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Saturday, April 26, 2003
Fearing Spewed Beverages, Kentucky Kingdom P.R. Skips Media Day for Greezed Lightnin'
Though they valiantly made it through the press conference announcing the relocation of the 25-year-old Schwarzkopf shuttle loop without bursting into laughter, the Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom public relations staff decided to skip the standard media day for fear of spewing soda, milk, or coffee through their noses all over the visiting media.
"We knew we'd have to claim it was new -- after all, it's our 'newest megacoaster!'" explained Amy Ballard-Riley, already giggling in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "I just couldn't make it through a full day of pretending that it's innovative."
Vice-President and park General Manager Lee Graham concurred with the decision. "Sure, I would've loved to have gotten some press. But even the backwards yokels who pass as journalists here in Kentucky would be able to recognize that this was last innovative back when Three's Company was still on." Graham held back laughter as he contemplated trying to maintain a straight face in giving away a "first ride" on the coaster, instead singing to himself.
"Come on knock on our door..."
Friday, April 25, 2003
Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster Hastily Rethemed
At a hastily assembled media gathering this morning, DisneyWorld announced that it was severing its ties to the rock band Aerosmith, specifically removing any reference to the group from the Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster at Disney Studios. Apparently, the incident stems from a Disney executive party last night, where high-echelon Disney leaders first viewed a number of Aerosmith videos.
“Whoa, those are really something,” said Daniel McRaney. “We’d always assumed that no rock group other than Aerosmith could possibly uphold our good family values and protect our children better than Aerosmith. I had thought they sang kid’s songs or something. But then I just got a load of these videos. The lead singer is in drag in one of them! And then there’s this one where Alicia Silverstone gives “the finger.” And then there’s that one where Liv Tyler and Silverstone are wearing Catholic schoolgirl outfits, and then they do “something” in a photo booth, and they go skinny dipping with a sexy young lad, and also Tyler does a strip tease….oh, man, that was totally awesome! Er, I mean, we are appalled at such affronts to morality.”
Disney was reportedly already searching for a replacement band with the proper wholesome image and kick-ass rock abilities. None have been named yet, but McRaney pointedly insisted that Ratt was not among the contenders, despite their pathetic, whiny, begging letters to the Disney corporation.
Disney has announced that, as a stopgap measure, the Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster will now use an exciting onboard soundtrack featuring the music of obscure and thoroughly unloved mid-twentieth-century classical composers.
“I think everyone will be very excited to blast off into the darkness and through several loops to great music like Paul Creston’s Fourth Symphony, Milton Babbitt’s Composition for Viola and Piano, the Berio Sequenza for Solo Oboe, and even the thrilling Elliot Carter Triple Duo,” said McRaney.
Take Your Daughter to Work Day Celebrated by ACE Members
On Thursday, April 24th, the country celebrated the annual tradition of Take Your Daughter to Work Day. The representatives of the Take Your Daughter to Work Organization were pleased at the success of the program throughout the nation, but expressed disapproval at the continued lackluster support for the event shown by the American Coaster Enthusiasts.
"We really thought the ACE members could get in gear this year and throw some support to this valuable program," said TYDTWO representative Bertha Blacher. "Unfortunately, just as in every other year, the response verged on the nonexistent. Please, members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, don't let your daughters feel as if they are not worthy of seeing your workplace and experiencing job skills in action! I'll bet each and every one of these people knows when Wookie Life Day is, but they don't have a clue what day it is that their young female offspring open their eyes to the crushing boredom of various jobs their parents will attempt to force them into."
Rebuttal to Blacher's remarks was swift. "I don't know why on Earth these people are picking on us," said ACE President Carole Sanderson. "There are logical reasons why Take Your Daughter to Work Day doesn't function among the ACE populace. First of all, 70% of the organization is gay. Okay, so there are some of these folks who have kids, but, let's face the reality of the situation --- not exactly a ton of daughters available there."
Sanderson continued by saying, "Even among the 30% straight members, we've got some issues. A full 25% of them have never once engaged in actual sexual intercourse with another sentient life form due to their living in mom's basement past the age of forty, failing to bathe or use deodorant for several straight days, or being unable to communicate about anything besides steel track gauges and chain dogs. So that leaves us 5% of the entire ACE population who have engaged in sexual relations that potentially could lead to the formation of children. Sadly, most of these people, even should they have a daughter, don't actually have any job to take that daughter to. So we don't expect more than 5 or 10 ACE members being able to celebrate this day under optimum conditions."
ARN&R journalists made a sweeping search of the nation, and we are pleased to report that several ACE members did indeed take their daughters to work yesterday. Coincidentally (though not ironically, we can assure you), each of them has already been profiled in a previous ARN&R article.
1) Herb Wolardowsky, noted for chastising his daughter Emily for attempting to count a Zamperla Dragon as a coaster, made up for his indiscretion by bringing Emily to his workplace. "Emily really needed to see how I make my wage," said Wolardowsky. "And the best way for her to see what I do is to do it herself." He then returned to lecturing his six-year-old daughter on the proper technique for bleaching urine stains out of the men's room sinks at the local arena.
2) Joe Lekowski, who recently adopted a small Nigerian boy in order to add kiddie coasters to his credit list, took his new son "Stan" to "work" yesterday after he dressed him in a skirt and blouse and plopped a wig with blond pigtails on Stan's head. "Too bad I adopted a guy and not a girl," he said. "But this disguise should be all I need to celebrate the day right. I brought Stan to the Coaster Condo, which is the back half of my double-wide. He's never been allowed there, but today I showed him how Daddy puts bread on the table by selling fine color photos stolen from other people's websites."
3) Pete Brody is known to longtime ARN&R readers as the guy who shamed himself by bringing up coasters incessantly during his family's last get-together. Now 29, he just started his very first job last week at the Appalachee Parkway Taco Bell in Tallahassee, Florida. Standing under an informative sign by the employee sink that read, "All Employes Must Wash Hands Frecuently (Often)," Brody proudly told ARN&R that "I'm already second assistant squirt cheese enabler after just one week. Another month and I should be first assistant squirt cheese enabler. And once you perfect the squirt cheese technique, the lucky guys can move on to the really good jobs, like hosing down the burritos with that cool guacamole caulking gun." When pressed for information about the alleged daughter he had brought to work that day, a befuddled Brody confessed that he thought someone had said it was "Bring Your Dog Turd to Work Day." Upon learning this unfortunate news, ARN&R declined Brody's repeated requests to show off "his Precious."
This reporter wishes to point out that he brought Jessica Alba to work, as is usual; she is someone's daughter, after all.
Thursday, April 24, 2003
Paramount to Relaunch Bonfante Gardens as Rugrats Gardenzville
Many enthusiasts were pleased to hear that Paramount would be managing Bonfante Gardens, the garden-themed nonprofit amusement park in northern California. And now Paramount has announced its plans: Bonfante Gardens will henceforth be known as Rugrats Gardenzville and undergo a complete retheming.
Upon entering the park, guests will no longer be greeted by decades-old "circus trees," carefully tended to maintain their beauty. Instead, according to park spokesman Bruce Falbo, "Those ugly things got torn out and thrown out back. Who wants crazy-ass trees at an amusement park, anyway? Now we've got all the Rugrats and Blue and sometimes even guest stars from Nickelodeon in the entrance plaza, right next to the Drop Zone tower ride and the all-new launched coaster Flight of Fear."
The unique plant- and vegetable-themed rides will be rethemed as well. Gone is the Artichoke Dip flat ride -- it's now the Hurler. And the Garlic Twirl is now Blue's Big Adventure Spinning Ride. "Yep," said Falbo, "It'll be just like Paramount's Great America up the street. It'll be great!"
When reached for comment, Michael Bonfante, who has cared for the trees and other plants in the park for years and dedicated his life to founding the park, wept quietly.
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
Breaking News: Six Flags to Open Six Flags Over Shiite-Controlled Iraq
Details are sketchy as yet, but ARN&R has received word from three independent and well-informed sources that Six Flags Inc. will open Six Flags Over Shiite-Controlled Iraq within three weeks.
The park, to be located near Najaf, will celebrate the long history of the Shiite fundamentalists' anti-American radicalism, including several new coasters. The signature coaster will be a new Intamin hypercoaster called "Superman: Ride of Destroying the American Infidels," with a GCI-designed wooden coaster called simply "Kill All Americans." Flat rides include a Top Scan called "God Will Roast Their Stomachs in Hell at the Hands of Iraqis," and Sally is expected to provide a heavily themed interactive dark ride called "Amerian Infidel Hunters."
Six Flags spokeswoman Rachel Solt declared, "Six Flags has always been about celebrating diversity -- heck, our flagship park is themed after all the different cultures that had controlled Texas! This is just another way of showing the world how much we love every person, even if they wish to kill us and destroy our government!"
Tuesday, April 22, 2003
Universal's Plans For Coaster Criticized By Neighborhood; Enthusiasts Furious
Universal Studios announced last week plans for an enormous hyper coaster to run on each of its Islands of Adventure, breaking numerous world records as it goes, but there was just one quirk: the bottom of its initial 345-foot drop would run straight through a day care center for underprivileged orphans that sits just outside Universal's property, and the track would have no fencing around it at all, permitting the orphans to crawl over the track as they please while the coaster was operating. Universal also announced that it would use the day care center as the sorting facility for its massive garbage recycling program.
Orlando neighborhood activists were incensed and immediately vowed to block the coaster's construction, calling the company's actions "insensitive" and "appalling." Once word spread among enthusiasts, however, the activists were termed "snotty NIMBYers" (referring to "Not In My Backyard") "who should've known what to expect when they moved to Orlando, including incredibly dangerous amusement rides causing great bodily harm to toddler orphans."
"It's just like when Disney got screwed out of building a theme park near the colonial battlegrounds!" complained HistorySuxCoasterzRule, an active participant at CoasterBuzz. "It was going to be totally respectful of history -- heck, they were even going to have authentic colonial roasted turkey legs! But noooo, the so-called historians blocked that, and now the so-called 'orphans' are using their powerful lobbying force to block what would be terrific for Orlando."
Universal, at press time, was standing firm on its plans, and was in fact considering expanding them. "We've been thinking that the church next door that provides food to hundreds of homeless people daily would be a terrific place for a gift shop and maybe a climbing wall!" said spokesman Charles Anderson. "And maybe we'll add a Dippin' Dots booth in that day care center, too."
Monday, April 21, 2003
Stern Disciplinarian ACE Parent Corrects Child’s Coaster Count
A short but intense argument erupted this afternoon at the Camp Snoopy amusement park in the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota, when horrified American Coaster Enthusiast and Coaster Zombie member Herb Woladarsky, 33, caught his six-year-old daughter Emily attempting to count the “Li’l Shaver” attraction on her coaster credit list.
The incident in question occurred at approximately 6:35 PM this Sunday. Apparently, the day started like any other day a family of four would expect at an American amusement venue: fun, camaraderie, vomiting bad chili dogs. But then, without warning, tragedy struck. After a laughing and clapping Emily completed a circuit on the Li’l Shaver, a powered Zamperla attraction strongly resembling a regular kiddie coaster, the child called out, “Daddy! This roller coaster was so much fun! Can I ride it again? Please?”
“It was a disgrace to me as an ACE member and as a human being,” a distraught Woladarsky told reporters. “Everyone knows Li’l Shaver is a powered ride, not a true coaster. See how the track features a third rail that electrically moves the cars along the track? That’s not gravity running this thing! It’s so blatantly obvious, even a retarded chimp could tell the difference, but I guess my daughter can’t. I guess I blame myself for not using corporal punishment when she was younger, but I won’t make that mistake again.” Woladarsky then broke down into tears, obviously deeply upset by the tragic events of the day.
Hoping little Emily would yet learn from her terrible mistake, Woladarsky drove her home in silence, then sent her to her room to write 50,000 times, “Zamperla Dragon rides are NOT coasters.” ARN&R representatives noted, however, that Emily appeared to actually be scribbling “stoopid Daddy likes Hercules best” over and over.
[Editor's Note: Make sure your child knows not to count a powered ride on his or her coaster list. Get a silly bib for the tykes or, for your surly louse of a teenager, a t-shirt featuring a picture of a guy pissing all over the new Top Thrill Dragster at our Online Shoppe!]
Sunday, April 20, 2003
ACE Solves Lateness of Magazines by Removing Dates From Issues
Long suffering from online, mailed, and phoned complaints from members irate over paying gobs of money in membership fees, and then not receiving their Roller Coaster Magazine issues, the American Coaster Enthusiasts decided this week to enact a novel solution to the problem. Beginning with the next issue, Roller Coaster Magazine will not have any actual date listed on the cover. ARN&R is pleased to break the news that this ACE policy is already being tested on the organization's website, where the currently mailed issue is cryptically referred to as "Issue 83," as opposed to being referred to by its date (Fall 2002), which was the website's procedure for the past several years, or as "the latest really f&$%ing late issue of RC," which would be the most technically correct way of presenting the information.
"All the hate mail is really starting to piss us off," said editor Tom Rhodes. "ACE does its best with its totally volunteer staff to get our high-quality magazine on the stands and in mailboxes very close to the actual dates printed on the cover. Despite horrible problems beyond our control, such as the entire original run of the Fall magazine being eaten by my cat, we maintain a very, very high standard. For instance, our Fall 2002 issue reached most ACE members within the past couple weeks. The Winter and Spring issues would certainly have been no more than five or six months late, either, but some ACE members are just whiny, greedy, p%ies who can't sit on their fat little hands and be patient."
"The ACE Executive Committee finally arrived at the perfect solution to all problems for its members and the staff of our magazine," Rhodes added. "While we have always labeled each of the four yearly issues as Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter, leading to lots of insults when, say, the Spring issue arrives in, say, the next December, we recently had the brainstorm that we could send out each issue without any date at all. That way, most ACE members won't be able to keep track of how many magazines they've received, and we won't get all this hate mail. Actually, we could probably keep charging the same membership fee and just send fewer issues. Then if anyone complains, we'll just say they're ungrateful pricks who have misunderstood what being in ACE is all about. It's not like we're Inside Track, after all."
Some fans are upset about this news. Said Daunte Rivas, 20, "I don't understand any of this. Eliminating the date doesn't magically make it come on time. That sure helps the RC staff jerk us around, but how precisely does that help enthusiasts who paid membership money that, in part, is alleged to include four regularly mailed glossy mags? And what the f&%$ is he talking about with this sad-sack all-volunteer crap? ACE editors are paid, now, aren't they? Give me my &%$#ing magazines!"
"The editorial staff and Executive Committee are very pleased by our quick measures to solve this longstanding problem," stated ACE President Carole Sanderson. "We know all ACE members will enjoy this new policy, and we ask them to see its trial run on our website right now while they wait for the Winter issue to appear in the general vicinity of the next millennium. Also, please remember that disparaging ACE in any conceivable way is a violation of the ACE Code of Conduct, so anyone overheard bitching about how late our magazines are will be killed and then tortured, while anyone writing about such, especially those creeps at ARN&R, will be taken to....Detroit!"
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