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Breaking News:
One of these people is very happy. One is not. Every time a bell rings, a roundish coaster enthusiast gets his wings! Sorry to inform you that "Mister Donut" translates as "Pastry filled with feces" "What do we want? BRAINS! When do we want them? BRAINS!" "And then we sold this man a fifteen-year-old Walkman for $200 and told him it was the next-generation iPod!" Okay, really, now you're just photoshopping in the same stupid pose in front of stock photography for each park. Costumed worker at Japanese park on day TPR visits: Worst. Temp. Job. Ever.
More headlines below the ads...
Hello, Japan! We will be annoying you for the next several days. This is almost like interacting with another human. More gravy, fewer noodles, please. "Hey, we're in Japan! Let's, um, bowl! That should really expose us to new cultures! "...and then let's go to Denny's!" "I wonder if I could get an on-ride video of this drum..." Why exactly would the photographer yell out "Act like utter morons, anyway? ...and dozens of Japanese commuters collapse from the smell at once Dude, that's totally Spicoli in the middle. It's so nice to be somewhere that's open to different, er, preferences What Has Happened to CoasterBuzz? Wild West World Owners Next Spending $40 Million on Roller Disco-Themed Park Hollywood Horror Nights to Feature Enormous Animatronic Goldie Hawn In Further Improvements to Son of Beast, Cedar Fair to Add Whiny Guy with Body Odor Tapping Patrons' Shoulders Repeatedly, Asking "Does This Bug You?" Hard-Hitting Journalist Rather Proud of Transitions Sunglasses, Intense Journalistic Stare Q. Why Don't Enthusiasts Get Dates? A. Here's a Start. Hundreds of Enthusiasts Simultaneously Discover Working in Amusement Park Sucks, Fellow Employees Hate Them Six Flags Right In Touch With Hot Trends Intamin Admits Maverick Designed by Ron Toomer with Bendy Wire Hangers; Says, "Computers are Expensive!" Enthusiasts Practice Saying "Mas Tapas" Repeatedly Gravy Futures Way, Way Up Carowinds Employees Assimilated
All information guaranteed absolutely accurate or your money back.
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Thursday, February 05, 2004
Dean Promises Billions in Aid for Little A-Merrick-A Former Vermont governor Howard Dean today visited the closed-for-the-season Little A-Merrick-A amusement park outside Madison, Wisconsin, promising billions of dollars of federal aid for the park if he is elected. "This fine park is employing upwards of eight or nine people at a time, and it's got this wonderful...uh, what the hell is that thing?" inquired Dean, pointing at a structure surrounding the park. After leaning over to listen to an aide's whispers, Dean continued, "A wonderful monorail, providing clean and efficient transportation from here at the park...back around to the place you got on. Huh. Anyway, the park's made vague noises about installing a bigger coaster, and that's enough for me to promise $2 billion in federal aid." "Look, vote for me. I need to win Wisconsin." Dean is reportedly planning on promising national guard troop assistance to control the punks at Big Chief Karts and Coasters who keep ramming into other patrons' cars, and to make a vacation at Tommy Bartlett's Water Show mandatory for all U.S. citizens. He is also considering proposing tactical nuclear strikes on Six Flags Great America to increase Wisconsin tourist dollars. Posted at 9:19 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
War for Coaster-Themed Thong Domination Escalates Tensions were renewed today, as news leaked out that the Coasterbuzz website is not only offering a Coasterbuzz thong for sale, but has actually sold one. As members of Coasterbuzz proudly trumpeted their achievement in coaster thong sales, other webmasters vowed to strike back and sell more thongs than Coasterbuzz, no matter the cost. Also, several noted that the Coasterbuzz thong discussion was "pretty gross." "We can't understand why a mere fansite such as Coasterbuzz would be able to rise to the top of the world's coaster thong business with this one sale," noted Wonder Zone administrator Sangsook Pak through an interpreter. "Our thongs feature characters stolen from other parks and make wacky boinging sounds when you tug them out of your crotch." "We'll be needing to divert a lot more funds into development and advertising for our things," said ACE Secretary and Chief Member Berater Jeff Seifert. "We've done great with our muumuus, but we simply can't let a site like Coasterbuzz outsell us in the key market demographic of coaster thong wearers. Maybe we'll add super-small thongs for our members, or just sell some stained, used ones. After all, coaster lovers are often in the habit of buying stained and filthy coaster shirts on Ebay and at swap meets. Why not pee-soaked ACE thongs?" ARN&R itself was shaken to its very foundations by news of another website successfully selling a thong. "We've been offering a lovely Beast thong at our store for months," said an exasperated Editor in Chief. "Since ours come from Cafe Press, they are clearly of superior quality. I can't wait until this CB thong purchaser has their product dissolve in the midst of a chilly, moist Phoenix Phall Phunfest next year!" --JCK Posted at 1:49 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
BORG Attraction to be Highly Interactive According to Ty Granoroli, director of the forthcoming BORG Invasion 4D attraction set to open in Las Vegas, hints that visitors will receive an unprecedented level of interactive involvement. In an interview with startrek.com, Granoroli states that "[g]uests will literally experience what it's like to be assimilated by the Borg, the most menacing enemies in the Star Trek Universe." "We had no idea the ride would be quite this immersive," stated enthusiast Jen Giskahn, 29. "We figured there would be a film and some actors and neat effects, but this is well beyond that. Since 'literal' means 'within the strict meaning of' and 'to be interpreted verbatim,' this must mean that we will actually be assimilated by BORG! "I can't wait to have parts of my body literally ripped off so that I can literally have metal replace them. And I eagerly anticipate literally being probed in all sorts of uncomfortable bodily openings, and literally having large portions of my brain scooped out without anesthesia so computer processors can be literally rammed in there in place. And, of course, it will be fun to literally be made a part of a hive mind, where I will have no choice but to literally destroy entire civilizations and literally incorporate other sentient beings into the collective!" She concluded by noting, "the only bad thing is that we will only be able to experience this attraction once, because we will be literally be turned into evil cyborgs and all. But I'm sure that one ride will literally blow me apart!" --JCK Posted at 12:17 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
British Lodging Problematic for ACE Member Peter Wolf, 35, a member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, is planning an extended trip to England to ride roller coasters at parks such as Alton Towers, Blackpool Pleasure Beach, and Lightwater Valley. Unfortunately, he has been having trouble locating housing with fellow enthusiasts across the pond. “I don’t get it,” says Wolf. “I figured I’d just open up my ACE Membership Directory and call a bunch of British members. Surely our shared love of coasters and shovel-loads of greasy buffet foods would bridge any cultural gaps, and we’d get along great. I was surprised that, every time I called to see if anyone could house me, they burst into laughter and called me names.” “For instance,” he continues, “I called this one guy who lives in North London. We were having a nice chat, and then I asked if Alton Towers sells any fanny packs, or whether, because I’m tall, I would be in danger of getting my face bonked by anything there. This guy howled with laughter, called me a ‘poofter’ and a ‘Yankee git,’ and hung up. What the hell?” Sources close to ARN&R inform us that, to Brits, “fanny” is a very filthy term for the female anatomy, while “bonk” is a moderately rude word for the human sexual act. “Then there was this other enthusiast I called over there,” says Wolf. “All I did was ask if he had a shag carpet, and he cackled and called me a ponsey hairdresser. I don’t see what the deal is.” Wolf tells ARN&R that he may put off his trip to England. “If everyone there is going to laugh at things I say, then I don’t know if I’ll enjoy being over there,” he says. “Plus, I dunno, they seem a little more open than I’m used to. Like, the last guy I tried to call, he wasn’t home, and I got his wife. She told me she’d be happy to have him call me back in a few minutes, but right then he’d ‘stepped outside for a fag.’ That’s kind of TMI. I think I’ll try a trip to Canada or something.” Sources close to ARN&R inform us that “fag” is merely a slang term for “cigarette.” --JCK/VMA Posted at 2:58 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Monday, February 02, 2004
We Wonder What Moron Designed the Wonder Zone Website Although it bereaves us greatly to leave the awesome weirdness of the ARN&R Fanfic Pleasure Village 2000 behind as our Site O' the Weak, we must not tarry in our mission to present, for your edification, as many awful amusement park-related websites as humanly possible. With that in mind, bear witness to the supreme god-awfulness that is the official site for Wonder Zone Amusement Park, a Site O' the Weak for the ages. Yes, this is an actual "professional" webpage created for an actual theme park in Korea. Assuming your computer doesn't explode in a shower of sparks attempting to handle loading the massively active front page, enjoy (if that is the appropriate term) the day-glo colors, nauseatingly adorable characters, and the dizzying array of useless graphics. Be sure to have your volume turned well up on your speaker when you run your mouse over the menu items, or else you'll miss out on all those things that bounce around and go "Booooiiiinnnnnggggg!" And then you'd be denying yourself the full spectrum of terror this website can provide. The park map is also quite fun. First of all, there are all sorts of things that make loud sounds and burst into view if you scroll around a little with your mouse, and that's pretty damn irritating. But, more importantly, does anyone notice any ride names, logos, or mascots anywhere on the page that seem not to be the property of Wonder Zone Amusement Park? Note to Wonder Zone: sometimes a better and more famous amusement park creates a logo for itself or its rides or other properties. It is generally considered "in poor taste," "copyright infringement," and "stealing" if you use those same logos and names for rides in your crappy park. Just thought we'd let you know. And finally, we'd be remiss if we didn't direct you to the page for a particular hilariously-named ride at the Wonder Zone website. First problem: if you have a park in a nation where the language is not English, it's probably best not to concoct a name for a ride using random English words if you don't know what they mean together. Second problem: if you steal the logo used to represent another park, change one word in the logo, and use it for a ride at your park, it's still stealing. Sorry to be a killjoy. --JCK PS to Wonder Land: it is also really unwise to have ride names featuring the word "tang" anywhere in them. Posted at 10:33 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Six Flags, Recognizing Huge Success of Houston SuperBowl, Announces Upgrades for Astroworld PR Department SuperBowl XXXVIII, held at Houston's Reliant Stadium, turned the attention of the world to Houston, Texas, and Six Flags Inc. noticed. "We recognize that Houston is becoming an increasingly major tourist attraction, with world-class sports, arts, and commerce," declared the company in a press release. "In recognition of this, we'd like to announce that AstroWorld is a high priority for us and will continue to receive rides that we will describe in our press releases as excellent, exciting, and thrilling. Our announcements will continue to trumpet used and/or cloned rides from Vekoma, Arrow, S&S, and other occasionally competent companies as new, high-speed, and beloved. We will be certain to find at least two enthusiasts for each press day that will be eager to say the same. We believe this focus on continuing to describe our rides in thrilling terms is a way to show the level of respect and love we feel for the people of Houston." AstroWorld is expected to receive PR staff from Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom, which mastered the art of the press release in its description of a decades-old shuttle loop as its "newest megacoaster." Posted at 8:34 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Sunday, February 01, 2004
Time for the Big Game We know literally thousands of people will be looking to ARN&R to help celebrate their Super Bowl Sunday in style. Unfortunately, we have lots of other stuff to do. For instance, the Assistant Editor will be far too busy watching the Queer Eye marathon and then switching to the Super Bowl at the absolute last second so as to hopefully avoid viewing the insightful pre-game commentary of Phil Simms and Deion Sanders entirely. Also there will be beer. However, we feel bad about leaving you in the lurch, so we're presenting a Very Special Rerun of not one, but two exciting football-related articles from last season. Of course, we're way too lazy to update the names, so you'll need to be creative. For instance, the Bengals made the stunning leap from "bad high school practice squad" to "pretty mediocre" this year, so maybe the second article will be more topical if you substitute a rancid team from this year, such as the Arizona Cardinals, San Diego Chargers, or New York Giants. And, of course, Warren Sapp will still probably talk some trash, even though he's sitting on his ass watching the game because of the fact that his team was a bunch of chokers this season. So you can actually leave him in the first article, but then substitute various Panther and Patriot names where applicable. Have fun! Super Bowl Trash Talk Hits Bulletin Board As Super Bowl festivities get underway today, the Raiders have extra incentive for victory, in the form of taunts made by Buccaneers noseguard Warren Sapp. Sapp’s inflammatory comments immediately appeared on the Raiders bulletin board. A selection of Sapp’s inflammatory comments are reprinted below: “Yo, Charlie Garner sucks worse than Raging Wolf Bobs.” “Lincoln Kennedy is so fat people yell 'Free Willy' when he sits on the beach. I bet he’s a card-carrying member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts.” “Rich Gannon’s gonna be spending more time on his ass than the Rolling Thunder paint crew.” “I heard Bill Romanowski’s momma is so stupid, she likes it when the lap bar ratchets her down in the seat so she can’t get no airtime.” “Warren is doing his best with his antics to get under our skin, but it won’t work,” stated Raiders receiver Jerry Rice. “All he’s doing is giving us more incentive to win this game.” Rice added that Sapp has lots of really stupid coasters in his top ten list, and that “he can only fit his big ass in Row 5 of a B&M inverted coaster.” --JCK Cincinnati Bengals: "We're Going to Boardwalk and Baseball!" The refrain has been repeated for years: after the Super Bowl, the winners yell with delight, "We're going to Disneyland!" But the worst-in-league Bengals (2-14 this season) like to do things differently. So, instead of visiting the magical world of Disney, the players all decided they'd visit Boardwalk and Baseball, the long-defunct Haines Park, Florida amusement park. But the Bengals didn't know the park (formerly known as Circus World) had closed over a decade earlier. After getting to the park's former site, Bengals' almost-quarterback Jon Kitna shared his thoughts in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "I just remember thinking it was the greatest place in the world when I visited back in the early '80s with my family. I had no idea it had closed down, and I guess nobody thought to ask before we flew down there." The park now consists of the decrepit ruins of a baseball stadium, vast expanses of cracking concrete, and a stunning array of garbage left by nearby residents. During the ten-minute visit, three Bengals were bitten by rabid dogs, and at least a dozen were visibly crying. "Next year, it'll be different," said Kitna. "We'll win the Super Bowl, and then -- we're so totally gonna ride Thunderbolt at Coney Island!" Posted at 1:25 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
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