Still here. But mostly in 140 characters.
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Friday, March 05, 2004
 
RCT3 to Feature New Six Flags Simulation

ARN&R has received an alpha copy of the new three-dimensional Rollercoaster Tycoon 3 and can exclusively reveal some of the features of the updated game.

Most notable is the expanded branding with Six Flags. In addition to coming with rides from actual Six Flags parks, several scenarios will give players the experience of managing a park in the chain. For example, the Six Flags New England scenario will allow for exactly one great ride but no more and players will randomly experience millions of gallons of raw sewage being rained upon the park. Bonus points will be given for each park employee that vomits on a guest. Similarly, the Six Flags Astroworld scenario will permit the installation of rides only after they have been installed and run into the ground in other Six Flags scenarios. Finally, the Six Flags Magic Mountain scenario will provide for enormous and ride-filled parks but permit the hiring of exactly eighteen people to operate the entire park, ten of whom are drunk.

Though not yet in the alpha version, game developer Chris Sawyer is reportedly considering identifying a miniscule proportion of parks' virtual guests as enthusiasts. These guests will demand constant attention from the player, insisting that the parks add millions of dollars of new rides, while spending virtually no money in the park, instead relying on season passes and the storage of coolers filled with cold fried chicken in their cars. Sawyer's only hesitation is showing the enthusiasts in the improved and three-dimensional graphics, fearing that doing so could endanger the game's family-friendly ratings.

Posted at 11:25 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Wednesday, March 03, 2004
 
Woo Plague Spreads

Coaster tool experts were certain that ARN&R's public besmirching of Team Woo's crappy and frightening website would lead to the group slinking off into a corner in shame, never to wear dorkass uniforms and scream like brain-dead stuck pigs at American amusement parks again. However, these experts were soon proved wrong with the discovery that the irritating "Power of Woo" is alive and well throughout the nation.

"The reports of horrid Wooness are legion," states Mark Gilchrist, a leading writer on the subject of embarrassing coaster toolness. "Dozens of disturbing examples of Woo oozing through the quagmire of society have been unearthed." Gilchrist then presented a gargantuan list of insidious Woo references from the Web. Culled from the list are several are the more prominent Woo references, featured here:

-In an an online argument over the frivolous lawsuit filed by Chinese Drag Queen Restaurant Lucky Cheng's against Zagat for claiming the restaurant blows, one poster offers the illuminating, if deeply puzzling, comment that "[t]his would be were I yell WOO and chug a stupid shot while getting teabagged by a transvestive [sic], but I'm not Aron."

-In a fabulously idiotic and hilarious dissertation on cheerleading audition procedures, which national humor experts label as "absolutely the funniest f**king crap I've ever read in my entire life, please read the entire awful webpage, you'll thank us, wheeze, wheeze, gasp, wheeze," the (presumably) teenybopper webhost gives these expert instructions:

Don't scream, but yell from your diaphragm. Do not be sing songy. Make sure the judges can hear and understand each word you say. When you run on yell "Let's go", "Go Wildcats", "We're number 1", "Go PHS", etc. Just don't yell "Woo", the judges hate this.

-A homeless man received new teeth for yelling "Woo!" a bunch for the Chicago Cubs, though the fact that a black, unemployed man received free new teeth did seem to inexplicably piss the living hell out of all the drunk, rich, racist white men in the stands at the time. However, the white men eventually managed to calm themselves down by whining about how Steve Bartman and some random farm animals destroyed their dreams, while failing to admit the fact that their loser team is simply full of chokers who would have gacked it before the end anyway.

-Drunken morons apparently drop their pants and yell "Woo!" frequently for comedian Dave Attell on Insomniac.

-A disturbing website run by one fairly hostile "Skankin' Jill" has a very top title of "About me, everybody jump up and down and yell "WOO!" The evidence of loads of mopey poetry and another page with the top title of "mary had a little lamb, and it's [sic] fleece was white as cocaine" leads experts to believe that Skankin' Jill desperately wishes to break free of the oppressive cloak of Woo that envelops her.

-Kevin Foster and others compete for Team Woo in what appears to be a softball league. ARN&R has not received word on whether either Team Woo will attempt to sue the other for stealing their name.

-And, finally, even that guy who has the website with the weird monkey things-- who sing "We Like the Moon" and have recently migrated into Quizno's commercials-- confesses that "I make stupid stuff, and I jump around shouting "WOO!" mainly."

ARN&R plans to keep its readers abreast of further disturbing developments in the spread of the nefarious Woo plague.

--JCK

Posted at 7:18 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Tuesday, March 02, 2004
 
Woo! Woo! Woo! Site O' the Weak! Woo! Woo!

Team Woo. An irritating sound (don't turn your speakers up too loud on the opening page), a concept, a business venture, and, primarily, a collection of monster coaster tools who pretty much just go around parks wearing geeky T-shirts and yelling "Woo!" in an obnoxious fashion.

According to the webmasters, Team Woo:

is a group of roller coaster riding enthusiasts and the Woo (as you probably heard when you entered this website) is the noise that we make. Sure, we make other noises too, but the Woo is the primary tool that we use to excite a crowd waiting in line. Team Woo travels to various theme parks and Woos at the people in line, and they tend to Woo back at us. You give a woo, you get a woo...it's a give and take relationship.

Thank you, Team Woo, for doing your best to make theme parks and the general public think coaster enthusiasts are complete and utter wankers.

Bear witness to the awesome leaders of Team Woo. Learn the exciting history of Team Woo. Witness a massive collection of truly horrifying pictures of Team Woo in action at various amusement parks. However, we strongly advise not viewing the disturbing picture of the boys in the restroom, probably giving their own little Woos a pounding. That sort of thing will make your palms hairy and your eyesight fail, kids.

And don't forget to fork over twenty bucks and purchase a Woo T-shirt, so that you, too, can look like a complete and utter tool in your local amusement park! Pick from slogans like the following:

I Came, I Saw, I Wooed
Wooin' From Womb to Tomb
Eat Sleep Woo
Got Woo?

Woo it up with Team Woo, this week's ARN&R Site O' the Weak.

--JCK

Posted at 5:49 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Enthusiasts Gear Up for Solace 2K4!

Across the country, coaster enthusiasts are preparing for one of the first coaster events of the year, Knott’s Solace gathering. Jeremy Geisteskrank of Hobart, Indiana, is having trouble packing. “I can’t decide on whether to bring my Beast T-Shirt, my Beast knit polo, or my Beast chambray shirt,” the confused 34 year old said. “It’s a real wardrobe dilemma.”

Others are excited to meet up with friends. Michelle Traurig, 22, is flying into Los Angeles on Thursday to have a special dinner with some online pals she’ll be meeting for the first time. “Maybe WoodieFreak and I will have the same chemistry in person that we do on RRC,” she said hopefully in an interview via AOL Instant Messenger.

While love connections have been made in previous years, event organizers have been careful to warn people not to engage in behavior that could lead to sexual harassment -- and many enthusiasts won’t be wearing promiscuous clothing or anything that would make them sexually attractive to other enthusiasts. “You never know if these guys are drooling from the ERT or from your baby doll “Airtime Whore” shirt,” said one female enthusiast. “It’s easier not to risk it.”

We at ARN&R wish all enthusiasts a great Solace weekend -- and watch out, you never know when the person next to you in the buffet line is a member of our crack investigative team -- so behave yourselves!

--MMS

Posted at 1:03 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Monday, March 01, 2004
 
Hungover Theme Park Executive Realizes He Greenlit Monster-Themed Dark Ride

"Oh god, I feel like death."

That's how Paramount Parks Vice President for Ride Development Joe Odenkirk started the day in his West Hollywood hotel room after attending what he described as "one hell of a [post-Oscars] party" hosted by Vanity Fair. And his day didn't get any better as the calls started rolling in on his cell phone.

First up was Bob Berney, head of indie film studio Newmarket Films, enthusiastically talking about how he and Odenkirk needed to "do lunch" to go over the "concept drawings" that Berney said they'd drawn up the night before. Odenkirk muttered vaguely, "Uh...yeah, we should do that."

Then actress Charlize Theron's agent called saying he was looking forward to the $2 million payment Odenkirk had signed a contract for in order to allow for the usage of Theron's image. Odenkirk, still confused, again murmured some form of assent as he reached for his Aleve.

And then, as he started his third cup of coffee with a still-pounding headache, Odenkirk realized it: He had approved a $20-million dark ride based on the Newmarket Films production Monster, featuring Theron as a Florida prostitute/serial killer. Worse, he had promised -- in writing -- that it would replace the Scooby Doo-themed dark rides at every Paramount amusement park.

Though details were unclear in his mind, Odenkirk did remember that the planned ride would include explicit violence and sexual content, along with Sally Corp.'s patented technology permitting riders to join Theron's character in shooting trucker johns, at least half of whom were expected to appear fully nude.

"Holy shit, what was I thinking?" Odenkirk said to himself as he swallowed a handful of Ex-Lax. "It must have been after that third cranberry Cosmopolitan, or maybe it was when we were into the mojitas."

At press time, Odenkirk was trying to decide between claiming that he had been hypnotized when he agreed to the ride and bullheadedly insisting that it was actually a good idea. It was believed to be Odenkirk's worst drunken ride approval since his signing of a contract for retheming Paramount King's Island's train ride based on Schindler's List.

Posted at 7:22 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Sunday, February 29, 2004
 
Oscar Redux

We're quite positive that tonight's Oscar ceremony will be filled with horrid things we can make fun of later tonight or tommorrow. However, just to whet your appetite until that point, we present a classic Oscar-themed ARN&R mockfest from last season:

Parks and Enthusiasts Dissed By Academy

Excitement reigned in Hollywood today as nominations for the 75th Oscars were announced. The picks by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences created their usual share of controversy, however. Reginald B. Eubanks III, for one, was appalled by the Academy’s decisions. "It was, like, I was personally dissed. Those [arts and science] people don't know anything about good entertainment when they see it. I can't believe they didn’t nominate one theme park or theme park attraction!"

Enthusiasts worldwide seemed misled in their beliefs that somehow this year's 75th annual Academy picks would include theme parks and theme park rides and attractions. "I can't believe Cedar Point was not at the top of their list!" bellowed Thomas Hogwell of Grand Forks, Michigan. "Millennium Force should've been a shoe-in for Best Dramatic Leading Performer."

“Some of these picks are indeed a surprise,” stated E! News’s Jules Asner. Chicago was expected to gather many nods, but who would have thought The Adventures of Pluto Nash, Swept Away, and Eight Crazy Nights wouldn’t have gotten Best Picture consideration? Natalie Portman and Hayden Christenson not getting Best Supporting nominations for their superb rendering of dialogue in Attack of the Clones is deeply puzzling. And how could The Raven be overlooked for Best Coaster, Wood? Catherine Zeta-Jones and Queen Latifah were both excellent, but Julianne Moore frankly doesn’t deliver the speed, airtime, and out of control thrill that the Raven does.”

Other amusement park lovers confessed shock and outrage. Said Dan Gordo, “I can’t believe Islands of Adventure was almost totally shut out of the nominations. Road to Perdition had a great score, but everything else nominated in that category was vastly inferior to the IOA soundtrack, particularly the part you hear in the Lost Continent area. And Cat in the Hat has Best Live Action Short written all over it. Well, at least Spiderman got the one nom for Visual Effects.” Upon learning that the Best Visual Effects nomination had gone to the movie of Spiderman rather than the ride, Gordo reportedly screamed and bashed his head through a wall.

"Jeepers," exclaimed 14-year-old Porter Everton, "this is the first year ever I will be allowed to stay up that late even to watch the event, but now I don't care. Those [Academy] people suck." Paramount parkgoer Jeremy Mac noted, "XLC could've at least gotten the shoe-in with Best Supporting Buttress." [Editor’s note: It is interesting that Mr. Everton would phrase his dismay in such fashion, as Jeepers Parks failed to receive any nominations, either, most surprising considering the fact that they built a Faces of Death-themed kiddie coaster this season.]

Sources close to ARN&R report that many amusement industry bigwigs have concluded the Academy of Arts and Sciences has no idea what it is doing. Walter Bolliger is alleged to have said, "Anyone who has ever ridden Alpengeist knows what Best Design is all about. Those [Academy] people know nothing."

Corporate reaction to the news was mixed. Six Flags President and CEO Roger Finterspoon furiously attacked the Academy in verbal repartee, "Damn you [Academy] guys! Damn you all to heck! I've got thirty-five parks worldwide and not one of them was nominated for a single thing! Not even a nod for Best Foreign Theme Park!" However, Disney, which has won numerous Academy Awards in the past, had no comment, except to express disappointment that Christopher Walken’s nomination was for Catch Me If You Can rather than The Country Bears.”

--RAS

Posted at 5:45 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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