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Friday, September 05, 2003
An Open Letter to Coaster Enthusiasts (from the Lemon Chill Guy)
Dear Coaster Enthusiasts:
I was right after all. Yeah, that was me – I told you that Hercules was coming down. You just rolled your eyes when I told you to ride it while you still could. See? I was right after all! I know that you didn’t believe me when I said that they were gonna taer [sic] it down, but what are you going to do now? Where’s your precious woodie now? Huh? Huh?
So next time that bitch Becky from Dippin’ Dots starts chatting you up about some "tera tera tera" nonsense, remember that it was me, Dairrek - The Lemon Chill Guy, that told you about Hercules coming down in 2003.
In closing, I want you all to know that you can suck it.
Dairrek Von Benld
Lemon Chill Guy
Thursday, September 04, 2003
Online Forum Participation Proves Safety Conscientiousness
Coaster Enthusiasts scrambled to prove they follow safety regulations by posting to a CoasterBuzz thread on Tuesday. The thread, a response to an editorial post made by Jeff Putz, rocked the online community of enthusiasts, who immediately rushed to prove that other enthusiasts, not frequent CoasterBuzz posters, were responsible for Cedar Fair’s letter to coaster club presidents. That letter suggested that enthusiasts' intentional avoidance of park rules was threatening the availability of events at Cedar Fair parks. Putz's editorial made the shocking suggestion that enthusiasts should act like sensible adults and that a failure to do so could cause harm relations with parks as well as resulting in injury or death.
The phrases “I never” and “I agree” were copied and pasted by at least 25 members within a span of mere hours.
In an exclusive ARN&R interview by e-mail, one anonymous poster explained the rush of posts, expanding the thread to a whopping four pages by press time. “By posting in an online forum to declare that I follow safety rules, and scorn any enthusiast who doesn’t, I am proving my love and allegiance for this fine hobby and making sure nobody thinks it is my fault. Because it's not my fault. I never break the rules and I agree with the people who said it's not our fault.”
Other forum participants agree, adding that ACE members who don’t post online, and who specifically didn’t chime in on the thread, are probably the culprits. “If ACE members aren’t involved enough to spend their days posting in online forums, their love is not true, and therefore makes them the obvious targets of the letters.” said another member. "I never break the rules and I agree with the people who said it's not our fault," the member added.
A small group of enthusiasts are currently working to memorize the profile photos of anyone who did not post to agree with Jeff on the thread, and plan to give those people ‘really dirty looks’ at PPP.
ACE Events a Beautiful and Inspiring Example of Diversity
The new issue of ACE News is out, and as its throngs of fans have come to expect, it provides yet another heartwarming example of the diversity of ACE. Throughout the issue, ACE events are painstakingly documented with dozens of photographs, and the rainbow of humanity reminds the reader of the fact that our nation is one grand tapestry, with over 25% of the population being non-white.
ACE News's cover story -- CoasterCon's 25th anniversary, which took place at Busch Gardens Williamsburg and Paramount's Kings Dominion in Virginia -- is a terrific example. While Virginia's population is 19.6% black, the photographs of ACE indicate...um, actually, nobody other than white people. But it does have an extremely tasteful photograph of various ACE members wearing Afro wigs, so we're sure they were thinking about black people! And, of course, we're sure there were some actual African-Americans, Hispanics, and other minorities there. They just didn't happen to make it into any of the 28 pictures featuring Con attendees.
Even in New Mexico, New York, Texas, Georgia -- states with hardly any minority populations at all (34%, 32%, 29%, and 35%, respectively) -- all hosts to ACE events -- ACE's diversity shines through. Again, we're certain there were more than...let's see, we can count these...zero non-white people in attendance. Surely there were.
Reached for comment, the ACE Publications Director pointed out the enormous diversity of facial hair and hairstyles evident in the issue's photographs. "You've got mullets, beards, beards without moustaches, moustaches without beards, and I think we had a neck beard too!"
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
New Site O' the Weak
Please, please, please visit this week's Site O' the Weak, Shoewee's Crazy Pictures. Thrill to wacky Wal-Mart pictures! Be amazed at the nutty hijinks that take place at Cedar Point! Query how someone couldn't handle Area Three Games while working at Cedar Point! Meditate on the possible meanings of Jeanette having a "great relationship" with what appears to be an entire male college class for a week! And, most of all, wonder why the heck he'd include a character picture when the characters were mean all summer long! (Linus was not as bad as Schroeder. Schroeder was a prick.)
Note: We blew out Shoewee's bandwidth allocation in about two minutes when we first found this site, so if you're unable to access it, be patient. Please believe us that it is worth the wait.
Tasty Little News Tidbits
According to official sources, our story about Star Tours receiving a new Star Wars Holiday Special theme was "complete and utter bull*%it." Says Lucas rep Derek Klivian, "Whoever told you that information should be fed alive to a dianoga. Disney and Lucas have been working hard on making this new attraction something really special, and it hurts their feelings to be insulted by this sort of nonsense. Actually, the new ride will be themed entirely to Wes Janson, a minor character who has like three lines in The Empire Strikes Back. I was a little worried about this myself, but then when I saw that there was an entire website devoted to Wes Janson, I knew it was a great decision. We've even released some cool photos of some of the scary creatures you'll see during the ride experience." ARN&R thanks Mr. Klivian for his candor.
A recent article in our publication broke the news that Dutch Wonderland had been outed. Apparently this article has started a trend among closeted amusement rides and parks, as a website recently revealed that Six Flags Over Texas's Titan is a "Gay Roller Ride!" We applaud Titan for its courageous decision.
Recently, our website reported that a new David Hasselhoff-themed park, featuring Knight Rider and Baywatch roller coasters, a German Festhaus, Pamela Anerson honeymoon videos, and top-notch musical shows based wholly on Hasselhoff songs, would premiere with a scary dark ride called David Hasselhoff is the Antichrist. Some dispute this information. "Carrot Top is clearly the Antichrist," said one highly placed amusement industry insider who wishes to remain anonymous. "The whole premise of the ride just goes down in flames right there. So to speak." ARN&R stands by its sources.
Screamscape's annual "Ultimate" poll is a favorite of enthusiasts, but one popular category is off the board this year: Ultimate Lame Ride Name Award. "It's so clearly going to be Thunder Dolphin, I'm certainly not going to waste my time coming up with other candidates just so it can plow over them and get 99.5% of the vote," said webmaster Lance Hart.
With the imminent start of the NFL season looming this Thursday, Arlington, Virginia coaster enthusiast William Chipotle is in quite a pickle. According to Chipotle, now that he has drafted his fantasy football team, he has to fight the hot chicks off with a stick. "It's awful!" he told ARN&R. "What do I have to do to get rid of these young, nubile babes? I was already getting way too much sex with flawless, horny chicks every day when they found out about my computer programming skills, my awesome coaster patch-encrusted jacket I wear every day, my Lord of The Rings online gaming group, and my visiting the Torcon just to see Janis Ian using her honeymoon to see geeks in giant lobster costumes. But now that I've got my lineup set for opening week of our three-man keeper league, these starlets are just completely out of control. Curse my studliness and sex appeal!"
Sunday, August 31, 2003
Six Flags New England Garners Second Humanitarian Award in a Week
Six Flags Theme Parks, coming off an announcement of roughly the 35th straight year of massive losses, needed some good news, and it got some. Six Flags New England, in Agawam, Massachusetts, received its second major award for humanitarian activities in just a week. Just a few days ago, SFNE received the Phillip Morris Public Service Award for encouraging heavy and rule-violating smoking among minors.
And this week, the news was even better, as the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development (better known as HUD) awarded the theme park the annual Award for Practical Efforts to End Homelessness.
SFNE's spokeswoman Martha Quinn-Bouza shared with ARN&R the basis for the prize.
"We realized we had a lot of comfortable and padded space that was never used by the park," she said over a nine-dollar serving of roasted potatoes. "Specifically, the second and third trains for all of our coasters sit abandoned almost all the time. So we figured -- why not let the homeless live in there?"
The park has opened to the homeless what Quinn-Bouza describes as "totally unnecessary and superfluous" trains on Thunderbolt, Cyclone, and Superman: Ride of Steel. "We haven't used the second train on Thunderbolt since sometime in the 1950s, and the Cyclone hasn't had two-train operation since about 1991," she said. "And we realized we were really only using the second train on Superman when the line exceed eighteen hours and our patrons actually begin eating each other. So we gave Superman's train to a real nice family where both parents had been working for dot-coms."
The park had previously attempted to encourage a family to move into Mind Eraser's spare train, but were rebuffed. "It's the craziest thing," she said. "They said they'd rather sleep on park benches than come near a Vekoma train."
HUD Secretary Mel Martinez elaborated: "This is just the sort of thing we in the Bush administration want to encourage, since we have no plans to actually spend money to help the homeless. Really, the only way we'd like this more is if there were crazy evangelicals screaming at the homeless families, so we could call it 'a faith-based initiative.'" He added, "It might be good if they gave them bathrooms, too. Their urine stench is making the park smell bad." Martinez later corrected his comments when he was told that the park has always smelled like that.
President Bush even mentioned the park's initiative in a speech to junior high students near his ranch in Crawford, Texas. "Roller coasters fun. Go up, down."
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
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