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Saturday, August 30, 2003
Shocking Kiss Highlights Golden Ticket Awards
Ever since Madonna kicked off the inaugural 1984 Golden Ticket Award Show on MTV with a lurid strip tease involving a greased Shivering Timbers and backup dancers wearing nothing but Beast thongs and rosary beads, the show has continued to push the limits. Last night, at the 2003 GTA's, the event proved it could still startle with the best of them, when Golden Ticket Best Park winner and amusement icon Cedar Point open-mouth tongue-kissed Islands of Adventure and Six Flags New Orleans onstage.
As an unnannounced surprise, the two scantily-clad young stars had appeared onstage at the beginning of the ceremony to offer a tribute to the long-popular Cedar Point. After lauding Millennium Force, Raptor, and Blue Streak, and bringing Jack Black to the stage for a good-natured ribbing of Disaster Transport and Mean Streak, the two up-and-coming parks beckoned offstage, and Cedar Point appeared to thunderous applause. All three parks then launched into a lurid, bump-and-grind, oiled version of Snoopy Rocks on Ice, but the surprises didn't end there. At the conclusion of the song, Cedar Point offered the sexy full-on lesbian tongue-wrestle to first Islands of Adventure, and then Six Flags New Orleans.
"Oh man," said Six Flags Magic Mountain. "That was the coolest thing I've ever seen. I better not win any awards, or I'll have to stand up and everyone will see just how cool I thought it was."
"Whoa, dat's off da hook, yo," noted Justin Timberlake, desperately and pathetically trying to convince people that he is not a rich white boy. "I's gonna go in an' break me off a slice o' dat, mmmmm-HMMMmmm."
Some were not so aroused or amused by the tongueplay. "I'm disgusted," said Frontier City. "These Golden Ticket Awards are supposed to be about Family Values, and here these sluts show us wicked sins and temptations. When we win this award next year, I assure you Frontier City will not stoop to faux-lesbian posturing, unacceptably skimpy clothing, or free sex with Christina Aguilera while riding Wicked Twister. No, we will dominate the competition because we are family friendly, and because we have the best rides, the best theming, and the cleanest, friendliest, and best landscaped park. Boo-yah!" Frontier City concluded its bizarre remarks by making the "Heisman Pose" in the direction of Cedar Point.
Friday, August 29, 2003
Phillip Morris Awards Public Service Award
It was announced today that Phillip Morris would be awarding its annual Special Public Service in Support of the Tobacco Industry Award to the amusement park Six Flags New England.
"This day is a great one for our amusement park," said Six Flags New England manager Henry Hacker. "We've been doing our best to angle for this kind of recognition from Big Tobacco, and damn if it didn't finally pay off. Guests have been pleased this year to note that we are maintaining a 93% level of people under 15 smoking in our park. Additionally, we are very proud of our 'non-smoking policy' in line." Here he paused to stifle a chuckle. "A survey of the line for Superman last week uncovered the fact that, on average, 76% of the entire line is smoking! That's just amazing!"
Hacker added that "the fact that so many teenagers are firing up and blowing their foul fumes at the non-smokers in line, and generally doing so right in front of laughable signs threatening expulsion for smoking in line, is just extra spunky. And we've of course instructed our ride ops not to call anyone down for spewing noxious waste out their mouths right in the station, and our crack security squad makes sure to avoid being anywhere near that line, both because we wouldn't want them to stop the white trash from sharing their smoke stench, or to prevent them from cutting in line at a rate of 6,456,895 cuts per minute that we currently maintain."
Jesse Helms will be the Philip Morris special guest at the presentation. Helms assured ARN&R that he would be certain to knock over some cancer patients and spit in their faces on his way to the podium, and probably find time to persecute some blacks and gays and burn some schools down on his way back to his plantation when it is finished.
Thursday, August 28, 2003
New ARN&R Feature: Site O' the Weak
See that new link over there on the left? Yes, indeed, we have a new feature, the Site O' the Weak. Every week or so, we'll share with you the greatest waste of coaster-related web space we can find, whether it's a discussion where some idiot can't imagine that a lap bar could be enough to hold you safely in a coaster or this week's featured site, spending page after poorly-designed page praising a long-defunct theme park in Arkansas dedicated to perpetuating the redneck hillbilly stereotype of the Ozark Mountain residents.
Got a nominee? Send us a note.
Note: Any submissions suggesting a link to a site featuring satirical news of the amusement industry or coaster enthusiasts will be ignored.
Area Man Questions Sexuality After Experiencing Top Gun: The Jet Coaster
Asheville, North Carolina, resident Jason MacDunleavy began to question his sexual preference after a ride on the B&M inverted coaster "Top Gun: The Jet Coaster" last Saturday at Paramountís Carowinds.
"As I got in line, I heard the Kenny Loggins song Dangerzone," said Dunleavy. "My heart started pounding when I saw giant pictures of Val Kilmer and Tom Cruise. I was really pumped Ė my adrenaline level was so high, I felt an overwhelming desire to high five, and then experience hot man love with, the Iceman. That second part -- you know, the hot man love part -- sort of surprised me."
By the time MacDunleavy got into the ride station, he had begun to look at his girlfriend as if she were a stranger. "I donít know what happened," said Jennifer Kailo, Jasonís longtime girlfriend. "Take My Breath Away was playing on the P.A. Ė it was our song. I reached out for Jasonís hand and he practically jumped back from me." By the time the couple had gone through the flat spin, Jason had ended the relationship, telling Kailo that he needed "time to think."
Quentin Tarantino, famed movie director and expert on the effects of Top Gun on male sexuality, was not surprised. "Itís only natural that a ride inspired by the most homoerotic movie of all time would make a man gay."
Wednesday, August 27, 2003
American Coaster Enthusiast General Store to Offer Portraits
Continuing its bold expansion, which has recently included muumuuus and themed bedroom toys, the American Coaster Enthusiast Online General Store has just announced that it will be offering portraits of enthusiasts with their favorite coaster designers in the next couple of weeks.
"As always, ACE is ever striving to make the experience of being in our mighty organization all the more sumptious," purred ACE Almighty Benevolent Supreme Pasha, Air Marshall, and P-Funk All-Star Carole Sanderson. "Since we can't get our magazines out on time or get the details of the Fall Conference straight before it's actually happened, we felt like continuing to improve our product line was the way to go."
Sanderson continued: "After seeing the wonderful website where this woman takes scary photographs of inbred hillbillies and then paints a portrait of those people with Stevie Nicks, we knew we'd discovered the perfect new thing for ACE. Instead of having pathetic degenerates send their pictures in so they can be painted into an alarming composition with Stevie Nicks, they will send their onboard ride photos in, and the bozo sitting next to them will be replaced in the wonderful artwork by Werner Stengel, Herb Schmeck, Ron Toomer, or the entire Gravity Group. I hope they have Charles Dinn. He's so dreamy, and The Beast really is the bestest, most airtime-filled ride ever created."
"This is great!" exclaimed ACer Ted Baldknobber, 40. "I've always admired Werner Stengel, and I couldn't think of the appropriate way of showing this adoration. Now I know I can get a gorgeous art installation like 'Kim and Stevie' or 'Jon and Stevie' from the portrait website. And maybe I can get LaMarcus Thompson and myself on a tambourine or even tattoed on my ass."
"My life had no meaning whatsoever until I viewed the spectacular painting of 'Stevie and Tracy,' said ACE member Marty Feldman, 36. "Now I know that I can have Dennis McNulty riding beside me on Boulderdash forever. Although I wonder if we could leave Stevie and Tracy in the seat behind us for my painting. Seeing two women that hot and sexy and that close always gets my mind racing, you know?"
Sales of the Designer Paintings will begin on approximately September 3rd, the Almighty Benevolent Supreme Pasha told ARN&R.
Report: HersheyPark Pops MTV Video Music Awards Winner
With the 2003 MTV Video Music Awards set to air tomorrow night, rumors have been flying about the likely winners. From betting pools to water cooler discussions, nothing is more important to any U.S. citizen than the winner of the awards. "I, like, heard that Justin Timberlake will win!" exclaimed fourteen-year-old Ashlee Gorms, interviewed outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
But the actual winners' names are kept under lock and key, and all those rumors have just been rumors.
ARN&R can exclusively report that the wildly successful HersheyPark Pops orchestra will win at least the Best Male Video prize, and possibly the Best Female Video and Best Group Video awards as well. After a bizarre rash of disqualifications, based generally on the other performers' intensely painful venereal diseases preventing their appearance at the show, the Pops will be added as last-minute nominees approximately an hour before the broadcast will begin.
The Pops' rousing performance of the theme to Star Wars will be the winning song. The Star Wars video, which has rapidly gained near-constant airplay on MTV, MTV-2, and VH-1, consists of a quickly-edited combination of the videotape taken by three tourists visiting on a hot Saturday afternoon along with solos performed by a violist standing in front of a life-size Darth Vader cutout.
"Awesome!" said Gorms when told of the orchestra's likely win. "That video totally rocks! But I don't know why they couldn't edit out that idiot yelling 'More up-bows!' He was a jerk."
Tuesday, August 26, 2003
Breaking News -- Huge Six Flags Profits
For the first time in over a half-decade, Six Flags Theme Parks Inc. announced mindblowingly incredibly unbelievably huge profits, thrilling investors with visions of a future of constant and enormous...
They lost metric assloads of money again. Didn't see that minus sign there.
Move on. Nothing to see here.
Ambassadors Fail in Mideast Peace Talks
After the latest round of violence between Israelis and Palestinians swept the Mideast this week, the United States took what many experts considered to be its boldest action in some years: sending in the Ambassadors. Sadly, the group of five high school youngsters serving as Ride Ambassadors at Worlds of Fun park, near Kansas City, unfortunately failed miserably in achieving lasting peace and harmony in the troubled region.
"I got the call personally from President George W. Bush," said Billy Joe Harrigan, 16. "I was proud to serve the interests of the world by flying over to India to work out the problems between the British and the Djiboutians. It didn't seem to work much, but we'll keep trying, just like we keep trying to get that dumb Boomerang to work right for more than four minutes at a time."
"It's too bad we couldn't succeed in doing, you know, that stuff or whatever," added Sue Canner, 15, in thoughtful, succinct fashion. "I tried to think of what I'd do to, you know, that thing or whatever on the Pirate Ship, but that didn't solve the problems for the Pakistanis and the Hare Krishnas or whoever it is that, you know, they don't get along or something."
Donte Stallworth, 18, noted that "anyone who doesn't love each other by Tuesday, we'll put them on Orient Express and ram those horsecollars down on their collarbones until they snap, and then those punks from Sri Lanka and Canada will fix stuff and we'll be heroes."
"Who are these cretins?" flustered United Nations Peace Discusser Umberto Boutros Darklighter said in a press conference this morning. "President Bush promises to help us resolve our problems with Palestinians, and then he sends over these idiot 'Ride ambassadors.'" -here Darklighter made those irritating air quotes with his fingers- "All they know about are amusement park attractions. They can't even figure out what country they're in or who they are supposed to be talking with! Why can't we get real negotiators?"
The question is a good one, but will likely remain unanswered. Today, high-ranking Israeli and Palestinian authorities assured ARN&R that they both fully intend to just go on killing and maiming and generally acting pretty much like complete assholes, and no Ride Ambassadors, Cast Members, or Special Happy Fun Mechanical Device Enabling Support Staff Technicians can stop them.
Monday, August 25, 2003
Confirmed: Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom Will Get 'The Shaft' In 2004
Rival rumor reporting Web site, Screamscape.com, reported on Friday, August 22nd, that Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom would 'most likely get the shaft for 2004.' Much more well-informed and intellectually superior reporters at ARN&R were able to undeniably confirm that rumor today.
After a long night of heavy drinking and salacious skirt chasing on Saturday with Kentucky Kingdom vice-president and general manager Lee Graham, ARN&R reporter JWS challenged Graham to an all-nude grape jelly and brown gravy wrestling match. JWS wagered his entire collection of roller coaster shaped Frosted Flakes against Graham's ante of an exclusive interview about Kentucky Kingdom's plans for their new mystery attraction for 2004.
A very sickeningly sticky grape, gravy Graham lost his dignity as well as the wrestling match after being pinned in just less than 30 seconds by the admittedly considerably more experienced sweetmeat wrestler JWS. As a result of his embarrassing loss, Graham was forced to spill the beans about what is coming to Kentucky Kingdom in 2004.
In between numerous booze-induced blackouts, and while he wasn't 'praying to the porcelain god', Graham somewhat incoherently described the new ride.
"It's called The Love Shaft. It's made by Eminem from Swisherland and it's gonna kick ash. It's really, really, really tall and thick and stuff shoots out of it while people go up and down on it. Wanna see my own personal demonshrash... demonspraysh... essample of it?" warbled Graham with a lustfully devilish grin on his face.
JWS politely declined Graham's offer of a 'personal demonstration' of the new ride and instead pressed Graham for further details.
Several breath mints, two cold showers, and eight cups of coffee later, JWS was able to determine from Graham that the ride will actually be called simply 'The Shaft.' Intamin of Switzerland will manufacture the ride. It will be very similar to an S&S double-shot tower ride combined with exhilarating water effects. The tower will stand 225 feet tall and will accommodate 16 guests per ride cycle. Each ride cycle will last approximately 30 seconds. For the coup de grace, a fountain of water will spray out of the top of the ride drenching guests as they are bounced up and down on the tower.
The Shaft is expected to begin popping at Kentucky Kingdom in June 2004.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.