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Thursday, February 26, 2004
"Letters to Rollercoaster!" Returns
Following the impressive debut of "Letters to Rollercoaster!," a new section of Rollercoaster! Magazine that features the “real life” experiences of enthusiasts who write in to tell of their most outrageous coaster experiences, the magazine has announced that the feature will indeed be a regular part of future issues of the world's leading magazine for coaster enthusiast self-love. ARN&R has obtained an advance copy of one of the letters set to appear in the upcoming issue:
It was a dark and stormy night. I knew something amazing was about to happen to me, but I did not know what it was yet. I was experiencing the wonders of Islands of Adventure. Naturally I was alone, because it's best to visit amusement parks without the burden of stupid friends who slow you down and prevent you from getting on Hulk and Doom the maximum number of times.
Because of the rain, I was unable to continue riding the roller coaters. Initially this was a catastrophe. Not riding coasters all day is like the end of the world, as you all know. But then I made the fateful decision to go ride Cat in the Hat instead of sulking, like a weaker man would have done when faced with as much as 20 minutes of time not spent riding coasters or jacking off.
I went through the queue. The ride op asked how many, and I told her "just one." She looked at me funny, and I thought maybe she would make fun of me for being at an amusement park alone, like all the other girls. But then she smiled and said, "Hang on, there's another single rider I can put with you."
Then I sat in the front seat of Cat in the Hat, and the most gorgeous creature sat down beside me. She was a striking brunette with dark blue eyes and full breasts, and she immediately asked me what my favorite Immelman was in the whole world. As out eyes locked, I could tell this meeting was a special time.
The lapbar came down, but I noticed that it left plenty of room. We were all alone on the ride. I knew what I was thinking, and I was pretty sure I knew what she was thinking. Soon our clothes were off, and we were totally doing it on Cat in the Hat, while still, of course, safely secured by the lapbar, so don't print letters from people saying we weren't being safe. It was great fun, but of course the spinning parts were kind of difficult on the lovemaking. Then we got our clothes on and the ride finished. She kissed me and then wandered off into the Port of Entry. I never even knew her name, so I just call her My Angel.
Several friends of mine have laughed that I never joined the Mile-High Club like they had. But now I have something on them. I'm the only one among anyone I know who is a member of the Dr. Seuss club! Thanks, My angel, and thanks, IOA for a great time!
I hope you print my letter.
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
Mantis Man: Enthusiast, or Super Villain?
Buena Park, CA: Ride operators on Knott's Berry Farm's popular Xcelerator thrill coaster got a lesson in loading Tuesday by an enthusiast only known as "Mantis Man." "He’s been here all day," said one of the park employees, clearly not sure whether to be amused or frightened by Mantis Man’s actions. "We can’t get him off of the platform."
Mantis Man's M.O., it appeared, was to linger on the exit platform and spring, insect-like, into any available seat. When the open seat was on the loading side of the platform, this bold enthusiast did not hesitate to tell people to move.
While the crowd marveled at what riding Xcelerator with no interruptions might do to one’s internal organs, the Mantis Man made sucking noises against his fingertips and then tapped his wristwatch compulsively, only adding to his insect-like appearance. "Sometimes, when the train is pulling into the station, he taps the Mantis logo on his t-shirt with his fingertips," said another ride operator. "It frightens me."
Above: Mantis Man springs into action
Push came to shove when, in a bold move to force the Mantis Man off the platform and back around into the nearly empty queue, a ride operator attempted to lock down an empty seat before Mantis Man could occupy it. "Pay attention!" the evil insect barked. Finally, after his 48th ride, security was called to remove him physically from the platform. "Oh, that’s OK, I’ll just come back tomorrow!" he said with an evil glare in his eye.
Little is known about Mantis Man or the nature of his powers. When asked in a brief ARN&R interview if the evil creature had a family or job, the Enthusi-insect hissed, "No, I have a season pass." He tapped his upper lip, growled "48 times," and vowed to "get [his] revenge tomorrow."
Mantis Man is just one of the new breed of Super Villain Enthusiasts who have been spotted around the globe. So far, there has been no link to the Unknown Enthusiast, but here at ARN&R we are ever vigilant to spot these evildoers!
Coaster enthusiasts, consider this your notice: ARN&R is everywhere. Oh, yes, we see you. The funny thing is, you shouldn’t be surprised to be written up. We’re wearing our uniforms proudly and in plain sight. Be more like Hulk Guy and we’ll be nice.
--MMS & CSB
Perform Your Civic Duty
As it was in 2003, ARN&R has been nominated this year for Site of the Year in the Coasterbuzz Coasters' Choice Awards. In celebration of this achievement, we lazily present to you the exact same message we printed last year upon hearing of that nomination. It all still applies. The links even still work and everything. And remember, Coasterbuzzers, if you fail to vote for ARN&R, and we feel obligated to make fun of CB forum topics instead of converting to our "happy fluffy warm fuzzy fun" format as punishment, you have only yourselves to blame.
ARN&R Nominated for Site of the Year, Promises to Stop Making Fun of CoasterBuzz Members
ARN&R was nominated for Site of the Year at CoasterBuzz. And you are wholeheartedly encouraged to go vote for us, but we expressly do not encourage you to, for example, clear your browser's cache and cookies after visiting so as to circumvent the voting mechanism's anti-ballot-box-stuffing provisions and be able to vote for us twice, or, worse, several dozen times, because that would be wrong. Don't do that. We certainly wouldn't suggest that we would buy a round of drinks for our entire readership if such an event occurred and we were to win the actual award.
In completely unrelated news, ARN&R has promised to stop making fun of the semiliterate participants in CoasterBuzz's forums. "Why, even if someone there -- like, say, XFan -- falls for one of our stories and declares that the site is run by a couple of drunks, we're still not going to make fun," said ARN&R's Chief Insult Policy Officer. "Why, even if someone -- again, say, someone like XFan -- sends us an e-mail suggesting something along the same lines, we won't do anything like post it on the site, opening him up to repeated mockery."
The policy change has nothing to do with the nomination, according to ARN&R's Public Relations Department. Rather, said the CIPO, "We just think it's time to start being more positive. Warm fuzzies work better than cold pricklies."
Starting soon, ARN&R is expected to switch formats to nothing but amusement park employees' favorite recipes and reviews of the best amusement park souvenirs.
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
ACE Hires New Remedial Spelling Consultant
The American Coaster Enthusiasts (ACE) recently faced another of their myriad of public relations gaffes when it was revealed that large numbers of its executive committee and publications writers and editors were severely deficient in basic spelling. The shocking news came to light with the most recent issue of ACE News, which featured an article covering this past November's International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions (IAAPA) Trade Show.
In the article, the ACE booth at the show was described as having a "prime location," clear proof that the organization was in attendance as an exhibitor. Yet, a mere paragraph before, the article claimed the following: "Exhibitors ran the alphabetical gamut, from Amusement Today to Zierer." Puzzlingly, ACE either entirely forgot it was at the trade show, or failed to realize that the alphabetical gamut actually went, at the very least, from ACE to Zierer.
Fortunately, ACE has realized its problem, and has just announced the hiring of an expert who can assist prominent ACE leaders and editors with their ABC difficulties: Barney.
"Whoa, heidi-hoodily-doodily!" screamed the giant purple dinosaur, twirling and jumping in the air for emphasis. "The Alphabet is fun, fun, fun!" He then reached down and suggestively massaged Baby Bop's groin.
"Barney is so awesome!" said one ACE editor. "I always thought 'Amusement Today' came before 'American Coaster Enthusiasts' or 'ACE' when you arrange things alphabetically! But now I know that, when one wants things to be done according to alphabetical gamut, then either 'ACE' or 'American Coaster Enthusiasts' would actually come before 'Amusement Today.' Score!"
A spokesman for Barney indicated that the Purple One hoped to have all major ACE personalities knowing their alphabet within a week or two, but he felt that "working on the 'its-it's problem' was a "bit too advanced" and not "fun-de-dun-ton-fun" at this time.
Bow to Your New Master
It's pretty audacious to call yourself The Roller Coaster God. Even if one were spectacularly knowledgeable about roller coasters, or had written major dissertations on them, or had ridden more of them than any other human, the title is more than a little presumptuous. For instance, Robert Cartmell, Bob Coker, and Scott Rutherford have all written excellent books about coasters, yet all have had the good taste not to refer to themselves as "gods," "high exalted poobahs," or even "minor assistant Ancient Scandinavian deities." For crying out loud, even Paul Ruben doesn't call himself "The Roller Coaster God." Well, not in public, anyway.
Of course, some enthusiasts are bolder. However, when one of them develops a website that has approximately 437 links, and only about three of them actually work, then his claim to be "The Roller Coaster God" is unlikely to be seen as credible. His claim to the title of Roller Coaster God is also substantially hindered by his decision to note when his hopeless disaster of a website was "last Perfected" instead of "updated," and by offering these words of wisdom, which we reprint exactly as they appear on the front page of Roller Coaster God's site:
Welcome to God's Play Toy's. Designed by "The Future of Roller Coasters". It's that time of year again where all the theme parks are in FULL SWING for all us coaster enthusiast to enjoy the parks! Enjoy all of the information, pics, and tons of other things I have to offer!! -RollerCoasterGod
Please pick up your consolation surprises backstage, Roller Coaster God.
Oh, and, by the way, you just became the ARN&R Site O' the Weak.
Monday, February 23, 2004
Magic Springs Gets Alcohol Permit, Now Hoping for Gun and Chaw Permits
Magic Springs Amusement Park, located outside Hot Springs, Arkansas, recently announced that it had received a permit to sell beer and wine at its restaurants. The permit approval was considered a significant win for the park, especially as previous efforts had been rejected.
Less well-known are the park's future permitting plans. Park associate manager Ray Abney told ARN&R of the plans in an exclusive interview. "We's plannin' t'apply fer permits t'sell an' carry guns, 'specially six-shooters, an' to gets a permit allerin' us t'require ev'ry employee t'have a cheek full of chaw at all moments. We reckon this hyar will he'p help our park's sophisticated image even more, y'all!"
Researchers indicate that the park's efforts to allow widespread carrying of "six-shooters," both among guests and employees, and to require chewing tobacco usage among all employees are unprecedented in the modern era of amusement parks. "You have to go back to [defunct Arkansas park] Dogpatch USA to find a park that's embracing its heritage this enthusiastically," said amusement park historian Andy Sanders. "Even if it is a hick moron heritage that's only allowed for the state to be 49th-best at just about anything you can think of."
If the permits are granted, Magic Springs has reportedly looked into pursuing an exemption from the Equal Protection Clause of the U.S. Constitution to allow for short-term slavery, in addition to a possible effort to permit in-park weddings among relatives, including siblings.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.