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Friday, July 11, 2003
Lake Placid Event Surprises and Thrills ACE Members
According to the New England Dispatch, the regional newsletter for the New England members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, the Great Escape park in "Lake Placid," New York will likely host an event this summer. While somewhat surprising, since there are no coasters in Lake Placid and the only current Great Escape park is in Lake George, the news has been warmly greeted by members of the coaster organization.
"This is gonna rock," said Bert Feelyhands, 24. "I bet we get [exclusive ride time] on some of those cool Winter Olympics things like the luge run and some ski slopes and maybe we can even show off our ice dancing moves. I wonder how much it'll cost to get all the snow and ice going in the 95-degree weather though. Well, heck on a stick, that ain't my concern. That's why we've got event planners."
Feelyhands added that he hopes Lake Placid is installing a secret coaster that only the New England region knows about. "That would explain why we'd have an event at a place with no apparent coasters, right?"
A few party poopers failed to experience wonderment and amazement at the announcement of the possible event. Says Douglas Tallywacker, 50, "isn't Lake Placid where the giant crocodile was chasing around Bridget Fonda and that crap actor who played the President in Independence Day [Ed. note: Bill Pullman]? I'm sure not going to any Getting Eaten Alive by Giant Crocodile ERT."
According to reliable sources, ACE regional events will also be taking place in Calgary, Alberta; Park City, Utah; Albertville, France; Lillehammer, Norway; and Nagano, Japan in the near future.
Thursday, July 10, 2003
Britney Spears Admits: “I Rode Timberwolf”
For years, pop slut…er, princess…Britney Spears has insisted that, despite her whorish onstage and video shenanigans, she is a virgin who intends to remain unsullied until her wedding day. Although many in the media refused to take Spears’s claims that she had, in her words, “not been deflowerized,” we at ARN&R were willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Now, however, Spears has spilled the news: she has ridden throbbing piles of wood, and ridden those throbbing piles of wood long and hard.
In the pages of W magazine, Spears finally admitted the full extent of her sexual relationship with the woodie Timberwolf, located at Worlds of Fun. “I loved riding that woodie,” Spears said. "I have only ridden one long, rough woodie, and it was Timberwolf. I only did that because I thought it was ‘the one.’ Of course, after reading amusement park reviews online at Coasterglobe and Thrillride and Coasterbuzz, I now am aware that Timberwolf is not only not ‘the one,’ it’s more like ‘the three hundredth.’ But I was a young, chaste Catholic schoolgirl, so what did I know?”
Spears told reporters that she would not have divulged any of this information about her sordid life, but Timberwolf had gone on TV with Barbara Walters to make fun of her for throwing her hands in the air and shrieking while riding its thunderously powerful mass of pressurized pine, then moaning contentedly as the afterglow of a long, violent ride subsided and she pulled into the station.
"The most painful thing I've ever experienced was my breakup with Timberwolf," Spears says in W. "We were together so long and I had this vision. You think you're going to spend the rest of your life together. Where I come from, the woman is the homemaker, and that's how I was brought up--you cook for your kids. But now I realize I need my single time. There are other greased, slick rails I need to slide down, more thick slabs of wood I need to bounce up and down on, and far more airtime to experience. Maybe I should even try one of those sexy steel monsters I keep hearing about.”
Reports that “sexy steel monster” Colin Farrell had been providing Spears with “some SLC-level headbanging” the last few nights were not immediately confirmed.
Enthusiast Punished by ACE Disciplinary Committee
Justice was handed out in swift and savage style today by the American Coaster Enthusiast Disciplinary Committee, as wayward member Kirk James was rebuked for his “behavior unbecoming a coaster enthusiast.” An emergency session of the ACE Executive Committee was held to determine James’s punishment after he “failed to place roller coasters at the primacy of importance in his very existence” earlier in the week.
The incident in question occurred this past Monday. James, according to eyewitnesses, had intended to visit La Ronde Amusement Park in Montreal on his one day off during an extensive two-week business trip to Vermont. “It was kind of a haul, but I figured, hey, I’d be within a few hours of Montreal, so what the heck,” James told ARN&R. Unfortunately, this plan, which ACE Supreme High Inquisitor Carole Sanderson called “sound and full of goodness in its original conception,” did not achieve fruition. Instead, James heard from his friends, named by sources as David and Laura Watkins, that they would be visiting family in Boston on that very day that James intended to travel to experience the wonders of the “world’s tallest wood coaster” Le Monstre, Vampire, and the totally unique, wondrous and legendary Le Boomerang.
“I did at least have to ask if Dave and Laura wanted to come up and hang out at La Ronde,” said James. “I mean, I am an enthusiast, after all. But they literally had only this one day free, and were with their family, and didn’t want to make a 12 hour round trip after flying in across four time zones. So it was a no-brainer. Either I can go hang out with my good friends who I haven’t seen since they moved to Los Angeles four years ago, or I can be a big frickin’ tool and diss them to go ride coasters alone. I’m comfortable with my decision.”
James added that, “I hope I can get up there eventually. I wish I could’ve gone, but I guess my priorities are straight. Sneaking in a few new coasters would have been neat, but who knows when I’d see my pals again?”
“This is just the sort of disgusting behavior strictly prohibited in the ACE Code of Conduct,” sputtered Sanderson. “That document clearly states that coasters are to be the only thing ACE members can talk about or have any concern with. This man had a chance to add seven coasters to his credit list, eight if he counts Le Monstre as two and nine if he were to kidnap a small foreign child to get on the kiddie coaster! And instead he goes off to visit non-coaster-loving jerks in Boston. If he can’t get some priorities, the ACE Disciplinary Committee will ram some up his ass!”
The ACE Executive Junta and Special Tribunal of Disciplinary Action convened for three hours, after which it was decided that James would be fined $10,000, given 3 flagrant foul points, suspended from any coastering activities for a full year, and be placed on probation for ten years, during which any further violation will result in permanent suspension from ACE and from all amusement parks.
“I’m pleased that this troublemaker has received some punishment,” said Sanderson. “I’m all about punishment, believe me. But I simply don’t think it’s enough. I thought we might get enough votes to have this young punk terminated. I would have pushed for Execution by Six Flags Great Adventure Viper to send a message to those who don’t consider coasters the only thing in life that matters. Maybe we can just save that penalty for when we round up those ARN&R troublemakers.” Here Sanderson paused to gleefully salivate at this thought before continuing: “Although the execution order didn’t go through, due to the fact that the Junta is far more forgiving than I am, I certainly hoped at least to get a permanent suspension, but that wuss Matt Crowther argued that the offender get one last chance to behave. Damn his eloquence! I’m sick of molly-coddling these punks. If I have to dissolve my Junta and get a new one that agrees with everything I say, I’ll do it. Just watch me.”
James, meanwhile was defiant about the decision. “Let them try to keep from going to amusement parks when I feel like,” he said angrily. He then announced that he would challenge the ACE Code of Conduct by telling anyone within range that Beast sucks ass and that he would do his best at his next convention to keep his nametag displayed unclearly.
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
Six Flags Great America Builds Parking Lot on Top of Roller Coaster
In a never-ending quest to boost attendance at their theme parks by installing top-rate thrill rides and attractions, the Six Flags Corporation has added an exhilarating new parking lot on top of the existing Déjà vu roller coaster at Six Flags Great America in Gurnee, Illinois.
Jim Wintrode, vice-president and general manager of Six Flags Great America chatted with ARN&R reporters recently about this fantastic new addition to Great America.
"At Six Flags, we understand how important it is to listen to our guests," stated Wintrode. "Our extensive consumer research has indicated to us that Americans were ready for a new level of thrills at theme parks. They were looking for something bigger, better and ten times more exciting. We teamed up with Vekoma International, who did all of the phenomenal work on Déjà Vu, and asked them how we could take the thrill factor to the next level. Their response, build a bigger, better beautiful new parking lot. So, that's exactly what we did."
Due to a lack of space for expansion at Six Flags Great America, the new parking lot could not be built without sacrificing another attraction elsewhere in the park. Great America made the bold decision to build the lot right on top of one of their existing roller coasters.
"We chose to construct the coaster on top of our Déjà Vu roller coaster. We had a dozen or so coasters, so what if we lost one, especially Déjà Vu. Who would even notice?" asked Wintrode. "Besides, we didn't even have to tear down the coaster to install the new parking lot. We just built the lot right on top of the coaster. You see, our extensive consumer research has also indicated to us that the average theme park guest doesn't particularly care about the theming of eye-popping new parking lots, especially parking lots as impressive as this one. So, no one is going to care whether or not there is an old, defective rusting roller coaster right smack in the middle of this fancy new thrill lot, I assure you."
Great America's new parking lot opened to the public and to rave reviews on June 12th, 2003. The lot features 750 compact and mid-size parking spaces. Each space is outlined in a dazzling metallic white spray on paint. The lot itself is a deep shade of black asphalt and has metallic yellow borders spray-painted along all four of its outermost edges.
"She's a real beauty," Wintrode attests. "Our guests are lining up in droves for a chance to experience this parking lot. They just cannot get enough of it. Attendance [at Six Flags Great America] is up six percent so far this season, and I'm sure it will only get better as the word-of-mouth gets out. In addition, Six Flags Over Georgia and Six Flags Magic Mountain have reportedly been whining and begging for Vekoma to build nice new parking lots on top of their worthless Déjà Vu clones, as well.
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
Le Monstre Reclaims Title as World's Tallest Wood Roller Coaster
In a stunning development, it was discovered today that the new record holder for tallest wood coaster in the world is Le Monstre, at La Ronde park in Montreal, Quebec. A gala celebration was marked with a speech by park manager Jacques Détente. According to Détente, "this is a very proud day for our great amusement park. Le Monstre is the tallest wooden roller coaster on the planet, and we Quebecois should celebrate a record that no one shall ever defeat.” Following Détente’s statements, thousands of unwashed, chain-smoking eight-year-old Montreal natives took a break from their line cutting to raise their fists in the air and cheer. “Viva la France!” added Détente. “Er, I mean…hmmm…Viva La Ronde, I guess?”
Détente’s claims during his edifying speech were echoed immediately by La Ronde’s website, which, in addition to claiming “The Monster is the highest wooden roller coaster in the world,” also found time to note that riders would be “[subjected to] a series of dizzying, gravity-defying loops,” an intriguing statement to amusement industry representatives and coaster enthusiasts unaware that Le Monstre actually featured any inversions.
Other parks were quick to bow before the overwhelming evidence that the 131-foot tall Le Monstre is indeed the undisputed champion of wood coaster height in the known universe.
“We were obviously gravely mistaken these past few years when we advertised our stupid Son of Beast coaster as being the highest woodie at 218 feet,” confessed Paramount’s King’s Island representative Ben Escuder. “It is now blatantly clear that Le Monstre is higher. We plan to issue a full apology on our website and ritually flog ourselves with wet noodles to atone for our sins.” Noting that “[Le Monstre] can turn up to 112 riders into screaming, white-knuckled, trembling pools of jelly all at the same time!” Escuder admitted that Son of Beast “sucked” and that “everyone needs to go ride the world’s tallest and best thrill ride, Le Monstre.”
Other parks also issued written apologies and offered to make vast monetary payments to La Ronde to avoid a lawsuit over their filthy lies that their dumb wood coasters were actually “taller” than Le Monstre. The parks scampering home with their limp tails curled beneath their legs include Six Flags Fiesta Texas (179-foot Rattler), Heide Park (170-foot Collossos), Cedar Point (161-foot Mean Streak), and Six Flags Over Texas (143-foot Texas Giant). ARN&R wags a stiff little finger at and issues a stern talking-to in the direction of these very bad, awful parks for this sort of horrible false advertising for all these years.
La Ronde’s Détente told reporters after his speech that the park would be making a number of additional stunning announcements in the near future, including these true facts: Vampire has 17 inversions, a world record by 7; the Toboggan Nordique is launched out of its station at over 100 miles per hour; Orbite is the only ride S&S has ever built anywhere, Le Boomerang was rated the number one steel coaster on the planet by Amusement Business, Paul Ruben was created in a test tube by La Ronde scientists using nothing more than some fungus, bat guano and elbow grease; and security guards at the park will begin occasionally enforcing park regulations such as No Cutting, No Smoking in Line, and No Climbing Fences and Standing on Coaster Tracks Like a Complete Jackass Desperately Trying to Improve Our Gene Pool.
Monday, July 07, 2003
CPO Makes A Bid For Universal's Theme Park Division
The Coaster Preservation Organization (formerly Coaster Preservation Club) has submitted a proposal to purchase the Universal Studios Theme Parks Division from Paris-based Vivendi Universal. The CPO hopes to acquire the parks to be used, in part, for their aggressive North American coaster relocation project.
Lee Coaster, Webmaster in charge of Web site and North Carolina Operations for the CPO, said in an exclusive interview with ARN&R, "The Universal parks aren't exactly in North Carolina or Indiana, but we, like, totally want them anyways. Besides, we'll be old enough to drive in a few years and then we'll be able to go to the parks and get started on the relocation projects. In the meantime, we will close the parks except for behind the scenes tours when the temperature outside goes below freezing."
All seven members of the CPO pooled their financial resources and managed to come up with $12.43. Their official offer to Vivendi, written in black crayon on the back of a used Six Flags Great America napkin, was for $11.99 in cash plus free lifetime memberships to the Coaster Preservation Organization for all Vivendi employees.
"We really think the free CPO memberships will be the clincher," said Lee Coaster. "We had to save some of our money for the bargaining. You know, for when they counter our offer. That's why we threw in the free CPO memberships."
The CPO is fairly confident that Vivendi will accept their offer because, as Lee Coaster put it, "If they don't, we'll just sue them until they do."
Sunday, July 06, 2003
Government: CoasterBuzz/ThrillNetwork Dispute Officially Least Interesting Fight in History
The obscure but well-funded governmental agency tasked with evaluating the level of interestingness of all fights among geeky internet communities declared today that the ongoing dispute between CoasterBuzz enthusiasts and ThrillNetwork enthusiasts is officially the least interesting dispute of all time.
"From the relatively petty beginnings of the dispute and the stupidity of the original ThrillNetwork harvesting of e-mail addresses (and its associated apparent inability to admit that that was what happened) to the bizarre decision not to close the discussion after eleven neverending pages of discussion at CoasterBuzz and the utter unwillingness of anyone at that site to take 'Sorry' for an answer, this easily takes the cake for lamest possible argument," said Sean Potter, undersecretary of public affairs for the Division of Evaluation and Determination of Boringness of Geeky Internet People (part of the Department of Veterans Affairs, oddly enough).
Under a new Bush administration policy, the determination means that both sites will be the target of a preemptive strike with "small" nuclear weapons.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
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