- - -
Saturday, November 29, 2003
Six Flags Corporation Enters Deal with Homeland Security
In an unprecedented move, Six Flags Corporation has announced an exclusive contract with the United States government, specifically the Department of Homeland Security, to take charge of the detainees at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. In recent months U.S. relations with the tiny communist country have been strained, and the military had been looking for another place to house the suspected terrorists.
Six Flags came to the rescue yesterday by announcing that it would house all of the nearly 600 detainees at Six Flags America in Largo, Maryland. "We figured with the government trying to privatize everything from transportation to education, the time was ripe for one of America's most prominent business to help in the war on terrorism," said the park's Operations Manager Jeremiah Charmichael. "We have the perfect setting right here for detaining people indefinitely."
More impressive is that the park will remain open to the public during the normal season. "This should be a great opportunity to increase Park throughput," Charmichael claimed. "We'll have the detainees caged on a platform near our popular Superman roller coaster. Our guests will be encouraged to show their true American colors by jeering at the helpless prisoners, hurling insults and spitting upon them." Charmichael smiled. "There's nothing more American than inflicting misery onto others. Six Flags prides itself in being a world leader in this area."
To insure that neighboring communities are safe from any security threat, Charmichael said that the corporation will need only a modest investment in razor wire to surround the park grounds. S&S Power, Inc., has been contracted to build four observation towers where specially trained Six Flags security officers will stand guard with high-powered rifles.
"We want to stress," continued Charmichael, "that guests will continue to experience the same quality and safe Six Flags experience that they've come to expect at our park."
After the park has closed to the public, government agents will arrive to resume interrogating the detainees. "Some of their methods have not been as effective as they would have liked," stated Charmichael, referring to the agents. "We here at Six Flags America are in a unique position to offer serious persuasion to the detainees."
Uncooperative detainees will be able to experience the park's Mind Eraser for twelve hours non-stop. Other persuasion devices at the park include the Rodeo, Riddle Me This and the Octopus. "The possibilities are endless!" said a beaming Charmichael.
"Can you imagine what progress we'd make on the war on terror if we placed a detainee on Two Face for hours on end sitting opposite two ACE members who just had an all-you-can-eat buffet? I'm no military expert, but I'd say we'd have this war on terror licked in no time!" Additionally, the detainees will not be allowed to purchase Fast Passes to board the rides.
"They'll have to wait in line like everyone else. The two-hour queues will give them time to think about their actions and repent the error of their ways."
For its contribution, Six Flags Corporation will be eligible to receive matching government funds to assist in its ride relocation programs.
"It's a win-win situation all around," Charmichael proclaimed. "The United States asserts its status as a world leader in the fight against terrorism, and Six Flags continues its proud tradition of providing unique guest experiences."
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
Special Holiday Rerun
There might be plenty of updates over the next two or three days here, but considering the strong possibility of certain ARN&R editors being in Mississippi and certain other ones spending most of the rest of the week either intoxicated or in the midst of a savage food coma, we figured we'd give you a special rerun just in case.
Enthusiast Has Wretched Holiday
According to self-described “coasterholic” Pete Brody, 28, his Thanksgiving holiday with his family was “a complete waste.” The jobless member of ACE, Coaster Zombies, and nearly a dozen online coaster clubs, failed “miserably” in his efforts to direct the Thanksgiving conversation to amusement parks and roller coasters.
“You’d think we might talk about something interesting when the whole fam gets together,” whined Brody. “I even did some things to stimulate conversation about my interests, like leaving the computer’s browser on Thrillnetwork, wearing my European Coaster Odyssey t-shirt to dinner, and leaving 20 or 30 onboard coaster photos lying around, but it didn’t work.”
Brody was most upset that his family seemed more interested in the “stupid crap” that his siblings had been involved in. His older brother Michael is an advertising executive who recently became engaged to an Olympic gymnast, his sister Cynthia placed second in the Van Cliburn Piano Competition, and his other sister Marcia just returned from a two-year Peace Corps mission helping to provide medical care for disease-ravaged Ugandans.
“I do important things, too,” declared Brody. “I mean, I rode my 242nd coaster on the Coaster Odyssey…a really good SLC. I make lots of important posts to ThemeParkCritic.com that everyone says are really good. I send off a job application a couple times a year, mostly to S&S and Intamin for design positions. And I came all the way here just to be with my family, so you’d think they could notice me,” the exasperated enthusiast stated, waving his hand toward the basement steps in his parents’ house, which he had successfully negotiated all the way from his well-worn mattress up to the first floor.
“Did anyone care what I think about CCI shutting down? Did anyone ask about my top ten suspended coasters? Did a single family member inquire whether I’d enjoy modeling my newly monogrammed ACE jacket for them? No, no, and no. We have to go on for hours about piano recitals and wedding arrangements. And especially Marcia’s dumb thing in Africa. There aren’t even any coasters in Africa! But Marcia’s always been their favorite, the little goody two shoes. It’s not fair.”
“Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!” Brody added in a hysterical wail.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Zeta-Jones Sues Over Link to Coaster Enthusiasts
Movie star and lawsuit enthusiast Catherine Zeta-Jones may sue various tabloid publications that imply she has used the Atkins diet, currently one of the most popular diets among coaster enthusiasts.
Zeta Jones, the star of the hit movie Chicago, vehemently denies using the low-carb diet in order to fit in the seats of Dueling Dragons after the birth of her second child. She also claims she has never taken dieting advice from a member of ACE or Coasterbuzz, let alone looked at or spoken to a coaster enthusiast. When questioned, her attorneys said they “intend to pursue claims on her behalf against each and every publication and/or coaster enthusiast organization responsible for the creation and initial growth of these false and damaging stories.”
When Ms. Zeta Jones was contacted for a comment on the coaster enthusiast community, she simply said, “ew.”
[Editor's Note: For more of coverage of Catherine Zeta-Jones, please see article about her giving the bird to Montu cameras and search involving wrestling and sloppy porridge.]
Site O' the Weak
We got a little busy here at the AbsolutelyReliable Mansion, Country Club and Polo Grounds here lately, so we neglected to change our illustrious Site O' the Weak last week. Fortunately, the Scratch Park website, our previous pick, really is amazingly crappy. If anyone's going to be stuck there being mocked by ARN&R for two weeks straight, well, why not that site?
But we digress. With the exception of the designed-by-slow-children S&S site, we've kind of been picking on bad sites by enthusiasts for most of the run of the Site O' the Weak, but this time we showcase a professioanlly-designed corporate website so cretinously, vomitously awful that we can't believe we've failed to honor it yet: SixFlags.com.
Six Flags is obviously nervous about anyone actually getting to any pages within the site that could actually provide information, as their crack team of experts has created the most slow-loading, overblown, unwieldy front page ever. All those splashy colors, flashing ads, and zooming text sure make things easy to navigate!
Those trying to locate something useful, like, oh, say, when a park is open, are forced to experience page after page of Flash interfaces, confusing directions, and the impossiblity of skipping most of these stupid steps, all before reaching actual park pages, where one can...oh, be assaulted by more splashy colors, more confusing directions, more flashing ads, and more zooming text, plus exciting rollover park hour graphics that can only be cycled through one month at a time, in order, which might make it slightly irritating to plan a trip in October if you came across the Six Flags site in March. And we would spend some time discussing all the factual errors and poor editing at Sixflags.com, but our computer has unfortunately just threatened to ritually disembowel us with a wooden spoon if we don't immediately close down the window where we currently have their site running. Another time, perhaps.
Congratulations Six Flags! You may be a corporate monstrosity with massive debt and no concern for customer service, but at least you're the ARN&R Site O' the Weak!
Monday, November 24, 2003
You Got to our Website HOW????!?!?!?!?!?
As our loyal reader knows by now, we have a great time checking our stat logs to see how people blundered into actually viewing ARN&R (generally it's because they were searching for something to whack off to, be it naked starlets or Top Thrill Dragster photographs). Amongst the rather standard fare, we found two examples today that were particularly stunning:
-One person located us yesterday by asking Jeeves about "Jessica Alba dissociative disorder," whatever the heck that is. Is this some bizarre new psychological condition? Is it catching? Most importantly, does it involve Jessica Alba parading around in our apartment naked?
-As you may be aware, we're quite popular with people searching for "Paris Hilton crotch" on the internet, but who would have thought we'd manage to get hits from people who want to see Paris Hilton's crotch, but can't even spell her name right. Well, we don't judge people here. All of you people with questionable taste, and even you people with questionable taste who can't spell "Hilton" correctly are welcome here at ARN&R!
Sunday, November 23, 2003
Michael Jackson Adds Large New Package
As detailed in this month's Amusement Business, Michael Jackson has just announced the purchase of an exciting new package of rides for his Neverland amusement park. Neverland is Michael's own personal amusement venue, which he "shares with the young tail that comes to visit his ranch," according to Jackson spokesman Carl Johnson. Johnson went on to state that "Michael has been having trouble the past few days getting these sweet children to come visit him so they can ride his Zipper up and down and over and over, like he enjoys so much. So he's decided to increase the visits from eager and flexible youngsters by adding a thrilling set of new attractions."
The additions are the largest such package ever purchased by Jackson for his amusement park, an investment greater than any single expenditure by Jackson, save for paying off people who accuse him of molesting their children and creating ever more frightening noses. Reportedly, the additions to Neverland include all the following flat rides:
-Shot 'N Drop
-Ring of Fire
-Bulgy the Whale
"The sweetness and charming innocence of these new rides will certainly fill children with wonder," said spokesman Johnson. "And then Michael can fill their pants with his hands. Everyone wins."
A Little Hiatus, Maybe
A couple of us are heading off to the nether regions (read: Mississippi and the like), so we may be updating a bit less often. We are certain this will cause much gnashing of teeth, but we assure you: you will get through it.
But hopefully, some IAAPA updates will be coming soon, if our exclusive IAAPA correspondent manages to awaken from the drunken revelry we presume is occurring.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.