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Friday, June 20, 2003
Ruben Claims Thirty-Four World Records
On tonight's Travel Channel rerun of Ultimate Thrill: Beyond Speed, Paul Ruben stated that he has ridden over 1,500 coasters. In related news, in a press release issued by his office, Ruben laid his claim to thirty-four world records in a wide array of subjects.
"Yep, I did 'em all," said Ruben, in an interview at Cedar Point, where your intrepid ARN&R reporter followed him past the patiently-waiting throngs of ordinary patrons (what Ruben calls "the little people"). According to Ruben, in addition to riding virtually every coaster in the world (the Roller Coaster Database lists roughly 1,600 coasters in the entire world), he also is the oldest skydiver in recorded history, having jumped from a plane at age 97; the most prolific amateur lover in the 20th century, having bedded over 9,000 women; and the holder of the record for the most clothespins attached to his face, breaking the old record with 143.
"I also hold the record for deepest open water dive by a woman without any scuba gear," said Ruben. "That was back when, y'know, I was a woman." The other thirty world records are somewhat unclear, but Ruben says that they'll all be listed in the next issue of Park World.
Ruben added that the Travel Channel quotation was somewhat old, and that he has now ridden over 2,500 coasters, and will soon break the record for the fastest pulling of a Boeing 727.
Holy Land Experience Theme Park to Add Thrill Rides
In an effort to draw younger guests into its throng, The Holy Land Experience Theme Park in Orlando, Florida announced it would be adding three major thrill rides to its lineup. "It's been 2,000 years since the world has seen anything like this!" exclaimed Marvin J. Rosenthal, president of The Holy Land Experience. "Precisely 2,003 years, actually. Or maybe 1,973 years. Anyway, these new attractions are only the beginning."
The first attraction, developed by Premier based on its water coaster technology, set to open next month, is "Termagant Baptismal Plunge!' Riders will board early 1st century sailing yachts and traverse the Nile River where they will be tormented by pagan rituals and sacrificial demons. The yachts will then enter a Great Pyramid and be "lifted to God" before plunging down a 150-foot holy-waterfall into a Baptismal pool.
The second attraction to open sometime this fall, is the "Cruci-Friction!' Guests are strapped securely into restraining devises and shot to the top of a 250 foot crucifix and hung there for a full 30 seconds to witness what Jesus witnessed in His final moments, before plummeting at speeds up to 70 miles per hour back to Earth.
The final attraction to appear sometime in early 2004, is "TTD: Top Thrill Dogma, the Highest Coaster on God's Green Earth!' "What we wanted here," stated Rosenthal, "was an attraction that would take our guests as close to Heaven as conceivably possible." Designed by S&S Power from the original plans for the Tower of Babel, TTD will shuttle riders 150 miles per hour around the twisting Biblical structure literally into the stratosphere; 13,000 feet into the air! "It will be guaranteed to take your breath away!"
"The Holy Land Experience has been totally dependent on God for His provision and direction. But we're also grateful to the Orlando Visitors' Bureau."
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
Hellevator Named New Spokesthing for Viagra
Much to the disappointment of major league slugger Rafael Palmeiro, the Rangers first baseman was replaced this week as spokesman for Viagra by Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom's Hellevator. The move was made after careful research by the company indicated the need for a new market focus, after surveys showed Palmeiro was not reaching the valued 12-25 target demographic coveted by the manbeast-enhancement medicine. "What better way to market our drug than by using a giant, throbbing shaft of steel that can clearly demonstrate Viagra's effect on virility?" Viagra representative David Wang asked reporters rhetorically.
Upon being unveiled as the new spokesthing for Viagara, the Hellevator stood proudly erect as it read from a prepared statement. "Viagra has made me a new freefall attraction. When I was young and studly, I proudly thrust forward into the Kentucky sky, beckoning throngs of eager youngsters with my smooth, mighty, gleaming single rod. But then I grew older. Other, newer, bigger freefall and Space Shot rides came on the scene and drew more attention with their more substantial height, girth, and lack of maintenance woes. Over the years I became more and more flacid and limp in comparison with the new rides."
Pausing to weep briefly, Hellevator added that "the final straw that made me realize I had to take action was the introduction of the Double Shot rides from S&S. How can an older model like myself possibly compete with a shaft that has that much raw power and stamina? The answer was Viagra. A year after beginning my prescription, I am once again thrilling impossibly huge crowds of screaming, terrified and pleasured men and women for hours upon hours each and every operating day. I am such a stud!"
When asked for his opinion on the great thrill-phallus being named as a spokesthing for a product normally associated with old dudes getting it on, parkgoer Randy Dew, 19, said that he felt it was "Hellacool."
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
National Roller Coaster Museum and Archives Announces Planned Gravy Exhibit
In the May-June issue of ACE News, which, remarkably, arrived during one of the identified months, many enthusiasts' questions about the National Roller Coaster Museum and Archives ("NRCMA") (associated with the American Coaster Enthusiasts [ACE]) were answered.
The most important question answered? That's easy: "How the heck can NRCMA fully recognize the contribution that gravy and gravy-related products have made to ACE and, more generally, coaster enthusiasts?"
Wherever the NRCMA facility will end up, we can now be assured that it will contain a significant and historically exhaustive look at gravy, including a high-tech interactive mammoth gravy boat.
"It's important to us that gravy be recognized," said Carole Sanderson, ACE Dictator-for-Life. "Sure, the buffets more broadly are also important -- and that's recognized by the fact that fully sixty-five percent of our museum's space will be devoted to three separate buffet-based restaurants, including Old Country Buffet, Huge-Ass-Creating Buffet, and All-You-Can-Gorge-Yourself-On Buffet -- but gravy is really in a class by itself."
Reports indicate that the gravy exhibit will be a walk-through, but, recognizing the effects of its subject, a moving walkway will also be available for those who tire easily.
The first room will have a inch-by-inch recreation of the first ACE buffet at which gravy was served (in mid-1979), as lovingly documented in the Robb Alvey film Gravy Memories, produced by Ken Burns. Alvey will have a central role in designing the room, as he possesses the only known footage of the revered first gravy serving.
The next room, called "Gravy: the Semi-Liquid Substance that Brings Us Together," will have a timeline of gravy through the years and, on weekends only, opportunities to sample all the gravy, from the "Greed Gravy" of the 1980s to the "Gravy.com" of the late '90s...and, of course, the "XTreme Gravy" of 2002. Visitors will be strictly limited to two quarts of gravy per visit.
After a series of small rooms where visitors are surrounded by holograms and wax figures of ACErs eating glass after glass of gravy, the exhibit concludes with the Gravy Boat Ride. In this special attraction, designed for free by Sally Corp., visitors will enter a small indoor water park, but this will be no run-of-the-mill water park. Instead, all 20,000 square feet will be in the shape of an enormous gravy boat and, instead of chlorinated and sanitized water, the attraction will use genuine pork gravy. (During Lent and certain other religious holidays, a soy-based gravy will be used.)
"And the greatest part," exclaimed Sanderson, "is that every single patron will be naked!"
The museum is scheduled to open in 2008. Invitations to the premiere are expected to arrive three months after the event.
Nebraska Enthusiasts Celebrate New Roller Coaster Installation
Members of the Nebraska Out-and-back Roller Coaster Club, also known as the "NO Roller Coaster Club," had reason to celebrate on Tuesday, June 3rd, as the state's first new roller coaster in almost 30 years, simply named "Kiddie Coaster," was installed inside the Big Kmart at the Imperial Mall located in Hastings, Nebraska.
The mall, a Six Flags property purchased for approximately $320 million, held a "media day" event to celebrate the grand opening of Nebraska's newest, and currently their only, roller coaster. Reporters from the Hastings Weekly Trader Classified Ads newspaper arrived and covered the story with enthusiasm.
The coaster was designed and built by Innovative Concepts in Entertainment, Inc. of Clarence, New York, at a cost of about $4000.00. It stands approximately four feet tall at its highest point and has a top speed of just over two miles per hour. Riders sit in the one seat train, drop four quarters into the slot directly in front of them and hold on for dear life as the mighty wooden twister takes its passenger on a ninety-second run through the wild banks and turns, crossovers and ups and downs of one of four different track layouts. The rider selects which layout they wish to brave by simply pressing their choice on the roller coaster's super high-tech built in touch-screen television monitor.
NO Roller Coaster Club member, Lance Farston, was so excited when he heard that a new coaster was coming to Nebraska, that he camped out in the parking lot of the Hastings mall for the forty-nine hours preceding the ride's media day opening just so he could be the first one in line to ride the fabulous new thrill ride.
"It was worth every minute that I waited," insisted Lance. "Don't let the name fool you. This is definitely not your run-of-the-mill children's roller coaster. In fact, the coaster packs quite a wallop. It's the best thing to come to Hastings since the Payless Shoe Source store opened here last fall. The ride is so technologically advanced too. I just pop in my quarters, touch the magic TV screen, sit back and enjoy the ride! I can't wait to ride it over and over again and again!"
Francis Rockswell, another NO Roller Coaster Club member, was also present at the ride's media day celebration. Francis came to the mall on opening day with the intention of setting a new world record for riding a roller coaster over and over again non-stop longer than anyone else ever has before.
"I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate this great new coaster's grand opening event," said Francis. "I really thought I was going to break the record too."
Francis was off to a great start, but, three hours and $122.00 later, he ran out of quarters. "I guess I really underestimated how many quarters I'd need to break the world record," lamented Francis.
Francis has already vowed to attempt his record breaking feat again next week right after he cashes his paycheck from his job at the Imperial 3 Theaters. "I'm working a lot of extra hours this week, so I'll have more quarters the next time," Francis said.
The Nebraska Out-and-back Roller Coaster Club has managed to secure some exclusive ride time on the Kiddie Coaster for NORCC members only on Sunday, June 22nd from 11:00am until 12:00 noon. Members are encouraged to arrive early and bring lots of quarters.
UPDATE: ARN&R has just learned that the Kiddie Coaster, which was touted by Six Flags Theme Parks as a "brand new" coaster installation, was not new at all. In fact, the same coaster had previously operated for years at the Wal-Mart in Elk Mountain, Wyoming. It was purchased by Six Flags Theme Parks, disassembled and shipped to Nebraska where it was reassembled and repainted in an attempt to pass it off on to unsuspecting Nebraskans as a brand new coaster, as reflected in this exclusive photograph.
Monday, June 16, 2003
Patriot Organization Targets Six Flags
The John Birch Society recently issued a warning to readers of its magazine, The New American, citing Six Flags Theme Parks as "suspiciously Communist."
The author, Chad T. Johnson, describes a typical day at a SF Theme Park: “After giving away the right to freely come and go by paying admission, patrons are subjected to constant queueing, much like in Communist Russia.” The article goes on to speculate that the theme parks are “Communist Training Centers” that are being used to dull true Americans' senses and fool them into believing that a great reward (i.e., a roller coaster ride) awaits them at the end of the line. Johnson also makes note of the student work-exchange program at Six Flags parks, which he claims are “dominated by young people from the Eastern Bloc, in an obvious attempt to confuse Americans into thinking that Communist values go hand in hand with Bugs Bunny and ‘Great America.’”
“Today, it’s funnel cakes – but tomorrow, these same people will be lining up for toilet paper!” said an anonymous member of the organization, known generally for its completely bat-sh*t insane members, interviewed at a local chapter near Appleton, Wisconsin. “Isn’t it disturbing that nearly 98% of US Citizens are within an eight hour drive from un-American activity such as this? Six Flags must be stopped!”
Gary Story, President and Chief Operating Officer for Six Flags, made this statement: “No Comment. Comrade.”
Coaster Tools Spotted At Indiana Beach
Sources tell ARN&R that high school coaster enthusiast and Supreme Judge of Coaster Toolitude Daria (“Cha-cha-cha”) Doorhouse spotted many a tool at Indiana Beach the Sunday following Stark Raven Mad.
“I was just going there to score some rides on Cornball and Lost Coaster, but I was so appalled by what I saw while in line that I almost had to leave,” she said, clutching her CoasterBuzz Barbie doll closely. “I’m not really sure what ride number it was, because my little metal clicker is only used to count rides on the Michigan’s Adventure Corkscrew, the bestest, way totally coolest ride on the planet…Oh My God did you hear how I hit 1000 last summer!!!! Soooo coooooooool!"
“In case you were wondering, I keep track of my daily laps on a tally counter, and then record them in an Excel document. Usually I totally include the date, who went with me, number of laps, total laps in the season, and total laps overall. Although, occasionally I do tell maintenance what to do,” she gloated, and then for apparently no reason added, “Like, Oh my GOD!!!”
Doorhouse went on to say, “I was like there at IB with a few of my friends [Author note: being a teenage enthusiast and also having a vagina immediately warrants you your very own posse] when, in a switchback in front of us, there were these four…TOOLS!"
“There they were, just standing there, having a conversation that didn’t really involve roller coasters at all, wearing these cargo shorts and normal, non-coaster shirts. At first I wasn’t sure, but I immediately realized what they were once one of them started making fun of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom.”
When reached for comment, one of the obvious tools said, “Wait, you mean this little girl called me a tool? Are we talking about the same girl with the clicker, and the CoasterBuzz Barbie doll that she was carrying on all the rides? Wasn’t she wearing a BEASTIE shirt that day?”
Sunday, June 15, 2003
Comic Mastermind Gives Roller Coaster Camera “The Bird”
National humor experts and fans of wacky hijinks and merriment were amazed this weekend by the comic timing and brilliance of Worlds of Fun patron Shana Golden, 16. Showing amazing originality, intellect, and wit, Golden demonstrated her natural gift of incisive humor by giving “the bird” to the onboard ride camera for Mamba.
“Sweet fancy Moses!” said comedian Jerry Seinfeld. “I wish I’d thought of something this good. Here I’ve been all these years doing my clean comedy, and it blinded me to the possibilities that giving the finger to a camera could have presented me with. This girl is a genius of comedy, and I bow before her skills.”
The stunning comedic move was noted by Mamba photo booth operator Lars Hetfield at 5:45 PM this past Saturday. “I’ve never seen anything like this,” said a clearly awed Hetfield. “It boggles my mind to think how someone could be so clever and rebellious as to give my camera the finger. No one else in the history of this ride has ever thought to do that. It’s an unparalleled, sublime moment in the history of humor.”
Comic Robin Williams agrees. “Clearly, Ms. Golden must be considered to be the forefront of a new generation of attack-comedy masterminds,” he said. “The evolution of the form began with Lenny Bruce, was raised a level with George Carlin, and now reaches its absolute zenith with Golden’s giving the bird to the camera at Worlds of Fun. She takes all of this anger and directs it in such a unique, brutal way that it comments on the shallowness of modern life around her.”
Williams continued, saying, “beyond the extension of the supremely wondrous middle digit that no one in the long history of any amusement park has ever before even begun to consider doing to a coaster camera, Ms. Golden also shows her scathing and uproarious sense of ground-breaking humor on other occasions, including casually and loudly spouting racial epithets around black and Hispanic parkgoers, throwing pebbles at passing Timberwolf trains, calling the ride operator on Mamba who yelled at her to quit running down the ramp a ‘bitch,’ dropping cigarette ash on babies, and sticking her feet out of the vehicles while they are in motion. We may be witnessing the greatest, most mentally gifted comic mind ever created by the hand of God.”
When asked for a comment by ARN&R, Golden informed us that we were to do something that we certainly aren’t going to print here. However, we would like to state for the record that we declined the invitation, based on Golden’s disturbing lack of personal hygiene.
[Related News: Catherine Zeta Jones sues Busch Gardens Tampa over crotch-grabbing and bird-giving to Montu cameras.]
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
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We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.