Still here. But mostly in 140 characters.
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Friday, March 12, 2004
 
Gyro Swing Whets Appetites

Amusement park enthusiasts are salivating over the possibility of riding the new Intamin Gyro Swing, set to open in late 2004 at Australia's Dreamworld Park.

Said ACE member Tobey Bilger, 25, "I can't wait to get to Australia. Ever since I saw pics of the first Gyro Swing at Drayton Manor, I've been just drooling nonstop!"

"Mmmmmmmm...." said flat ride lover Robin D. Cox, 50. "Swing look yummy. Yummy!" A trickle of saliva then worked its way out of the side of his mouth and dribbled down into his collar.

"We are pleased to announce the addition of a new Intamin Gyro Swing to Dreamworld," said park rep Lonnie Borneman. "This ride combines the terrifying thrill of a giant spinning flat ride with amazingly succulent flavor. As the entire ride, except for the restraints and gears, is made of thinly shaved char-grilled lamb and tzatziki sauce, passengers can experience a wondrous taste sensation in their mouths even as they are tensing their sphincters in fright!"

According to Borneman, queasy passengers will have little to fear from the ride, as "test riders claim the ride's tasty meat structure tastes almost as good the second time."

"This is the best!" yelled park enthusiast Anthony Nolde, 30, as he slavered uncontrollably in anticipation. "Every enthusiast knows there are only two important things in life: hard core thrill rides and tasty, greasy food. But every park I've ever been to, you have to ride something and then go eat something, then ride, then eat, then ride, then eat. All that walking from the gravy fries or chili cheese dogs to the coasters always wears me out, and I've never thought it was fair of the parks to torture me that way. But Dreamworld has solved all my problems with the new Gyro Swing, where I can happily gorge myself on young sheep flesh while spinning violently in circles. Book me a ticket right now!"

--JCK

Posted at 1:26 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Thursday, March 11, 2004
 
Six Flags Enters Seafood Distribution Market

In a surprising move, Six Flags today announced that the corporation would be entering the business of wholesale seafood distribution, effective immediately. Many amusement industry insiders believe this to be an unusual maneuver, since the financially destitute chain has begun unloading assets this offseason, including most of its European parks, Six Flags Worlds of Adventure, and its collection of coaster event shirts with yellow armpit stains, currently up for auction on Ebay. However, representatives of Six Flags were quick to put a positive spin on the new endeavor.

"The reduction of our amusement park assets frees up our cash flow for use in other ventures," noted spokesman Sherwood B. Willing IV. "One of the areas where we've seen exponential growth is in the field of seafood sales. With aggressive investment of funds and personnel into this area, we can achieve great long-term profits that will help keep our remaining parks solvent and full of fun."

Willing claims that the new seafood distribution venture has "absolutely nothing at all" to do with the fact that Cedar Fair has no desire to purchase the Wildlife section (formerly Sea World Ohio) of Six Flags Worlds of Adventure when the rest of the park is sold by Six Flags to the rival chain, leaving huge numbers of rare sea animals without a home. "That's just silly," added Willing. "The seafood venture has no correlation to the amusement park deal."

ARN&R has learned that the products to be offered later this year by Six Flags Assorted Sea Flesh Consortium include shark steaks, sea lion cutlets, dolphin burgers, penguin smoothies, and Whale Blubber on a Stick.

--JCK

Posted at 3:54 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Six Flags Sells Ceramic Troll Collection, Printer Cartridges

In an ongoing effort to focus on core competencies and raise revenue, Six Flags Inc. announced today that it had sold its extensive ceramic troll collection to an elderly woman in Nebraska, as well as a closet full of unused printer cartridges that fit a dot-matrix printer not sold since 1986.

"The ceramic troll collection market is a highly competitive market, and we admit to having made a few bad decisions -- like spending $350 on that [Chicago Bears lineman] William 'Refrigerator' Perry ceramic troll, that was definitely a mistake!" said Six Flags' Gary Story. "We continue to believe in the ceramic troll market, but [purchaser] Ms. Ricketts will be able to better exploit the collection in the short term."

As for the printer cartridges, Story said that he came across them when it was his turn to clean the park chain's Oklahoma City offices. "It turns out it really was a good idea to let the janitor go and all chip in cleaning. Not only did we save paying his salary, but we got $15 for those printer cartridges on eBay!"

Stock analysts predict that Six Flags may next consider selling its extensive Pez collection and the '66 Mustang on blocks in front of Frontier City that it's been meaning to fix up since purchasing it in 1997.

Posted at 8:56 AM | Link |

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Wednesday, March 10, 2004
 
British ARN&R Correspondent Confused by British Reader's Inability to Find Humor in ARN&R

Recently, occasional ARN&R assistant writer VMA was most confused by the fact that British readers of ARN&R allegedly find the website completely unfunny. "Some bloody wanker claims he doesn't find ARN&R amusing because of his presumably more subtle and superior British sense of humor. Somehow I doubt the fact that he's British makes a jot of difference, since I am from London and have helped write two articles for ARN&R. One of them made use of various British slang terms and implied that Americans are morons, which my collaborator and I felt surely would appeal to Brits. I suppose the very special sod just doesn't like us, for reasons unrelated to his nationality. Or perhaps he's just Northern. They do tend to be a bit slow."

VMA has promised to proofread all future ARN&R articles, with the intention of pointing out places where words like "bollocks," "bugger," and "poofter" can be inserted to improve the website's popularity with the all-important "pommy bastard" demographic.

VMA also kindly pointed out that the word "wanker" was already being used quite extensively at ARN&R.

--JCK

Posted at 10:42 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Monday, March 08, 2004
 
Code & Coaster Nerds Vie For Holy Grail of Tools

Men who will never have anyone care for them saw an interesting note on CoasterBuzz today. Werner Stengel, the legendary roller coaster designer, is holding a contest to have a new website designed for his company. While the current website is pretty awful, it was at least designed by someone who knows the amusement industry.

We can only imagine what sort of travesty dozens of enthusiasts who live with their parents will think of. The ARN&R staff, in a fit of investigative journalism, called some of the people submitting website concepts to Stengel. Here is what they found:

Scott Fappny, 45, "Code Slinger"

"I plan to utilize a new form of code that has the best aspects of Javascript combined with the functionality of traditional --[Click]" (It is believed that the ARN&R reporter hung up at this point.)

Tim Johnson, 34, Jizz Mopper at The Vibraphone

"My goal for the website of Werner Stengel, or, as I call him, my new best friend, is to make a site that reflects his kick ass rides. I mean this dude has done it all. Did I say dude, I meant God! I was thinking of switching from AOL to Tripod, but I haven't got much further than that. I will win that first class ticket to Nazi land."

Random Guy in The Florida Coaster Club Phone Book, Forty-something, Prison Bitch

"Tera, Tera, Tera!"

Jeff Smithtis, 26, 4th Year Senior at Ball State

"Slow down man, I have a wicked buzz...That's better. The Steng-dog is the shiznit. Yo, I mean for shizzle my nizzle. I am so street. I was thinkin' of introducing him to some Tupac when we hang together for the day. My favorite Stengel coaster? Have to be Son of Beast, because when you make it an acronym it is S.O.B. That's awesome."

Brittany Lynn Swanson could not be reached for comment.

--FMB

Posted at 8:18 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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"Pitty" The Fool

Our Site O' the Weak is quite simple and to the point this time around. Enjoy "Mr T'stir rollar coaster in funland," a web page so catastrophically stupid that we cannot find words to adequately describe how awful it is that this fetid mound of marmot scat is actually being allowed to consume bandwidth.

Posted at 5:37 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Tig Ole Bitties Coming to Six Flags Great America's New Mardi Gras Section

General Manager Tim Black has a lot on his mind these days. With five new rides and an inventive new Mardi Gras area of the park he is a happy man. "I think it will be the best addition to the park since it opened," he commented in an exclusive ARN&R interview.

What makes Black so happy? Tits -- and lots of 'em. "We all know that Mardi Gras brings out the best, or should I say breast, in women. They take their tops off and jiggle those fun bags for some worthless beads. That is a beautiful thing."

Gary Story, former president of Six Flags, agrees, "The ladies of Chicago and Milwaukee have some ripe melons and we are more than happy to give them an opportunity to show those perky pokers off."

Among the new flat rides this year are a Zamperla Rockin' Tug, a Zamperla Balloon Race, and a Huss Top Spin. "The Rockin' Tug and Balloon Race each can hold 48 breasts, while the Top Spin can push through around 1600 pendulous sacks per-hour. Personally, I can't wait to see four pairs of twenty-something tattums spinning on that Crazy Mouse," commented head of Maintenance Tom Williams. When asked why he was looking forward to all these breasts, when many amusement park guests are unkempt white trash, Williams got strangely quiet.

General Manager Black's largest fear is male coaster enthusiasts. With a worried face he said, "We do understand that some of these gentlemen do have rather huge man boobs, but no one at the park cares to see them." Despite this fact, the Coaster Zombies still have their "You Can't Get Milk Out of These" Coaster Tour scheduled to hit Gurnee on August 24. "I am warning these pasty white Zombies right now, keep those shirts on and those cottage cheese tats inside. If we have to escort you out it will be with a trash bag over your gut," Black grumbled.

Six Flags Great America opens May 1 and adult tickets are $41.99, but half-off for topless women.

--FMB

Posted at 9:04 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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