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Friday, November 21, 2003
Michael Jackson Spotted at California Amusement Park
Sources exclusive to ARN&R have confirmed a Michael Jackson sighting Wednesday at Pixieland Amusement Park in Concord, CA. According to eyewitnesses, Jackson looked disoriented as he wandered around the Frog Hopper, asking various guests if they knew where he could find someone named Randy.
Park security was notified of Jackson’s presence and stepped in immediately to get the King of Pop away from any small boys. Jackson created a distraction by pulling off his nose, and then escaped.
Our sources think that Jackson confused the Pixieland theme park, a wonderful place for children of all ages, with Pixyland, a website operated by Randy Constan, an adult male who enjoys dressing as Peter Pan.
The California Sheriff’s Office has been notified and the ‘man’ hunt still continues as of press time.
ARN&R Editor Incredibly Lame
ARN&R's Editor in Chief and Supreme Naval Commander recently recognized the truth: he's incredibly lame.
The insight came on a business trip to Cincinnati. While paging through the hotel's tourist guide, he came across a sidebar advertising Paramount's Kings Island. Rather than continuing to page through the glossy magazine, perhaps finding a gallery to visit or an historic house to explore, he spent a full minute in alternating shock and amusement in response to the use of a photograph of the suspended coaster Top Gun to advertise the park.
"Ha!" he exclaimed, incredibly lamely. "Those fools! How can they expect to get people to come to the park using a photograph of an Arrow suspended coaster!" Adding to his utter lameness, he continued: "Even Son of Beast would be a better draw -- and Face Off and Racer each have much better visuals for an advertisement!"
He then shook his head with a slight and lame giggle. He did, however, somehow manage to resist making an incredibly lame joke about the photograph to his colleagues in meetings the next day.
Thursday, November 20, 2003
Hersheypark to Promote New, Healthy Image for 2004
The Hershey Entertainment Group announced at a press conference yesterday afternoon that 2004 will not only be a big season for new attractions, but will be the first year for an entirely new image for Hersheypark.
Citing concerns about the quality of Americans' health, especially those in Central Pennsylvania, a committee of fully trained and highly experienced consultants hired by Hersheypark encouraged park and corporate management to make some drastic changes to the park's environment and image for next season.
"We don't want to be responsible for any bad habits that park guests pick up," said consultant Bob Slidel at the press conference. "Obesity in America is a chronic disease and we want to do our part to prevent it. That is why we are suggesting some big and spectacular changes to management to, hopefully, encourage park guests to slim down and keep healthy habits such as a good diet, hand washing, exercise, and regular bathing." Slidel's final statement resulted in low-level violence by ACErs in attendance, who were easily restrained by security guards.
Some of the changes that Mr. Slidel outlined at the press conference include:
* The name of the park will be changed from HersheyPark to HealthyPark to encourage a healthy lifestyle.
* No chocolate will be sold in the park to anyone over 250 pounds. Weight must be verified at the park entrance and printed on a wrist band that must be worn at all times.
* The Kissing Tower will be renamed the Protected Intercourse tower to promote safe sex and hopefully discourage the nasty, disgusting act known as kissing.
* The Hershey Chocolate World attraction outside the park will be rethemed and reopen as Healthypark Soy World promoting the countless and limitless use of soy and soy byproducts in everyday life. There will also be isoflavones.
* All park guests will be required to wash their hands before, after, and while using the restoom. Armed guards will be posted at each and every restroom exit.
* Gravy will no longer be served in the park except for during coaster enthusiast events. Only guests with valid ACE membership cards will be allowed to purchase gravy during these times.
We here at ARN&R applaud the changes at Hersheypark and we wish them the best of luck in changing the world.
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
ACErs Warned to be on Best Behavior at IAAPA by Club Officials
IAAPA is almost here again, and, unfortunately, random coaster enthusiasts are certain to show up. Wacky hijinks are sure to ensue as the ordinary rabble clashed with Executive Committee members at the ACE booth on the showroom floor! Thank goodness someone is out there to start a rec.roller-coaster thread reminding ACE members to show up wearing something other than a Beast thong, flip-flops, and a coaster shirt with yellow armpit stains. Check out the hot enthusiast bickering action here!
If your sanity can survive a few pages of this stuff, then you too can also learn that Jesus was perfect!
--CSB/JCK/and Introducing Very Special Guest Star MMS as "MMS"
Alton Towers to Debut "Bathtime With Attitude"
In a creative move to remain on the cutting edge of theme park thrills, Alton Towers this week announced the 2004 debut of Bathtime With Attitude, a "new and energetic ride concept thrill excitement attraction thing," according to a park rep who insisted he would urinate upon us if we divulged his actual name.
According to the rep, "the park plans to do a major rehab and retheming of the flume ride, in order to give it that extra something special. It will be more thrilling, and yet will also be more appealing for families. It's a perfect addition, and the theming will be highly immersive."
ARN&R has seen plans for the ride, and can confirm that the theming will indeed be extensive. Aside from the flume vehicles themselves being converted to look like large bathtubs, each will be, in the words of the AT rep, "populated by a surly, obnoxious young child who is being forced to take a bath against his wishes."
"The child will throw an incredible tantrum the instant the bathtubs leave the station," says the rep. "He will angrily splash water on occupants of the vehicle, scream incessantly, and throw his rubber ducky and bars of soap at passengers. No rider will be able to console the grubby urchin as he yells obscenities, kicks and screams while being toweled off, and, from time to time, defecates in the water just to be a filthy brat."
The Alton Towers representative added that most of the candidates to serve as rotten little bathtub brats would be home-schooled, in order to maximize their potential irritating, anti-social behavior.
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
Exclusive IAAPA Coverage Coming Soon
As ARN&R has done for over three centuries, we've got a phalanx of reporters on the ground in Orlando, combing the grounds for exclusive ARN&R breaking news.
We'll keep you updated, of course, but for now, just this one nugget of fun: Sources indicate that there may be a new food product on a stick announced at this year's show.
Hersheypark Steals Idea From ARN&R
AbsolutelyReliable Conglomerate MegaCorp Dynamo Inc. is pondering a multi-trillion dollar lawsuit against Hersheypark for stealing an idea from its website, say sources. While most members of the unsuspecting, and, frankly, stupid public believed that they had a major hand in choosing the name and theme for Hersheypark's new Storm Runner coaster, the reality may be that HP blatantly swiped the concept from the pages of the influential and totally factual Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors.
"Way back in August, we had an article at ARN&R that claimed Hersheypark's new coaster would be called Misty of Chincoteague: The Xtreme Armageddon," said the Editor-in-Chief. "We postulated that the 'I Survived My Still-Beating Heart Being Torn From My Chest by Misty of Chincoteague and Devoured by Her as I Watched' T-shirt would be a big seller and that Satan himself might be riding astride the cruel beast Misty. Most importantly, we said that the 'logo will feature a menacing demon horse charging toward the viewer, with foam and blood spewing left and right from a terrifying maw laden with razor-sharp fangs.'"
The E-in-C then directed reporters to view Screamscape, where the logo of the actual new Storm Rider bore a more-than-striking resemblance to the described Misty of Chicoteague: The Xtreme Armageddon logo from the earlier ARN&R feature.
"It really makes us more sad than angry here at ARN&R," added the E-in-C. I mean, what is the world coming to when amusement parks are desperate enough to take our suggestions and actually use them for real? First that stupid Garfield thing gets the green light, and now this. The horror, the horror."
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.