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Saturday, January 24, 2004
Really Dumb Birds Put Stop to Santa Cruz Ride
Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk has been denied permission to build a proposed S&S Double Shot ride. City planners tell ARN&R that they cannot allow the ride "because the birds in Santa Cruz are really f***ing stupid."
Jack Ellwanker, a major critic of the addition of the ride and member of the Very Special Pelicans Network, spoke further about the matter with ARN&R:
This would be a travesty. Many people think it's pretty dumb to have the park blocked from building a new ride based on the assertion that endangered birds would whack into it and kill themselves. These people think the birds manage not to crash into buildings, telephone polls, trees, and statues, and therefore there is little danger posed by this new attraction. However, people don't realize that our birds here in California are really amazingly stupid creatures. They're f***ing idiots. They have the brain power of George W. Bush and Britney Spears's love child. It's quite likely that they'll be flapping along, staring at the pretty grass or picking their noses, and they won't notice the gargantuan, brightly lit and painted tower in front of them, and then they'll splatter all over it. We must protect our unbelievably stupid birds from their own imbecility!
Numerous ornithological experts were unable to tell ARN&R why Californian birds are so much stupider than those from the rest of the United States, but one speculated that "any state with people moronic enough to elect Arnold Schwarzenegger to anything would probably have some dumbass animals, too."
Friday, January 23, 2004
Local Coaster Enthusiast Strongly Recommends Single Ridership to Others Without Hint Of Irony; Sorrow
Academics report that local enthusiast Brian Yourvey offered this advice yesterday in response to a group of acquaintances complaining about long lines for "Batman the Ride" at Six Flags Great America:
"The problem is you're probably waiting on lines the wrong way. What's great about being a single rider is this: Wait in the line for the second car. Within one or two trains there will be a group of three and you can jump right on with them! No half hour extra wait for the front! Of course, if you are riding with other people you're out of luck," concluded a non-ironic Yourvey.
"Brian's use of the terms 'what's great about being a single rider' and defining people with actual friends as being 'out of luck' suggests to me an absolute lack of awareness of the utter pathos of his situation," reports noted sociologist Douglas Mahoney at Northern Illinois University, who has been surreptitiously following Yourvey for several months and plans to publish a book on Yourvey's approach to life.
"The obvious merits of experiencing an amusement ride with other humans seems lost on him. The camaraderie, the ability to talk to someone later about the ride experience, and the simple comfort of knowing the person next to you is not a complete stranger are advantages that seem completely lost on him, aside from his stunning inability to recognize that others might correctly view his situation as pathetic when later discussing his advice -- which, I note, was completely unrequested. I must strongly advise that Brian pursue sunlight outside of an amusement park, social gatherings, and regular bathing soon before it's too late."
The 35 year old Yourvey was unable for comment or to hear Mahoney's advice, however, due to currently being locked in his bedroom at his parents' house where, for the third consecutive day, he has been exploring the "Time Twister" add on pack for RCT2.
Posted at 8:40 AM | Link |
Thursday, January 22, 2004
Big Chief's Announces New Ride, Promises Same Old Terrifyingly Crappy Operations, Facilities
Wisconsin Dells-based go-kart and coaster facility Big Chief's announced this week that a new coaster -- "the tallest in the [ill-defined] midwest" -- would open in 2005. Land clearing has indeed begun, as an intrepid ARN&R reporter confirmed, irritating his family to no end.
But Big Chief (now to be called, in a remarkable bit of cultural dissonance, Big Chief Mt. Olympus Theme Park) assured its fans that adding the coaster wouldn't affect its commitment to safety and customer service: "We guarantee that we will continue to provide operations right up there with the scariest Kentucky county fair you can imagine and will continue to treat you like a small piece of dog crap."
Sources indicate that the park will continue to prominently display "NO INSURANCE - RIDE AT YOUR OWN RISK" signs, inspect seatbelts for wear and tear no more than once every two years, hire only employees rejected as lacking the interpersonal skills to work in a sewage line, and check riders' restraints only if a rider is, in fact, standing on his head in the train.
Additionally, the park will be working hard to cover any remaining land -- whether presently covered with grass or dirt -- with blacktop. "In an innvoation," said a park spokesman, "we'll actually be putting heating elements directly into the blacktop, so that even when it's not blazingly hot outside, our patrons will still be sweating up a storm everywhere in the park."
There is no word yet on whether Big Chief will follow Six Flags's lead and begin covering its restrooms with feces and urine.
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
Jackson Purchases Another New Ride
Still smarting from the hurt and bad feelings caused by his arrest for child molestation, Michael Jackson has again retreated to the simple childlike wonders of themed amusements.
As his personal life has unraveled, Jackson has relaxed at his Neverland Park by having children ride his Zipper and by purchasing a large package of new rides, and even stepped out of his property to surrender his passport and visit Pixyland. And Jackson couldn't stay out of the limelight for long, as he unveiled the exciting new attraction just added this week to Neverland.
"What?" asked Jackson, beginning to cry as reporters laughed so hard they began coughing up portions of their spleens. "It's very innocent and sweet. The children love to ride Donald Duck, and he's just turning around his head to help share pleasure with them. You're making me very upset and you are bad, evil people."
As with all other rides at Neverland, the new Donald Duck attraction will be free for any child who spends the night in King of Pop's bedroom.
--JCK (with Special Information-Locating Consultant DEC)
Welcome Armpit Stain Fans!
So sorry we don't have any of those hot armpit stain images you've been desperately cruising the web for, but please come enjoy some cruel satire of roller coaster enthusiasts anyway! It's basically the same thing, after all!
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Six Flags Great Adventure Rumored to be Building Ride "Bigger Than Dragster" in 2006, Says Guy Who Worked at Casa de Taco Stand Two Years Ago
Screamscape is reporting, in what is believed to be an exclusive, that Great Adventure will be building a launched roller coaster ride that is even larger then Top Thrill Dragster "sometime in, like 2006."
Screamscape's source, believed to be very reliable, is "that fat guy who worked at Casa de Taco like, 2 years ago." The fat guy, who will remain unnamed, claims that Great Adventure has had these plans for some time, that the coaster will be "like, totally 500 feet tall," will "like go underground and underwater and s**t," and "be so f***ing cool."
[Author's Note: Make sure to check Screamscape for more updates from reliable sources like the Casa de Taco dude and "that really hot Polish chick that used to work at the Cedar Point Hot Dog stand."]
Monday, January 19, 2004
It's That Time Again
It was tough to come up with a Site O' the Weak this time around, not because we've run out of ideas, but because there were just so many worthy candidates, we couldn't decide. We thought about using the amazingly stupid Coasterbuzz topic "Airtime is Overrated," but it's a little older and not so fresh. Then we were going to use the "How to Get Laid" forum discussion at AmericaCoasters, not because the original post is dumb--it's actually quite funny, and intentionally so--but because the ensuing conversation is so awful, and because numerous participants didn't seem to pick up on the fact that the topic was a joke from the start. Don't be so gullible, McFly.
But this topic was bounced at the absolute last minute by the awesome power of the Coasterdebates website. Although it appears to the untrained eye that this site has nothing whatsoever on it, the trained eye was able to locate a forum topic where the administrator closed the topic after being the only one to post! Just because it was fun!
Coasterdebates may only have one person posting anything, but it's already won a major award! The ARN&R Site O' the Weak!
Six Flags Tijuana Bows to Special Interest Pressure, Drops Latest Controversial Entertainment "The Wild West Donkey Show"
Facing mounting pressure and threatened organized consumer boycotts from groups as diverse as the American Family Association, the National Organization of Women, and People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, Six Flags Corporation has agreed to discontinue its newly premiered entertainment and variety special titled "The Wild West Donkey Show."
The show, which opened last month in the "Freaky Frontier" section of the park, featured a variety of singers and dancers performing "classic Tijuana songs and dances" culminating with what one SFT representative called "that most ancient of all forms of traditional Tijuana entertainment, the donkey show."
Kieran Burke, Chairman of Six Flags, stated in a press release "Six Flags regrets to announce the closing of the Wild West Donkey Show. Though Six Flags remains dedicated to providing quality entertainment tailored to each region in which our individual parks reside, we also respect the continued consumer participation of large special interest political groups."
The show will run through the end of the month at the Frontier Backalley Saloon, which is situated behind the Premier LIM Shuttle "Penicillin Shot" and to the left of SFT's highly themed S&S Space Shot, the "Big Boner."
Posted at 8:35 AM | Link |
Sunday, January 18, 2004
Coastaplaya's Enthusiast S&M Palace Shut Down
Much to the anti-delight of billions of amusement industry fans (well, at least those of us at ARN&R; we can't speak for anyone else), Coastaplaya's Enthusiast S&M Palace was closed down late this week.
The Palace was opened on January 5th, and was cleverly disguised as a Coasterbuzz topic titled "Park Enthusiasts or Snobs?" Initially the forum topic was primarily a bunch of people whining and pointing fingers and saying they don't like other enthusiasts, or they are better enthusiasts than other people, or someone's opinion sucks. The usual boring stuff. Plus a bizarre extended discussion of drinks, for some reason. But then the S&M Palace kicked into high gear.
"I've been enjoying tormenting stupid people for years," 'Playa informed ARN&R. But it never occurred to me that I could make a fortune doing it. People should know by now not to f*** with me, but in this stupid topic they kept coming, one right after the other, to get some punishment. I finally figured it out...they actually like getting pimp-slapped! The only explanation for why they keep lining up is that they enjoy being humiliated. It arouses them. That's why I opened my club, so these poor saps could pay me their hard-earned cash and I could torture them. And then I could also charge sadists to watch it all and laugh their asses off. Everyone was happy."
"Especially me," added the 'Playa.
The first masochist to enter the hallowed halls of Coastaplaya's Enthusiast S&M Palace was dexter, who received a thorough and painful whipping from Coastapalya's own paddle. And then he got some more. And he even came back for thirds. "The electrified nipple clips were almost more than the poor boy could take," added 'Playa. "But not quite."
Following the positive experience of the Palace's opening client, dozens of enthusiasts cheerfully lined up for their torture at the hands of 'Playa. Among the sad fools who queued up to have their egos flensed were booya (over and over) and dexter (again), Nitro Dave and booya (even more), and Nitro Dave (again) and dexter (yet again!). Aside from the verbal abuse each idiot received, 'Playa's hand-picked, leather-clad Minions of Agony would ball-gag each enthusiast, then proceed to whip him, beat him, and inform him, in no uncertain terms, that he was no good.
Particularly naughty enthusiasts would also be selected for Apollo Andy's Charity Dunking Booth, a feature later added by popular request.
Sadly, coaster forum authorities, acting in consultation with Coasterbuzz moderator Jeff Putz, made the decision to close the topic after ten amazing pages. "Sadism, masochism, and bondage are not things I want Coasterbuzz to be associated with," said Putz. "Those are some twisted, sick f***s. What's next? Group sex? Bestiality? Requests for threesomes?"
Coastaplaya was reflective after his S&M Palace was shut down. "It was fun while it lasted," he said, staring off into the clouds with a faraway look upon his face. "Lots of fun, lots of cash. Sure, I'm upset that the thing was shut down by the police. But I'm smart enough to get an S&M club going in another topic almost any time I feel like it. If enthusiasts are going to be jumping up and down, raising their hands and going 'Oooh! Ooooh! 'Playa thwacked me mercilessly, too! Don't forget about me!' I'm pretty sure business will be brisk next time, too.
"Or," he added, "I might just leave all this S&M stuff behind and open a restaurant. We can invite some Putz stalkers and have Pancake Day. That might be fun."
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
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We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.