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Saturday, January 17, 2004
Insignificant Item Goes Missing, Enthusiasts Soil Pants
Millions of coaster enthusiasts have soiled their pants with terror and worry the past week, as news slipped out that the Six Flags Great America Demon has had three stupid f***ing flag poles removed from its lift hill.
"This is the first time I've explosively evacuated my bowels into my undies since at least eleventh grade," stated a visibly upset Steven Horner, 19. "I will have this day burned into my eyes, and sphincter, for decades. I was driving along the interstate past Six Flags Great America, admiring the gorgeous view of a respendent, shining, headbanging Demon, when....then I noticed something was wrong....Oh God! How could this be? There were....there were....flag poles missing from the lift hill! Oh, the humanity." Horner then began sobbing violently.
"I only learned about this national tragedy today at rec.roller-coaster," stated Arthur Wiggenbottoms, 48. "I have been through six pairs of panties in just a few hours. I'll be sitting there, and all of a sudden...WHAM...I'll get nervous thinking about those poor flag poles and what the park could possibly be doing with them and I'll just urinate all over myself. I'm ashamed, but the park should be more ashamed of what they've done to the American way of life by removing those flag poles."
He added, "oops, I just got worried about those beautiful, important flag poles again. Excuse me." He then walked funny in the general direction of his bathroom.
"Who wouldn't feel terrified knowing that a major theme park has taken down some flag poles?" asked Peter Wolf, 14. "This is very important and troubling stuff. It made me so upset that this park could betray us in this manner that I squeezed my lemon so the juice ran down my legs, if you catch me drift. But that only relaxed me for a few minutes, and then I was uncomfortable and worried again. Plus my pants were covered in my love batter."
A Six Flags Great America spokesperson issued a statement that claimed the park would "not be holding a press conference to discuss why we took down three stupid f***ing flag poles" and added that enthusiasts "really just need get laid or something."
Friday, January 16, 2004
Symposium Lineup Released for NoCoaster Event
(Willowbrook, IL) The final schedule for lectures and events for ACEs 25th annual NoCoaster event has been finalized. The esteemed list of speakers includes friend of ARN&R Dr. Dikembe Billy-Bob Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III, who will be delivering the keynote presentation. Based on his latest research findings on the social life of Coaster Enthusiasts, Rittenhouse Arumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III will be presenting new research reported first right here at ARN&R that should give lonely enthusiasts, if not lonely coasters, hope for a fulfilling relationship.
While speakers may change, ARN&R has obtained from a source deep within ACE the list of Enthusiast-Development workshops being offered:
Sunday, 9:00 AM -9:45 AM
Salon I - Going Light On The Gravy: An Enthusiast's Guide to Smorgasbord Etiquette
Salon II - The Truth About Airtime, Or Your Ass Was Not More Than An Inch Off The Seat
Sunday, 10:00 AM 11:15 AM
Salon I - Queer Eye For The Enthusiast Guy - How To Accessorize Your XXL Coaster Shirts with Special Guest Carson from QEFTSG!
Salon II - Coming to Grips With Three or More Clicks
Sunday, 2:00 PM 3:15 PM
Salon I - Sensitivity Training for ACE Officers Private Session
Salon II - Skirting copyrights to enhance your coaster video.
ACE officials are positive that enthusiasts will be enriched and entertained between mouthfuls of whatever is placed in front of them.
--MMS (with data and panflute solo provided courtesy of MJS)
BORG: The Day Imposed
We are the BORG. We have overtaken this website. We will combine the uniqueness of this site with ourselves. As we have assimilated a feeble, used Vekoma roller coaster and rethemed it as BORG Assimilator at Paramount's Carowinds, today is declared BORG: The Day. Observe breaking news about BORG and related projects over toward your left throughout the day. Prepare to be assimilated. Resistance is futile.
Thursday, January 15, 2004
Scientific Researchers: "Riding Roller Coasters Gives You Beer Goggles"
According to an actual published scientific article, roller coaster riding gives you beer goggles. Or, in scientific mumbo-jumbo, you undergo some "roller-coaster-induced excitation transfer."
The paper, written by psychologists Meston and Frohlich at the University of Texas-Austin, is titled "Love at first fright: partner salience moderates roller-coaster-induced excitation transfer," and is readily available in abstract form at Pubmed.
According to the research team, numerous amusement park patrons were approached as they were getting on or exiting a roller coaster. Quoting the abstract directly:
Participants were shown a photograph of an average attractive, opposite-gendered individual and asked to rate the individual on attractiveness and dating desirability. Participants were also asked to rate their seatmates' levels of attractiveness. Consistent with the predictions of excitation transfer theory, for males and females riding with a nonromantic partner, ratings of attractiveness and dating desirability toward the photographed individual were higher among persons exiting than entering the ride.
"This is good news for coaster enthusiasts the world over," stated American Coaster Enthusiasts Special Secretary in Charge of Insulting ACE Members and Assuring Them Their Opinions are Quite Unimportant Jeff Seifert. "We all know that it's basically impossible for these drooling herds of idiots to actually hook up and score with anyone.
"This study shows us that all any coaster enthusiast needs to do is shovel that bag of fried Oreos down the hatch, belch, fart, pull those black dress socks out of the flip-flops, and just grab a seat next to any random nubile babe or hunk of manbeef. No matter how horrifically unattractive the enthusiast is, as long as he or she drools on him or herself and assaults their seatmate with useless banter about sad, poor, lonely coasters after the coaster ride is complete, not before, they are almost certain to get themselves some trim."
[Author's Note: Who would have thought that the Pubmed website would be a veritable treasure trove of amusement value? But it is! In addition to the actual article quoted above, a brief search revealed 53 hits for "wanker," an article with authors named "Cock" and "Shanks," another article which seems to strongly imply that beavers prefer sticks that are moist, and one last one with a title a little too nasty to include in our pristine, child-friendly pages.]
SFGAdv's Pendulum Departure Boosts Career of Montreal Expos Outfielder
Tim Black, the eccentric General Manager holding the reins behind Six Flags Great Adventure, is widely known for his lucrative business deals that don't really, technically speaking, create any value for the company's stockholders. Known better as Great Adventure's "Crazy Uncle Who No One Invites to Dinner," Tim Black is continuing his trend of trading away his newly purchased flat-rides for small, insignificant objects, and this time Pendulum (a Huss Frisbee) is the one on the line.
Pendulum, which operated next to Great Adventure's popular LIM-launched coaster, Batman and Robin: The Chiller (which doesn't operate all that often next to Pendulum), was one of the several new flat-rides installed for the 1999 season. Still in its teething years, Pendulum just finished being disassembled and packaged for freight transport across the border. According to reliable sources, Tim Black traded the Huss flat in exchange for a near-mint Matt Cepicky baseball card with a 10-year-old Mexican boy in a transaction conducted entirely in a suburban New Jersey McDonald's restroom.
Regarding comitting a business deal with a child, Black insists that the boy made an offer he couldn't refuse, especially under the pretenses of the negotiation. "He was a fast talker. I wasn't too sure what he was saying since I mostly slept through Spanish in high school, but I could tell that he knew the score. Like most boys his age, I knew he went into that McDonald's bathroom with the intent of leaving with ownership of a Huss Frisbee." As for his half of the deal, Black reports that he is "quite pleased with the baseball card" and that he has "been meaning to start collecting those things."
Matt Cepicky, the Montreal Expos outfielder whose baseball card was involved in this bathroom transaction, says that this is the sort of thing that is going to give his career a kick in the right direction: towards the field. Matt hopes that the spread of his baseball card will give his bosses the incentive to allow him to play a few games in the 2004 season. Matt says that "this is the sort of thing that can make a guy a hall-of-famer."
Manual Ortega, the 10-year-old-boy who traded away his baseball card to Tim Black, plans to properly staff the ride in his backyard with operators and maintence personel.
Ortega is being considered to replace Black as Great Adventure's General Manager for the 2004 season.
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
Welcome to Our Planet, Brian Ramsey!
From the "What the hell was that about?" category comes this e-mail, from one Brian Ramsey at a UK e-mail address:
WE ARE MOST UPSET BY THE USE O9F [sic] OUR FAMOUS BAND'S NAME THIS E MAIL CARRIES A LARGE PEICE [sic] OF OUR DRUMMERS [sic] NASAL DROPINGS [sic] WHICH WILL CLOG YOUR CHIP ANS [sic] NOT YOUR FISH.
Well, ah, em, er. If had any idea what your band's name was, or really if we had any idea what the hell you were talking about, we would...well, we'd probably make fun of you anyway, if for nothing else for that "nasal dropings" thing. But as it is, we'll just shrug and say, in a loud and clear voice: Huh?
These Aren't the Droids You're Looking For
Once in a while, we get to browsing our logbooks here at ARN&R, and we're generally perplexed with the weird internet searches through which people locate our humble amusement park satire. Amongst the thousands (you think we're kidding, don't you?) of requests for information about Paris Hilton and her various skanky activities, as well as the ever-present quest for information on Jessica Alba belching, we've lately noticed these bizarre searches:
Star Jones Stomach Staple
Kyan Douglas Jersey
This just seems odd. Does Bravo Network make jerseys bearing a team name or number for any of the Queer Eye stars? It seems unlikely, since they tend to trash any sports apparel they find in the homes of the guys they make over. In any case, we're sorry to report that we do not carry any Kyan Douglas-themed products. However, we do have a lovely ARN&R Trucker Cap and Beast Thong amongst our Winter line of products at the ARN&R Online Shoppe.
Halle Barre in Boxing Outfit
If you're going to have a fetish, it might as well be specific...
Hazing Details and Pictures
Aw, s**t. Did some frat boy jackass find our site by accident? Sorry, this webpage is not a primer for how you can be a more successful date-rapist, get your penis branded with a coat hanger, commit noise ordinance violations, or piss off the roof of your frat house on people. Go away.
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
Coasterbuzz to Add Three More Popup Windows to Total Six Windows Every Click, Announces New Partnership With Kazaa, Cydoor
Coasterbuzz, a website already much maligned for its 3+ popup windows on every click of a link, has announced that it will soon be adding three more popup windows per click. In addition, Coasterbuzz will begin running ActiveX controls within two of the windows that will automatically install Cydoor and the Kazaa Media Desktop Manager on the user's machine.
"Look, doing this website isn't free; we generate a lot of traffic," said owner Jeff Putz when reached for comment. "If someone wants to 'Opt Out, they can do so by paying me. In cold hard cash. It's all about the Benjamins, baby. BOOYAH!"
Putz received additional criticism for creating the new popups approximately one month before he announced he was doing so, thereby infecting approximately 22,000 computers with the Cydoor spyware trojan without their awareness.
"Look," Putz declared, "if they are coming to my site and not paying me money, they deserve whatever inconveniences they get. These leeches just take and take; they don't understand how much hard work it is for me to take five minutes out of my day to take a three-sentence blurb out of my Google News Alerts. It's really hard work that I deserve to be well compensated for."
Putz then added that anyone who complained about the spyware, or offered any information on how to remove it or to block popups on the Coaterbuzz forums would be immediately banned and the thread deleted.
Putz concluded by stating, "It's about time that these parasites learn that my site is not about them or their opinions or their computers not having spyware, it is about me, my opinions, and my need to make my site about as annoying and frustrating to navigate as a gay fetish porno site. Understood? Good! Thread closed!"
Prepare to be Disturbed
When we introduced our new Site O' the Weak feature a few months back, we initially conceived of the idea as a helpful way to direct amusement park fans to "the greatest waste of coaster-related web space we can find." Ever since that first one, which made reference to an idiotic discussion where some bozo claims a lapbar isn't enough to hold you in a coaster seat, we've always used an actual terrible website, rather than a forum topic, as our Site O' the Weak.
However, we never made any specific rule that states that we can't use a particularly wretched forum discussion as the SOW. And, this week, we have located just such a forum discussion. At the Great Adventure Source Forum, the boys have a poll going about whether they would rather screw Sigourney Weaver in Alien or the Alien in Alien. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
By the way, the Alien is, as of this writing, kicking Sigourney's ass with 85.71% of the vote. Sigourney is not exactly likely to knock Jessica Alba and Katie Holmes out of the AbsolutelyReliable Hot Tub or anything, but come on.
If this isn't the greatest waste of coaster-related web space we could find, we don't know what is. Actually, it might be the greatest waste of web space, period. We proudly link to it as our Site O' the Weak.
By the way, the award goes specifically to the forum topic. We were far too lazy to bother checking out the rest of the site, so we can't confirm whether it is filled with majestic splendor or whether it stinks. We'd appreciate it if someone could email us and let us know. Thanks!
Monday, January 12, 2004
Six Flags Great America Gets Spinning Coaster; Six Flags Elitch Gardens Gets Halfpipe Coaster; Six Flags Astroworld Gets New Paint and Socks
While capital spending is down throughout Six Flags properties, Six Flags Inc. is showing a continued commitment to growth and rewarding parks that perform with additional investments.
Nowhere is that commitment more evident than in three purchases: a Reverchon spinning mouse coaster for Six Flags Great America, an Intamin "halfpipe" coaster -- the first in North America -- for Six Flags Elitch Gardens, and several gallons of new paint and up to a dozen new pairs of socks for Six Flags Astroworld.
Insiders at the Houston park are beside themselves with glee. "You know, after getting that great coaster last year we didn't think we could ever do better," said a highly-placed source on the condition of anonymity. "But this freakin' rules! The reason nobody likes Batman: The Escape has nothing to do with it being a short and boring ride with transitions like Plan Nine from Outer Space -- nope, that's not it. It's because it needs new paint! And our socks have really been getting old, and these new ones are nice -- 100% cotton, a variety of patterns, good and thick."
Despite the source's enthusiasm for the socks, other sources indicate that the park chain has not yet made a final determination on the makeup or design of the socks, and that in fact up to sixty percent of the socks may be made of polyester.
Sunday, January 11, 2004
ARN&R Now Available in Shizzle-Vision
Due to an exclusive partnership with Snoop Dogg: Tha Shizzalator, ARN&R is proud to announce that we are now available in Shizzle-Vision. Please have a look at our front page in this exciting new bonus format! (Just type in "absolutelyreliable.com" and Shizzolate! It's that easy!) And all of this comes free to you, our loyal subscriber, at no extra cost!
Bush Confident U.S. Forces Will Locate Weapon
United States Dictator for All Eternity George W. Bush announced today that U.S. Forces, or perhaps Coalition troops from Trinidad & Tobago or Palau or Macedonia, would definitely be uncovering secret Iraqi weapons any second now.
"We have very creditable evidences that there are indeed a weapon, and that the Iraqis were planning on to using them and that we will have them real soon like so it was real good we stopped them," Bush babbled to reporters.
"We have very strong proof that Iraq had developed a launched, inverting bobsled coaster," said Bush, picking his nose. "The development of this weapon for use in the worldwide coaster wars would have endangered the freedom-loving peoples of Iraq and of our great nation and our coaster manufracturating firms, and it had to be stopped. We just need to find this prototype which definitely exists but we just have not founded it yet but it's really there. Another seventeen years over there and I'm totally sure we'll locate it. Or plant one of our own, if we need to."
Bush also added that he had received "really accurate and not at all made-up" reports from "some dude" that indicate the U.S. may need to invade Russia to locate and destroy a wood coaster that jumps over spaces in the tracks, Finland to eliminate the threat posed by a launched backward stand-up coaster, and Utah to "stop the potential coaster war danger posed by that awesome twenty-year-old, never-purchased Arrow Pipeline prototype they always love to show in the coaster specials on TV."
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.