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Friday, January 30, 2004
New Club Formed for Nobel Prize-Winning Coaster Fans
The world is heavily laden with coaster enthusiast clubs, from the European Coaster Club to the Coaster Zombies to the largest group with the most abusive secretary, the American Coaster Enthusiasts.
However, until this point, there was no coaster club which catered specifically to Nobel Laureates in the field of literature. This glaring error was rectified by the recent creation of the Conglomerate for Roller Coaster Enthusiasts Who Have Won Nobel Prizes in Literature.
To gain entry into this club, coaster enthusiasts must pass the standard tests that would enable them to join any coaster club: they must maintain intricate lists about what their favorite kiddie suspended coaster is to ride on a rainy day in the fifth seat on the left, have a poor knowledge of how to please a member of the opposite sex, and maintain the ability to say "I want a monster woodie" without the slightest hint that it will make everyone around them laugh uncontrollably. However, what makes the CRCEWHWNPL so exclusive is that the members must have all won a Nobel Prize in Literature.
"Members of our club are able to share their common interests," notes recent Nobel winner John Maxwell Coetzee. "We get together for think tanks, and discuss works of art and poetry. Then we yell our asses off riding Magnum and dive face-first into the pork barbecue!"
But the highlight of the club, say most Nobel Laureate coaster fans, is their spectacular online forum, the Weepy Teen Angt Coaster Fan Poetry Symposium for Nobel-Winning Coaster Dudez.
"Where else can the world's greatest poets and novelists get together to share their beautiful words with each other in a mutually beneficial setting?" asked Kenzaburo Oe rhetorically. "We've had some beautiful sad poetry by Octavio Paz, who posts as Coaster Pimp. And then there are some gorgeous efforts from Joseph Brodsky (Disney Dan), Gabriel Garcia Marquez (cole), Elias Canetti (Xceleratorman14)and balroq, who I believe is Wole Soyinka."
"And we have something from Imre Kertesz (icoaster) that might win him another Nobel Prize," added Oe. "It's called my ultimate struggle, and it's all about the torture this character feels because he likes to jack it hard to porn."
"I almost wet my pants, that was so f***in' good," said Oe.
"However," said Oe. "We have some members who obviously think the poetry being traded on these Nobel coaster enthusiast forums is really stupid and pathetic. We've got some real jokers like Claude Simon (Alpenguy) and Seamus Heany (theirishdude05), who make up poems clearly intended to mock the weepy, amateur poetic efforts of their peers, as well as that wacky-ass prankster Naguib Mahfouz, who I am fairly certain is posting as seitanic, G-Rocks, aznspid3rman, enfynet, SFMWManic, and JulieBoolie just so he can write his special "read only the far left margin vertically" poetry all over page 1, page 2, page 3, and page 4, and poke fun the deeply profound and important works being regurgitated forth by the serious members of the Nobel forum, none of whom ever seem to get the joke."
"I would have thought that these great works of literature, being created from the depths of the human soul and experience, and being shared on this forum for peer evaluation by the great minds in the world of literature/coasters would be above this sort of behavior. But I guess these Nobel Laureates never change, do they?"
Thursday, January 29, 2004
Paramount's Ride Survey Offers Tough Choices
For those lucky enough to take Paramount's new ride survey, a tough choice had been laid before them. Theme a ride around the highly popular television show and movie franchise "The Addams Family," known and loved by families across America, or around a mediocre heist movie with Markie Mark called the "Italian Job," known and loved by my gay friend George.
Paramount hopes to follow this survey with another which will ask parkgoers to choose between two brand new possible menu selections: a spicy chicken sandwich or a hot piece of dog sh*t.
[Editor's Note: Perhaps fearing a taunting article from ARN&R, or, far more likely, just for reasons completely unrelated to us, Paramount has recently removed the actual survey from its website.]
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
Rollercoaster! Magazine Introduces “Letters to Rollercoaster!”
Rollercoaster! Magazine, the leading magazine for the self-aggrandizement of coaster enthusiasts nationwide, has introduced a new feature on the back page of every forthcoming issue that is sure to excite all of its subscribers. “Letters to Rollercoaster!” will feature the “real life” experiences of enthusiasts who write in to tell of their most outrageous coaster experiences. An advance mockup of the next issue has fallen into the hands of ARN&R, and we are happy to provide this titillating excerpt of the next issue’s feature:
I never thought this could happen to me, but boy was I wrong. It all started when I was at SFMM on a sunny afternoon. I had my croakie, my fanny pack, and my drool hankie – I was set for an afternoon of riding! When approaching Superman The Escape, I saw a lot of upset guests walking in the opposite direction of the ride.
Being an ACE member, I walked past the posted signs that the ride was closed and demanded that a ride op tell me what was wrong. She looked me up and down, smiled a private smile, and said, “We’ve been waiting for you, Jeremy,” and proceeded to lead me to a completely empty train. She let me adjust the restraint myself and then started the ride, with just me on it!
When the ride was over, I thanked her and started to leave. “Where do you think you’re going?” asked another ride op. “You’re not leaving here until you’ve ridden in EVERY SEAT of the train.” And then they rolled out a cart completely filled with barbecue pork! RollerCoaster!, I thought I had died and went to heaven. I rode alone on S:TE for hours, except when I was chowing down on the pork – that hanky really came in handy! None of my online friends at Westcoaster or Coasterbuzz believe me when I tell them this really happened, but I knew you would understand and print this letter.
RRC Newsgroup Participants Debate Existence of God, Homosexuality’s Place In Contemporary Society; Top Philosophers and Social Scientists Yet to Take Note
For reasons beyond the understanding of this reporter, top social scientists, politicians and philosophers have yet to take note of two recent threads posted on the roller coaster enthusiast newsgroup RRC.
The first, about 12 threads long, concerns a group of enthusiasts heatedly discussing the existence of God, while the second is a suggestively hot 287-thread-long discussion on protections for homosexuals in society and, in a larger sense, whether this behavior should be accepted and/or embraced.
In spite of the clear earnestness and seriousness of the participants involved with both of these discussions, top scholars have yet to take note of these debates at press time. Particularly puzzling is the lack of comment from major medical researchers on the groundbreaking theory posited by top RRC scholars that you "can pretty much get AIDS from just breathing the air in the same county as someone else who has AIDS."
"There hasn't been a debate that cuts to the core of such large and complex issues like this since the great "I Think Therefore I Am" debate in summer 1999 on rec.fan.gary-coleman" said noted internet observer Douglas Copeland. "I think it's just a matter of time before the big boys notice the obvious intelligence and quality of these discussions."
Some of the more notable philosophers and social scientists offering their incisive opinions in the thread, "AirtimeJunkie," "Rastus O'Ginga," and "Dead and Restless," were unavailable as of press time to comment.
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
"Rider Error" Controversially Blamed for Inability to Fit in PTC Train
In a move that enthusiasts have called "totally unfair," investigators and park management are attributing Jim Swanson's inability to fit on Cedar Point's Blue Streak to "rider error."
"Too many pork rinds, cheese-on-a-sticks, and Super Sized McDonalds Value Meals have made this man simply too large for our parks' trains," said Cedar Fair CEO Dick Kinzel. "I can only attribute this to the rider's error due to his willful insistence to continually jeopardize his health and his weight with his gluttonous eating habits."
Local enthusiasts venomously disagreed, citing the seat dividers on the PTC trains for Swanson's difficulties.
"Those seat dividers suck ass! Parks need to accomodate for guests of larger stature," said local enthusiast Mitchell Simons. "To state that this obvious accident is the fault of the rider is not only irresponsible corporate policy but also insensitive and hurtful to the riders' feelings."
"Now, that chick that got beamed in the head with the rock at Worlds of Adventure? That
was rider error. That dumb bitch should have ducked."
Monday, January 26, 2004
We were recently made aware of a very unusual website called the ARN&R Fanfic Pleasure Village 2000. Run by a Miss Brittany Lynn Swanson, this site appears to be a fan site about...well... us! (????)
After viewing this site, we can't think of too much to say, except:
After you tour through the front page's eye-mangling colors, perky language, confusing layout, bad MIDI file of "Baby One More Time," and some entertaining polls, be sure to explore the rest of the website in detail. Among the features of note are Brittany's own fanfic (sometimes spelled as "fanfuc"), the evocatively titled "Hosted ARN&R FanFic From Other People Besides Brittany," featuring a wide array of stories and poetry (our early favorite: "The Special Present From Shenji to Asuka"), a stunning photo exhibit, and more than enough other wacky pages to provide hours of giggles and knee slaps.
However, readers are hereby warned to be on guard against punishing color schemes, terrible music, and Miss Swanson's inability to delete the default headings on many of her pages.
Oh, and don't forget to browse Miss Swanson's always-hysterical forums. If you promise not to tell on us, we'll let you in on the little secret that Miss Swanson does not require you to register before posting.
We're so deeply flattered and moved by the honor of having such a fabulous site written about us, we decided to grant our "bestest fan" Miss Swanson the special prize of being our Site O' the Weak! Congratulations, Miss Swanson!
--The ARN&R Staff
[Editor's Update: As seems to be the case with Tripod accounts we make fun of, our visitors to Brittany Lynn's site have managed to blow out her bandwidth allocation within mere minutes. Please be patient and try again if you can't get through. Trust us: it'll be worth the wait.]
Enthusiasts Loudly Declare Hatred For, Constantly Visit, CoasterBuzz
Direct from a confidential source, word has reached ARN&R that enthusiasts at various online forums enjoy ripping into Coasterbuzz, but secretly feed their hideous addiction to the site by also reading it and linking to it on a regular basis.
Participants at the Westcoaster forums were amongst those who succumbed to the dreaded affliction, as a post about an ARN&R article turned into a discussion of how sucky Coasterbuzz is, interspersed with numerous references to specific current discussion threads at the hated website. Westcoaster members are so apoplectic with rage over how much Coasterbuzz blows, they even link to Coasterbuzz discussions that started on that very day.
Said one Westcoaster participant, "I loathe and despise Coasterbuzz. That's why I read it daily and quote from it liberally when I trash it on other forums."
Sadly, the affliction of Coasterbuzzitis was not limited to Westcoaster, but was felt in Theme Park Critic, as well. There, forum participants caught on to a rec.roller-coaster discussion of the same ARN&R article, as well as some anti-Coasterbuzz comments, and then began a discussion themselves of how much CB licks it. But, showing a more virulent strain of the condition, TPC members apparently did not stop at mentioning hatred of Coasterbuzz while talking about current forum topics there. No, they decided to go flame CB and actually participate in the CB forums in order to get attention from the website they so loathe.
"I hate Coasterbuzz so bad," said Mr. Govnoed of TPC. "I hate it so bad, in fact, that I'm going to talk about how useless CB is and how much CB sucks ass, and then I'm going to waste a substantial percentage of my free time posting things at Coasterbuzz and then bragging about it at TPC! Take that, Coasterbuzz!"
"We call this behavior 'The Ring Syndrome,'" says noted psychologist Dr. Dan Gandalf. "These forum participants both love and hate Coasterbuzz. It is their... precious."
--JCK (With Assistance From the ARN&R Supreme Commander for All Eternity and Editor in Chief)
[Editor's Note: For the original Coasterbuzz-themed article that started all this discussion on three different forums, see here. We better keep a watch on that MOS; he's already causing as much trouble as JCK.]
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.