- - -
Thursday, February 26, 2004
"Letters to Rollercoaster!" Returns
Following the impressive debut of "Letters to Rollercoaster!," a new section of Rollercoaster! Magazine that features the �real life� experiences of enthusiasts who write in to tell of their most outrageous coaster experiences, the magazine has announced that the feature will indeed be a regular part of future issues of the world's leading magazine for coaster enthusiast self-love. ARN&R has obtained an advance copy of one of the letters set to appear in the upcoming issue:
It was a dark and stormy night. I knew something amazing was about to happen to me, but I did not know what it was yet. I was experiencing the wonders of Islands of Adventure. Naturally I was alone, because it's best to visit amusement parks without the burden of stupid friends who slow you down and prevent you from getting on Hulk and Doom the maximum number of times.
Because of the rain, I was unable to continue riding the roller coaters. Initially this was a catastrophe. Not riding coasters all day is like the end of the world, as you all know. But then I made the fateful decision to go ride Cat in the Hat instead of sulking, like a weaker man would have done when faced with as much as 20 minutes of time not spent riding coasters or jacking off.
I went through the queue. The ride op asked how many, and I told her "just one." She looked at me funny, and I thought maybe she would make fun of me for being at an amusement park alone, like all the other girls. But then she smiled and said, "Hang on, there's another single rider I can put with you."
Then I sat in the front seat of Cat in the Hat, and the most gorgeous creature sat down beside me. She was a striking brunette with dark blue eyes and full breasts, and she immediately asked me what my favorite Immelman was in the whole world. As out eyes locked, I could tell this meeting was a special time.
The lapbar came down, but I noticed that it left plenty of room. We were all alone on the ride. I knew what I was thinking, and I was pretty sure I knew what she was thinking. Soon our clothes were off, and we were totally doing it on Cat in the Hat, while still, of course, safely secured by the lapbar, so don't print letters from people saying we weren't being safe. It was great fun, but of course the spinning parts were kind of difficult on the lovemaking. Then we got our clothes on and the ride finished. She kissed me and then wandered off into the Port of Entry. I never even knew her name, so I just call her My Angel.
Several friends of mine have laughed that I never joined the Mile-High Club like they had. But now I have something on them. I'm the only one among anyone I know who is a member of the Dr. Seuss club! Thanks, My angel, and thanks, IOA for a great time!
I hope you print my letter.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.