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Friday, July 18, 2003
Paramount Executives Baffled By Online Survey Responses
The results of an online survey, sponsored by Paramount Parks, designed to give Paramount executives some idea of the types of rides and attractions that guests would like to see at Paramount's theme parks are beginning to pour in. Paramount executives have been quite shocked by the survey responses so far, to say the least.
Execs have been puzzled by the survey responses from start to finish beginning with the very first set of questions that asks users to rate leisure time activities on a scale of 'extreme dislike' to 'extreme like.' It seems that most survey respondents 'extremely like' 'going to a restaurant', 'playing home video games', 'visiting a theme park' and 'sleeping.'
Other activities, however, are getting nothing but 'extreme dislike' rankings by survey respondents. Activities like 'spending time with friends', 'going to a friend's house', 'hanging out with boyfriend/girlfriend', 'going to a party', 'playing sports', 'going on a date' and 'working' apparently don't rate at all with Paramount guests. Paramount execs are beginning to worry that all of their theme park guests are anti-social introverts with low self-esteem and no friends.
Also somewhat surprisingly, the activity rated 'least liked' by survey takers thus far is 'exercising/working out.' Paramount execs were also very stunned to learn that many survey respondents 'would rather stay indoors than go out.' Execs had assumed that most guests must like exercising since they most likely spend a lot of time walking around in theme parks and they must enjoy getting outside so that they can visit theme parks.
The shock did not end there though. Paramount execs were further astonished to learn that, when asked 'what would you like to see at Paramount Parks', most survey respondents answered that they would like to see 'more buffet style restaurants with lots of free gravy', 'much, much longer seat belts on roller coasters and drop rides that will hold bigger people in' and 'more pretty girl ride attendants with big hooters.' Execs had incorrectly assumed that most guests would probably like to see an expensive new thrill ride or a fancy new pyrotechnics laden show.
Paramount execs were just about floored to learn that survey respondents felt that theme park attendance has dropped off over the past few years because of 'Rockford Files reruns on TV-Land' and 'an increase in broadband access for coaster enthusiasts resulting in increased masturbation time.' Execs did not know how to react to those responses at all.
Finally, execs were just flabbergasted after reading responses to what survey respondents felt that theme parks could do in order to get people back to the parks. Respondents overwhelmingly answered 'only build roller coasters from now on', 'offer ACE members more free stuff and more ERT', 'don't let those bastard general public people in so much' and 'MORE FREE GRAVY! I already told you that!'
Obviously, Paramount execs are beginning to feel that their survey has been an incredible waste of time and money.
ARN&R reporters keenly noted that the Paramount Parks survey responses started trending this way shortly after a link to the online survey appeared in a thread on rec.roller-coaster. Coaster enthusiasts around the world continue to discredit any connection between the two events and insist that it is all purely one big coincidence, as they fully and accurately reflect the views of every right-thinking person everywhere.
ARN&R Editor to be Flogged After Two-Week Trip Yields No New Coaster Credits
ARN&R's Dictator for Life today announced that he would voluntarily submit to a five-minute flogging after a two-week vacation resulted in only one coaster ridden. "I was in Northern California for two weeks and failed to visit a single major amusement park, despite the fact that I have never been to Six Flags Marine World, Bonfante Gardens, or Parmount's Great America. My single evening at Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk is admittedly pathetic," he said in an interview. "I suck," he added.
Reports indicate that Bonfante Gardens was on the planned itinerary but, in a stunning confusion of priorities, the editor chose to remain at a Monterey playground with his children, considering their obvious delight in the genuine locomotive there to somehow be more important than driving an hour for a park that his children might or might not enjoy.
"It's amazing," said ACE Grand Princess for All Eternity Carole Sanderson. "How he could possibly put something like the sheer enjoyment of free time on a sunny afternoon in a playground over a chance to get on a coaster -- and with those kids in tow, I bet he could get on all the kiddie rides too -- is beyond me. We'll be kicking him out promptly." Sanderson expressed similar disgust with the decision to visit the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art, a San Francisco Giants game, and the Bay Area Discovery Center. "Art? Sports? Educational children's activities? Pshaw," she said with contempt.
Exclusive investigative reporting has revealed that, while at the Beach Boardwalk, the editor failed to even ride either of the coasters present besides the Giant Dipper, even though he could have ridden the kiddie coaster with his four-year-old who, showing a similar lack of judgment, asked for another ride on the Pirate Ship instead of the roller coaster.
The four-year-old has been banned from ACE membership for life.
ACE General Store to Offer Muumuu
Exciting news reached coaster enthusiasts this evening, as the American Coaster Enthusiasts (ACE) Executive Committee approved the sale of muumuus at the ACE Online General Store.
"Today is a great day for the members of our organization," stated ACE Imperious Master Overlord for Life Carole Sanderson. Showing off sketches of the new product with a laser pointer and large glossy poster, Sanderson pointed out the typical ACE logo seen on other products, such as t-shirts and jackets. Naturally, for products this large, the logo is decidedly more ample than the one seen on other products. Said Sanderson, "We expect these things to sell in the millions. I've been to every ACE event for free the last several years, and, believe me, the stunning amount of buffet obliteration I've seen ACErs commit has convinced me that the sale of official muumuus is the surest way to get us enough money for our Gravy Museum and Archives."
Promotions Director Lee Colletti gave reporters further details. "We've been selling XL-sized shirts for years, then with the addition of various dripping foods on sticks and the emergence of Deep Fried Oreos in recent years, we upgraded to XXL. But that could not contain the Jabba-like mounds of raw flesh created by the All-U-Can-Eat Suet, Buckets O' Hamburger, and metric assloads of gravy being consumed at the feeding frenzies known as 'ACE Picnics.' The muumuu was our only choice. Now any ACE member can look stylish and sexy, while also supporting their great organization, in our sleek line of muumuus."
Colletti went on to say that "we will start by featuring the muumuus in garish, hard-to-miss colors such as Dayglo Pink, Neon Orange, Paisley, Chrome, and, of course, Bright Fuchsia. After all, who wouldn't be damn proud to show off such a great enthusiast garment after gorging on the whole cow at Wild Adventures? And won't the muumuus look great flapping away in the breeze as their owners ride inverted coasters like Raptor and Talon?"
Colletti also noted that "there are a few naysayers who worry that ACE members wearing those bright purple muumuus will be referred to as 'Grimace' or 'Barney,' but that's really just silly, unprovoked speculation."
Sanderson concluded the discussion by mentioning that ACE has plans for even more exciting, original merchandise with the ACE logo attached. Among those mentioned were ACE codpieces, ACE jock straps, ACE kilts, and ACE Vaseline.
Thursday, July 17, 2003
Six Flags America Guests Stranded On Tilt-A-Whirl For Two Hours
On Monday, July 14th, sixteen guests at Six Flags America in Largo, Maryland, were left stranded for over two hours on "The Tilt," a Sellner Manufacturing Company Tilt-A-Whirl ride, until local police and fire department rescue personnel arrived and freed the terrified guests.
The horror started shortly after two o'clock in the afternoon when a power surge caused the ride to malfunction during mid-cycle.
"The ride just stopped right in the middle, way before it should have. I could tell that something awful had happened, but there was nothing at all that I could have done to prevent it," sobbed Six Flags America ride operator, Gary Limberger.
After the power disruption, riders were left stranded in their Tilt-A-Whirl cars, most of them uncomfortably reclined at nearly twenty-five degree angles. The cars continued to roll around for a few seconds after the ride stopped causing at least two riders to become extremely nauseated.
Other riders, realizing that something had definitely gone frighteningly wrong, began to moan and cry hysterically. One guest went so far as to carve his last will-and-testament onto the seat back of the ride car with his girlfriend's nail file because he was unsure if he would make it out of the disaster alive.
After almost twenty-three minutes, Six Flags employees were finally able to reach the guests that were trapped on the terrorizing Tilt-A-Whirl. Employees did their best to console the petrified park patrons during their agonizing two-hour ordeal.
"We brought them fancy French bottled water and foot-long hot dogs," said Janet Porter, vice-president and general manager of the park. "We also offered inexpensive manicures to the women and half-priced massaging foot baths to the men in order to ease their suffering," continued Porter.
After countless unsuccessful attempts by Six Flags maintenance workers to either restart the ride or release the ride's lap-bar restraints, local police and fire department officials were summoned to the scene. Using the jaws-of-life, fire department rescue workers were able to pry open the restraints and free the near panic-stricken park-goers.
Rattled guests were so ecstatic to finally be freed from the dreadful ride that several of them kneeled down and actually kissed the ground, while many others headed straight to nearby pay phones to phone their loved ones or attorneys.
One rescued guest was overheard muttering to her friend, "I will never ever ride a Tilt-A-Whirl again no matter how long I live, at least not in this s*%#-hole park!"
When ARN&R reporters asked Porter why park employees didn't just pull up on the Tilt-A-Whirl lap-bars to free the trapped guests since the ride's lap-bars do not even lock in the first place, Janet replied, "Uh... well... um... Look! Over there! It's Jessica Alba! She's naked, and she's belching!"
As we quickly turned to try to catch a glimpse of a naked, belching Jessica Alba, Porter disappeared down a storm drain and could not be found for further comment.
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
CoasterBuzz Club to Formalize Hazing, Add Branding; New Slogan Also Announced
In a widely-distributed press release, CoasterBuzz announced today that its successful club will formalize its already well-established brutal hazing practices as well as add branding of new members.
New members will now undergo a five-day hazing ritual complete with portly robed elder members slapping them repeatedly (with frequent breaks for the elders to catch their breath), forced gravy chugging, and wrapping up new members in twin-bed sheets (all too commonly available amongst members) and soaking them in Kool-Aid. "We might work on that last ritual. It sorta sucks," said owner Jeff Putz. "Maybe some of the frats at Ohio State have some ideas for us."
Additionally, new members will, at the end of the five-day ritual, receive a five-inch-diameter brand on their left buttock. According to Putz, the brand will replace the Club's membership card for admission to events. "It's a lot easier for us -- because, really, who's going to forget to bring their ass to an event?" The branding, performed with a red-hot cattle brand at the Club's events, will be included for free with membership.
In related news, CoasterBuzz announced its new slogan: "People Like It Here Because We're Funnier and Smarter Than They Are."
In an enormous en masse interview, a group made up of every member who spends an inordinate amount of time posting inordinately long messages all dedicated to how cool they are stated that the slogan simply reflects reality. "We are funnier and smarter than the people at every other enthusiast site," said the group of inordinate users in unison. "People like us. On this site, anyway; elsewhere, not so much. All those who are not us should bow down and not seek to engage us in debate, because, as we may have mentioned, we are funnier and smarter than they are."
The new members' brand will have the new slogan, slightly modified to read: "I like it at CoasterBuzz because they are funnier and smarter than I am. Love me. Please, love me. No, really. I could use a hug."
Enthusiast Getting Really Tired of Childish Travelling Partners
William Goodwin, 35-year-old coaster enthusiast from Omaha, Nebraska, is really fed up with the immature antics of his travelling buddies, sources tell ARN&R. The other men, Dave Branson, Wayne Washington, and Paul Redford, are all in their mid-thirties, yet they persist in behavior that Goodwin deems "really stupid."
"I do love these dudes," said Goodwin. "I've known them for years and they've been good friends. But I just don't know that I can ever go on another trip with them. It's like having three bratty kids in the hotel room and the car. Actually, bratty kids would be better, because you can threaten to take away their sugary snacks, but these guys are bigger than me, so that kind of threat doesn't really work."
Goodwin catalogued a series of irritations he had been subjected to on his latest vacation with his coaster buddies, this one through Indiana, Kentucky, and Ohio. "The farting contests got old real quick. And that thing where they hold out their hand in this particular shape, and then if you look at it you get punched? Yeah, that was fun once...in second grade. And it's just flat out gross the way they scam on those high school girls running the coasters. Oh, and the in-car food fights are also a small problem, seeing as I prefer not to have my nice pants and white dress shirts coated in grease and ketchup most of the time. Oh! And they always think it's cute to rearrange all the pictures and furniture in the hotel room! Augh!"
The final straw seemed to come with the way his friends "have to be immature about every sign or ride name they ever see." Says Goodwin, "they are incapable of calling Cornball Express by its real name. They always have to call it 'Cornhole Express.' And signs for 'Parking in Rear' are always enough to get them cackling. The worst was when we passed a sign for some recreation area called 'Big Bone Lick' between Louisville and Cincinatti. I have no idea what's so funny about that name, but they almost had a seizure when they saw it. I guess being mature is a little more difficult for some than for others."
Goodwin concluded by stating that he would continue to spend some time with his friends, but they would have to "giggle unceasingly about 'the Whizzer' and 'ThrustAir' without [him]."
Sunday, July 13, 2003
Eric Roberts signs on to Best of the Beast
Alex Grady is back - or will be in the summer of 2005. ARN&R has exclusive information that Paramount pictures has signed Eric Roberts to do a third installment of the Showtime staple Best of the Best series, this one set in Paramount's Kings Island theme park.
Roberts, a known coaster enthusiast who made his mark in the film industry with hits such as Star 80 and The Coca Cola Kid, had a minor straight-to-cable hit with the martial-arts themed movies Best of the Best I and II. "I was riding Son of Beast when inspiration struck me on the mid-course brake run: 'this is the best of the beast' - a few phone calls later we were in pre-production for the most XTreme summer blockbuster of 2005!"
Paramount pictures promises the same martial-arts thrills as I & II, and also guarantees that Eric Roberts will cry in at least one scene to keep up the tradition of his performances in BotB I & II.
"We are just thankful that we will have a new movie to worship instead of that piece of crap Rollercoaster." said an anonymous ACE member. "I'm tired of kissing Timothy Bottoms's ass to get him to come to our events." Calls to ACE to see when enthusiasts could get ERT by attending the filming went unanswered.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
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