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Saturday, November 15, 2003
Dean Receives Non-Endorsement From ACE
According to an official statement from the American Coaster Enthusiasts Saturday, the organization will not be endorsing Democratic presidential hopeful Howard Dean. The group stopped short of naming the candidate it would actually support in the upcoming election, meaning that the others who are running for office will be aggressively courting ACE and its tremendous and powerful voting block.
"Howard Dean posits himself as a major player in the race for president," said ACE spokesperson Max Liswell. "Unfortunately for Dr. Dean, he has been governor of a state that does not possess, nor ever possessed, any roller coasters of any sort. This sort of neglect of what we as a group find most important is mind-bogglingly stupid. We hereby denounce the campaign of Dr. Dean. Let him scurry back to his maple-encrusted, amusement-parkless state without our vote of confidence."
"Well, what can I say?" said a clearly upset Dean. "This sucks. This sucks donkeys. But we'll continue to carry on our fight, even without these extremely important 8,000 voters, at least a hundred of whom might vote so long as Election Day doesn't coincide with some special down at Old Country Buffet, and their monster influence behind us. We'll just make up for this crushing defeat by reaching out to rednecks who drive pickups smeared with confederate flags. Both groups have lots of pasty white people with mullets who can't read, so it's a pretty similar voting block."
Early reports that ACE plans to offer its endorsement of failed California governor candidate Gary Coleman could not be confirmed.
Friday, November 14, 2003
Explicit Video of Twisted Twins Discovered
The coaster community was rocked with the revelation that an explicit videotape of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom's racing coaster "Twisted Twins" had been uploaded to the Internet and had been downloaded thousands of times.
The tape, made when the coaster was younger and known as "Twisted Sisters," reportedly features extremely raw footage of both Lola and Stella (the names given to the ride's respective tracks) in various shocking positions with both Thunder Run and Chang. At one point, Thunder Run is heard exclaiming, "Once you've had two tracks, you'll never go back!" The video comes on the heels of a widely-distributed photograph of Lola exiting a stretch pickup truck limo in rural Kentucky; in that photo, her lack of underwear is clearly visible.
Six Flags Inc. had no official comment on either the video or the photograph. Reliable sources in the park chain's Oklahoma headquarters said that executives "weren't mad, just disappointed," and that the emotions at the headquarters had not been so intense since the time Six Flags Over Texas's Mr. Freeze was found in a humiliating position with Batman: The Ride. The legal proceedings from that discovery were ended with the U.S. Supreme Court's decision earlier this year striking down the Texas prohibition on sodomy.
Thursday, November 13, 2003
Sellner Introduces Traffic Jam
Spurred on by the excitement that its newly redesigned Tilt-a-Whirl cars have created, veteran ride manufacturer Sellner has taken the concept one step further.
"Many people have been giving us positive feedback," said a Sellner spokesperson, "commenting on how our new cab designs look like bumper cars. That gave us our new idea."
The prototype ride will be called Traffic Jam. It features the new Tilt-a-Whirl cars -- but three times as many compared with a typical ride. The cars are welded onto the ride platform, which itself is welded to the loading ramps. No rotation or motion of any sort is allowed by the design.
"The great thing about this ride is that maintenance issues are completely eliminated. We've taken the bold step of creating an exciting ride that doesn't move at all, just like a real traffic jam! People will be able to relive the thrill of getting to and from the park!"
The excitement will be enhanced by an elaborate sound system underneath the ride platform that will blast automotive noises at up to 150 decibels. "With all the vibrations," the spokesperson said, "people will feel like they're moving!" Completing the experience will be a set of small diesel engines belching fumes around the riders.
"We're using something all park patrons are familiar with and taking it to the next level. This is the next generation of thrills."
Six Flags corporation has already placed orders for 17 of the rides.
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
Breaking News: Paris Hilton Crotch Search Results Update
We are pleased to report that we have now broken the 500 mark in the count of people who have visited the site searching for "Paris Hilton crotch" or some variant.
Thanks, those with exceedingly questionable taste! If only we had advertising, we'd be thrilled to be having the visits!
ACE Nominates Chief Diversity Officer
In an effort to increase minority memberships, the ACE Executive Committee elected Sally Johnson to the position of Chief Diversity Officer. Sally, a coaster enthusiast and active ACE member, is well known for her popularity in the black community. “This is an important day for ACE,” said Carole Sanderson, CEO and High Priestess of the organization. “With Sally’s help, we hope to more accurately reflect the population of our country’s great theme parks.”
Sally came to ACE from Coasterbuzz, where she increased the African American population of members by 200%. “By getting two of my friends to create ID’s at Coasterbuzz.com, I really made a difference in their community,” said Sally in an exclusive interview with ARN&R. “It’s high time that African American coaster enthusiasts stand up and be counted, and I’m here to make sure that they are welcomed by ACE."
Johnson continued: "We are already getting noticed by setting up ACE recruitment booths at what enthusiasts and ACE members refer to as 'urban parks,' like Six Flags Great Adventure or Six Flags America. It is also important that we get actual African-Americans in the club, not white people who like to 'act black' like at Kennywood.”
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
A Man, A Dream, An Itch
For today’s Site O' The Weak, ARN&R salutes Marc Richardson. Marc, a proud ACE member, is raging against the machine by planning Scratch Park, a ‘park built for the people who come to it.’ And Marc's looking for your advice!
All are welcome to send Marc their ideas, even though they will not be paid in any way for their contributions. While these ideas are not -- yet -- posted to the site, ARN&R has obtained some of the insightful suggestions sent in to Marc’s site by his fellow enthusiasts:
• Wider paths, wider seats, wider toilets
• Complimentary Pepsi, sunscreen, and ranch dressing by the gallon (with straws)
• Ride Operator/Cast Members uniforms: Hot Pants and Pasties
Of course, Marc doesn’t have to be alone. Already the Coaster Preservation Organization (“formly Group”) has reached out to him to combine efforts to rescue standing but not operating or otherwise abused coasters and bring them to Scratch Park to live in a free range environment. Representatives of Doug Henning’s estate have donated the land originally slated for Veda Land, on the condition that there be pamphlets on transcendental meditation available in all of the wider bathroom stalls. And finally, the Communist Party has agreed to provide labor to make the park a true “worker’s paradise.”
ARN&R wishes Marc the best of luck in planning the People’s Park!
Monday, November 10, 2003
Letter-Writing Campaign Ends in Confused Failure
When the news was released that Dorney Park would be removing its Hercules coaster at the end of this past season, the outcry was tremendous. A massive letter-writing campaign was begun to save Hercules, and Dorney Park management was forced to wade through a daily onslaught of pleas to save it.
Unfortunately, the pleas fell on unsympathetic ears, for those in charge of the campaign were obviously misinformed as to what Hercules they were trying to save.
"Just look at this nonsense," said Dorney rep Charles Abrahams. "We might be concerned if we had gotten wrong our impression that every person who ever set foot on Hercules thought it was a pile of crap. If we'd gotten thousands of begging, fawning letters discussing how people will miss its smooth ride, exciting course, and awesome airtime, maybe we'd feel bad for tearing the thing down. But all these letters are, if I can deduce the actual English beneath the grammatical mistakes, berating us for denying people access to that hunky, oily Kevin Sorbo."
Abrahams added, "how stupid are these people? Do they really not know that our Hercules was a really crummy coaster, and we have nothing to do with mind-numbing trash from New Zealand? And we're more than a bit shocked that anyone would be even concerned about a stupid show like that, no matter how many cheesy sword fights and guest appearances by Bruce Campbell it featured. People, Hercules was cancelled years ago. And so was Xena Warrior Princess. Get a frickin' grip and leave us alone so we can send a wrecking ball through this thing."
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
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