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Friday, May 30, 2003
Breaking News: Coasterbuzz Member Patiently Awaits Hot Date
We at ARN&R are pleased to announce the blossoming of young love on the internet, specifically at Coasterbuzz (where else?). A presumably young enthusiast named Alexander took the unusual step this week of asking, on an open forum, a girl enthusiast's mother to put the two of them in touch online. Snickering this pronounced and snorty has seldom graced the hallowed marble hallways of either the American Coaster Enthusiasts World Headquarters or the AbsolutelyReliable Mansion.
Alexander’s desperate and slightly stalkerish behavior was put into motion by this week's presentation of the new Discovery reality show Thrill Rides: Put to the Test. The presumably (and hopefully) young enthusiast developed a not-entirely-unexpected crush on the blonde, cursing teenager from Ohio. To his breathless and unexpected delight, Alexander, then discovered that both the girl’s mother and her riding partner from the show are regular Coasterbuzz forum participants.
A spectacular and brilliant plan formed in his mind. He would boldly scam on the pretty young lass by posting a helpful message to her mother at Coasterbuzz, the first choice of suave Don Juans across the world.
"[H]ave your daughter e-mail me sometime," he helpfully suggested. "Im [sic] a teen Ohio coaster nut too. My address is in my profile."
The young fellow elsewhere brags of the fact that he posted over a thousand messages on the Thrillride! forums (which he oddly, and fictionally, identifies as operating as far back as 1998) -- an attractive feature to any girl, no doubt.
"This is a most unusual method of obtaining a date," said noted sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer. "In all my dozens of years, I have never before seen someone so desperate and freakish as to attempt to hit on a young lady in this fashion. The awesome desperation and utter disregard for humiliation it takes to see a young lady on TV, never meet her, and then send a poorly edited post on a substantially-read open forum, requesting the girl’s mother pass along his sexy stats...what a dork."
The girl from the show was unavailable for comment on the touching romantic display from her stalker, but ARN&R presumes most of it would have been unprintable anyway.
Ed. Note: The subject of this story informed ARN&R that we (along with every single CoasterBuzz reader of his posting) had misinterpreted his intentions. He states that his intention was to invite the Ohio teenager to an event at Cedar Point. He also noted that he has a girlfriend whom he adores.
Ticked Off Enthusiast Misled By Movie
This past weekend, coaster enthusiast Anthony Montana got really ticked off, according to witnesses. Apparently, the self-described "coaster master" felt betrayed and confused by the recent movie A Mighty Wind.
Montana's confusion apparently stemmed from a scene in the movie that showed a huge roller coaster called Whiplash, supposedly located at an amusement park in Tallahassee, Florida. Montana's best friend, Manny Rodriguez, laughed as he related to ARN&R how excited Montana was to fly to the Florida state capitol on short notice and at great expense, just so he could be one of the first riders to experience the majestic splendor of Whiplash. "I kept telling that dumbass that there is no park in Tallahassee, and that the coaster in the film looked like it was Six Flags Magic Mountain’s Deja Vu with a new name plastered on it, but he wasn’t listening. What a moron."
Upon arriving at the gloriously huge and modern Tallahassee airport, Montana encountered great difficulty in getting someone to show him how to get to the amusement park in town. "Everybody kept claiming there wasn’t one, or told me I was stupid. Why wouldn’t the people in this town be aware of a big new ride like Whiplash right in their backyard? It's a wonder the stupid place stays open, with fools like this living around here." After unsuccessfully searching for the coaster for two full days, Montana took in all the sights of 'Hassee, which basically consist of a nice restaurant called Cool Beans, a state capitol that looks like giant male genitals, loads of dirt, some rednecks, and plenty of drunk frat boy date rapists.
Leaving the city without ever having ridden Whiplash, Montana sneered out the window of his plane and gave the city of Tallahassee the middle finger while yelling out: "Say 'ello to my little friend!"
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
TTD Developments: Cable, Supports, Track, Train, Train Accoutrements, Station Break
Guide to the Point and CoasterBuzz Experts: "Just Breaking in the New Ride"
On-the-spot witnesses confirm, in an ARN&R exclusive, that Cedar Point's new "stratacoaster" Top Thrill Dragster has had a number of mishaps. Specifically, the cable, supports, track, train, train accoutrements, and the station have all broken, most of them catastrophically.
However, engineering experts at websites Guide to the Point and CoasterBuzz have all categorically stated that the cable snapping, the supports collapsing, the track flying off across the midway, one train shooting off into a nearby show (seriously injuring "actors"), flying tires decaptiating passersby, and the entire station collapsing under 5 miles-per-hour winds are all "just your ordinary early days of a coaster" and "nothing to be concerned about."
"I can't believe how the media has overblown these so-called problems, and I'm far from a CP FanBoy," wrote MeanStrkRulz, known as an engineering expert based on years of experience with Tinker-Toys. "Things go wrong, and how could you expect the Intamin geniuses to anticipate every little problem? Gotta go -- Mom needs the computer!"
"I concur," wrote noted coaster design expert and tenth grader RaptorRulesMySky. "Occasionally in the early days of a coaster every possible component of the ride will cease to work, often resulting in serious injury or death. You can't blame Intamin or Cedar Point -- for example, take the supposed 'incident' involving the station. How could they have known to build the station to withstand gale-force winds of four or even five miles per hour? The park is on Lake Erie! Who would expect wind?"
Inside sources tell ARN&R that TTD will be up and running again soon, and that Cedar Point expects to reduce the life-threatening incidents to no more often than once weekly by the end of the season.
Experts Debate Irritation Factor of Discovery Channel Personalities
Experts gathered this week to deliberate the important topic of which Discovery Channel personality provides the most flesh-rending annoyance to viewers across the nation. The three candidates most frequently mentioned were Paul Ruben, Mark Wyatt, and a new addition, That Tubby Guy From Thrill Rides: Put to the Test.
"The clear choice here is Paul Ruben," stated Ray Bergman, director of the Institute for the Debunkage of Alleged Coaster Experts. "His breathless comments about any ride a park pays him to go off on sure piss me off after about five seconds. I keep waiting to see the video footage of him pocketing a wad of dead presidents before announcing 'Six Flags Magic Mountain’s Flashback is a unique and stunning ride, top ten for me out of the more than 700 coasters I am lucky enough to have ridden, unlike you poor slobs who aren't as cool as me. It's great and spectacular!' And that creepy way he trails off and makes that weird face at the camera...hide your pets!"
Gabe Solomon, a member of the Society to Stop Lying Jackasses Like Mark Wyatt From Stealing Money From People, disagrees. "Ruben does kind of tire me out after the ninth or tenth show he whores himself on," he says. "But that Wyatt bastard is the worst. After he pillaged subscription money off loads of enthusiasts and then just stopped printing Inside Track, without refunding a penny to anyone, it really takes quite a bit of nerve for him to go claiming on Extreme Rides that he runs a magazine. Seeing that smarmy f*ck whooping it up with his special friend on that show every year makes my gorge rise. Wyatt is an affront to the human race."
The dark horse in the category appears to be "John," the host of the brand-new Thrill Rides: Put to the Test. Says Heather Tiras, the Vice Provost of the Council to be Disgusted by Wanker Reality Show Hosts, "We were made to be violently ill by the pathetic self-promotion and forced wackiness of that guy. That show actually had potential. For instance, the two college chicks scored very high in approval ratings, though many viewers told us a naked lesbian love scene would have been a good addition. And those two Ohio kids cussing up a storm on X were totally hilarious. But Discovery determined that, instead of showing us more hot Arizona babes and funny cursing, they'd focus 98% of the show on Jabba the Hutt's extra-cheerful dorkus offspring. We disapprove of this John fellow. He does not receive huzzah, nor kudos."
Heated debates on the tool-ness of the three candidates continue around the clock. ARN&R promises to report the results of this debate as soon as they are available.
[Editor's Note: In related news, Discovery Channel did fulfill the federal regulation mandating Elissa White's appearance in all television coaster specials by showing brief excerpts of her audition tape for TRPTT.]
Posted at 4:27 AM | Link |
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
We at ARN&R are pleased to announce that the entire P.R. staff of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom has joined the writing staff. As their collective first contribution, we provide you with the following press release, which we swear is exactly as it was distributed.
Greezed Lightnin' Opens to Rave Reviews at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom
Friday April 25, 7:00 am ET
LOUISVILLE, KY--(INTERNET WIRE)--Apr 25, 2003 -- Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom's eighth roller coaster, Greezed Lightnin', is now open to the public and electrifying ecstatic thrill seekers!
Greezed Lightnin' leaves riders breathless, blasting out of the coaster station like a bolt of lightning, rocketing from zero to 60 miles per hour in less than six seconds. There's no time to scream before zooming through the 76-foot-tall vertical loop, and soaring up the 142-foot incline. Just as passengers begin to relax and think the ride is over, the coaster plunges backward down the incline and back through the 360-degree loop again -- in 35 seconds flat. The coaster's exhilarating streak continues as the train coasts up the tail of the ride and glides safely back into the station.
Greezed Lightnin' is the first roller coaster of its kind in this region. The coaster's unique catapult mechanism propels riders from zero to 60 m.p.h. in seconds, similar to the catapult action utilized on aircraft carriers.
"The awesome power and speed of Greezed Lightnin' is captivating even the most seasoned thrill seekers, providing them with an exhilarating, and surprising experience," said Lee Graham, Vice-President and General Manager of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. "There's nothing else like it!"
Greezed Lightnin' is a steel "shuttle loop" coaster that stands at 142 feet tall, and spans 583 feet on the ground. The coaster has one 49-foot-long train, which consists of seven cars each holding four persons, for a total of 28 passengers per ride.
Members of American Coaster Enthusiasts (ACE) are cheering the opening of the newest coaster at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. "Being blasted out of the coaster station, then going forwards and backwards through the loop make Greezed Lightnin' a truly remarkable ride," says Scott Holmes, an ACE member. "With just a lap restraint holding the rider safely in place, there is nothing to interfere with the view or the wind rushing through your hair!"
Greezed Lightnin' is located on the front side of the park, near the Tin Lizzies antique cars and Road Runner Express roller coaster featuring classic Looney Tunes Characters Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner.
Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom is currently open on weekends, and will open for daily operations on Saturday, May 24th.
For more information on Greezed Lightnin' or on Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom, call (800) SCREAMS, or visit www.sixflags.com. For media information, contact the Public Relations Department at (502) 814-4511.
Six Flags, Inc. is the world's largest regional theme park company. Through its subsidiaries, it owns and operates a total of 39 parks in North America and Europe. Six Flags parks serve 35 of the 50 largest metropolitan areas in the United States. Six Flags, Inc. is a publicly held corporation with corporate offices in New York City and Oklahoma City. The Company's stock trades on the NYSE under the symbol: (NYSE:PKS - News).
SIX FLAGS and all related indicia are trademarks of Six Flags Theme Parks Inc. ®, ™ and © 2003.
LOONEY TUNES, characters, names and all related indicia are trademarks of and © Warner Bros.
Company: Six Flags, Inc.
Title: Public Relations Department
Ed. Note: If you know any of SFKK's Public Relations Department, please -- please -- provide them with kudos for this brilliant piece of satire. We'd love to hear from them and fully credit this hilarious parody. Lee Graham: a brilliant move saying that there's "nothing else like it" -- your ability to pull off lines like that without laughter is why we love you! And Scott Holmes -- you've got a future in improvisational comedy!
Monday, May 26, 2003
ARN&R willingly corrects factual errors, typographical mistakes, and incorrect and overzealous statements made on our website. Welcome to our new, semi-regular Corrections feature, where we fess up to our troublesome boo-boos with as much honesty and dignity as we can muster. If you think we have made an error in a story, please email us promptly at email@example.com. Or, better yet, call the American Coaster Enthusiasts at 609-889-6718 and let them deal with it. We’re pretty busy.
Due to a clerical error, a recent ARN&R article implied that all patrons of Six Flags New England are Chicano gang leaders and grotesque white trash of a level not seen even on the Jerry Springer show. ARN&R would certainly not knowingly disparage any race intentionally. Six Flags New England is indeed populated by loathsome and useless members of all races on this planet. We regret this error.
A feature in ARN&R stated that Coasterbuzz's Xfan enjoyed consuming the feces of his friends, preferably with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. This was an unfortunate typographical mistake. We actually meant to state that Xfan consumes his own feces, and he prefers it with a mango chutney and Turkish coffee. We offer our sincere apologies to Xfan for this error.
Due to an editorial error, ARN&R said that Quassy had all of the charm of being urinated on by Dick Van Patten in 108-degree heat. The article should have stated that Quassy was "a delightful park, fun for the whole family."
The statement that ThrillNetwork users average a third-grade reading level was inaccurate. Further research has indicated that the users' reading level is incapable of measurement.
Finally, our comments that the ACE members excitedly whoring themselves on behalf of the nearly worthless “new” Greezed Lightnin’ at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom were all “prize-winning jackasses” was an unfortunate exaggeration. To the best of our knowledge, none of these jackasses has actually won any prizes.
Sunday, May 25, 2003
We Were Funny All Weekend, Too.
While you were out grilling or remembering those who went before us or whatever, we were evidently sitting around thinking of wacky wacky coaster-related stuff. So scroll down and see not just "Winona Ryder Busted Again," but also "Coaster Zombies to Protest End-of-Ride Brakes on SFA's Roar," and "Universal Announces New 'Mommy' Ride." And if you're reading this and these articles don't appear on this page, just go to the archive.
Also, if you're going to SRM or any other event, if you send us a photo of yourself at such an event wearing ARN&R merchandise, or completely covered in gravy, we'll send you something free. That "something" may suck, but it'll be something. If you are wearing ARN&R merchandise and are completely covered in gravy, we'll send you two somethings for free.
Winona Ryder Busted Again
Last year, movie starlet Winona Ryder became the latest in a long and troubling wave of has-been celebrity criminal activities. Following an arrest for shoplifting, and a subsequent embarrassing court trial, many wondered whether the gamine would again turn to crime. Now they know, for the not-working-a-heck-of-a-lot actress was busted again yesterday, this time for attempting to shoplift the park’s signature Ghostrider coaster.
The incident occurred at Knott’s Berry Farm, where a surly Ryder was frisked leaving the park with what guards described as “a lot of added weight.” Said guard Jerry Painter, “I noticed a suspicious young lady with a huge bulge in her pants walking nervously toward the park exit. So I called out to her, ‘Hey honey, is that a top rated woodie in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?’ I was kind of joking, but wanted to see what her reaction was, and she immediately broke into this frantic sprint for the gate. After we tackled her and used the Taser a few times to calm her down, we did a full body-cavity search and located our best roller coaster hidden on her.”
Park officials declined comment, pending prosecution of the crime. Ryder’s lawyers released a statement claiming, "just to cut it off at the pass," that Ryder was researching a film role where she may play a young lady who hides gargantuan amusement attractions in her ass, and is therefore innocent. The lawyers also noted that Ryder is researching possible movie parts as a crack whore, child pornographer, and serial goat rapist, and that she will also be innocent of any crimes committed in those fields, since she is just realistically preparing for roles.
[Editor’s Note: For more on Ryder’s ongoing legal difficulties, please see her appearance in SFMM security files for rampant line jumping.]
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.