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Saturday, November 08, 2003
Reminder of ARN&R Exclusive on Kennywood Attraction
Now that Kennywood has announced the name of its 2004 attraction, we'd just like to remind you that we've had the details for months. Look here.
Friday, November 07, 2003
To those of you -- 117 so far and counting -- who came upon us by searching for "Paris Hilton crotch," we extend our traditional greeting: Welcome! We write satire about roller coaster enthusiasts and the amusement park industry! We are certain this is precisely what you are looking for!
Tacky Wild West Theming Turns Suave Black Man Into Inbred Redneck
A formerly suave and sophisticated African-American man became a drooling hillbilly within seconds of exposure to tacky theming at Six Flags Great America late this season, say numerous experts.
According to friends and family, coaster enthusiast Darren Carrson was, for much of his 42 years, the very picture of elegance and refinement. Aside from his career as a face model and spokesman for champagne and caviar companies, Carrson was a Rhodes scholar and made three separate "Best-Dressed" lists in regional magazines. More importantly, his noted wit and looks had, in the estimation of his best friends, gotten him "more ass than the Flyers at Phoenix Phall Phunfest." But that all changed in one horrible afternoon.
The incident occurred when Carrson and his "platonic coaster toolmate," Kirk James, 31, made the error of walking into the Wild West area of Six Flags Great America. According to James, the "combination of that Deliverance banjo tune and the stupid door sign were too much for poor Darren this time. Within minutes, he was whistlin' at chicks, spittin' chaw on people's feet, and asking whether the gift shop had any Superman overalls or Batman fishin' poles. It was horrifying."
Experts say that Carrson’s behavior in the days since he was exposed to the lame, stupid theming can only confirm the danger he is in. Apparently, the debonair ladies’ man has been dividing his time between monster truck rallies, bumper rodeo contests, cow tipping, professional wrestling, and growing out his luxuriant mullet. When approached by ARN&R for comment, Carrson refused all comment, save for demanding that we "squeal like a pig, boy."
Early stages of redneckosity manifest themselves beside the offending themed door
"Look at this picture," said noted psychotherapist Dr. Dikembe Billy-Bob Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III. "The symptoms are as clear as day. Note how the subject's mouth is distended and the eyes have this crazed look to them...he's already substantially on his way to being a completely inbred goat raper, and it may only be a matter of mere hours before he appears on the Jerry Springer show bragging about marrying his twelve-year-old niece or something."
"We can't waste any more time," added Dr. Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III. "This poor gentleman will be a permanent resident of Downtown Chicken F*ck if we don't intervene right now. The only way to save Mr. Carrson from permanently becoming a hillbilly is to strap him down and force him to go cold turkey. No NASCAR, no country line dancing, no gazing longingly at sheep, no outhouse in the front yard, no El Camino up on blocks, and definitely no Confederate flag bandanas on his head. His suffering will be acute, but by the end of two months of this harsh therapy, I believe he will not only survive, but also thrive. And, barring that, at least his neighbors won't have to listen to him blasting that Garth Brooks s*it for a while."
Six Flags Great America released a statement denying that the park is part of a nationwide conspiracy dedicated to converting suave black males into crazed hillbillies.
Posted at 1:38 PM | Link |
Disneyland, Seeking Hipster Audience, Announces New Wammo Coaster
In a move designed to attract the long-ignored slacker amusement park audience, Disneyland today announced a surprise new attraction for the 2004 season. The ride will be a low-speed non-inverting roller coaster called "The Wammo Coaster: Faster Than the Speed of Suck," and will be themed after the life and loves of Austin, Texas-based performance artist, singer, and poet Wammo.
"We've never really made an effort to go after the crowd of pot-smoking long-hairs who are really into poetry slams and acoustic blues-jazz with occasional country-hip-hop blends thrown in, and now's the time to get them," said Disney spokesman Brian Murdy. "And there's nobody better than Wammo to draw in those crowds!"
Wammo, known both for his solo work (including the album Faster Than the Speed of Suck from which the ride's name was borrowed) and for playing with the Asylum Street Spankers, was said to be pleased with the arrangement.
"I understand they'll be playing Antifreeze in line at some of the kids' rides, and we're talking about setting up a whole themed area at Disney's California Adventure all about my song Beer," said the singer in an exclusive ARN&R interview.
The actual coaster will be built by Vekoma and will feature a new interactive component: Riders will wear specially-designed "beer goggles" designed to make the ride much more attractive and every other person on the ride seem far more attractive.
The singer's smash hit single "Hick Hop" will be played by very small musicians in each coaster train, reflecting the singer's strong preference to avoid what he calls "the demon electricity" in the amplification or creation of music.
Thursday, November 06, 2003
Amusement Today Special IAAPA Issue Features Special Groundbreakingly Fawning Coverage, Even More Grammatical and Spelling Errors
Every year, Amusement Today comes out with a very special issue to accompany the yearly convention of the International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions ("IAAPA"), and every year AT goes all out to make it a truly special bonus edition.
ARN&R is pleased to report that this year is no exception, with groundbreakingly fawning coverage, even more grammatical and spelling errors than usual (at no extra charge!), and an amazing innovation in journalism -- allowing a company to write a purportedly objective article about itself.
From an editorial that could have been an IAAPA press release ("Everyone in one place, all after the same goals: How to safely grow their business and revenues next year.") to our very favorite pet peeve, the misuse of "its" in that very same editorial ("No matter if its [sic] in a seminar...") and special surprise spelling errors wittily hidden throughout the issue, the issue is a great example of how AT can really make the bonus issue a true bonus.
"We're really very pleased with the issue," said AT's spokesman Geoff Ceibert.
"My personal favorite part is the 'article' written by 'H Design Group' on ideas for designing amusement park websites," he continued. "It's great how we published something purporting to be an actual article when in fact the whole thing is obviously an advertisement for H Design Group -- which coincidentally designs amusement park websites! How much better can you get? It's got it all -- no work for us and an advertisement for them! We're expecting the New York Times to start using the same approach, perhaps having Halliburton write about how the no-bid contracts it received in Iraq were actually totally fair."
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
Enthusiast Unanimously Mocked by Candidates
Last night's "America Rocks the Vote" Democratic presidential candidate debate provided voters with some key information, as the candidates discussed issues ranging from racism to foreign policy, along with some lighter questions about their personal lives. But one question -- asked by an interloper who grabbed a microphone -- confused every candidate.
"Tell us once and for all," gasped Tod Gormskeninski, long-time ACE member well beyond the debate's 18-to-30-year-old target audience, "The question is key to thousands of coaster enthusiasts across the country, and it's a critical topic in next year's election: Is Superman: the Escape a roller coaster or not?"
While Gormskeninski was carried away by guards, the candidates looked at each other, every one with a confused look. "What the hell was that about?" asked former Vermont Governor Howard Dean, who had answered questions about his computer preference and marijuana use with a straight face. "Was he seriously asking about a roller coaster? Loser."
"Sure is," said Massachusetts Senator John Kerry, previously asked about what he would have done had he been the manager of the Boston Red Sox. "I can't imagine spending one second, much less any serious energy, arguing about whether a particular ride is a roller coaster or not. Who the hell cares? What an idiot."
At that point, all nine candidates joined a chant of "LOSER! LOSER!" while pointing at Gormskeninski, who was vigorously resisting being removed from the hall.
Libertarian candidate and ex-convict Lyndon Larouche issued a statement after the debate stating that Superman: The Escape was indeed a coaster, and that the jackbooted thugs from the IRS who tried to say otherwise should be shot.
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
Cultural Compentency Test Added To ACE Membership Application
Frustrated by the lack of social mores again demonstrated by ACE members in the last year, club officials have announced the addition of a new "Cultural Competency" test as part of its membership requirement. The test is being formulated now and is expected to go into effect as of January 1, 2004.
New members will be required to take the test prior to their membership being approved, and existing members have one calendar year to attend a testing center and pass the test. ACE Executive Committee members have engineered in a "Grandfather clause" for all current and prior Executive Committee personnel that exempts them from the exam, but all other ACErs must take the test.
In its current form, the test is divided into three parts:
Part One is an extensive questionnaire delving into areas of the prospective member's personal life. Still under review, this section is expected to include a cultural literacy segment, with such questions as "Name an Oscar winning film that did not star Russell Crowe or Leonardo Dicaprio" and "Describe a vacation you took that did not involve coasters." The most challenging aspect of the test is expected to be the "hobby" section, where applicants must demonstrate they have at least one other interest besides coasters. ACE officials warn that there are many "trick" answers that will get you immediately disqualified; woe to the uninformed ACEr who lists "masturbation," "gravy," or "steam trains" as their other hobby.
Part Two is a clothing and grooming quiz. Applicants are requested to bring three items of non-coaster related apparel to the testing location. The items must fit and they must be clean; armpit stains will not be permitted. Testees must also meet minimum standards of personal hygiene.
The third and last segment is expected to be the most difficult; an actual social situation. Those who have made it this far in the testing process enter the social interaction simulator, which is designed to resemble a coaster loading platform. The simulator presents the simple challenge of waiting in line correctly, boarding the coaster without whining about anything or volunteering obscure information such as who tracked the coaster to uninterested tourists, and then exiting without any high-fives, complaints about braking, or the like.
Mobile Testing locations are expected to be set up at many coaster events next year, assuming there are any events next year. Operation Nerd Purge is being financied via private donations from the major theme park chains.
Monday, November 03, 2003
Oh, That's Cute, It's a Site All About Coaster Enthusiasts Who Are Also Into Teddy Bears...Oh, Wait.
A word of warning: Before visiting this week's Site O' the Weak, we implore you: mute your computer's speakers. Or you will be subjected to the most annoying MIDI in history, "Baroque Hoedown." You may have already figured out that we have a professional musician among our ranks at AbsolutelyReliableTowers, and he's presently cowering in the corner, ears bleeding, for failing to heed our warning.
Of course, that's not all that awaits you. This is not a site about teddy bear enthusiasts, it's about roller coaster enthusiasts who identify as bears -- that is, "they often have facial or body hair, are friendly and cuddly, and may have (as they say on the ride warning signs) 'large physical proportions.'" (No, this is not just a link to ACE's site. They're not cuddly.) Still confused? Take a look here -- you'll get an idea of what that means. And members get real purty membership cards!
This is actually a pretty well-done site, all in all -- certainly better-designed than a lot of what passes as major coaster sites. We're mostly just pleased to find a site that has a target audience possibly even smaller than ours. So, congratulations, CoasterBears: You're our Site O' the Weak!
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.