when I told them who I was. Future plans also include a coveted piece of the Coney Island Cyclone, which we have begun a campaign to have destroyed in 2006, and the cupola from Knoebel's Phoenix, which we hope to have destroyed in early 2005."
In an addendum to her statement, sent to press outlets later, Sanderson added: "Also included in our Frank Gehry-designed National Rollercoaster Museum will be the world's largest all-you-can-eat pork and gravy buffet. Our hope is to theme this area with artifacts from Rye Playland and Santa Cruz, which we have targeted both for destruction for June, 2004."
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Cedar Fair Announces New Names for Geauga Lake Rides
Following the lead of Clementon Amusement Park renaming the 2004 wood coaster "Sunami" from "Tsunami," a number of Geauga Lake rides will be able to sport new names that will require minimal changes in park signage.
"This is the only way we could possibly change the names of the rides in the less than one month time frame we had between the sale of the park and the April 1st opening," said Bill Spehn, Geauga Lake's new General Manager.
Effective immediately Raging Wolf Bobs will drop the "R" and become Aging Wolf Bobs. The first half of the ride will not receive the retracking Six Flags scheduled for last season; this decision has been justified as ensuring "thematic integrity."
In an effort to pick up the valuable 12-18 demographic, The Villain will become "The Illin'." Queue line graffiti will remain intact. Also, the Yo-Yo will be renamed "yo-YO MAMA."
In an interesting move that will pay tribute to an accident that occured at another Cedar Fair amusement park in California, the Shipwreck Falls will be renamed "Hip Wreck Falls."
To calm the nerves of those who are upset over the park's decision to shutter the Wildlife side, the Pirate Flight will be renamed the "Irate Flight." "Irate: 4D" will feature live three-dimensional footage of the abandoned stadiums, penguin exhibits, and whale exhibits, including graphic representations of the penguins' abandoned bodies decaying.
To attract attention from coaster enthusiast clubs, namely ACE, the SKY COASTER will be renamed the K.Y. Coaster. Riders will be lubricated as to allow easier fit into the flight suit.
In an attempt to be more politically correct, the Black Squid will be renamed "The African-American who Bears a Non-Sexual Resembalance to a Squid."
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Busch Gardens Trumpet Player Sets Sights on Met Opera Orchestra
Following what he called his "totally dominating" performance over the first weekend of Busch Gardens Williamsburg operations, Starlight Orchestra Third Trumpet Steve Cupples announced his future plans to enthusiastic observers. "I'm way too damn good for this sorry-ass gig," said Cupples, a first-year Music Therapy student at Christopher Newport University. "I'm ready to ditch these lowbrows and let the rest of the music world feel my thunder."
Next month, Cupples will be taking off from work for the weekend to take the Principal Trumpet audition for the Metropolitan Opera Orchestra, considered to be among the finest orchestras on the planet.
"Those bitches didn't know what hit 'em," said Cupples. "I was bustin' out those triple high C's, ripping off those solos like the unholy love child of Maynard and Miles. Not a single splee-ya, no fracks, no cracks, just a smooth, awesome tone that blasted the horn players over like fields of wheat. The audience loved my ass, yo."
Experts report that the trumpet audition for the Met will likely draw over four hundred candidates, half of whom will be eliminated by tape audition before several high-pressure rounds of solos and orchestral excerpts determine the finalists. Dozens of professionals and students fresh out of Juilliard, the Peabody Conservatory, and the Eastman School are expected to compete for the job considered one of the most difficult in the classical music business to win. But Cupples is unconcerened.
"Those bitches can't keep up with me," he says. "My weekend of experience as a real professional, working as third trumpet in an amusement-park big band show, will intimidate those conservatory punks into submission. The only thing I need to decide is whether to just accept the Met job when I win it, or whether I should wait until the Cleveland Symphony and Vienna Phil make better offers, so I can play all those stupid bitches off each other for more dough."
"Generally, orchestra musicians with decent jobs practiced for hours a day from a very young age and went to top music schools," said Amy Schwartz Moretti, Florida Orchestra Concertmaster and frequent solo artist, in an exclusive interview with ARN&R. "I've never heard of some guy winning a major orchestra gig after one weekend of playing whole notes for a band at an amusement park, but I guess it could happen. Heck, it sure would've saved me a lot of time if I'd done it that way!"
When asked to comment on Cupples's chances at the upcoming audition, visitors to the Italy section of Busch Gardens Williamsburg reported that the third trumpet player was "pretty loud," "had a high, piercing tone quality," "made weird farty sounds more than actual pitches," and "blended poorly with the trombones."
Monday, March 29, 2004
Team Woo Faces Competition
Amongst the large bellies, neon shirts and coaster tattoos of ACE's Spring Fling event at Six Flags over Georgia, this crack ARN&R reporter recently uncovered a battle brewing of epic proportions. While Team Woo has long been established as a set of enthusiasts with a pathetically annoying online presence, Whootah! recently challenged Woo's place at the top and is therefore this week's Site O' The Weak.
As this reporter walked around Six Flags over Georgia last weekend, he could not help but notice the ugly baby blue shirts and the uglier people in them. Simple yet toolish, their body wear displayed the detailed web address that I later found had an active message board and random graphics. With this simple web declaration the proverbial gauntlet had been thrown down.
At this time this reporter cannot offer additional insight into these beings (often nicknamed the beautiful people). But we assure you that our staff will burn the midnight oil in the massive AbsolutelyReliable Towers to get to the bottom of the mystery of "Who is Whootah!?" More importantly, we promise to have reporters and photographers at the scene when the great battle between Team Woo and Whootah! takes place. We are told it will be like the apocalypse as described in the book of Revelations, except without all the fire, brimstone, Jerry Falwell getting sodomized by Satan, four horsemen, etc. There will likely be much annoying whooping and hollering.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
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We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.