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Saturday, July 05, 2003
ARN&R willingly and fawningly corrects factual errors and inappropriate remarks made by its staff in print. If you believe you have discovered an error on our website, do not hesitate to contact us at the link to the left.
Recently, that fu*king idiot broad who rode the Boulderdash ride at Lake Compounce while holding an unfinished cup of bright red beverage, then raised her hands in the air for the whole ride with the cup in hand, spraying two members of the AbsolutelyReliable Writing Staff with a fine red mist, was referred to as "a sorry-ass piece of white trash so stupid there do not exist words in the English mother tongue to fully describe how stupid she is." Actually, we meant to say that she was "the dumbest, most inconsiderate fu*king bitch in the history of the planet." We regret this error.
ARN&R ran an article in which Michael Bolton's singing was conpared unfavorably to a ride on the widely loathed Hercules roller coaster. We at ARN&R love Michael Bolton and would never intentionally imply that he sucks our asses raw. We're Michael Bolton fans. For our money, it doesn't get any better than when he sings "When a Man Loves a Woman."
A recent article disparaged some pasty white insulated cracker-ass people on rec.roller-coaster who always feel the need in their trip reports to make casually racist statements about how a park is ghetto or scary because they....ooooh... saw a black family there or something. Our writer called these pasty cracker-asses "writhing backassward racist pieces of shit losers." Naturally, ARN&R fully supports the freedom of speech of really stupid bigoted creeps on web groups. The offending author who made these terrible derogatory remarks toward these racists has been fired and is being savagely raped by rabid marmots as you read this.
Finally, we recently made an error where we said that Mean Streak should be torn to the ground and ripped into pieces to form three real wood coasters. We apologize for this callous statement; careful analysis has indicated that there is enough wood from the Mean Streak demolition to form four real wood coasters.
Posted at 3:51 AM | Link |
Friday, July 04, 2003
New Avril Lavigne Single Explodes on Charts
Hailed by critics nationwide as the "finest brainless teeny-bop music single released this week involving amusement park equipment," Avril Lavigne's new smash hit "Sky Sk8er Boi" has rocketed up the charts since its release a few days ago. The song, which desribes a "cool" girl and her love affair with a filthy, unwashed skateboarding junior high dropout who does part-time work cleaning up the ride queues of flat rides at Vancouver Playland, has been certified gold after a mere four days, making it a comparable smash to such modern classics as "Complicated" and "Sk8er Boi," a song Lavigne says is "like uh totally different and stuff from uh you know the other song what's it called."
Lavigne described the plot of the song for ARN&R. "Uh, you know, uh, I thought it would be you know, stuff, like this guy who works a ride, like the ones people puke on, and he has to clean up the trash uh and vomit um and stuff, but the cool chick loves him or something anyway."
Without any provocation, Lavigne then decided to crack funny for ARN&R, adding that "I was born to rock, I was born to roll. Rock 'n' roll. I see myself as a rock chick and when they refer to me as a pop chick I'm like 'NOOOOO!!!"
Says Sherwood Wise, president of Interactive Rides, Inc., maker of the Sky Sk8er thrill attraction, "We're pleased to have this kind of publicity for our fine product. I note, however, that Vancouver Playland does not own any of our ride service amusement product devices. Perhaps it would be to the benefit of Ms. Lavigne, Playland, and our company if they were to buy one of our Sky Sk8ters. That's synergy, baby!"
In related news, VH1 has just named the new hit as one of the elite songs in history, as it has been included in the new VH1 100 Greatest Musical Compositions of the Last 2,113.345 Years, to air July 4th. Some music critics questioned whether "Sky Sk8er Boi" was more deserving than other major works left off the list, including such important compositions as Louie Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World," the Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again," the Rolling Stones' "You Can't Always Get What You Want," and the Bach B Minor Mass, but VH1 vigorously defended its position.
"Those are all good songs," said Vice President of Bullshit Countdown Shows Monty Smithers, "but we feel Avril's work is the pinnacle of Western Civilization, full of thought and beauty and usefulness. Also, she had the best tits."
Posted at 1:29 PM | Link |
Wednesday, July 02, 2003
Study: No One Cares About Coaster Club's Motto
The Florida Coaster Club (FLCC) has been going strong since 1998 and wants everyone to know that they "Ride All Year." However, recent studies indicate that no one cares. "I don't understand it," said club president Patrick Grozen. "Our shirts, our hats, even our bumper stickers say 'We Ride All Year.' But, barely anyone seems to pay attention to the fact that we live in a part of the country that has roller coasters open year-round."
After a careful study conducted by ARN&R personnel it is apparent that no one, be they enthusiast or not, cares what the FLCC does. "It was pretty apparent that everyone we talked to, from the typical unkempt, undersexed enthusiast to the 1% that are socially versatile, gave two shits about the FLCC members' riding habits," said Tim Teemer, ARN&R's head of statistical research. "The results went even lower once we included the general public in our poll. Apparently none of them understand who rides all year, or even where they do it. One of our respondents even suggested that they change their slogan to 'We suck all year,' but I didn't think that I should let club members know that factoid."
Retiree Adam Tosh felt more people should know about the quality coastering you can do in the Sunshine state during the dreaded "off season." After taking a long hit from his oxygen bottle Tosh said, "Down here I'm in the land of bridge, 4:00 dinner specials and year-round coastering. It doesn't get much better than that."
The club's teen sect showed hostility to the pollsters once the results were revealed at the FLCC's annual "Touch MeKraken" event at Sea World. "If you don't think riding Old Town's Dragon Wagon twenty times during a rain storm in February is hard core, you're insane," said 17 year-old Todd Johnson.
Grozen said that the club is currently working on a public relations campaign to make sure that people understand the benefits of riding all year. "How anyone can consider marathoning on the Starliner unimportant is beyond me. But, we are working to make sure that every coaster nut out there understands just how much better we are than them because of our riding opportunities." They hope to have a slogan chosen by IAAPA so they can show convention-goers how superior their coasting lifestyle is. "I know the people from B&M, Intamin, S&S and other companies really care about how often we ride their coasters," Grozen concluded.
Posted at 8:08 PM | Link |
Ed Markey Admits Being "Unfaithful" to Family
Representative Ed Markey (D-MA), in a brief statement on Sunday, stated that he had been
"unfaithful to my loving wife and family for the last couple of years" while coming clean about an "inappropriate relationship" he had been having with an undisclosed person inside sources claim may have been named "Lee". Markey said that he decided to come clean when an interview posted on Coasterbuzz mentioned the affair, and since he had recently broken off the relationship, he felt it was time to come clean.
"Most of my decisions in the past few years have been based upon this relationship," Markey said to a writer for ARN&R. "The real reason for my Amusement Safety Act was because I felt my special friend was spending too much time riding them, and not enough time cuddling with me. I felt that if I could get rid of some of these coasters, or make them so heavily regulated as to be completely unpleasant, maybe my secret companion would have more time for me. That is what eventually led to the breakup, as this individual turned out to have a greater interest than I realized in saving coasters and moving them to his own park in North Dakota or Djibouti or the Greenland or something, I forget where, and I could not sway the person from this goal. As a last ditch effort, I concocted a great plan I thought would make us both happy: we could take every U.S. coaster, put them in wherever weird place he wanted, and then on days that it rains or was below 60 degrees, we could let people sit in the station, in the trains, and take their pictures! But that wasn’t good enough, I suppose.”
Markey said he hopes to be able to forge a close personal relationship with his interns, or perhaps a pet gerbil, this summer, as long as he can hide such things from his wife and family as well. [Editor’s Note: Oops. Sorry, Ed. Guess we let that one out of the bag.]
[Related News: Markey tackles the deadly shuffleboarding industry and spends time in lunatic asylum.]
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
Wife of Corrupt ThrillNetwork Government Official Needs Your Help Releasing Funds from Foreign Bank
[Ed. Note: ARN&R received this urgent e-mail today and thought it would be best to share it with you, our loyal readers. Whomever among you follows the directions and becomes fabulously wealthy, we hope you'll at least spend some money in the ARN&R shop.]
For The Attention of: OWNER / CHIEF EXECUTIVE
This is important, and requires your immediate attention! First, I must solicit your strictest confidence as you read this letter. Though this might come to you as a surprise since we have not met or spoken with each other before. I plead for your understanding and tender my humble apologies if I had taken you unaware.
My name is CHUMA WILSON, the wife of the chairman of the committee set up by the Federal Government of Nigeria to supervise the activities of the ThrillNetwork Trust Fund (TNTF), the agency that manages proceeds from the sale of ThrillNetwork Club memberships in my country. At the inception of the new democratic government in my country, the TNTF was ordered to wind up its operation to enable the new committee take over. What it did not know is that my husband was also part of the secretive ThrillNetwork government.
The former Chairman of the agency in the person of Major General Muhammed Buhari (Rtd.) was also retired. In its place a new committee in which my husband is a member was appointed to take over and oversee the activities of the agency. The duty of the committee amongst others includes verifying all outstanding contract claims and debts with the sole objective of settling such long overdue claims. My husband has asked that I assist in coordinating his efforts and I have decided to cut him out of the money, as he has been seen in compromising positions with what my tribe calls "coaster tools."
I therefore decided to contact you directly having gotten your name and company's information from a business handbook of your country I discovered in the former chairman's official study, which he left behind in his office. [Ed. Note: We think this is a reference to links found on Westcoaster.net.]
Going through some of the files left behind by the former chairman, we discovered that he has secured out of the Central Bank of Nigeria a forex release to the tune of US$25,500,000.00 for the payment of goods and services supplied by foreign contractors for the execution of ThrillNetwork Club Events and SpeedZone Bandwidth. He was caught in the web of trying to transfer the funds to a ghost company abroad when he was removed from office. In confidence, we know that the goods and services were not supplied -- especially that ERT promised from the ThrillNetwork Club -- but used his office to approve the payment in favour of a foreign firm with no fixed address.
He confided in me as a member of the new committee that he used his position to over invoice the contract. After his removal from office, this over invoiced amount is floating in the system and left unclaimed. He has therefore requested me to help look for a foreign company into whose account the funds will be transferred.
I am now soliciting for your cooperation to enable us process the transfer of the funds to your account. You should provide us your company's name or any other name as long as you will be able to receive the amount. It will be treated as one of the outstanding payments due to you on executed contract. We will take measure to duly register your company here in Nigeria to give it legitimacy. We need your company's name and account particulars to enable us file application for foreign exchange allocation order at the Federal Ministry of Finance. The moment we accomplish this, we will raise Contract Award Certificate in your company's name to show that a contract was actually awarded and executed by you. The nature of your business not withstanding.
For your participation and investing in this project, we are prepared to concede 25% of the total sum to you. On completion of the project, we will commit a substantial percentage of our share into investments in your country and we will direct you on how to repatriate the balance of our share.
This arrangement is known only to you and myself. Therefore, confidentiality should be our watchword. Don't tell my husband. If the above proposal meets your approval, please respond immediately. Endeavour to furnish me with your secured private telephone and fax line for easy reach.
Sakes alive, friends! You're going to be rich!
Posted at 11:10 PM | Link |
Enthusiasts Denied ERT at Music Theater
Hundreds of coaster enthusiasts were turned away in their bid for Exclusive Ride Time (ERT) at the Goodspeed Opera House, a historic musical theater in eastern Connecticut where coaster lovers mistakenly believed there to be high-tech thrill attractions.
The source of confusion appears to be a review, by critic Caroline McGuire of the Norwalk Free Republican-Democrat, of the current Goodspeed revival of Me and My Girl. Amongst various comments about the costumes, musical score, and acting range of the stars, the show was described as “an absolute roller coaster ride from start to finish.”
“How dare they lead us astray,” said Mark Price, 65. “The review clearly stated that there was a roller coaster here. This is untrue. In fact, there are no thrill rides at all. It’s just a little town with a river and this Victorian theater. And the landscape and interaction with the water would certainly have made this an ideal location for a terrain woodie.”
“Or, better yet, a hypercoaster. Preferably a 600-foot launched one,” he added thoughtfully.
Despite filing protest letters and bitching extensively over not being granted access to the hidden roller coaster, a handful of ACE members did decide to do some good for the group’s public relations, sticking around to take in the sights and sounds of the park despite the filthy lies about the alleged coaster on the property. Several reported that the park’s entertainment, specifically the musical, was “much better than the rock and roll show at Worlds of Fun or that Snoopy on Ice thing at Cedar Point.” The only further complaint about the park besides the lack of an advertised roller coaster was that the orchestra pit did not feature a viola.
ACE President Carol Sanderson has announced that throngs of enthusiasts plan to pout and whine insufferably when they are turned away form nonexistent roller coasters at showings of Hulk and Terminator 3, a variety of major league baseball games, and even the Lancashire Cricket Club, all of which have been falsely described in the recent past by reviewers as “roller coaster rides.”
Mullet Proclaimed Official Hairstyle Of Kennywood Park
Jerome Gibas, vice-president and general manager of Kennywood Park, has proclaimed the mullet to be the official hairstyle of the 105-year-old traditional amusement park located in West Mifflin, Pennsylvania.
In an exclusive interview with ARN&R, Mr. Gibas revealed why Kennywood decided to magnify the mullet to "super-style" status.
"The mullet is very special to Pittsburgh area residents," stated Jerome. "What hairstyle could better exemplify the small town look and feel of a wonderful classic amusement park like Kennywood? Before we settled on the mullet, we had considered immortalizing other hairstyles, like the flattop or the kinky perm, but none of the others seemed to reach out to us the way that that the mullet did. The mullet is such an attractive and versatile haircut. It looks good on men. It looks good on women. Hell, it even looks good on children. We are truly honored to feature the mullet as the official hairstyle of Kennywood Park."
In celebration of Kennywood's official new "do," the park will feature "Mullet Mark Down Days" every Thursday in July and August. All guests wearing a mullet hairdo will get half-price admissions to the park on those days. As a bonus, any guest with a mullet and a rat-tail will get the half-price admission, plus they'll get a coupon good for half off the purchase of Kennywood's latest delicious snack bar confection, the deep fried chocolate covered white fudge macadamia nut brownie.
Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom is reportedly considering legal action to prevent Kennywood from advertising itself as the Mullet Capital of the Amusement World. According to sources, SFKK contends that such a claim would be false advertising given the daily volume and quality of mullets at that park.
UPDATE: Our top-secret news sources recently informed us that 2004 will be "The Year Of The Mullet" at Kennywood Park. There will be special mullet-related shows and events happening all season long like the "Mullet Madness Musical Revue" and "The 1st Annual Miss Mullet" competition. The most exciting news of all, however, is that Kennywood has contracted with the Sally Corporation to develop a new custom interactive dark ride called the "Mighty Amazing Mullet Ride." Passengers will be armed with "interactive scissors" and will attempt to cut their way through mountains of hair in an effort to sculpt the perfect mullet.
Monday, June 30, 2003
ARN&R Exclusive: TTD to be Replaced
ARN&R has learned in an exclusive story that Cedar Point has decided to tear down its troubled Top Thrill Dragster launched coaster by the end of July. "Yep, a few weeks of downtime made us realize that it just wasn't worth the trouble," said Dick Kinzel, head of Cedar Fair, Cedar Point's parent entity.
To replace TTD, Cedar Point has tentatively settled on the world's largest, fastest, tallest, and most futuristic Dippin' Dots Ice Cream of the Future stand, backed up against a similarly huge Old Time Pictures stand. In a draft press release obtained by ARN&R, Kinzel is quoted as saying, "If you thought Top Thrill Dragster was intense during its fifteen hours of operation, just wait until you see this ice cream! It's XTreme!"
The stands will likely be rebranded. Rather than being identified simply as "Dippin' Dots Ice Cream of the Future," it will now be "XDippin XDots: XTreme Thrill X Cream of the XTreme Future," and the Old Time Pictures stand will likely offer the opportunity, through advanced digital technology, for patrons to have a picture taken so that they appear to be standing atop a 420-foot coaster, one that Cedar Point describes as "fantastical" and "so crazy as to be fictional."
Enthusasts were ecstatic over the news. "Once again, Cedar Point raises the bar," wrote ThrillNetwork regular MeanLeak. "I just can't wait to see what those poseurs at Magic Mountain do in response to this. Pure brilliance."
Disney Yet Again Hastily Rethemes Rock 'n' Roller Coaster
Only a few months after spending upteen dozens of dollars to frantically rework the troubled Rock 'n' Roller Coaster attraction at their Studios theme park in Florida, Disney has decided to pull the plug on the new version. Although the change of theme and music from Aerosmith to really crappy twentieth-century classical composers was brought about through the panic of Disney executives finally noticing the ever-so-slightly-not-family-oriented content of much of the oevre of Aerosmith, these leaders felt the new ride would at least manage to remain moderately successful.
"We leaders felt the new ride would at least manage to remain moderately successful," said Vice President of Ride Development and Public Shenanigans Angelo Thornberry. "When we realized Aerosmith had videos featuring all sorts of hot, scantily clad, barely legal teen action, we surmised that the next best, most Xtreme, thrills we could provide were those of the most ass-ripping music this side of Metallica." Unfortunately, the use of boring, academic swill written by composers such as Paul Creston, Milton Babbitt, and John Corigliano didn't exactly "put the booty" in the seats. In fact, most passengers ran screaming from the ride before it began, rather than after. "We thought all the bleeding ears were just from the Vekoma headrests like normal, but it turned out Elliot Carter compositions actually cause eardrums to spontaneously rupture rather than subject themselves to all that noise," said Thornberry.
Disney has announced that a new slate of hard-rockin' stars will supply the pumped-up soundtrack for the attraction, slated to reopen in August. Says Thornberry, "We spared no expense. Our new onboard sound experience will kick your fu*king ass into next week. Yeah! Get ready to feel 10 gigawatts of pure unadulterated music power ripping and jack hammering through your body as you blast into a tunnel and hit those loops and bunny hops."
Thornberry then dramatically announced the new line up for this coaster's soundtrack, sure to delight punkers, classic rockers, and death metal freaks alike: Debbie Boone, Cher, Culture Club, Kenny G, Michael Bolton, and That Guy Who Sang That Achy-Breaky Thing. Sources close to Ratt inform ARN&R that they are crestfallen to still not be hired to provide their potent, influential, and thought-provoking music for a Disney ride.
Posted at 1:29 AM | Link |
Sunday, June 29, 2003
Drooling Morons Not Limited to Coaster Enthusiasm as Hobby
While we at ARN&R have been continually astounded at the lack of common sense and even subsimian-level intellect displayed by many who send us letters and/or comment on us on various coaster message boards, we have been highly distressed to have no confirmation whatsoever that we were noticed or despised by anyone except those who like their woodies big, fast, and well greased. Nay, every poorly-spelled and grammatically hilarious forum topic extolling the fiery brimstone and torment of Satan awaiting us upon our hopefully imminent deaths, every pathetic threatening letter appearing in the ARN&R Mail Repository, and each and every website calling us names appears to have been the work of some hapless coaster enthusiast nitwit. (Incidentally, this would be an excellent place to add links indicating examples of all the above, but our extensive work on the ACE Museum's ERT and Gravy exhibits is taking up too much time to bother with that sort of intricacy.)
We are most pleased to announced that we finally have proof that our humble website has "jumped the rails," so to speak, and is categorically pissing off the general population, as well. At this discussion at an Elvis forum, our little synopsis of Lisa Marie Presley's deranged shrieking and caterwauling at an NBA playoff halftime met with confusion, derision, and, sometimes, naturally, poor use of proofreading skills.
Following the usual pattern established when our website is freshly discovered, despite the fact that it is clearly indicated all over the front page and archives as a website that satirizes the amusement park industry and is not meant to be taken with the slightest shred of seriousness, an astute writer at the Elvis group notes helpfully that "I don't believe a word of that article." More interesting discussion occurs:
What I was referring to was the implication that her popularity dropped
after her NBA appearance. I knew the rest was [bad word]. The whole web-page
is supposed to be based on rumors, though that article was obviously written
as a way of slamming Lisa again, probably written by some cretin regular
ARN&R officially must come clean here in response to this pointed and witty barb. Yes, it's true. Our months upon months of writing amusement park and enthusiast satire and line of exciting consumer products were all an elaborate hoax by members of the Elvis forum 'cretins' designed to lead up to a story on how much Lisa Marie Presley sucks ass just so we could post it on the Elvis message board to defame the little succubus and get a reaction there! You caught us! Thank you very much.
We at ARN&R are gladdened to see that there were actually members of this group who immediately recognized the piece as what we call "a joke." Bless you. You have almost restored our faith in humanity. Hopefully your confused forum-mates will some day understand that we in no way were serious when we suggested Lisa Marie Presley was refused employment at Libertyland as a bumper car due to her lack of any talent whatsoever. However, we do stand by our statement that Nicholas Cage divorced Presley "because he could still taste Michael Jackson on her."
[Editor's Note: Our little missive on Lisa Marie's guttural animal howls also found its way onto forums for pro wrestling and Michael Jackson; we have not yet ascertained whether the lack of a hot discussion subsequent to the first posting indicates that the participants of these groups are too smart to be fooled by our deep and not-at-all immature jokes, or whether all the big words baffled them. More news at AN&R the moment it breaks.]
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.