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Friday, October 10, 2003
Professional Rollercoaster Riders Association Formed, Ignored
In a not-too-surprising turn of events, the launch of the Professional Rollercoaster Riders Association (PRRA) was met with little fanfare from either the amusement industry or the enthusiast community because the association simply makes no sense.
"I just don’t get it," said an obviously deflated Ken, PRRA’s founding father, when asked about the organization’s failure to attract new members. "We spent weeks at our lunch table in the cafeteria working out all the details. I even made a mission statement and everything. How do these guys [enthusiasts] expect to get the respect they deserve if they won’t stand up and be counted? The event at Magic Mountain went great, and who knows what could happen if we could have professional ride-offs and riding demonstrations nation-wide!"
"What? Where? Who? Why?," said a bewildered Magic Mountain General Manager Dell Holland in his best Vinnie Barbarino imitation, when asked about the recent PRRA gathering. When pressed further, Holland finally had this to say: "Oh, you mean those three kids that rode Canyon Blaster all day last Sunday? That’s what they’re doing? How cute."
Thursday, October 09, 2003
Carousel Website Blamed for Marital Difficulties
"Yeah baby, take it all. Let me gum up those works."
These were not the words Kathy Asleson expected to hear her husband moaning when she came home early from work. She had taken half a day off and wanted to surprise her husband Robert, who worked from an office at home. Expecting an afternoon of passionate lovemaking her libido dropped when he was found in front of the computer flogging the dolphin.
"What bothered me was not the fact that he was making Cyclops cry," said Kathy. "The problem was that Robert was whitewater wristing to a carousel website!" The site was www.amusementgear.com, an online retailer of gears and parts for amusement rides, especially carousels.
"It would have been one thing if he would have been choking Kojak to 'Lesbian Teenage All Stars' or even 'Mullet Munchers,' but it was carousels. I am so damn tired of amusement parks, especially those *$)^@ merry-go-rounds," she ranted.
"Honey, industry people don't call them merry-go-rounds. They are carousels, unless you're in England, then they're roundabouts," said Robert gently. "In addition, it is perfectly natural for a man to slap the big-nosed Rasta man."
Kathy responded, "I don't care if you feel the need to toss the Spam javelin. The problem is that this is only the latest in a line of amusement-related ejaculations. Lately I was feeling a bit relieved when I looked through the history of Netscape and saw 'Joyrides.com' and 'Thrillnetwork,' figuring you'd finally come around to nice normal porn. But then I just learned those were more coaster sites. You are never going to get good at oral sex by checking out p.o.v. pictures."
Robert has tried to put the spark back in the relationship, but his actions have only served to anger his wife of ten years. "For some reason she didn't like the honeymoon in Washington state where we rode a coaster only open two weeks a year or the afternoon of drinking wine from a box in the parking lot of Six Flags. Sometimes I just don't understand women," he lamented.
For now Robert and Kathy have made a commitment to talk to each other and work things out, a commitment that Kathy secretly told this reporter includes a lack of sex. She said, "If he wants to act like a 15 year-old that's his prerogative. He will just have to resort to hand-starting the one-eyed yogurt thrower for the next few weeks. I hope there are a lot of gear pictures on that site because he won't be riding this horse for a LONG time."
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
Absolutely Reliable Plastered All Over the World Wide Web
If some of you people out there haven't figured this out yet, we here at ARN&R just love getting attention. And fortunately for us, we're getting plenty of it on the web lately. Check out some of these exciting places we've been mentioned!
First of all, we're "Xtremely" pleased to be on the first page for Google searches for "funny names like Jack Meoff." Not as pleased as we were to know all those furtive masturbators found us by unsuccessfully coming to our page after doing searches for "Kristen Kreuk naked" or "Renee Zellweger Wrestling in Sloppy Porridge With Catherine Zeta Jones," but still quite pleased.
Our Fearless Leader and Editor for Life got us a ton of attention with his story about the new Vekoma coaster prototype that grabs riders only by the head. Tragically, some folks at Coasters2K Forums actually believed this article was true. Although we are somewhat concerned that anyone would ignore obvious warning signs that nothing on this website is real, some of the responses from the original poster's colleagues on the forum are pretty darn funny. And, through this posting, we seem to have drawn the attention of some new fans who actually bothered to read some of the early archives, which really are quite funny sometimes, even if JCK wasn't yet writing for the site and hauling in that all-important "throngs of hot young babes" demographic like he is now.
That Vekoma story sure had legs. It also appeared at the SixFlagsNews.com Forums, though no one there seems to have actually thought it was true. However, it went over there like the proverbial turd in the punchbowl (although, come to think of it, there is no proverb that we can think of involving turds and/or punchbowls, so...uh...oh, nevermind....). The esteemed Mr. bb_dog announces, "i dont really like that site. they are so freaking arrogent [sic] and hypocritical." We've sent this comment over to our highly-paid Special Assistant Junior Administrative Assistant for Responding to Grammatically Suspect Anger-Ridden Posts and E-Mails, and he tells us the following:
1) "Arrogent" is not the proper spelling for that word.
2) Of course we are arrogant. We're very upset that this news is still surprising to anyone. We shall double our efforts, Lord Vader.
3) We are not, however, "hypocritical" in any way that we know of. Perhaps if we had built a coaster where patrons are grabbed by the head, and then taunted Vekoma for building a coaster where patrons are grabbed by the head, then we could be considered hypocritical. But we didn't do that. We'll let you know if we do.
Many moons ago, there appeared on our site an article about Great Escape converting to Six Flags Northeastern New York. It was really incredibly silly, but it too attracted lots of attention, including a threatening and hilarious email from our old buddy Xfan that butchered the English language like a lamb at a Greek wedding. We somehow missed this outstanding forum discussion on SFNE Central that included our article. Amongst the discussion we have the following positive press for ARN&R:
Nope it's fake rumor told by some other stupid site called Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors, you can find it here. If I were you, I wouldn't look at it, they made fun of parks such as Great Escape and Six Flags, it made me upset. So I recommand [sic]... don't take it seriously.
They just make things up and they don’t even think things through. I don’t even find them funny. Which is what they clam [sic] to be.
That second one up there is from our old friend and rocket scientist mrceagle, who, for those who forget or weren't here with us yet, was the one who made what is still the single most fabulous comment ever about our website: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Incidentally, a search on Google for "Six Flags Anal Probe" has the aforementioned discussion as its number one link. Since our experience every time we visit Six Flags New England seems quite similar to what we expect an anal probe would be like, we find it quite fitting that this search leads directly to a site which has news about this park. We also note that Mapquest is now happy to provide a map for Six Flags Northeastern New York.
We also were mentioned at the Six Flags stockholders forum, though unfortunately this did not attract any interesting discussion about how we need to rot in hell. Pretty boring. Oh well.
And, finally, the Florida Historical Foundations jumped all over our patently ridiculous story about the Cincinatti Bengals visiting Boardwalk & Baseball, and used the thing as a serious piece of news. With a quote and everything. One might think that such phrases as "Bengals' almost-quarterback Jon Kitna" and "three Bengals were bitten by rabid dogs, and at least a dozen were visibly crying" might tip someone off that we aren't a real news page, but hey, those people don't have time to read disclaimers when they're spending all that time getting chased around by mutant cockroaches and screwing up national elections.
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
PPP Proves Enthusiasts Love the Camera
In Odd Irony, Camera Rarely Loves Enthusiasts
In an embarrassing turn of events, enthusiasts from across the country hammed it up for Robb Alvey’s video camera at the annual Phoenix Phall Phunfest in Elysburg, Pennsylvania. Alvey, famous for selling his coaster trip videos and making insensitive comments on his website, came under fire from the internet community recently for being an insensitive jackass.
This sentiment, however, was not evident at Knoebel’s, where various coaster tools aped, made faces at, and high-fived Alvey and his life partner Elissa White in a desperate attempt to make it into the videos they so despise. Jeremy Werkzeug of Appleton, WI, who on the RPCGRRC forum called Alvey a “complete dick,” jockeyed to be next to Robb in line for the bumper cars hoping to score an appearance in the background of Alvey’s taping.
“Hey, this is my one chance at fame – Can’t you see how important he is to our community? Plus, he has a video camera.” Monday morning, however, Werkzeug was back on the forums, talking about how rude and snobbish Alvey was to him for not wanting to be friends.
ACE Study Affirms Fears: No Attractive Single Women Under 30 Are Members
ACE (American Coaster Enthusiasts) released a study today that confirmed what many already suspected---there are no single attractive women under 30 in the club. Carole Sanderson, ACE Savior-on-High, said, in an exclusive ARN&R interview, "This was something that was always assumed, but has never been proven. Now we have concrete evidence that young voluptuous women do not join coaster clubs."
Many members expressed the sentiment that this was not news to them. Keith Sternberg of Ohio (RaptorRulzThaSky47 on AIM) said that when he looked around at coaster conventions all he saw was a sausage fest with some token females thrown in. When asked the last time he was on a date Sternberg got very silent.
The study also confirmed that while the majority of enthusiasts are male, most are not close to the national average of good looking. Tim Thompson, president of the American Attractiveness Institute (AAI), which conducted the coaster fan study, said that the sample group of enthusiasts rated an average of 2 out of 10 on the Kleinstien Attractiveness Rating System. He said, "Most coaster fans rated 'Run Over by the Ugly Truck,' which is better than 'Must Have Sex With a Paper Bag on Head,' but not as good as 'Beaten With the Ugly Stick.'"
Enthusiasts, however, are not discouraged by the recent news. Mandy Wright, a 35 year-old female enthusiast described as "fugly" said she is un-phased. "I am going to do what I do best and that is have fun with all of my enthusiast friends...all of whom happen to be male."
Keith Sternberg said that he wouldn't change his modus operandi for finding women because of the AAI-conducted study. "My Friday nights are going to be the same," he said. "Roller Coaster Tycoon, chatting with my lady-friends in a Yahoo! Coaster Group and watching 'America Screams' with Vincent Price. I just love it when he says, 'Rolley Coaster!'" Sternberg said as his gut shook with pride.
Monday, October 06, 2003
CoasterLand Coaster Inc. Coasters Inc. Wins Rare Honor
There is little to be said about this site besides: Yikes. B_u_m8803@yahoo.com, we bow down in awe of your cretinous use of popup boxes and incredibly annoying music. And your completely nonalphabetical listing of states. [Ed. Note: One of our correspondents, with far too much time on his hands, points out that the listing is, helpfully enough, in the order that the states joined the Union. Thanks, Rain Man!]
Congratulations, CoasterLand Coaster Inc. Coasters Inc., you're our Site O' the Weak!
Addendum: One of our friends informed us that this site "made [her] lose the will to live."
Microsoft Debuts “Ban’em 2K3” Software to Amusement Industry
To meet the demand of Amusement Park industry heads, Microsoft has devised the latest in industry software. In an exclusive interview with ARN&R, Bill Gates demonstrated the future of Park Banning.
“Our new software integrates the privacy forfeiture of Windows XP into our existing small business applications. Now, whenever a coaster enthusiast badmouths a park on the internet, park management is immediately notified thanks to Microsoft's new ToolSpider technology. With just a few clicks, the offender’s name, address, social security number, and passport photo are in the hands of management.”
Banned enthusiasts can be nabbed thanks to retinal scanners posted at Lemon Chill stands throughout the park if they disobey park management and try to sneak in. “This software alerts security immediately of any banned coaster enthusiast on park property so that they can be dealt with swiftly and be sent home, to hopefully share their experience on the Internet, preferably using MSN Explorer.” said Gates. Additionally, Microsoft is reportedly in the final stages of testing SalivaGuard, a new sensor apparatus designed to recognize banned enthusiasts through rapid DNA analysis of their drool that inevitably drops near hot dog stands.
Cedar Fair has already purchased the software package and plans to have everything in place “in time to keep out CSTRTUL24 and AIRTIMEWHORE435 out of our beautiful parks.”
Sunday, October 05, 2003
Limbaugh Fired as ACE Coaster Analyst
Rabid fascist beached whale Rush Limbaugh was fired tonight by the American Coaster Enthusiasts following derogatory comments he made during the group's weekly coaster special. This news comes less than a week after the corpulent racist jackoff resigned from ESPN following his insensitive and completely repulsive comments about Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb.
"We really thought Rush would watch himself after his incident with ESPN," said ACE Immediate Past Dictator for Life Bill Linkenheimer III. "Not that I'm all that upset about it. When I was president, having that bulbous Hutt around meant that our already-staggering buffet bills were almost double their highest total before we signed him on."
Linkenheimer added that "he really knows absolutely nothing about roller coasters, now that I think about it. Not that he knew crap about football, either. Or anything else, for that matter. Huh. Too bad he was getting all that money...I guess he was just a fatass waste of decent oxygen all along."
The new round of offensive remarks happened on air during the Saturday ACE program Let's Work Those Lats. Limbaugh, a prize-winning jackass buffoon, claimed, with no provocation, "I don't understand why the liberal media is always trying to root for black roller coasters just because they're black. Take that Batman ride at Six Flags St. Louis, for example. If it wasn't black, none of these stupid liberal feminists would be putting it in their top lists. I bet if it were white, no one would even notice it's there. Then compare that to a fine white Aryan coaster like Screamin' Eagle, which gets ignored just because it's white. That's real discrimination, not that fake Brown vs. Board of Education stuff people whined so much about in the fifties."
The pompous steaming mound of human excrement then smoothed his bright purple Grand Dragon uniform down before continuing, "it's really such a trial being a bloated, smug, rich white male prick asswipe these days, I tell you. I have to watch every minute to be sure I'm not being oppressed."
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.