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Saturday, October 18, 2003
Search the Sarcasm
ARN&R is pleased to announce that after many many months of development and coding, we finally implemented a search function that took about three minutes. Down there on the left on the front page. So you can now find how many times we've mentioned Kentucky (21) or gravy (22). Enjoy!
Friday, October 17, 2003
Waterpark Enthusiast Group's First Event Runs Into Glitches
Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom General Manager Maree Gumble said that the newly formed American Waterpark Enthusiasts (AWE) are no longer welcome at her park. The group, founded in April 2003, had its first convention in Louisville over Labor Day weekend. "We thought it would be good PR for the park and fun for the guests, but it turned out to be an unbelievable hassle," Gumble said.
Problems arose when the gates opened and never stopped. Six Flags alleges that AWE members created dangerous conditions for themselves and other guests. Gumble said the largest problem was that during Exclusive Slide Time (EST) riders would splash down the slides and then sit in the splash pool chanting, "One more time! One more time!" "Apparently they don't understand that to ride again they need to walk their lazy asses up several flights of stairs," she chuckled.
AWE President Steve Gibson said he saw no problems during the group's visit and doesn't understand what all the fuss is about. "All of our members always observe the rules set down for their safety," he calmly told ARN&R. To ensure that his group will have no further problems Gibson posted a letter up on the AWE website that instructs all members to observe all park safety rules.
Kentucky Kingdom Safety Coordinator Don Ramey was equally unimpressed with the group's antics during the EST. "We had people at the bottom of the slide waiting to give people dumping into the pools hand slaps," he grumbled. "But, that wasn't as bad as the buffet. You don't want to see these people in swimming suits to begin with, let alone eating three drumsticks at once."
An exclusive ARN&R photo taken at the AWE event
While the park had done coaster events before they had never tried a waterpark event. "It was a learning experience for us," said Gumble. "And we learned that it is something we will never do again. From arguing with enthusiasts that we can't 'lower the brakes' on the speed slides to telling people that their stupid rowing motion in the lazy river was hitting other guests in the face, it was just too much work. Next year we'll make up the money by working with the local Moonshiners Union; they're much easier to deal with."
Steve Gibson still asserts that plenty of parks are looking forward to working with him. "We have already called Holiday World/Splashin' Safari and Soak City at Cedar Point. Rumor has it that both of those parks are doing a lot of enthusiast events in 2004."
Thursday, October 16, 2003
ARN&R Ban List Addendum
To Whom it May Concern:
After ARN&R published its list of persons banned from all of its functions, including future AbsolutelyReliableCons, we have received additional information from various important industry figures, including representatives of Six Flags, Cedar Fair, Paramount, the Boston Pops, and this guy Denny who lives in our apartment building and doesn't bathe regularly, but who seems like he'd know a lot about amusement park safety. These parties all wished to share and discuss names of individuals and groups banned from their establishments. After consultation with these experts, ARN&R has amended its banned list to also include all of the following:
- Enthusiasses who always follow everyone around blathering on in toolish fashion instead of taking a polite hint and getting lost. Especially that guy who always mumbles to himself and that stupid Blob.
- Anyone who shows up at a coaster event in a 70's blue jumpsuit or a red satin jacket. We recognize that those of us who write for this publication are hardly fashion plates, but one must draw a limit somewhere as to what is acceptable. That limit occurs when our eyes actually begin burning upon viewing a particular sartorial monstrosity.
- Ed Markey. Just because he's a complete dick.
- People who hump, mount, or pleasure themselves in any way on coaster supports.
- Anyone caught heaping more than seventeen burgers, pizza slices, hot dogs, or gallons of ice cream on their plates in one trip to the ACE buffet table. Aside from reducing event costs by eliminating the worst gluttony offenders, this will presumably keep that disgusting mound of lard Rush Limbaugh from infesting one of our events.
- Thunderp*ssy. Surely you don't think we're going to allow any of those drooling cretins associated with the Coaster Preservation Organization Formly [sic] Club attend any of our functions, do you?
- Xfan. We at ARN&R are deeply offended by the practice of bestiality, and those involved with such are not welcome at our functions.
We thank you for your attention.
The Staff of Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors
Published at Last: the Ban List
To Whom it May Concern:
The following individuals and/or groups are henceforth banned from attending any Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors events, including next year's 351st Annual AbsolutelyReliableCon.
- Stan Checketts. He brings way too many meat products, and tends to climb to the top of any structure nearby and flog himself while naked.
- Any enthusiast who advertises that they're looking for a third for a threesome. Eeewwww.
- Helen Hunt. Sure, she'll never go to the ACE events, but she just won't leave us alone. Total pyscho stalker.
- Shoewee. He just won't shut up about Schroeder.
- Dick Van Patten. He and Hunt just can't take no for an answer.
- KISS. Their robot clones just Rip Rip, Rip and Destroy, and we can't have that when we're trying to designate a Boomerang as an ARN&R Coaster Classic.
- Gordon Beeferman, composer extraordinaire. No real reason, but we were worried that we might be slipping in the Google rankings for searches for his name.
- Anyone who has even contemplated stepping foot on a Dance Dance Revolution machine in public. You look like robots. Stupid, arrhythmical robots. No robots at AbsolutelyReliableCon, whether stupid and arrythmical ones or KISS robot clones.
- Editors of ACE publications. Actually, they're not banned, but we figured since they show up weeks after the actual events anyway, we might as well say they're banned.
On the other hand, we would like to be sure it's clear that Paul Ruben is invited to every AbsolutelyReliableCon. We figure if we let him get in front of the buffet line, he'll probably say that ARN&R is the greatest coaster on the planet on the Discovery Channel.
ACE News Changes Name to “AYCE News”
When the latest issue of the American Coaster Enthusiasts newsletter, ACE News, hit mailboxes this week, subscribers were not tremendously surprised to note that the publication had a new name: “AYCE News.” After maintaining its previous name for numerous issues over twenty-six volumes, the newsletter undergoes a change that editor Mark Davidson says “more accurately represents the true essence of the American Coaster Enthusiasts.”
“AYCE” is a term typically used at buffet restaurants, and is an abbreviation for “All You Can Eat.” It is most appropriately pronounced with a noticeable redneck accent, say experts on horrible American eating habits.
“The ACE Executive Politburo had a meeting where it was decided, with input from the editorial and writing staff at ACE News, that the mission of the newsletter was simply not being accurately put forth by the title, and a new, bold, and more correct moniker would be required,” said ACE President and Commander of the Order of the British Empire Carole Sanderson. “It took minimal debate to conclude that ACE really has very little to do with roller coasters, preservation, exclusive ride time, or any of the things which some people seem to find important. Actually, ACE is primarily about members gorging themselves on huge hunks of freshly killed game and frolicking and gamboling merrily about in virtual swamps of pork gravy," Sanderson stated, while gnawing on a pork chop on a stick.
"And what better issue to change our name for than the September-October 2003 one? No article ever written has better demonstrated our commitment to these lofty goals of ACE eatery than the one on the Preservation Conference held in Colorado.”
Sanderson gave a detailed presentation on the article with the help of statistical analysis provided by analysts from MIT, the contents of which are summarized below:
- Food and eating are mentioned approximately 18 times. Sanderson generously chose not to add the terms “food for thought” and “perish” (which some took to mean “perishable”) to this list, as they technically are not about actually literally cramming dribbling barbecue and gristle into one's vast gullet.
- Roller Coasters are mentioned in eight paragraphs in the article. This includes all references about preservation, ceremonies, ERT on coasters, and discussions of possible future rides. Meanwhile, food, eating, or eateries are referenced in ten different paragraphs. Sanderson admitted that this comparison is not entirely fair, as most of the articles involving food discuss the slurping down of masses of Crisco and vanilla frosting in intricate, lurid, graphic, and, quite frankly, almost pornographic detail, while the coaster references are nearly clinical in the lack of detail.
- An actual roller coaster finally was mentioned in the eighth paragraph of the article, while food appeared in three paragraphs prior to that point.
- Food references include the following sensationalist accounts, quoted directly from the article. This material is gruesome and explicit, and some viewers may wish to avert their eyes:
And we should say right up front, we’ve been eating quite well this year, thank you.
With a complete dinner just a couple of hours away, registration saw a wide range of handy snacks…
Dinner not only fed us well…
ACE…quickly found refreshments…
With taste buds adequately satisfied, it was on to the coasters…
Breakfast items…woke people to the final day of the conference.
The first surprise of lunch was the God-given freedom to ‘schhhhhhhlock’ as much whipped cream on your strawberry shortcake as you desired.
As if it wasn’t the perfect metaphor, the event officially closed with dessert.
And yep, the Cyclone continued to give one last ERT between scoops of ice cream and decadent toppings.
Although ARN&R is a family publication, and therefore disapproves of all this sexually-charged writing about engulfing entire still-writhing live boars in your yawning crevice of a mouth while stiff-arming other park patrons away from the mashed potatoes with gravy and cheese sauce, we certainly have been won over by the Executive Politburo’s presentation of the reasoning behind the switch. ARN&R therefore offers its full support to ACE News henceforth being known as “AYCE News.”
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
Flyer Purists Start an Anti-Tub Humping Campaign
At the annual gathering of tools and hicks known as PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP, the flyer purists were out in storm, verbally assaulting and mocking other flyer participants known as ‘tub-humpers.’
When reached for comment from the depths of his mother’s basement, 34-year-old dungeon master and flyer purist Nathan Andrake said, “In recent years there has been an outbreak of this heinous activity. Not only is it unsafe, it also makes the pilots appear to be better than us, and we can not have that in this fast-paced world of flyer riding. This is not how flyers are meant to be enjoyed.” He then rolled his 87 sided die and cast “stupidity ++.”
To those unaware, “Tub Humping” is a way of physically rocking the flyer back and forth, causing for better and more frequent snaps, say experts.
When reached for comment an offender asked “Aren’t they that crappy ‘rock’ band that sang that lame song back in the 90's? ‘I get knocked down but I get up again’...more like ‘I record one song and am never heard of again.’”
When asked for a rebuttal Andrake fired a “Magic Missile.”
[Editor's Note: I bet most of you didn't know that the trumpet tune sampled for that Tubthumper song was Jeremiah Clark's Trumpet Voluntary, did you? Now don't say you don't learn anything here at ARN&R.]
As an addendum to the article below, apparently a challenger has emerged to combat what he refers to as "the blasphemous and totally crap false records of Kirk James and Bill Chipotle." A Filip Le Pankakov wrote in to let us know that he achieved a new outdoor land speed record for getting completely pissed off and hating everyone at an amusement park in considerably quicker fashion than either of the two officially recognized leaders.
Says Le Pankakov, "That's totally bogus. Six minutes is nothing. I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain and hated every single person there before I even entered the park. And I continued hating them all during my entire horrible day of overpriced goods, three-hour waits for coasters, incredible heat, and amazingly stupid employees and park visitors. The record should be mine, and it's a farce that it isn't being recognized."
Said S. Mathias Berger III, president of the International Consortium of Getting Pissed Off at Every Single Patron of an Amusement Park and Wanting to Strangle Them All With Your Bare Hands (ICGPOESPAPWSTAWYBH), "we have looked into Mr. Le Pankakov's claims, and unfortunately we did not have any official observers on-site. Without our trained staff being on hand to acknowledge a record-setting performance, we simply cannot accept this as the official record."
When queried by ARN&R, Berger agreed that it was possible for the record to be broken in the manner described by Le Pankakov. "We certainly can't count into the negatives to measure high levels of irritation achived in the parking lot," he said, "but in this case the timers would have begun right as he got through the security gate into the park proper. This could potentially result in a record in the mere seconds."
Berger further noted that the staff of his organization "would never be stupid enough to go to a Six Flags park on a Saturday in July, regardless of whether any records might or might not be broken," and therefore he had no clue why Le Pankakov would have expected any of them to be there to witness his stunning feat.
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
Enthusiast Looks to Set Record This Weekend
Coaster enthusiast Kirk James, 31, is hard at work training to set a new world record, he tells ARN&R. Already the holder of the IBF, WBF, and WWF World Titles in Getting Pissed Off Enough to Hate Every Single Person at an Amusement Park, James has stated that he intends to better his own impressive record by a full three minutes this coming weekend.
"My fastball has great velocity, and the curve is really poppin'," James told ARN&R in between intense training sessions. "I'm watching my diet, working out twelve hours a day, reading and watching game tape, and exposing myself to irritating people as much as possible in order to maximize how angry I'll already be when I enter the park. I'll be driving in my car in Northern Virginia and near New York, visiting a number of restaurants, and spending as much time as possible with my boss, and then maybe I’ll call up all my ex-girlfriends for a chat. When I hit the front gate and the clock starts ticking, I'll already be ready to strangle some jackass. Then the revolting behavior of people at the park will set me off quickly enough that I can absolutely crush my own amazing world mark." James then made a muscle pose and grabbed the pom-poms from a nearby cheerleader to create an impromptu dance "inspired by Warren Sapp and Beyonce."
The World Title in Getting Pissed Off Enough to Hate Every Single Person at an Amusement Park was long considered the most venerable and storied in the history of the amusement park, perhaps only eclipsed in reverence by the 56-day park visiting streak record set by the great Joe DiMaggio. The impressive mark of being irritated enough to hate every single person at an amusement park stood at two hours, seventeen minutes, and fourteen seconds for decades, until August 22nd, 2003. On that date, the hallowed record was obliterated by an unheralded enthusiast named Bill Chipotle, who officially felt a strong need to maim and crush every human inhabiting Six Flags New England after spending only one hour and six minutes there.
Many pundits felt this was a one-time super-record set by a man playing beyond his ability during perfect conditions, and perhaps with the benefit of steroids, creatine, or even one of those "Gelati" they serve that is not remotely close to an actual Gelati, but instead consists of layers of soft vanilla ice cream and Italian ice. "Chipotle was on top of his game, no doubt," said expert Peter Gammons. "It seemed like everything he did turned to gold. It was the perfect game. Of course, luck is always involved, too. Would Chipotle have had such success if any ride at Six Flags New England had used more than one train, or if the toilets hadn't showered his party with explosively propelled feces, or if every single person in line wasn't smoking, or if the park had bothered to hire a single security guard that day? Doubtful."
The experts were proven wrong in short order, however. The record fell six times in a span of only a few months, as a new challenger, the brash young James, rose to combat Chipotle's mastery at Being Quickly Pissed Off. Much as Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire brought out the best in each other's games, Chipotle and James battled like centurions over the late summer, leapfrogging each other with ever more incredible record-setting performances. Chipotle brought the record down to 34 minutes at Morey's Piers on the day of the Monster Truck Rally, before James managed last weekend to jump that mark on his way to a nearly unfathomable six minutes and three seconds at Lake Compounce.
"I was surprised I was so dominating at that park," said James. "I mean, of course I rule and no one can have any hope of stopping me in my quest for world domination, but this is such a nice park that I figured it would be more of a warm-up. But no, I realized after two minutes that I had a shot at that record."
Spectators noted that, after suffering through a very trying day where he had gotten no sleep after driving all night through construction and fog the night before, working at an unbelievably crappy job that morning, having an argument with a friend, having his computer freeze up, and then having his fantasy football team get a foot shoved right up its ass, James was already pretty much poised to kill someone with his bare hands before even shoving through a crowd of morons standing around blocking the one entrance to Lake Compounce for no good reason. Then, after entering the park proper, he was confronted by "mega-hordes of white trash scum from the Valley. You know, those people who yell all the time and say 'New Brit'n' and 'mit'n' instead of pronouncing stuff right." Apparently this crowd of loud dumbasses followed him everywhere and filled the stations with their brain-deadening caterwauling, and about thirty of them managed to step on his foot, back into him, shove someone else into him, fire up a cigarette while riding Boulderdash, or yell to someone while standing mere nanometers from his head.
The coup-de-grace came with three incidents that came in rapid succession at about the five-minute mark of James’s evening out: a pair of rubes engaging in a yelling and slap-fighting match on a pathway crashed into James despite his trying to move away from them, one guy in a Slayer shirt bragged to his unwashed friend about how his buddies had had "awesome cool fun" spraying pepper spray at people on a coaster in New Jersey last year and they all had to go to the hospital, and eight preteen girls decided to have a screaming contest on Boulderdash right behind his already splitting tension headache.
"I was right on the edge," said James. "I had it, I knew the record was in my reach, but I wasn’t quite there. I thought maybe everyone there needed to die, but I wasn't wholly convinced of it enough to pass official muster. I mean, all the employees were really nice, as usual, and this one little girl asked me for the time and called me ‘Sir’ and said ‘Thank you’ when I told her, which threw my game off a little bit. But then, right as I passed six minutes, I saw a frickin' coaster tool who was boasting to some other little girls that he was about to take his 996th ride on Boulderdash, and there was only one person who’d been on it more ever. And that was it. I officially hated everyone, and the record was mine. YEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!" James then made a Heisman pose.
James will attempt to break his record this weekend at Six Flags New England, the location where Chipotle set the initial mark this summer. "I know it's gonna be there," he told us. "If I can get pissed off enough by people at Lake Compounce enough to want them all to suffer for all eternity in the fires of Hell after six minutes, just think what I can accomplish at the worst amusement park in the free world. Officially, I'm aiming for three minutes. But just between you and me, I already placed a call to Bill Chipotle and told him he'd have to be gunning for 45 seconds next time he hits a park."
Chipotle told ARN&R that he respects James and his current record, but that he will demolish it, whatever it stands at, the instant he sets foot inside the gates of Kentucky Kingdom for the first time.
Monday, October 13, 2003
World Leader in Vertical Sucking
So far, our Site O' the Weak feature has largely been directed to sites created by enthusiasts and for enthusiasts (with the exception of Playland's Castaway Cove, which was evidently created by evil monkeys to facilitate their torture of small children).
But perhaps that's been a bit too tough on enthusiasts. After all, most of their sites are done without any financial backing or, apparently, intelligence, design sense, or HTML skills. So this week, we turn to what is undoubtedly the worst site operated by a major ride provider. That's right, it's time to take a look at S&S Power's catastrophe of a site.
From the classy page title ("default.jpg"), to the refusal to use anything like actual text (instead using JPGs of text), to the loading speed that makes our high-speed connection feel like a dialup from Burundi, S&S has sure made us feel like they've got a firm grasp on technology. And there's nothing like a Paul Rueben quote to make us feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
So, congratulations, S&S! You're now the owner not just of the remains of an at-best marginally competent coaster manufacturer, but also the recipient of ARN&R's coveted Site O' the Weak award!
Sunday, October 12, 2003
Amusement Industry Concerned About Roller Coaster Haters
A group of major theme park chains has banded together to combat the posting of online opinions indicating hatred of roller coasters, according to the new public spokeswoman for the Consortium to Unilaterally Negate the Thickheaded.
"Cedar Point, Six Flags, Paramount, Universal, and, of course, Admiral Vungrels Adventure Park, have united to present a common front in combating the insidious decay of people claiming online that roller coasters suck," said Anna Linjection. "We have located a plague of online dislike that reaches near-biblical proportions. As long as five or six people claim in stupid forums and incredibly lame websites that they do not enjoy roller coasters, we all suffer. With hope and compassion, and perhaps a smattering of hideous violence and sodomy, we shall return these persons to the fold of amusement park tooldom."
Linjection then discussed several specific cases that needed to be addressed. "First of all," she said, "we have located a very troubled soul named laurennn, who has a thoroughly incomprehensible diary website. If you scroll through the list of answers to her survey questions, you will certainly note an amazing and disturbing amount of hostility and general freakishness." Linjection then provided a set of sample questions and answers to back up this claim:
-ARE YOU A LEFTY OR A RIGHTY?: ask your mother
-FAVOURITE SMELLS?: megan's mom
-FAVOURITE SOUNDS?: megan's mom
-DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?: i sleep with sluts and i stuff them as they sleep.
-IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?: i was serious when i said i'd kill you
Continued Linjection, "we can easily trace the source of this hostility to one simple statement provided near the beginning of this survey: 'ROLLER COASTERS suck.' If only this little flower would step out and enjoy some nice amusement parks, she would surely blossom instead of wilting into a mass of desiccated potpourri. We certainly think there is hope: after all, she claims she will be absolutely happy when, as she eloquently puts it, 'i catch you frontin like you ain't bout to knock it,' which sure sounds like a euphemism for 'riding a few Vekoma Boomerangs and SLC's' to us."
The second special case for the Consortium is also a difficult one, notes Linjection. "We have only the slightest hope that this case can be recovered," she admitted. "However, we feel it's imperative that we make our best effort even for complete loser cases like this."
The "complete loser case in question" is apparently the Bizarre and Creepy Anime Fangirl Weirdo Who Shares Way Too Much Information With Everyone. According to Linjection, "the absolute and utter toolish devotion to anime and manga is enough to make this person even more of a wackaloon than the most hardened coaster enthusiast. Good God, I can't believe I just said that. There's also that relentless bragging about her certain-to-be-incredibly-attractive anime-beast boyfriend. And I have to just quote from her list of dislikes, because I simply can't summarize and do it justice: 'People in general, especially people who don't know how to DRIVE. Spiders, badly written fanfics. Shounen/Shoujo-ai pairings that would never happen in a million years but are written about every day. (I'm sorry, but Tamahome and Nakago will NEVER GET TOGETHER.)'
"Again, there night seem to be a myriad of issues that could lead to these disturbing problems this person has," said Linjection. "However, we feel it all boils down to this statement: 'Upside-down roller coasters SUCK. Actually let me revise that. ALL rollar coasters suck. And so does that damn swinging pirate ship that I was traumatized from when I was 7 or 8 years old.' The Consortium finds it particularly engaging that Mistress Ayashi claims that she despises people who misspell common words, yet chooses to spell the word roller coaster as 'rollar coaster.'" We recommend that Ayashi attend an ACE event; that way, she can still have an annoying fetish hobby and act like a complete geek, but she'll get some greasy buffet and have some fun that doesn't involve jerking off to cartoons. And maybe that mean old pirate ship won't even touch her funny this time."
Linjection concluded by saying, "we realize it will be an uphill struggle to assist people who post to the 'Hot N'Sync Fiction' message board to claim that roller coasters suck. But we will do our best to help these lost souls. That's all anyone can ask for."
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.